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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Whole relationships documented in phones is not proof of authenticity

Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”

I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.

I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.

Reeling me in

He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.

How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.

After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.

Fell harder than before

I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”

Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!

After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.

More narcissists

In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.

He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!

All in the phones

Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?

I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.

It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.

I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦

Transcendence


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Truthspeak

Transcendence, I am so sorry that you had so many wild rides with bad men, and I very much appreciate your openly sharing your experiences.

The types of predators that you describe could have been the exspath, with the exception of children being involved.

From this site, and through intensive counseling therapy, I have learned so much about these predators AND about myself. One thing that I learned was that I will never, ever, EVER rely upon any technological device or service to “find someone.” I met the second exspath “online” and believed him to be an honest and truthful friend for a long while before I fell for his prose, innuendo, and flattery. What a crock of b.s.! HOW could anyone really “know” me by just what is typed? I was an absolute fool to trust anyone without the benefit of face-to-face interactions.

Even with those interactions, “bad people” had their “in-roads” through my lack of boundaries.

I’m so glad that you’re recovering, Transcendence, and I believe that you have learned and EARNED your wisdom, even if those lessons were horrible ones. Thank you, again, for sharing your experiences. It not only helps you to purge them, but it helps me (and, others) to recognize that predators aren’t just limited to myself and that, with each new story on LoveFraud, it drives the point home for me that I need to work on ME before I ever even entertain the notion of another partner.

Brightest supportive blessings

Delores

I had a whole stack of “love letters” from my ex husband the psychopath when he was in Viet Nam. I tried to keep them like war brides are supposed to but they were so sickeningly phoney I threw them all away because of the pain of looking at them. I wish I had kept them to re-read after I figured out what he was. I bet they would be funny to read now or at least very telling of his disorder.

You could publish these messages to show how utterly unfathomable they are when they do not have you hypnotized. I am sure we would all get it and maybe others who are immune to their sickness.

Truthspeak

Betsybugs….yeah…..prose can be SO eloquent and words can be bantied about to produce the most incredible responses and reactions, can’t they?

UGH…..

Louise

I think the key here obviously is you barely ever saw this man in person. I get that. The relationship I had with the spath was basically the same way and the reason being is he was married (separated) AND preying on other woman…I was hardly the only one…haha, that’s a joke!! So there is a lesson to be learned…when someone pretty much only communicates through text…you can almost guarantee there is a wife or other women. That is WHY they are not seeing us in person…they have other obligations. We were only playthings to them…something to appease them in the moment…it’s a whim and all a game to them. I know. I was a victim of that crap and it’s nasty and damaging.

DawnG

This is a good look at what should be a significant relationship red flag in the modern age: being “managed” via text messages.

FTLOG, some of these people can’t be bothered to actually make a real phone call. Their targets are finding that perfectly acceptable, until they realize it’s just not normal to never actually hear the voice, or see the body, associated with the messages.

Louise

Right…let me say, there were a lot of misunderstandings between spath and I due to everything being via text…I basically had to be a mind reader. Things were vague and not being able to hear the voice or see body language can be very misleading. That’s what he wanted though…he wanted to be vague and drive me crazy. His plan worked.

Louise

Oh and yes, if a man can’t call me, something is wrong! RED FLAG!

DawnG

Good on ya, Louise. (thumbsup)

I had a guy, not long after the breakup with the spath, who not only tried to lovebomb but also manipulate, abuse, and then devalue because I wasn’t biting the apple hard enough — all within something like 10 days, and all of it by text message. I couldn’t even take it seriously it was just that ridiculous.

It was confusing in a “wtf is wrong with this guy?” sort of way. It just came across as half-cocked, no real effort put into it.

Louise

Thanks. Yeah, it’s good that once we are taken like that, we recognize the signs right away the second time around. No thanks…I don’t want any part of it as soon as I see the same things I saw before. Nope, no way!

Unreal and after only 10 days? I don’t know who these guys think they are…really. It’s sickening. I won’t give them the time of day.

Ox Drover

Unfortunately a “cyber relationship” is built more in our heads than any were else…we built up these fantasy relationships….my “fantasy relationship” was with my son who is in prison and it was via mail and a few visits (as he is far away so I wasn’t able to visit often) but this fantasy phone relationship is the same I think, just a fantasy in our heads, and I realize just how difficult it is to admit that the whole relationship is a construct of our desires for it to be SO….how painful it is to admit we might as well have been Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin to come to the pumpkin patch. Or Charlie Brown waiting for Lucy to NOT pull the foot ball away.

It ain’t easy to give it up, but it is the only healthy way to live.

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