The recent post on marital misconduct, and the many letters I have received from Lovefraud readers, have caused me to conclude that love fraud is a spectrum. Because love fraud is a spectrum, there is some confusion about it. To clear up the confusion, this week I will describe the range of motives for this fraudulent behavior. Remember that one of the most important biologic/social functions of love relationships is to produce and raise children. In my opinion, love fraud that involves children is the most serious. These children did not ask to be born and are at the mercy of the adults responsible for bringing them into the world. Next week we will discuss the implications of the spectrum of love fraud for children.
Love fraud perpetrated by predators
Perhaps the most serious form of love fraud occurs when a person who is certainly a psychopath or sociopath enters into a relationship with the sole intent of exploitation and predation. I believe I was a victim of this type of fraud. There are many other examples of men and women who have been victims of this most severe love fraud; their stories may be found on this web site’s True Lovefraud Stories.
Donna speaks primarily of this type of love fraud: Being the victim of a scam is embarrassing. Humiliating. Victims keep asking themselves, “How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see it coming?” The last thing they want to do is tell other people how they participated in being duped—even though it’s not their fault.
Unfortunately, the type of person who uses the love bond as a lure to attract his/her prey does not care if children are produced in the relationship. In fact, these predators often use the children to further their own purposes. Sociopaths typically have many children with several different partners. When I first realized I had been the victim of a sociopath, I spoke with Anne McGuire from Fraud Aid (this was 2003, before Donna Andersen put up this site). I asked her, “How many women do you know who have had children with con artists?” She said, “The con artist doesn’t care about whether he fathers children. In fact, the more the merrier”¦ then he can use them as pawns!” With that I discovered I was not alone.
Love fraud perpetrated by parasites
As tragic as the True Lovefraud Stories are, they do not represent a very large percentage of the total cases of what I would consider to be love fraud. The next level of severity of love fraud happens when sociopaths and narcissists seek relationships because they want to be in a relationship. These individuals get married or form partnerships for reasons other than pure predation. They may want to use the relationship as cover to appear normal to the world. They may also dislike being alone. It is very important to understand that although psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists do not enjoy affection, they are very social. They do not enjoy being alone. Thus, these people can be predators as above, or they can be parasites.
The difference between a predator and a parasite is that the parasite does not seek to destroy his/her host. The parasite just wants to suck energy from the host. The parasitic form of love fraud is very common. Prior to becoming a victim myself, I had not known of the predatory type of love fraud. But I saw many cases of parasitic love fraud in my practice.
Victims of parasitic love fraud are often more confused about their victimization and about the perpetrator than are victims of predatory love fraud. The motives of the perpetrator are less obvious in parasitic love fraud.
The parasitic love fraud perpetrator often sees children as competition for the energy of the host. These people often leave the relationship once children are conceived. They may also have abortions themselves, or pressure their partners into having an abortion.
The cheaters
The next most common form of love fraud is perpetrated by persons with narcissistic and antisocial personality traits but not the full disorder. These individuals are capable of a modicum of what might be considered “love.” They enjoy affection some, but have such poor impulse control and moral sense that they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. These are the chronic cheaters.
With the availability of divorce and alternatives to marriage, those that repeatedly cheat are also fraudulent lovers. The motivation to cheat rather than leave has to do with power and control in a relationship. The cheater wants to own his victims. The difference between a cheater and a parasite is that the cheater contributes substantially to the relationship. He/she may share the work of the home and is gainfully employed.
This last form of love fraud is perhaps the most difficult to process. The victim correctly perceives some degree of affection in the relationship. There are also social pressures on these victims. Well meaning friends and relatives may say, “At least he brings home the bacon and sleeps with you every night!” In my experience, most people are looking for real intimacy and fidelity in a partner in addition to sharing a home and finances. The cheater leaves his/her victim feeling inadequate, lonely and empty.
Chronic cheaters are also very problematic when it comes to children. People who repeatedly cheat are not capable of putting a spouse’s well-being above their own. They also are often incapable of the sacrifices required to parent. Cheaters are, however, interested in children as possessions, just as they are interested in lovers as possessions. Again, “The more, the merrier!” may be the philosophy when it comes to children.
The adulterers
Adulterers are people who cheat because they are no longer “in love” with a partner and/or are not getting needs met, but they feel an obligation to stay in the marriage. Adulterers technically also commit love fraud because they do not live up to promises made. Typically, though, these spouses do not repeatedly cheat with multiple partners. An adulterer may form a bond with one other partner and leave the marriage once the responsibilities of child care are over or lessened. As a whole, this group is capable of loving relationships but made a mistake in choosing a partner, and they were unable/unwilling to correct the mistake through divorce.
Adulterers are generally adequate parents because they have ability to love. However, when children find out about infidelity they often harbor feelings of anger toward the perpetrator. Adulterers typically try to support the aggrieved spouse emotionally and financially because they feel guilty over their behavior.
The Inner Triangle
When interpreting the behavior of others within all love relationships it is very useful to consider the Inner Triangle. The Inner Triangle is Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Psychopaths and sociopaths are people who have no ability to love, poor impulse control and no moral values. These people can only be predators and parasites in ALL of their relationships. Narcissists also lack ability to love, but have an understanding of morality and impulse control. Narcissists can be parasites or cheaters.
Many other people have problems with the Inner Triangle that do not rise to the level of disorder. These people can be cheaters and adulterers in one relationship and function well in another relationship they are better suited to.
The children are the victims
In any case, defects in the Inner Triangle impair a person’s ability to parent. This is discussed in detail in my book, Just Like His Father? Next week I will address predators, parasites, cheaters and adulterers in the context of child care and custody.
Another characteristic is they tend to prey on those of us who are compassionate and forgiving. They use that against us because they know we will take them back again and again. It’s diabolical. Once you figure out you are being exploited, the reality is horrible and unthinkable. It’s really hard to wrap your mind around. But yes, people like this DO exist. And we have all had the displeasure of being intimately involved with them.
justabouthealed:
yes, in the past, there have been relationships where I spent a few days crying, and it passed. And, you’re right, this one has thrown me into a “tailspin” — has caused me to wonder, question — but I won’t forget, in all my confusion, the weird eyes, the lack of affection, callousness, coldheartdness…nor, the superficialness, glibness, story-telling, name-dropping, heightened sexuality, the need to be entertained, the inertia, the inability to follow thru on a task, the disconnect, the feeling when you hold him there is no emotion — how can this be?
I am ashamed to say that I lashed out in pain..
I sent several very nasty emails many days ago, but have done nothing since..
greentree52: NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. If you contact him in any way, shape or form, you give away your power to them. They don’t care what you write or what you say … you are just feeding their ego. It’s when you have absolutely NO CONTACT is when they become helpless … cause they don’t know what going on with you.
Meanwhile, NO CONTACT so you can heal from the likes of him.
Peace.
Greentrees – lashing out in pain is totally understandable. It’s not the best thing to do, and jesus and buddha wouldn’t do it, but its understandable.
And yes, we all hurt each other in relationships – it would be impossible not to. I’ve been in many romantic relationships where I’ve hurt him, he’s hurt me – it would be impossible to have a relationship without hurt and pain.
The pain caused by a sociopath is very different. just keep reading these blogs, the articles, and literature on Sociopaths and Narcissists. One thing very telling is the level of deception. My ex S lied about so many things, all the time. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. He also cheated a lot – on me, on all his girlfriends. He had so remorse, (sure he felt bad when his behaviors had consequences for him, but didn’t care what he did to others), and lacked compassion. The pain of other people was almost repulsive to him, When I was in pain, he was cruel. He was cruel to his sister, his ex-wife – anyone who was in pain. It was an inconvenience for him. And he raged. He yelled and swore and couldn’t have any type of adult conversation involving conflict.
Yes, all of my relationships had conflict, all of my relationships had hurt – mutually inflicted. But the socioipath is like a different breed, a different creature. I could never do the things that my ex S did. I could never lie like he did, cheat like he did, manipulate like he did, or abuse like he did.
Can you do the things your ex did to you? Make a list of the cruel things he did – the times he lacked compassion, the times he was absent when you needed him. And take an honest look at that list. Are they slip ups anyone could make? Could you do to another human being what he did to you?
how does one describe being on the bad end of “inidfference” — you somehow feel like “nothing.” I once emailed him and said I was “distentangling” myself from him emotionally — his response the next day — “think so..”
It also startles me how many “blank spots” I have when I think about some things in connection with him — like I had to “forget” the horror I was seeing… is that crazy?
Not crazy at all, Greentrees. I blocked out a lot of what he did at the time, because it was so outrageous, almost impossible for me to process, and way too painful. I broke up with mine almost 10 months ago (four months NC – my end), and things he did that I had blocked out are still coming back to me.
Even with all that, I still have times when I start thinking “oh, he wasn’t so bad, poor guy…he had a tough childhood…maybe if I gave him another chance.” I think many of us do that. You read people’s stories, and they seem so awful, and then the person posts that they miss the guy. I do too! It’s part of the “betrayal bond.” You really do get attached to these guys, and its not easy to get out, even though they behave terribly. Just read our blogs, Greentrees. Reading about other people’s experiences has been so helpful for me.
I feel like these are “my girls” (and some great guys, too) on LF – and even though I think we all are pretty different, we have remarkably similar experiences with these guys.
Just keep reading. Don’t be hard on yourself for judging him. You don’t need to tell him about any of this, or present him with any labels. Just pay attention, yourself. And do not allow yourself to be abused. We end up tolerating so much with these guys, and we keep moving the line for what appropriate behavior is (for them, not for anyone else). If you are out of this relationship, try very, very, hard to have NC. It’s a big challenge, but makes a huge difference in your recovery.
recover? from wanting to have natural human sharing and caring? how does one “recover” from that without losing all hope? I’m being “rhetorical” — it’s like I can “see it all” but get lost again — sometimes I only have so much strength to fight through the bad to get to the good — and I don’t see much good right now — I think I am seeing through his eyes…the “illogical, magical” thing he can create is all around me
No, no, Greentrees. You do not want to recover from wating natural sharing and caring! That’s something beautiful and not something from which you recover. You will need to recover from trying to get that from someone who is incapable of giving that. Most of us on this site (probably all of us), at some point stayed in a relationship, thinking, hoping, we could get love, caring, and sharing back from someone (our ex S) who was utterly unable to do so. If your ex is an S, he will hurt you over and over. He doesn’t want to share – he wants what’s best for him.
I hope to recover from wasting my time and resources trying to get caring and sharing from an uncaring and selfish individual.
Never stop loving and caring! That’s one of the things that makes you beautiful. Just don’t waste those beautiful resources on a S or N, who will eat them up, use you up, and give very little in return. Mine was willing to hurt me, quite badly, if it meant that he got to do something he wanted. And he had me fooled for a long time. An embarrassingly long tim.