Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Clovis50 – He always had that woman on the side. They operate this way. They always have a back up individual because they know something or someone is going to give so to be on the safe side, they have someone on the back burner. Someone they don’t have to give much attention to, someone who has low self esteem and won’t require much from them. That is who they keep in the back burner. When one woman becomes too much, they let her go and take the back burner girl until the next “challenge” comes around and so on and so forth 😉
Dear Kay and FlatBrokeNow,
Yes, I think they have the “Psychopath’s play book” and they can just look up a “play” like a coach teaches his team. There really is very little variety in the way they manipulate and deceive. The way to tell when they are lying is when their lips are moving!
It is good and does help to know that we are NOT alone and that it is NOT just stooooopid people who get scammed, there are some REALLY BRIGHT and educated folks here who have been scammed. THAT HELPS a lot for me anyway. I felt so STOOOOOPID at being by multiple Ps in different kinds of relationships, not just lovers.
We can only change ourselves so we do not become repeat victims. It doesn’t ‘matter WHAT the relationship is with them, friend, family member, boss, business partner, lover, spouse, child, etc. the PLAYS ARE THE SAME except for the sex either being a part of it or not, theh lies and manipulation are the same, the devaluing, the abuse the soul rape, the gaslighting, the devaluation and the pain.
Learning about them helps, and at first healing is learning about what they ARE, but the end becomes about us, and how we recognize and react to other people’s treatment of us. Learning to set boundaries and protect ourselves. It is a bumpy road, with lots of pits and bits of broken glass, but it gets easier as we get further along and start to be able to validate our own views and not depend on someone else for our happiness! Hang in there, you are stronger than you know right now! God bless.
I like the comment made by Oxy “The way to tell when they are lying is when their lips are moving!” I have finally gotten this through my thick skull… Every time he opens his mouth now, I immediately silently tell myself that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and he is “the people of the lie”. This is a book that I read about 6 months ago after we had moved again for the 9th time in 4 years.
Just everything is so clear now, the farting when I ask him a question, the strutting peacock posture always, burping when he knows something that is on tv is speaking some truth to me, constantly doing this sort of behavior.
He told me last week that he got a 1% raise on his commission. I swear he told this lie to keep me off balance and distracted. Just remember, to be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.
Oh and to anyone here, anyone who is seriously struggling with what God might think if you decide to get out, go to http://www.divorcehope.com and be prepared to have the lies blown out of the water on how God feels about divorcing “evil”. Awesome website and book that you can download in a pdf file for free.
I am currently searching for another place to move my mother and myself to. He can have everything.
The title of this blog it was always about what he could get out it is without a doubt what the “evil” in my life is about.
Bible Annie, a good pastor to listen to teach the Bible is at sheperdschapel.com
He tells it like it is … book by book, scripture by scripture.
Peace.
Hi everyone,
I need your help. I haven’t been logged in for a while, but I read the articles and posts regularly. My spath was just in touch again over the 4th. I didn’t pick up the phone, and he left a message that he was calling everyone he had hurt either through his actions or inactions and to say he was sorry for how it affected my life. He said that he was deeply sorry and that he hoped I was having an excellent holiday and had a great weekend. I did not contact him back, but it triggered me again. When we broke up last June 2009, it was the second time, and despite protestations of innocence, he ended up manipulating me even worse than the first. Without going into details, this man is capable of the most callous, heartless things you can imagine, and definitely enjoyed driving me to the brink of insanity. When we broke up in June 2009, he went through the whole thing about going for therapy (which he said the first time and lied) and said that the “very last thing he would be doing is dating.” He kept in contact and tried every angle for me to “hang out” with him “as friends” and was very, very angry that I would not see him. Finally, I found out that he became involved with someone else INSTANTLY after or before we broke up. He brought her home for Thanksgiving 2009 and is now living with her. I tried to warn her (very respectfully) and she responded by blocking me from facebook. Although I know I cannot possibly be wrong about his pathology, I am devastated thinging that he really is changing for this new person. I cannot get it out of my flippin’ head. With his “making amends” it sounds like he is going through a 12 step thing. I keep remembering what a pathological liar and womanizer this guy is (at age 40). He is SUCH a smooth manipulator, that when we broke up the first time, I hadn’t know the extent of his lying. He sounded like any sincere guy that was having intimacy issues, but was trying. It was only when he called me back that I found out how distorted this guy was. And he has been able to fool MANY people. In fact, I would probably have stayed friends with him if I hadn’t found the proof on his computer. Without going into long details, this guy has proven over and over that he is a MASTER manipulator. I’ve spoken to other women as well as a good male friend who cut off contact with him, so I know there is a history, yet he seems to have totally changed his life by getting a job and moving in with this new woman, and it happened IMMEDIATELY after me. My head is spinning and I hurt. 🙁
kay777- I agree with you about reading movie scripts… either that or they all share the same brain. I can’t help feeling the way I do about causing damage before I leave. I feel that he’s taken so much from me… everything from me.
Everyone says their monster can have everything, but haven’t they taken enough? I don’t want to leave anything for him. Not a single spoon, knife or fork. They don’t deserve ANYTHING, especially things I worked so hard for.
He didn’t put any effort into anything other than destroying ME. They seem to always get away scott free. They end up doing just fine and moving quickly onto their next “thing” while we’re all trying desperately to put the shattered pieces of our lives back together.
hopeful6596, keep the NO CONTACT with him ever in effect. Everything he (or any of them) says is a lie, from HELLO to GOODBYE. He only contacted you to check to see if you will fall for his newest ploy. DON’T CONTACT HIM. Erase the phone message, and thank God that you escaped his clutches.
We’ve all have been where you are. Stay away from him and anyone that has a connection to him. While you are at it, pray for his current victim because she has no clue that he’s the LIE.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this heel.
BAILEY G – They never get away with anything. Everything catches up with them when their next relationship fails because the next person WILL uncover the same things we did. They live in a constant hell, panic, secretive world. Yes while we are trying to put the pieces back together, once we do, we go on with our NORMAL lives. Something they know nothing about. They look at themselves as a third person, detached. They are always on the losing end. Remember that!