The recent post on marital misconduct, and the many letters I have received from Lovefraud readers, have caused me to conclude that love fraud is a spectrum. Because love fraud is a spectrum, there is some confusion about it. To clear up the confusion, this week I will describe the range of motives for this fraudulent behavior. Remember that one of the most important biologic/social functions of love relationships is to produce and raise children. In my opinion, love fraud that involves children is the most serious. These children did not ask to be born and are at the mercy of the adults responsible for bringing them into the world. Next week we will discuss the implications of the spectrum of love fraud for children.
Love fraud perpetrated by predators
Perhaps the most serious form of love fraud occurs when a person who is certainly a psychopath or sociopath enters into a relationship with the sole intent of exploitation and predation. I believe I was a victim of this type of fraud. There are many other examples of men and women who have been victims of this most severe love fraud; their stories may be found on this web site’s True Lovefraud Stories.
Donna speaks primarily of this type of love fraud: Being the victim of a scam is embarrassing. Humiliating. Victims keep asking themselves, “How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see it coming?” The last thing they want to do is tell other people how they participated in being duped—even though it’s not their fault.
Unfortunately, the type of person who uses the love bond as a lure to attract his/her prey does not care if children are produced in the relationship. In fact, these predators often use the children to further their own purposes. Sociopaths typically have many children with several different partners. When I first realized I had been the victim of a sociopath, I spoke with Anne McGuire from Fraud Aid (this was 2003, before Donna Andersen put up this site). I asked her, “How many women do you know who have had children with con artists?” She said, “The con artist doesn’t care about whether he fathers children. In fact, the more the merrier”¦ then he can use them as pawns!” With that I discovered I was not alone.
Love fraud perpetrated by parasites
As tragic as the True Lovefraud Stories are, they do not represent a very large percentage of the total cases of what I would consider to be love fraud. The next level of severity of love fraud happens when sociopaths and narcissists seek relationships because they want to be in a relationship. These individuals get married or form partnerships for reasons other than pure predation. They may want to use the relationship as cover to appear normal to the world. They may also dislike being alone. It is very important to understand that although psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists do not enjoy affection, they are very social. They do not enjoy being alone. Thus, these people can be predators as above, or they can be parasites.
The difference between a predator and a parasite is that the parasite does not seek to destroy his/her host. The parasite just wants to suck energy from the host. The parasitic form of love fraud is very common. Prior to becoming a victim myself, I had not known of the predatory type of love fraud. But I saw many cases of parasitic love fraud in my practice.
Victims of parasitic love fraud are often more confused about their victimization and about the perpetrator than are victims of predatory love fraud. The motives of the perpetrator are less obvious in parasitic love fraud.
The parasitic love fraud perpetrator often sees children as competition for the energy of the host. These people often leave the relationship once children are conceived. They may also have abortions themselves, or pressure their partners into having an abortion.
The cheaters
The next most common form of love fraud is perpetrated by persons with narcissistic and antisocial personality traits but not the full disorder. These individuals are capable of a modicum of what might be considered “love.” They enjoy affection some, but have such poor impulse control and moral sense that they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. These are the chronic cheaters.
With the availability of divorce and alternatives to marriage, those that repeatedly cheat are also fraudulent lovers. The motivation to cheat rather than leave has to do with power and control in a relationship. The cheater wants to own his victims. The difference between a cheater and a parasite is that the cheater contributes substantially to the relationship. He/she may share the work of the home and is gainfully employed.
This last form of love fraud is perhaps the most difficult to process. The victim correctly perceives some degree of affection in the relationship. There are also social pressures on these victims. Well meaning friends and relatives may say, “At least he brings home the bacon and sleeps with you every night!” In my experience, most people are looking for real intimacy and fidelity in a partner in addition to sharing a home and finances. The cheater leaves his/her victim feeling inadequate, lonely and empty.
Chronic cheaters are also very problematic when it comes to children. People who repeatedly cheat are not capable of putting a spouse’s well-being above their own. They also are often incapable of the sacrifices required to parent. Cheaters are, however, interested in children as possessions, just as they are interested in lovers as possessions. Again, “The more, the merrier!” may be the philosophy when it comes to children.
The adulterers
Adulterers are people who cheat because they are no longer “in love” with a partner and/or are not getting needs met, but they feel an obligation to stay in the marriage. Adulterers technically also commit love fraud because they do not live up to promises made. Typically, though, these spouses do not repeatedly cheat with multiple partners. An adulterer may form a bond with one other partner and leave the marriage once the responsibilities of child care are over or lessened. As a whole, this group is capable of loving relationships but made a mistake in choosing a partner, and they were unable/unwilling to correct the mistake through divorce.
Adulterers are generally adequate parents because they have ability to love. However, when children find out about infidelity they often harbor feelings of anger toward the perpetrator. Adulterers typically try to support the aggrieved spouse emotionally and financially because they feel guilty over their behavior.
The Inner Triangle
When interpreting the behavior of others within all love relationships it is very useful to consider the Inner Triangle. The Inner Triangle is Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Psychopaths and sociopaths are people who have no ability to love, poor impulse control and no moral values. These people can only be predators and parasites in ALL of their relationships. Narcissists also lack ability to love, but have an understanding of morality and impulse control. Narcissists can be parasites or cheaters.
Many other people have problems with the Inner Triangle that do not rise to the level of disorder. These people can be cheaters and adulterers in one relationship and function well in another relationship they are better suited to.
The children are the victims
In any case, defects in the Inner Triangle impair a person’s ability to parent. This is discussed in detail in my book, Just Like His Father? Next week I will address predators, parasites, cheaters and adulterers in the context of child care and custody.
Thanks Liane — what an awesome article. I really appreciate the clarity you’ve brought to the spectrum — and the ability to discern between a ‘love frauders’ position on that spectrum.
Awesome.
Thank you for this insightful article. It really explains how and why there are so many ways in which love is not really love.
I think my ex was definitely a parasite. Realizing that someone (a predator) purposely sought you out to hurt you must be very hard to come to grips with. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that victims of parasites often feel confused about what happened. I know my ex married me for appearances sake. I can forgive and forget all the selfish, crazy things he did while we were married, but all the hateful stuff that still goes on…after eight years….is very hard for me to understand. I look forward to reading your advice for children involved in these types of relationships.
Dr. Leedom, knowing that you are writing an entry about the children of lovefraud, I thought I would share the most common behaviors my children have had to deal with, with their father. I am interested to know if they are common among other families dealing with these personalities: The most common behavior my ex does is what I think is called, “withholding affection”. This is a powerful tool to get my children to do what he wants. He simply will not answer phone calls or pick them up for visits if they behave in a way he does not like. For example, one time it was his year to spend Easter with them. He arrived half an hour early to pick them up. My son’s friend was still over so he went outside and asked my ex if he could come back in half an hour. My ex drove off and never came back for the entire weekend. I remember it was my son’s first baseball practice, and his equipment and uniform were at his father’s. We were unable to reach him (by phone and when we went to his door) and so my son missed his first practice. I offered to buy my son new equipment, but he was too down to play. My ex has driven off on a Friday night and never to return all weekend if the kids walk out the door one minute late. They freak out every time he comes for his weekend. They are so anxious that they won’t get out the door on time and he will leave. This also happens when he calls at night. They have to talk to him no matter what they are doing. In the past, if they have said they can’t talk to him for whatever reason, he has hung up and has not been heard from for the rest of the week. When he does show up again, they are so excited. In public, it looks great”.they run over to him, give him kisses. People think he’s a great dad”little do they know the anguish he puts them all through.
The saddest thing that has happened since my divorce is that my oldest son does not allow me to touch him in any way. Even if I brush by him by accident, he pushes me away. He has even threatened to hit me if I touch him. He started pushing me away when he was seven or eight. He is now 14. My ex was extremely hateful when we separated and this oldest son got the brunt of it. In front of my ex, this son has thrown rocks at me, kicked me, pushed me in a bush, closed a car door on me..all while my ex watched with an approving smile. When my son started to reject me, I brought him to counseling. This counselor said she did not need to talk to our marriage counselor. She said she would figure out the situation from our son’s point of view. At one point she made a comment that she could understand where my ex was coming from”.she obviously had been conned by his shiny appearance. Her advice for me in terms of my son not allowing me to come near him was to leave it up to my son. If he didn’t want me to touch him, then I shouldn’t. I should respect his wishes. I now think this was terrible advice. I believe my ex alienated my son from me because of his extreme hatred of me. After two years of counseling, this counselor ended up suggesting that I go to court because it appeared that my ex’s behavior was harmful to my children, but even then she told me that she couldn’t really know for certain who to believe. Since that time, my ex’s hateful behavior has improved. I was not successful in restricting his visits, but I think the threat of losing custody straightened out his act a little bit. My oldest son still will not let me touch him, but I feel our relationship has improved and my two younger boys have remained affectionate towards me.
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her. As I have read in other posts, these types of personalities are really sexual. Sex is important. Affection is not.
Another thing that happened was that my oldest became really fearful of sleeping alone and bad weather when he was 10-12 years old. He would check the weather reports on the internet continually through the day, and if bad weather was predicted he would not leave the house. He has since gotten over this fear, but now my ten year old has followed right in his footsteps. I am hoping that he too will outgrow this in a year or two.
Overall, I am very fortunate because my children are doing well in school, they participate in after-school activities and they have nice friends”.so I think they are doing ok. I am not sure of the long term affects of all the craziness they have lived through, and I think their opinion of me has been tainted by their dad’s continued hatred of me. I am really trying my best to raise boys that are respectful and kind to women, and I am trying to instill in my daughter the sense that she deserves to be treated well. I feel pretty good about the three younger children, but I do worry about my oldest. He seems most likely to follow in his father’s path.
My 3 boys turned out pretty well and are great husbands and fathers trying to be the oposite of their father. However, my daughters are very tough and really mistrust men.
Dear 421dmb,
I am so sorry to hear how your X hurts your children to get back at you for not staying “his property”—YOur questions are very thought provoking. I hope that Dr. Leedom or one of the others will have some good advice for you.
Stay here and read, and also check out Dr. Leedom’s site about parenting “at risk” children of the Ps. Good luck,,and my prayers are with you and your children. (((hugs))))
“In fact, these predators often use the children to further their own purposes. Sociopaths typically have many children with several different partners.”
Not sure if I ever read this article before but this statement really jump out for me…
I remember that my ex s/p had many children and yes she had them thru different partners. I also remember when she had our 1st born how she stated that people helped people who had children. At the time I really didn’t know what to make of from her statement but I do now. I now understand how she used her children to get aid and support from any source possible. I also believe her children to be a type of Narcissistic supply for her and a false mask to wear in public because she wanted others to believe what a great mother she was. All this to date turn out to be false. She isn’t a good parent at all having never bonded with her children and when her children were no longer a service to whatever purpose she had in mind she would just simply walk away from them. I also understand how this person was unable to bond with her own children or anyone for that fact. People to her are just objects not real feeling people. People who are individuals with their own personal power. There are many things that she has done in her life time that I see as antisocial (illegal) but this issue concerning her own children is one that is still very hard for me to come to gripes with even to this day…
James: Over 200 woman a year in the US kill their children … we just hear about the ones that for whatever reason make it into the spotlight … e.g. Susan Smith, Diane Downs, Andrea Yates (using the mental health issue as a defense) etc. etc.
I would report your EX to the FBI or Americas Most Wanted … just so they can put her in their databases.
Pray for those children, they will need all the prayers they can get.
Peace.
In nature
The koo koo bird lays it’s egg ( one ) in another birds nest! The mother has nothing ever to do with it again! The Koo koo hatches first , pushes all other eggs over the side , and grows Ten times the size of mommy! Mother feeds the Monster with all her dedication! all Instinc ! no learned behavior! LOVE JJ
Reading this article has caused new doubts in my mind again over whether my ex is really a sociopath. The reason is that he does appear to genuinely love his daughter and be a devoted father. Can an adulterer be a pathological liar and not be a sociopath? Could he have been telling the truth about some things, like how he never cheated on his wife in 10 years of marriage, until now? I have been assuming this person is incapable of love and empathy, and this has helped me feel better about myself. But what if if it’s not true? What if he really is capable of love but just didn’t love me? Ugh. I’m not sure if I’m happy I read this article, though it’s a good article. My self esteem in in the pits today.