A new study by Economist David Neumark at the University of California – Irvine found that married, two-person households are not always best for children. The study found that the increased incarceration of minority men contributed to fewer minority high school dropouts.
Read Kids are all right with just mom, on the University of California – Irvine website.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Oxy said it ALL. When the courts forget “parental rights” and start focusing on “children’s rights” we just maybe able to break the cycle. I would like to borrow your label Oxy, because it fits so well. Most of these abusive and neglectful parents are nothing more than egg donors and sperm donors and do not deserve any “rights” whatsoever. Most state laws are written to protect “best interest of the child”. The courts however, have a warped, uneducated sense of what this means. This is a very interesting study and I also agree it should be done on “parents” and not just “fathers”.
My heart goes out to all who have posted here with their own personal stories of abusive parents. You did nothing to deserve the treatment you received. I am so sorry.
Love – MiLo
Dear MiLo,
How are things with you and your grandson? I hope that your daughter, the child’s DNA donor has backed off some and that you feel more safe. I just got a 3 year “stay of execution” in that my P son’s parole application was denied for another 3 years before he can go back and request parole again….so I am still not “free” just delayed execution at this point, but that is better than nothing and I am very grateful to God that he didn’t get out.
My attorney said that he thought if we had not protested that he would have gotten out this time, but all three of the parole board members who reviewed his case voted against him getting out at this time, but did set 3 years for his next review instead of the most they could have which would have been 5 years, so there was SOME sympathy for the poor boy at least.
I am just grateful for the reprieve I have been given though, and God heard my prayers and I can only trust that whatever happens is what is best. There was a time when I wanted him out, but I didn’t pray to God that He would give him parole, just that “whatever YOU think is best, God, as you know his heart” and he didn’t get parole, so I had to trust that was the best thing even though it wasn’t what I wanted at the time….now it is the same thing, I just have to trust God that God is running the universe the way it should be run and that there is a purpose. The Bible tells me that “all things work together for good to those that Love the Lord” and I must believe that! So many times “bad” things have happened and I felt that it was the end of the world, but later it turned out that if that “bad” thing hadn’t happened, a better thing wouldn’t have happened later. So I just have to trust that this is the right thing.
Oxy –
Thanks for asking. The legal part is all but over, just a matter of straightening out some technical mistakes made by the court. No shock there, it was a technical mistake made by the court 5 years ago that vacated our custody and got us into this mess. We once again have legal custody and nothing can or will change that. Daughter does have visitation, with a stipulation right in visitation order – child must approve of all phone calls and visits. We have given Grand the control he so desperately needed in this part of his life. She is trying to wear “the mask of change” – she has not changed and now I know she never will. With therapy we are helping Grand deal with it. I think we are going to be OK – in a therapy session with Mom, he told her “I have parents who love and take care of me. I will always live with them. You can be the Mommy that visits.” Amen prayers answered.
I so understand praying “whatever YOU think is best”, because it was beyond me at some points exactly what was best. I had faith that only God knew.
I am so glad that the parole board did not let your son free. You can deal with it again in another 3 years. Until then you can be confident that you kept a lot of others from getting hurt, including him. I wish it would have been 5 years because like you said that does show the parole board did have some sense of sympathy and that is unbelievable.
I guess we must keep doing whatever it is we are doing and leave all else up to God. I know when subjects like this one show up on the board, I must get my soap box out and preach “best interest of the child” for all those children that don’t have voices.
All the comments are interesting, esp with what I am having to fight against. I am soon starting mediation, which I know is useless and have been told such by some mediators who refuse to do it for us, but this one mediating center was approached by ex and they say they will do it even if the others won’t because they believe that the child needs and loves both parents.
The mediator said to me on the phone that even if he had been a jerk or abusive to a kid in the past, that shouldn’t paint a bleak future because she believes people change, particularly after separation. I was flabbergasted, since it flies against what research has shown. I am only agreeing to doing this to stall court action – can’t afford go to court because he has effectively screwed us financially with his refusal to pay the proper amount of child support.
I don’t know how much to give in and concede with visitation rights. He is using the kids to continue his harassment. If I didn’t have to see him for the handovers or have to discuss kids issues, it would be so much easier. That is why I am only giving him every other weekend for the younger kids. The older ones don’t even want to see him, and he is really mad about it and keeps harassing them.
Now one has started school, just after a couple of days, he is asking me to report to him how he is doing. And he is asking to come into the house to fix some things for the kids enjoyment. He wants me to answer him and not ignore him (which I do when I don’t want to reply). He even offered for me to be out of the house, but I don’t trust him alone in the house, and the people he has suggested as third-party observers and all his allies, so I don’t trust them either. I could name friends of mine but they wouldn’t want to be near him and I also don’t want him to know who my friends are because he harassed whoever he finds out has been talking to me.
Just yesterday, a friend, whose husband is very close to ex, called to say that I should not deprive my kids of their father. Worse, she said that no matter how bad he was before, I should not give up on our relationship because God hates divorce. I tried to tell her that was a misinterpetration but decided that it was useless trying to argue the point. I don’t know how to explain to these people that marriage is not meant to be a life-long oppression of another human soul. In any case, they don’t believe he is evil or abusive in nature, and that he now knows he has to change and has improved. However, change has nothing to do with “improving”. It is the correction of the deeply embedded thinking that one is entitled to favored treatment. If he plays the victim, then no matter how nice he is, he hasn’t changed and sooner or later, the full-blown version of abuse will return.
I love my children, and it is the thought of their future that keeps me going. But the fact that we have children make it so hard for me to get away. It is also hard for others to keep their noses out because they think they are advocating for my kids when they talk to me about how my kids need their father. (Ex keeps telling others that my children miss him but I won’t let them see him.) Meanwhile, my poor kids wonder why adults don’t want to protect them but are intent on protecting their father and give him help and sympathy?
Now he has moved in right near by just so he can keep an eye on us. My kids are freaking out. I can’t get an intervention order because all the physical assaults happened before we separated and apart from the one assault charge has no criminal record. He is a card-carrying Keeper of Morals, like Stephen Green in the other thread. I don’t think he is a s’path, just terribly immature, controlling and manipulative. He actually thinks that is the right way to love his family – through power and control. And he claims to want to have counsel to change but either goes to people who are unaware of domestic violence and get manipulated by him, or to those who know him well and won’t go anywhere near him.
My youngest is under school age, so there is a long way to go, but sometimes I don’t know how to hang on for that long.
While there seems to be a correlation, I’m uncomfortable with the information presented in believing that incarceration of father is a causal factor in children having lower drop out rates. Also, while we often use school performance as a chief indicator of a child’s success; that is only part of the story. Another possibility is that the children of these fathers have learned to work the system better and don’t drop out of HS but still have a higher propensity toward sociopathy themselves. So now maybe we have a generation of more educated sociopaths who know how to stay out of jail. While economics is great at finding trends and presenting questions; answers are found with expansive, long-term studies. Find 1000+ of these specific children and give them a test to measure sociopathic behaviors. Also, take a look at prevelance of minor crimes, drug use/abuse and self-destructive behaviors such as eating disorders and cutting. Ruling out attachment disorders wouldn’t be a bad idea either. My point is the article is a seed of information and shouldn’t be taken as an answer to anything.
Slthomp, I agree that the article is simply one piece of a much larger puzzle in sociology.
It IS interesting to me though that the crime rate has dropped in the past few years as more and more people are incarcerated. And, it is known that about 25% of the inmate population is psychopathic so as more people are locked up, more psychopaths are taken off the street—and since psychopaths commit such a high percentage of crimes, it stands to reason that crime should fall.
Also, the AVERAGE score of inmates on the PCL-R is 22 which means of course with a score of 30 being “psychopathic” that there is a higher percentages of “nearly psychopathic” bad guys in prison too. If they are locked up they aren’t siring children and they aren’t committing crimes. Also stands to reason their kids would be better off with them out of the picture as well.
Finally! This is a long awaited article for me and I hope to read it in People magazine. More people need to hear this, more colleges need to teach this new way of thinking. Times have changed, family needs a new definition; it should include only those that respect, love, and have our best interest. And should exclude all abusive persons, no matter their position in the family tree. We can’t choose our family but mothers, parents or anyone that cares should not allow the abuse of the innocent children that did not ask to be here.
The fact that we only speak of “locking up bad fathers” is disturbing. What about bad mothers? Are we that biased? Are we all men haters on here? Do we not recognize the fact that abusive mothers exist? I continue to be astonished at the stereotype that prevails in this blog and in society at large. Believe it or not, there are just as many abusive mothers as fathers. The difference is that abusive mothers are mostly passive aggressive, psychological, emotional, verbal abusers. This is because they don’t very often have the opportunity to be physically dominant. I have met more fathers and their children who are victims of Sociopathic, Narcissistic, angry, hateful, mothers. These women have a disordered/dysfunctional personality that allows them to create their own reality. They believe they are more significant, they are entitled, they are more important and relevant, and they lie inveterately, if not pathologically, to destroy the credibility of the father, and “win” control of their children. This “win” has the prize of financial gain and the right to continue to denigrate the children’s father with the blessing of the court. This is the single greatest civil rights issue of our time. I get a sick feeling when I realize there are many mothers on this blog that scare me with their disdain and dehumanizing fathers as a group. I believe many of you are victims of Sociopathic men, but I also believe some of you are playing the Sociopaths favorite game, which is to point the finger at Dad, and lie till you die about your own accountability in destroying him. Everyone needs to be careful about denigrating fathers as a whole. It is one of the primary frivers of false accusations of domestic violence, and the growth of the industries that directly benefit from destroying fathers. The Lawyers (Judges are all Lawyers), the Social Workers (70-80% female), Psychologists, and Guardian Ad Litems (70-80% female) are all provided virtual immunity from prosecution. Mother’s are as well. It is common practice for all of these so-called professionals to create their own truth, Lie under oath, and destroy the father because it benefits their business to do so. Men and Fathers have been abused, raped, and falsely accused, demeaned, disparaged, and falsely implicated by simple little white lies…….”I am afraid of him” is all it takes to win custody in most counties, and the dysfunctional, angry, abusive mothers have dominated in family courts for 30 years because they play the game of the “femme Fatale” and the courts enable and support it, because in most cases, it is a financial win for all involved, except the dad who gets incarcerated for the duration of his children’s childhood, into a role of indentured servitude, without any significant role in their lives. There are millions of fathers whose lives have been destroyed. IT is so sad, and it will be interesting to watch as more mothers are preyed upon by sociopathic fathers, or just plain passive aggressive, dysfunctional, disordered fathers who will take advantage of this opportunity, as women continue to be more significant wage earners. The courts enable and support the most proficient liars who are able to put on a calm public face. The disordered men are catching on to the “loophole” and perhaps once enough of them begin to win in court, we will actually see some pushback from the extreme feminists who have helped to create the destruction of fathers. Mark my words, this is starting to happen now. What we are failing to do is demand truth, actual evidence, and reality to prevail in family court. The failure is driven by the greed of the Attorneys (Judges). There are SIMPLE fixes, but the Trial Lawyers fight all efforts at reform. One simple mandate in any custody battle would solve most of the problems. A second effort by truly objective, well meaning advocates, who claim to protect abused women from abusive men would ferret out most of the pretenders, and bring true justice into the family courts.
FIRST: Every interaction between children and ANY court appointed/designated/employee MUST be RECORDED! Simple, low cost, verifiable evidence that will reduce the destructive force of these people who are responsible for more child and father abuse, by a long shot, than any other demographic. Holding them accountable will change the court dramatically and reduce the corruption and abuse by the hundreds of thousands every year in this country. Remember when the police had no camera’s in their cars? Or interrogations were never recorded? How many victims claimed police brutality? It is simple, and it would save more lives every year, from the destructive agenda of the courts than all the casualties we have had in every single war this country has fought in the last 50 years!
SECOND: The Domestic abuse shelters and advocates should, as the first method of support, if a so-called abused women claims physical abuse, but there is no visible, or verifiable evidence, and they are wanting to make their case (and they do not feel their life is in danger), be provided with a simple hidden camera or two. If you truly have an abusive spouse, it would be easy to show it on film, and have hard evidence to implicate the abuser. Currently, the constitutional rights, and the legal rights of falsely accused fathers are ignored. Orders for protection are issued and they require no evidence, the father has no right of appeal, and the Judges love to sign them because it starts the money making machine for their peers. The lawyers are getting rich off the pain and misery of fathers (now sometimes mothers), by the lies and dysfunctional personalities that are the greatest endangerment to our children, and our society, and the “family”. IT is absurd that we have not done what needs to be done to properly stop the madness. It is simple, inexpensive and it should be mandated across the country. GALs, Lawyers, Judges, and Social Workers are the biggest abusers of children and fathers, and they are getting away with by the hundreds of thousands every year. It is the “Silent” Plague that history will prove, never should have been allowed to happen, and it isthe single most destructive “fraud” this country has ever allowed to prevail, since slavery, and the racism and homophobia of the more recent past. IT is time to stop implying that fathers are lesser human beings than mothers. The prejudice and bias in this will go down in history as one the worst abuses of modern civilization. There are MILLIONS of children who have been scarred and damaged for life by abusive mothers, and the loss of a fabulous father who was FRAMED by the mother and the court. This must stop. NOW. and I don’t mean the National Organization for Women. They are responsible for driving this bias and abuse, and the Lawyers love it because it is making them rich! Wake up. For all the healthy mothers out there who fully support, encourage, and truly believe that Dad is equal in importance to mom in the lives of the children, THANK You! To those who continue to falsely believe they are better and more important than Dad, you are an abuser. Equal rights goes both ways. IT is time Dads actually were provided with what the law states, EQUAL RIGHTS! The Judges IGNORE the Law. They are some of the worst abusers and enablers of abusive mothers. Judicial reform needs to happen as well. Judges are people, not Gods. We need to hold them responsible and accountable and liable for abuse. Lawyers need to be regulated independently and judges ALL need to be elected. They must also be prosecuted for breaking the law. Those who lie in court under oath must be prosecuted for Perjury, and those who make false accusations must be prosecuted as well. As long as we allow the current corrupt system to avoid the truth, child and father abuse will remain the most destructive element in our society. WAKE UP AMERICA! Those of us who are healthy, and good parents need to stand up. The courts have been able to keep the abused fathers quiet for so long because we are financially raped, emotionally abused, and psychologically labeled as angry. OF course we are angry. That shows we are healthy. Call it what it is properly, “Righteous Indignation”. When the “Liar’s Court” is given the power to take our children away from us based on stories told by a selfish, controlling, abusive spouse or partner, we should be angry. But then they rape us financially, tear our souls from our chest, and figuratively beat us till we have no strength or energy left, and we are left with an empty heart, wondering what we ever did to now have children who are strangers to us now. IT is insane, and there is plenty of blame to go around. The primary drivers of this are the Lawyers (Judges) who are getting rich off the destruction of fathers and childrens. Shame on us all for allowing this to continue in epidemic numbers. Where is the Media coverage and efforts to expose it? The Judges and Lawyers and all the supporting pawns have twisted their integrity and sold the public on keeping the custody battles quiet and secret, “to protect the children”. There is no bigger lie in this country, no greater cause of more ruined, damaged, and scarred lives and relationships, than the FAMILY COURT SYSTEM, and all its affiliated industries. Many people involved in the supporting roles are criminals, and we are letting them get away with murder every day. IT is disgusting.
We are the society of second, third, and many chances, and it hurts our children. My ex psycho currently has supervised visitation with my son. He is in the process of divorcing his 4th wife, who went from foe to friend after he showed her just how “wonderful” he is.
She has shared with me that though she told the counselors, court appointed guardian ad litem and mediators about her concerns for her own young son given psycho’s track record with mine, she was all but ignored. In fact, one individual said “wow, that’s sad that he has supervised visitation with his other child.” (Sounds strikingly similar to Not-to-Late’s experience.) I see nothing sad about it. What would be truly sad is if he were allowed to destroy my son had the court not stepped in to protect him. She is now living in hell. And though she did everything in her power to destroy me in concert with the psycho while they were dating (and he was married to me), my heart still goes out to her, and mostly for her innocent child.
I think parental rights need to take a backseat to children’s rights, and until we become a society who places the needs and protection of children above all else, our children will pay the price and all in the name of having two parents in their lives.
Dear perniciousfamilycdourts,
BloggerT, one of the guy bloggers here has a site about female sexual predators (there is a link on the LF blog rolls) and you are right, there are just as many sexual female predators out there as male ones, so NO this site is not just anti-male, it is just that we (most of the bloggers here) are speaking from our own perspectives and most of us are women. That is why I encourage you to blog here because we DO like to have a diverse population on this blog and Donna encourages that as well.
I also agree that the lawyers/judges/family courts are anything except fair to children. I’m very against “parental rights” and FOR children’s rights, but unfortunately too many times the rights of the children to have a healthy parent are thwarted by the “system.”