Yes, there can be love after the sociopath. In recognition of Valentine’s Day, this excerpt shares a bit more of the real love story in my book, Love Fraud — How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. To catch up, I invite you to read:
By Donna Andersen
Battered by competition from China, Terry’s manufacturing business was failing — his only option was to sell it. But as he was going through his divorce at the time, he needed the approval of his ex and her attorney, and it was not forthcoming. His financial situation deteriorated rapidly, which sent him into depression.
For a year, I felt love and emotional tenderness from Terry. It was evaporating. For a year I felt warmth, joy and love pouring out of him. Now I felt nothing. Terry was an empty shell. I was terrified of losing him. I was also terrified of being alone again—so terrified that I could barely get any words out. Finally I said, “I can feel you slipping away.”
He tried to comfort me, sort of.
“Please don’t leave me,” I pleaded. I cried for a while, lying on my side, with my arm draped over his chest.
Terry had to be on the road at 7 a.m. on Tuesday, May 28, 2002, for his business meetings. He woke up early, agitated again. He showered and put on khaki pants, a blue shirt and blue striped tie. The shoulders of the shirt hung low—he’d lost so much weight that it no longer fit him properly. “You look good,” I lied. “Come eat breakfast.”
The litany again. “I had my head up my ass. I had everything and lost it.”
“Look, it doesn’t matter how this happened,” I said. “The solution is the same. You have to make more money. That’s the only way out, so you have to keep your job. Just focus on getting through today.”
“Actually, I don’t feel as depressed as I did. I guess I’m coming to grips with it all.”
“That’s good,” I said, feeling a tiny bit of relief. “That’s progress.”
Terry left and I drove home, arriving in Atlantic City in time to do some work then rush off to a business luncheon. But at the restaurant, while I was supposed to be networking, my own fears caught up with me. Why was I losing love again?
I’d arranged a session with Elaine for Terry, but realized that I needed one for myself. Luckily, she was available to speak to me over the phone.
I was crying as soon as the call started. I’d spent all weekend trying to help Terry, but I was also upset for myself. Things were just starting to get better for me. Why couldn’t I find comfort? Why did I have to deal with money problems again? Terry and I discussed him living with me so he could save money, but I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.
Elaine firmly stated that he shouldn’t live with me—it was the first time she ever gave definitive advice on a decision I needed to make. She said I should be Terry’s friend and help him, but go on with my life. It was best to let him find himself. “There are many decisions yet to be made,” she said. “It is not finished. It is not decided. You’ll just have to see how he handles it, and what choices he makes.”
She picked up on my anger and wanted me to release it.
“I’m not angry at Terry,” I said. “I’m angry at God. I’m angry at Guidance. Why are they doing this to me again? I was just starting to get a little bit of stability and they knock me down again.”
“Tell them how you feel,” Elaine said.
I expressed my anger at the universe—I was thrown yet another catastrophe, and the love I found was being taken from me. I didn’t want to be alone again.
“Terry is in a very powerful place now,” Elaine said.
“What do you mean by powerful?”
“Life changing. He has the opportunity to change his life, to become closer to who he really is. It all depends on the choices he makes now. And those choices have yet to be made.”
She said I should just wait and see what happens, see how he handles the situation. “What does Guidance say about it?” Elaine asked.
“The usual,” I replied. “That it doesn’t matter. If he goes away, I’ll just move on.”
On the one hand, I told Elaine, I was upset that this was happening to me again, but on the other hand, my soul was happy that I could help Terry.
“It’s a reflection of the contradictions of being human,” Elaine commented. “We can feel the pain, and feel the joy and excitement. How it comes out depends on which we choose to feed.”
She said I had much to offer Terry, and that all the happiness we shared up to this point prepared him for this episode. I was a gateway for him. Because of what I had walked through, I could walk in this painful place with him. “When you asked, ‘Why me?’” Elaine said, “Guidance answered, ‘Who else? Who else has the strength to show him the way?’”
Elaine said Terry had a very good chance of coming through the depression. He had good insights and a high survival instinct.
The phone rang during my session with Elaine. Then my cell phone rang. Afterwards, I picked up the messages—it was Terry. I called him back, and he sounded much better.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” he said. “I love you, and I’m not leaving our relationship.”
Next: A diamond commitment from my true love
Be sure to watch Lovefraud Live on Tuesday, February 14 at 8 pm ET. My husband, Terry, will be my special guest! Sign up for a Youtube reminder.
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