The recent post on marital misconduct, and the many letters I have received from Lovefraud readers, have caused me to conclude that love fraud is a spectrum. Because love fraud is a spectrum, there is some confusion about it. To clear up the confusion, this week I will describe the range of motives for this fraudulent behavior. Remember that one of the most important biologic/social functions of love relationships is to produce and raise children. In my opinion, love fraud that involves children is the most serious. These children did not ask to be born and are at the mercy of the adults responsible for bringing them into the world. Next week we will discuss the implications of the spectrum of love fraud for children.
Love fraud perpetrated by predators
Perhaps the most serious form of love fraud occurs when a person who is certainly a psychopath or sociopath enters into a relationship with the sole intent of exploitation and predation. I believe I was a victim of this type of fraud. There are many other examples of men and women who have been victims of this most severe love fraud; their stories may be found on this web site’s True Lovefraud Stories.
Donna speaks primarily of this type of love fraud: Being the victim of a scam is embarrassing. Humiliating. Victims keep asking themselves, “How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see it coming?” The last thing they want to do is tell other people how they participated in being duped—even though it’s not their fault.
Unfortunately, the type of person who uses the love bond as a lure to attract his/her prey does not care if children are produced in the relationship. In fact, these predators often use the children to further their own purposes. Sociopaths typically have many children with several different partners. When I first realized I had been the victim of a sociopath, I spoke with Anne McGuire from Fraud Aid (this was 2003, before Donna Andersen put up this site). I asked her, “How many women do you know who have had children with con artists?” She said, “The con artist doesn’t care about whether he fathers children. In fact, the more the merrier”¦ then he can use them as pawns!” With that I discovered I was not alone.
Love fraud perpetrated by parasites
As tragic as the True Lovefraud Stories are, they do not represent a very large percentage of the total cases of what I would consider to be love fraud. The next level of severity of love fraud happens when sociopaths and narcissists seek relationships because they want to be in a relationship. These individuals get married or form partnerships for reasons other than pure predation. They may want to use the relationship as cover to appear normal to the world. They may also dislike being alone. It is very important to understand that although psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists do not enjoy affection, they are very social. They do not enjoy being alone. Thus, these people can be predators as above, or they can be parasites.
The difference between a predator and a parasite is that the parasite does not seek to destroy his/her host. The parasite just wants to suck energy from the host. The parasitic form of love fraud is very common. Prior to becoming a victim myself, I had not known of the predatory type of love fraud. But I saw many cases of parasitic love fraud in my practice.
Victims of parasitic love fraud are often more confused about their victimization and about the perpetrator than are victims of predatory love fraud. The motives of the perpetrator are less obvious in parasitic love fraud.
The parasitic love fraud perpetrator often sees children as competition for the energy of the host. These people often leave the relationship once children are conceived. They may also have abortions themselves, or pressure their partners into having an abortion.
The cheaters
The next most common form of love fraud is perpetrated by persons with narcissistic and antisocial personality traits but not the full disorder. These individuals are capable of a modicum of what might be considered “love.” They enjoy affection some, but have such poor impulse control and moral sense that they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. These are the chronic cheaters.
With the availability of divorce and alternatives to marriage, those that repeatedly cheat are also fraudulent lovers. The motivation to cheat rather than leave has to do with power and control in a relationship. The cheater wants to own his victims. The difference between a cheater and a parasite is that the cheater contributes substantially to the relationship. He/she may share the work of the home and is gainfully employed.
This last form of love fraud is perhaps the most difficult to process. The victim correctly perceives some degree of affection in the relationship. There are also social pressures on these victims. Well meaning friends and relatives may say, “At least he brings home the bacon and sleeps with you every night!” In my experience, most people are looking for real intimacy and fidelity in a partner in addition to sharing a home and finances. The cheater leaves his/her victim feeling inadequate, lonely and empty.
Chronic cheaters are also very problematic when it comes to children. People who repeatedly cheat are not capable of putting a spouse’s well-being above their own. They also are often incapable of the sacrifices required to parent. Cheaters are, however, interested in children as possessions, just as they are interested in lovers as possessions. Again, “The more, the merrier!” may be the philosophy when it comes to children.
The adulterers
Adulterers are people who cheat because they are no longer “in love” with a partner and/or are not getting needs met, but they feel an obligation to stay in the marriage. Adulterers technically also commit love fraud because they do not live up to promises made. Typically, though, these spouses do not repeatedly cheat with multiple partners. An adulterer may form a bond with one other partner and leave the marriage once the responsibilities of child care are over or lessened. As a whole, this group is capable of loving relationships but made a mistake in choosing a partner, and they were unable/unwilling to correct the mistake through divorce.
Adulterers are generally adequate parents because they have ability to love. However, when children find out about infidelity they often harbor feelings of anger toward the perpetrator. Adulterers typically try to support the aggrieved spouse emotionally and financially because they feel guilty over their behavior.
The Inner Triangle
When interpreting the behavior of others within all love relationships it is very useful to consider the Inner Triangle. The Inner Triangle is Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Psychopaths and sociopaths are people who have no ability to love, poor impulse control and no moral values. These people can only be predators and parasites in ALL of their relationships. Narcissists also lack ability to love, but have an understanding of morality and impulse control. Narcissists can be parasites or cheaters.
Many other people have problems with the Inner Triangle that do not rise to the level of disorder. These people can be cheaters and adulterers in one relationship and function well in another relationship they are better suited to.
The children are the victims
In any case, defects in the Inner Triangle impair a person’s ability to parent. This is discussed in detail in my book, Just Like His Father? Next week I will address predators, parasites, cheaters and adulterers in the context of child care and custody.
Stargazer…..you can tell from your wound that something poisonous got you. What kind of poisonous person doesn’t really matter.
I understand your question of what if he is capable of love but just didn’t love you. But look….he misled you, put on a big old act in the beginning, was very seductive. If he meant any of that, then he should have….if it was just a case of “oops, I don’t love you as much as I thought I did”….bent over backwards to make amends, to show remorse, with actions, not just words, offered to pay for therapy, sat and answered every question you had, etc. The lack of those actions speaks to exploitation, a hidden agenda, stuff like that.
And hasn’t he hung around places you used to post? What kind of respect is that? He’s the one who should be avoiding those sites, if he was a decent person.
My bad guy has been a huge business success, a mega-millionaire. To outside appearances, he looks like a loving father and husband, great provider, etc. etc. But that isn’t the truth. His wife bursts into tears all the time, but he doesn’t get therapy for her. His kids are all damaged good.
I guess I disagree that “they function well” in another relationship. My P has a long term marriage….but guess what? He married an heiress and he can’t quite let that go, despite all the money he’s made. So yeah, he “functions” in that relationship……but I wouldn’t call it “well”.
And unless it is an open marriage by enthusiastic consent, cheaters and adulters are betraying someone. It is true that someone like Bill Clinton can still accomplish a lot of good in the world….but I sure would avoid an intimate relationship with him like the plague, wouldn’t you?
Damn…I’m still not really getting at what I’m trying to say. Let’s say he is a wonderful person and you just brought out this horrible side in him. Because you just do that to men.
Does that really make sense to you? Do you really think that could be true? Does he really seem like a person you would recommend a friend date? A niece? That you would say, I just brought out something poisonous in him and got really hurt, but I”m POSITIVE I was the problem, I’m just not loveable, and I’m SURE he will just treat you great!!!
Does that ring true????
Seems I get to join the ranks of the other folks on this website. I am thankful I stumbled across the website while I, too, like many of you, have been trying to “understand” what I experienced. My heart aches for you, as I ache for myself.
The “parisite” variety describes my experience on all points. And I’ll never forget my “off-the-cuff” remark to him the first time we met: the story goes: we met on-line 1 1/2 years ago (I discontinued internet personal sites forever shortly thereafter) — his on-line name is: Dashing01 (yep, that was a clue)– the first time we met in person (it was a very public place and day-time), we made our in-person introductions chatted for about 10 minutes, and then I couldn’t believe what “popped” out of my mouth: “What hospital have you been in for 10 years.” I should have listened to my “gut reaction” — but, of course, my curiosity and loneliness coupled with his charm and persistence got the better of me…SMILE. Hence, here I am.
Everything everyone has shared on this site, has helped me to grow through my pain and confusion. Thank you.
Thanks for your support, justabouthealed. I knew there was a reason I logged on today. I happen to be looking at some of his pictures this morning because they were mixed in with others I needed to send. He looks very happy and normal; he does not look vacant or empty. On the other hand, when I look at myself in the mirror, I have to fake a smile because inside I feel rage and emptiness. No, I would not recommend a friend to date him, though, for all I know, he could be dating some of my “friends”. I think he is a bad person, AND I am undatable.
SG – your guy sounds way too much like mine not to be a S. My ex S was really an S. He wasn’t a “predator” in that he didn’t take money from me – but he had no problem, lying, cheating, not being there for me when I really needed him, and ultimately raging at me. You weren’t with yours for long enough for him to get really bad – but for the short time you were with him, he certainly behaved poorly. My S, who was an awful S – seemed better behaved than yours in the first few months, and mine was awful!
And you seem to feel, very much, like you have been exploited by an S. All the literature resonates with you. I don’t think anyone would voluntarily have these feelings, conjure them up, or fake them. It feels terrible to tangle with one of these guys – and it sounds like you did.
Welcome Greentrees52! So sorry you had a relationship with an S. The fallout of those relationships is so friggin’ painful. You are in good company here- and we help each other through the experience. Tell us your story!
Wow, it sucks to think that I am still not over it after all this time (around 5-6 months). We only dated for a few months. I hate having to go through these feelings. I thought I was past all this, but things keep triggering it. Looking at his photos today certainly wasn’t the best idea, was it?
Justabouthealed:
You are speaking the words I am thinking when you say “he’s a wonderful person, etc.” but even while I’m thinking them, I recall him saying a couple of days before Christmas while we chatting about love, affection, fondness, etc.: his words were “maybe YOU just don’t bring those out in me” — when I went totally “still” in reaction to his words, he added: “I just said ‘maybe.'” OUCH
Stargazing
is an incureable disease , Once the victim has intamate contact with the Parasite , The victim will slowly fade out of existance.
There has been some sucessfull treatment , if the victim goes to the store for Beer and Cigaretts but this must be continious therapy!
Greater sucess has been acchieved through Getting Laid!
Get Off the puter and go see a movie go to the mall and play pickout the Ps Big SQueeeezeeee