REGISTER | LOGIN

Love Fraud in the sick and twisted legal system, and the new law that may protect you

By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist

Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?

So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.

Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.

Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.

I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.

Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.

Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.

Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.

The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.

If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:

Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist

Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate

Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.

 


70
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
rochelle

This sounds SO familiar to me as I struggle to pay bills for things he kept, purchased in my name. He claims he paid but trashed my credit so I know he didn’t. He charmed my lawyer as did his attorney. Since I was wife #4 (that I know of) so he knows the system very well. He and his girlfriend sleep in a bed that I am paying for. Oh and by the way….I was fighting Breast Cancer at the time. It makes me sick. I try not to think about it. The divorce is final so I guess there is nothing I could do about it. I wish I co uld get my money and credit back.

Ox Drover

Thanks for this information on the ADA law possibly applying.

The truth of this story and the courts does not only apply to married couples, but to families of all kinds…my P son’s behavior as a teenager was of course because of his “abusive” mommy, poor baby…so his behavior was MY fault…and just like “all’s fair in love and war,” so what ever her husband did is just spite on her part.

Truthspeak

Karin, I want to thank you for this article because I need SOME glimmer of hope that I will be protected from ridicule in my divorce trial.

I’ll look into this, ASAP, and anyone who is facing a legal action against a person who fits the profile of a spath would be well-advised to do the same.

Again, thank you for this article.

Brightest blessings

Louise

Thanks, Karin for this information. This is very valuable to anyone who may need it.

I have participated in Dr. Karin Huffer’s training. As she will be explaining in future articles, using the services of a legal abuse advocate absolutely changes the game for people who are going to court against a sociopath.

Many victims of sociopaths suffer from PTSD. This injury is covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. What this means is that courts are obligated to provide the litigant with accommodations so that you have equal access to the court. Accommodations may include having a legal advocate with you during court hearings to make sure you can stay calm when your opponent starts lying and you begin a melt-down.

We’ll be talking about this a lot in the future. Many of Dr. Huffer’s clients say this service was the best investment they ever made. Dr. Huffer is training more people to be able to offer it. I think this whole program is a game-changer.

Ox Drover

While I think this is a great start…part of the problem is though if the VICTIM is having to pay for this (much less FIND someone to advocate for them) that is going to limit it to those who can afford it.

In most ADA situations the company has to provide the service, like sign language interpreters etc at NO COST to the person needing the service.

So I think we also need to look at getting this needed service financed by the very courts which are causing the need. It also puts a push on the victim too prove they are ENTITLED to the service.

The VINE program for victims of crime in which the perp is in prison is a great program with wonderful counselors and when the Trojan horse went to prison I was notified every time he came up for parole and COUNSELED through my protests etc.

MiLo

Donna,

I’m not sure if you or Dr. Huffer could answer this question because it is very specific, but this is something I am wondering about.

If you are in a child custody case with a spath and you have been diagnosed and are being treated for PTSD because of DM and stalking by the spath, isn’t it possible that admitting your PTSD could be used against you in a family court situation? Would the symptoms and the “effects” of the PTSD be used to say you were unfit to parent because of this condition?

Also, is there concern that the Judges/Magistrates that are hearing these cases are even aware of this law, let alone take it seriously? What if you are dealing with a Magistrate who still believes anything you say or do that attempts to show the “real” spath is considered parental alienation?

While, it sounds like, from this article, a tremendous service and one that is certainly needed, I would really appreciate an opinion on how this would relate to Family Court custody cases.

Thanks

MiLo:

The way this is set up, the ADA accommodation is requested through the court administrator office. The court MUST provide accommodations – the judge does not have discretion in this. And, the request is totally confidential. The reason for the accommodation is not brought up in court, not subject to discovery. The opposition can’t dispute it. And if the judge does not provide the accommodation, he/she can be SUED.

Yes, there are judges who don’t know about it, so sometimes the legal abuse advocate has to educate them. But the law does have TEETH.

MiLo

Oh Donna,

Thanks so much, this really helps to answer my question. I have a dear friend who is going through sheer torture because her son is being abused by the spath father and no matter what she does or who she or the child tells it falls on uncaring deaf ears. It is a situation where she is doing everything right and nothing is helping.

Again, thanks, I will let her know what you said immediately.

I am so glad you posted this good news Karin!Thank you!It surely helps one relax when visualizing facing the socialpath’s fury in the court!Especially when you’re not only under stress and very likely PTSD…..but also epileptic!

callmeathena

ALERT!

Tonight at 8 p.m. CST the CASEY ANTHONY TRIAL is going to be on TV with Rob Lowe. Recommended watching.

Also a new moving will be coming up called SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. I don’t know if it will be good or not – could be trashy like the book “the wisdom of psychopaths” – or it might be excellent to further our cause. I DUNNO.

FYI

ATHENA

Ox Drover

Donna, that clears up a lot of the deal for me….good! WHO determines what accomodation?

amanwhocares

The process itself is built for abuse. In divorce, family court process sets up and facilitates for Parental Alienation over custody over the children. There are even advocacy groups, including the National Organization of Women, and the one which helped to take my daughter from me and give her back to a sociopath, alienator, Justice For Children, Judicial Council For Excellence, Courageous Kids that reject this particular activity by sociopaths. These groups call it a ruse a predator uses to get the kids. Family Court process sets up for the use of such activities partly due to the time it seems to take to complete the process. When a person enters a family court too everyone responsible for effecting justice seems to treat the litigants as though they were simply on a soap opera tv set. All drama; nobody has the ears to hear.

janmc

The legal abuse has been torture with the system being used by the spaths to attack me and my daughter. Undoing this twisted mess has been a devastating nightmare. The triggers and depression are beyond belief. Where do I get help? The counselor I saw said it was horrible injustice and couldn’t offer any consolation; had heard of other cases like this. She quit.

Mincheff Joyce

I was victimized by rape by fraud for over 3 years. The man was a total sham. I had a child by this marriage and in a dispicable distortion of the judicial process, I was awarded $30 per week for his support, (which my ex rarely paid.)

I struggled for years with Post Traumatic Rape Syndrome. I simply had no sense that a crime had been committed against me because rape-by-fraud is only identified as a crime in 3 states, none of which are mine.

I thank God for people like you and Donna Anderson who have shedded light on the reality of sociopaths and psychopaths in romantic relationships.

I’ve created a blog that’s in its embryonic stage. It’s totally free. My intent is for victims to be able to help end the continuation of predatory rape-by-fraud behavior by unmasking people who misrepresent themselves inorder to seduce. By using Carnal Abusive Deceit, (CAD) they circumvent “knowing” consent. Instead, they perpetrate rape-by-fraud. If anyone has fallen victim to this rarely punished crime, log onto http//[email protected] to register the factual vital statistics of the perpetrator so they will be deterred from misleading again.

Through the healing process I have come to know that justice may not grace those who speak out, but speaking out is a step toward healing regardless of the outcome. It will enable you to empower yourself. Our judicial system does not dispense justice. It simply determines what is proven by the evidence. Just because the evidence is insufficient to ratify what is in your heart, you will know you have done what you could do to expose the perpetrator’s transgression to the light of day.

I have written my story, Carnal Deceit. It is soon to be released. If anyone would like a copy, please contact me at [email protected].

My sympathies go out to anyone dealing with a P, but especially anyone with young children and custody issues,what a horror that must be.

I would like to offer a specific piece of advice to anyone going through a legal battle with a P. My heart goes out to you, and I fully understand the quest for justice that motivates you. I had read here on love fraud during my trauma, words to the effect”don’t try and fight a P, they will win and you will exhaust yourself” Well I thought I could win anyway. Frankly I had no choice but to try and go after what he had stolen, as I could not find work and had no means of support.

After an intense three year Legal battle, I finally had to walk away. I had managed to prove in court, at times doing self rep that he had taken $$ in the high six figures shortly before our breakup. I was able to seize his computer and passport, and found numerous spread sheets on the hard drive detailing a lavish lifestyle and investments in the millions. I had the copies of the cancelled cheques he had forged in my name, at least 50 of them, for big sums, and the forensic document analysts’ report that in fact they were forgeries by him etc.

What did I win in the end? A piece of paper that instructs any bank anywhere in the world to disclose any accounts he has with them. Writing these banks, it turns out, is not worth the price of the stamp.

So my advice to anyone going through the courts with a P on financial justice, is this. Unless you know where his assets are, specifically, what bank etc, do not waste your energy.

Take a cold hard look at what your chances are of COLLECTING on any judgement you might be awarded. And consider that the whole time in court gives the P more time to play three card Monte.

I rationalized all my reasons for trying to fight, not the least of which was my outrage, my anger as the revelations of his betrayal on every level, and his active deliberate attempts to destroy me emotionally came to light. And I believed the courts would help me, in my case the judges were at times helpful, and I believe understood my plight. But unless you can “show them the money”..they can only award you a judgement. It is a hollow victory.

My P (who it turns out likes men) married a new woman within a year of our split (after 27 years of marriage). He “went back to the church” and now does the churches bookkeeping, (rolling of eyes). Unless he starts driving Ferrari’s again, all I can do is
forget it, and rebuild my life the best I can.

And kudos once again to LF for bringing their readers so much important support and resources.

Peace, A

Quantum Solace

I could write books (not just one but several) on victimization by the legal system. After 12 years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, I lost my children due to the legal system’s bias and incompetence. The worst part is that he was able to accomplish all the atrocities he did by stealing the family’s finances (including the children’s college funds and our retirement) to pay for lawyers (yes, two different firms at once!) with which to fight me for absolutely nothing as there wasn’t much there to fight for. Today, 16 years later, after having to move out of my home state to leave the nightmare behind, he has found me and we’re still entangled in the legal system. To date, the legal system is still catering to him. I’m now seriously considering moving out of the country. I know I lost my fight on my first hearing, I simply have refused to accepted it. Until now.

The only way to win against a spath is to move the target.

They don’t know what we value so we have to make them think we don’t value money. Join a monastary, a convent or a commune. Make it seem like you’ve given away all your worldly possessions. Make sure you have a look of bliss on your face. It will drive them nuts.

BlueSkyBlueRain

I too, gathered enough ‘evidence’ to have taken my Spath to court, in a battle over the financial ruin and crimes against me. But added to the fact that our legal system would have caused me further emotional duress, by allowing my abuser to get away with it, the added humiliation and possible exposure to more abuse, due to the fact that my ex and I were in a ‘same-sex’ relationship, left me with a feeling that to pursue such a course of action would only cause me further trauma.
My only solice has come through talking with the few friends and people I have met, who have experienced the same situation in their lives.
While it seems the majority of Lovefraud readers are from heterosexual relationships, I would like to point out that these people know no bounds and are rapidly infiltrating and destroying the lives of people in the the gay community as well. They leave victims with even lesser inclination to seek justice, for fear of exposure, further humiliation and the possiblility of being shunned by their families all together. I believe this makes gays and lesbians even greater and possibly easier targets for sociopaths. I should know, I survived two in a row.

Louise

Joyce Mincheff:

Thank you so much for this information. I think this is what all the spaths did to all of us…misinterpreted themselves to deceive us. I know mine did. Awful, horrid people who think they are cute and can get away with anything and everything.

Delores

It is really twisted and sad that a victim has to claim a disability (mental/psychological illness) that the psychopath caused in order to protect herself from more victimization by the psychopath and the legal system. God help us all.

behind_blue_eyes

Concurrent with my romantic involvement with a sociopath, I experienced the stress of a sociopathic manager at one I would discover to be one of the world’s most sociopathic companies.

So I am not merely taken as a “disgruntled” form employee, here is one gem regarding my former employer. Legally, I am not allowed to mention their name, but you can figure out who they are:

“Decades after the war, it was demonstrated the Bank took active roles in trading stolen gold, securities and other assets during World War II. The issue of “unclaimed property” of Holocaust victims became a major issue for them in the mid-1990s and a series of revelations in 1996-97 brought the issue to the forefront of international attention.

The Bank confirmed that a large number of accounts that had gone unclaimed as a result of the bank’s policy of requiring death certificates from family members to claim the contents of the account. Their handling of these revelations were largely criticized and the bank received significant negative attention and came under significant pressure, particularly from American politicians, to compensate Holocaust survivors who were making claims against the bank.

In January 1997, a night watchman at the Bank found employees shredding archives compiled by a subsidiary that had extensive dealings with Nazi Germany. The shredding was in direct violation of a recent Swiss law protecting such material. The Bank acknowledged that it had “made a deplorable mistake”, but an internal historian maintained that the destroyed archives were unrelated to the Holocaust.”

In addition, “the Bank” has been at the forefront of every major banking scandal over the last 50+ years, including most recently:

“On 19 December 2012 the Bank agreed to pay regulators $1.5bn for its role in the Libor scandal over accusations that it tried to rig benchmark interest rates. US Assistant Attorney General Lanny Breuer described the conduct of the Bank as “simply astonishing.”

The bank has stated that these and other fines would probably result in a significant fourth-quarter loss in 2012. The fine levied by the FSA, reduced due to the bank’s cooperation, was the largest in the agency’s history.”

Yet, they hide behind a mask of respectability:

“The Bank is firmly committed to corporate responsibility and actively strives to understand, assess, weigh and address the concerns and expectations of the firm’s stakeholders. This process supports the Bank in its efforts to safeguard and advance the firm’s reputation for responsible corporate conduct. In very direct ways, responsible corporate conduct helps create sustainable value for the company.”

Sustainable Value = profits from money laundering, price fixing and tax evasion.

My legal battle against them was highly stressful, compounded by lawyers who, while recommended by a lawyer friend and well respected, proved more interested in a quick win than the justice I was seeking.

While all this was going on, in April, 2010 open-heart surgery, a direct result of my stress. Thankfully, the surgery went very well.

Unfortunately, I did not fully understand the PTSD that I was suffering from. If left to my Psychiatrist, I would be medicated for Bipolar II. It was here, from OxDrover, that I learned much about PTSD and became convinced that this was my real issue, along with mild Cyclothymia that has a strong environmental/behavioral component.

Finally, late last year, I began to see remission, after rejecting several medications that left me brain dead and unmotivated.

My former spouse actually got BOLDER when he had an attorney because, I believe, the attorney strengthened his mask. He felt he had “protection” now – and guess what? He was right!
My attorney ended up being his attorney’s bitch. He was a monster as our marriage was ending and once the divorce process started, he was a vicious monster. Dirtball!! Scumbag!!
He lied under oath so many times. Even in the presence of a judge he mumbled under his breath, “Nothing going on in our bed.” His efforts to try to hurt me and make me feel badly seem to have no end.

It was on another posting here – that I finally realized there will be no closure. Don’t even look for closure, I have no expectation of it. He doesn’t wear out or wear down. His capacity for fighting is infinite.

When does what goes around comes around kick in? what you give out, you get back? when does karma come to bite you in the arse?

I could hold my breath for a long time, watching to see if he’ll “get his” but it’s just time I don’t get on with my own life.

I have court orders for him to pay me certain amounts of money – and they amount to nothing. I have no faith in wasting any more money on another attorney hoping that SOMEthing will force him to behave in a certain way, perform a certain duty, or action.

Anitasee, I have judgments for him to pay certain monies back and he simply will not. I hold out no hope. He will lie, say that I owe him. It simply is not worth the energy. My energy is best directed toward myself, my needs, ME.

He would be the one saying he needed this service and pretend that I abused him by filing. He would do a spin on this so fast it would make every blogger’s head on this site spin. In two postings he could convince you all that I was a poser on this site and really he is the one who has endured an abusive relationship. I guarantee it. Why do I give him so much credit and strength – because it is true, he gets credit for appearing as a victim and strength – because I somehow let him take it from me.

I have to let go. My “evidence” means nothing to a judge.

Truthspeak

Honestkindgiver, court is never about “justice.” Well, in most cases, it isn’t.

Divorce court and “Family Court” is also not about what is “fair,” or reasonable for ex-spouses and children.

What you are experiencing is “victim-blame” and you are NOT obligated to accept it, even if a Court supports it. Courts are not interested in what you’ve experienced, the financial fraud that the spath perpetrated, NOR in seeing that the spath faces consequences for their actions.

Give him credit? REALLY?! I won’t give the exspath credit for doing anything other than breathing without assistance. I’m giving ME credit for putting an end to the illusion and abuse. If the exspath (and, his attorney) want to continue lying and machinating, then GREAT. There’s a price to pay for that.

And, karma will come around. You (and I) may not SEE it or ever know about it, but it’s not our purpose in this lifetime to see that karma comes around and slaps the spath(s) in the face with a rotten salmon. It just isn’t.

I devoted too much time and energy in amassing mountains of documentation, reports, etc., and I’m not spending another moment on explaining why this marriage was false, from the beginning, nor why I am in the physical condition that I am. My energies and time need to be spent on my own recovery, and that means LETTING GO of this whole divorce trial.

I’m not going to be heard. I’m going to be blamed. I’m going to be belittled and humiliated – IF I allow it. But, in the end, the Earth is still going to spin on her axis, the sun is still going to rise in the East, and colonies of ants are still going to build their homes. What happens in my legal situation will have no impact upon the community, the County, the State, the Nation, or the planet, in general. And, I just have to accept it or obsess about it – and, I’m so very, very weary of obsessing.

Take my hand and I’ll take yours – we’ll both walk away from our experiences WISER, stronger, more resourceful, more resilient, and with the strongest of boundaries.

(Snapping fingers)….PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT…..I’ve got a life to rebuild, and I don’t have the time or inclination to entertain stupidity. Neither do you! 😀

Brightest blessings

Bernice

Finally! There are people who know how it feels! I can’t find the words to describe the shame and humiliation I have felt. still feel to an extent, for bringing a spath into not just my life but my family’s as well. It is a horrendous feeling to go from the light as air, honeymoon feelings to discovering it as all been a huge lye. I’ve mourned the love I thought I had, the relationship I so desperately craved. I’ve regretted every time I believed he was honest and true. I felt like a toltal moron for believing him in the first place. Then to rub salt in the wounds, family and friends continually remind me that they knew something was wrong from the start. I am sure they are trying to comfort me but it works much more the opposite. Then yes, the legal system. How does and honest person fight a lyer? Someone who is good at it and has no remorse about saying and doing what they need to get what they want. Even my lawyer thought I was over reacting. She advised me he was just hurt by my asking him to leave and I should let him get “his” things and he would go away. He never stopped wanting more and kept coming back. I haven’t heard from his lawyer now for about a month, but I look every day expecting something. I want to clean every reminder of him from my computer and my life but I don’t dare for fear he will come at me again and I will need to prove over and over that I am the victim. I wish there were some way to legally bring it to an end, find the closer I need. He still holds the upper hand and its oh so frustrating!!

Louise

Bernice:

You said something that really jumped out at me…”How does an honest person fight a liar?” So true. We can’t. Like you said, “Someone who is good at it and has no remorse about saying and doing what they need to get what they want.” I have said that exact thing so many times. They do this all the time. And most of the time, it is so subtle, people don’t even realize WHAT they are doing…the damage they are causing. It is awful. HUGS to you.

Ox Drover

Dear Bernice,

First of all, it is not your fault, you were scammed.

As for your relatives, or others when they say thhis sort of thing, say something back to them (Nicely)

“You know, JoAnn, even though I know your intentions are good, when you go on and on about how you knew that John was a _____(fill in the word) all it does is to make me feel worse, not better, because he had me fooled and blinded by love, and I couldn’t see that bad part of him for so long, so I would appreciate it if you would just not talk about John any more.”

Practice saying this in front of the mirror until you can say it by rote….and when you come to the situation where someone is trying to be “helpful” you can just RECITE this little verse and maybe put a stop to the continual “helpful” comments.

Keep on reading here as well, there is a WEALTH of information ere that will help you recover.

Delores

Dear Bernice,

Let go of the shame and humiliation. Victims of psychopaths are often chosen for their over abundance of good qualities like trust, honesty, integrity, financial or career successs, intelligence, etc. Then the psychopath twists those good traits to use against us.

Some people can spot them from the start or have learned from experience. I would take their confimation as agreeing with where you are now as opposed to condemning you for getting involved.

What I cannot stand is the constant remarks of how everyone else thought we had the perfect marriage or how he isn’t that bad. They do not know how bad it was.

I cherish the ones who say they know even if they knew from the start when I did not.

The more you read here, the more you will understand how special you are.

Dear Bernice,
I understand how you feel;about the shame and humiliation of having introduced the spath into the lives of your family and friends.I’ve had the same feelings.I’ve felt the same way about raising 3 children in the situation.We just have to LET IT GO.We would never have purposely hurt anyone!It has helped me greatly to know that it is because of our GOOD qualities that we became the spath’s targets in the first place.

I’ve also had people tell me they knew from the beginning “something was wrong”.My dad even warned me a week before the wedding not to marry the spath!Father knows best,hmmm?!But when you think you’re in love and you’re trying to make your dreams come true,your vision and mind are fuzzy.You’re NOT AT FAULT FOR WHAT HAPPENED-YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!

Truthspeak,

Your response is beautiful. Thank you for reminding me to walk away. The rotten salmon reference made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.

I know that the “credit” I give him is for perfecting the pity ploy. Poor me….. He told our 8 year old nephew, “She says I can’t live with her anymore.” Preying on a young child, like poor me. Despicable!!

Yes, I do obsess and still have moments of anger. How DARE he have gotten away with all of this. AND worse, How did I ever allow it. I didn’t know how to get out- I was never heard- I was never gonna genuinely be heard – and once I FINALLY came to that realization – Divorce was the only answer. A painful process in itself, but joyful too that now I know this:
I am good enough
I am enough.

Truthspeak, I really like so many of your blogs!
Thank you times 3

Bernice,

I also thought the same- that my marriage was a sham and the whole relationship was a lie. People tell me, oh no, he loved you, he just couldn’t always show, or People make mistakes, or people change, blah blah blabbity blah.

They really don’t get the depth of lies and betrayal – and frankly I find myself embarrassed to tell many stories, because then, they think , um wait,, YOU put up with that shit?
It was all a lie. A terrible lie that I believed. However I can heal and I continue to heal.

I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my family (intact) and he knew it, so there were no boundary lines for him. I am sure in his twisted mind he figured I was desperate enough to always put up. He even told me one time that his brother and sister in law “Have an understanding.” I guess he was trying to tell me that his brother is also a spath, narcissistic cheater and his wife just turns a blind eye to keep up the front or keep her lifestyle. Whatever, not me.

Bernice – I mourned and grieved too. But I celebrate who I am, how I behaved and conducted myself. It was a decent counselor who told me that when I too felt so stupid and didn’t listen to my gut that something was off.

My former spath cleaned a bunch of evidence off our computer on his way out the door. It is difficult to fight a liar and most attorneys are happy to take your money if they see that you have any significant assets. In fact, encourage the fighting to charge and bill for the time.

I too figure he can rear his ugly head up again any time and just try to be on my toes.

The other day he thought I was gone (I was) as he came to pick up the kids. He was in MY house. I got home as this was occurring. I said, “What are you doing in here?” He said “Oh, just helping the kids.” He went out, but in retrospect, I wish I had video taped him inside, and called the police, because unless authorities get involved he takes nothing serious. And when authorities do get involved he wants revenge.

Truthspeak

Quantum Solace, are you asking for yourself, or for someone that you know?

The best resource to start with would be http://www.ndvh.org Going “underground” requires a series of events and proactive steps…NONE of which I know of.

Brightest blessings

Quantum Solace

Truthspeak: I’m asking for myself. This is my last resource. Thank you for the link I’ll look into it. I appreciate your help.

Ox Drover

Quantum solace, for safety’s sake please remove your e mail address up above.

There are several books on the internet for sale on HOW TO DISAPPEAR SAFELY.,..iif you have kids and the abuser has parental “rights” you may be guilty of kidnapping and the FBI becomes involved so there are lots of ways you can get into trouble.

I did an article on keeping safe from stalkers (about various books I hhave read on it as I had to go into hiding for a while from my son’s ex convict friend he sent to kill me.

I bought a recreational vehicle and got a post office box as my address (for driver’s licenses you must have a physical address so use a friend) and the PO box is your address for bills or insurance (like car insurance) and for a fee the US post office will forward your mail to anywhere so you don’t even have to go get your mail.

Since cell phones have GPS trackers in them, one gal I know rented a PO box, turned the phone OFF and put it in the box, but had all calls to that number FORWARDED to another cell phone. As long as you pay the bill on phone #1, it can lie there forever and forward calls to a “throw away” phone that your stalker can’t trace.

Living in a recreational vehicle (mine is a trailer) is a good way to actually LIVE in place A while having your residence in place B and be quite mobile. As long as you do not have utilities hooked up in YOUR name there is no way someone can trace you. Problem is, if you have to work or have kids that need schooling. I was retired so that wasn’t a problem for me.

California is a state that will help a stalking victim change SS# and name, so read the article I wrote here and then start reading the books.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/07/16/helpful-books-for-people-being-stalked/

Quantum Solace

Ox Drover: that is a temporary e-mail address, it will be closed after a couple of days. Anyway, the damage has already been as the guy has tracked me down, knows where I live, work, friends, has all of my phone numbers, professional/media accounts and has even obtained my medical records directly from my doctor. There’s nothing to hide: he has it all! Today alone, I received 5 phone calls from the court on his behalf. As part of putting my life together after the divorce, something stupid I thought I could do, I bought a home which it’s almost paid for. I don’t have to tell you that with the present economic circumstances, walking away from it will be the only choice. My kids are grown and they both hate me, in fact, right now my own daughter is suing me in court prompted by the psychopath. I know now that it won’t end so I have to do whatever it takes even if that means ending my own life.

strongawoman

Quantum,

Hang on and hang in there. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sure people here will rally round with advice for you on how to move forward. Your life is precious. Please believe that. Sending you the most sincere blessings.
SW

Quantum,
You are approaching this emotionally, that’s obvious to the reference to ending your own life.

That’s a mistake because spaths feed on that. I’m not blaming you for being emotional, it’s human and normal, but you HAVE to slow down, take a deep breath… now… do you have faith in God? If so, then please, before you do anything, place your trust in Him. If you don’t, then think about the universe and how you came to be here. It got you this far and you are still alive, with a home that’s almost paid for!! Count your blessings because that’s where you start to plan your next step.

Your blessings are your resources. You have a job, a home, a doctor. Use them to your advantage.

Quantum Solace

I have no god, no job, no good home (although I do have all the bills and responsibilities that go with it) and no doctor. I also have no family — except for my two biological children, one who is suing me and the other who willfully or not will probably be the one to end my life, and I have no friends or anyone I can even talk to. All in all, I have nothing to fight for and even less to live for. In fact, if it weren’t for my continued running, hiding and hurting, I’d have nothing. But thanks for your good thoughts and kind words, they’re much appreciated.

Quantum,
you said he knows where you work. That’s a job. The home you almost paid for, it’s a house.

He has frightened you and you are reacting in fear. THAT was his intent. If for no other reason, REFUSE. Refuse to do what he wants. The evil ones have NO POWER, unless we give it to them. They make themselves seem so powerful but they depend upon your beliefs for that power.

bluejay

Quantum Solace,

I remember you, recalling past posts from you. Please don’t harm yourself. Like you, I don’t find life, living an easy thing (most of the time). The spath that I was married to is a pain in the _ss. When I was discovering that my ex was a spath, experiencing one nightmare after the next, I said to myself, “I’m not going down without a fight.” These people (as you know) create chaos, disorder, unending headaches. We can be your support system, your friends. You will prevail. Take it one step at a time, “one moment at a time” (I received this advice from a school principal, when my ex-spath went on the run from the law, and I was a royal mess). Take care of yourself, period. I’m rooting for you, praying for you. Peace.

Quantum Solace

skylar: I’ve been unemployed for 2 years, I attempted my hand at a small home business which I set up with phone, etc. that’s what he found out (btw, that was a scam and I was swindled out of my retirement). I have refused, REFUSED to do what he wanted for 16 years. I can’t refuse anymore. It’s stronger than me, I guess I’m not an oak after all. He has all the power and has had it all along. The day I have the sheriff knocking at my door with an arrest warrant, it will be proven so.

Bluejay: I guess you guys don’t realize that I was married to that monster for 12 years during which I endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse. He was able to take my children away from me simply because he had control of the finances and stole all the family money (including the children’s college funds) to finance lawyers (as many as two at a time) to cheat me out of what was rightfully mine. I finally divorced him and thought it was almost or at least almost over. Little did I suspect! Since 1997, we have been in court more than 100 times. I have moved to 3 different states and, somehow, he always manages to find me. It’s been 16 years now and he’s only getting warmed up. My children, already 20 and 22, are being used by him as tools of torture. My own daughter is vicious and makes him proud. Today, I received 5 phone calls from the courthouse where I was supposed to be (I didn’t know his because I have been sending his letters back which I receive to the tune of 3 a week). How can anyone be expected to find peace or any resemblance of a life like that? If anyone can, kudos to them, I guess I’m not that strong. It’s been a combined 27 or so years now and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I jump and scream at the slightest noise, I’m terrified of my own shadow, I shake like a leave, I have nightmares (when I can sleep) and wake up jumping in bed and screaming off the top of my lungs. I can’t remember anything, I can’t concentrate. I don’t get along with anyone. I hear whistling in my ears all the time and I’m so dizzy and with such poor balance it looks like I’m drunk all the time. He won this one a long time ago and before I even noticed.

Tea Light

Quantum, breathe, slowly and deeply, in slowly through your mouth, to the count of ten, then exhale to the count of five. Repeat, at least ten times. Hold something soft to the touch , hug it close to you, a teddy or a sweater. You are afraid and we know what that is like here. Please talk to us here. Please, as one human being to another, I ask you not to harm yourself. Please let us try and help and if your suicidal feelings become unmanageable I beg you to contact the emergency services, or the hotlines in your area. Hang on. Peace and love to you x

bluejay

Quantum Solace,

You sound worn out by the constant harrassment. That is understandable. I like Tea Light’s suggestions. You have to take care of yourself, being easy with yourself. Refuse to think, worry about anything. The _ell with the latest crappola that the spath and his minions are throwing your way. In my opinion, you need a BREATHER, a break from the latest upset. Get help if you need it. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time.

Quantum Solace

I have contacted the following:

Dr. Huffer
The National Center for Domestic Violence
Protective Mothers Alliance
Partnership Against Domestic Violence
Battered Women’s Justice Project

NOBODY CAN HELP! Yet, the court is calling me on his behalf and catering to his every whim. What a country, eh? Here’s the kicker, I came to the US from a sh*thole third world country thinking that I would find justice and all that crap. If I had stayed in my third world country he couldn’t touch me and I would have had my kids yet here, the entire system is at his beckoning call and I’m screwed. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic and tragic.

Tea Light

Quantum, which is your country of origin? Do you have relatives or connections there ?

Quantum Solace

Tea Light: I’m a political refugee. I can’t go back if that were an option, I would have gone back over 20 years ago. I’ve been here for over 3 decades & those I left behind have all died. All my doors have closed.

Ox Drover

Quantum Solace,

I hear your pain, your frustration and your justified anger. I also heard your feeling hopelessness and helplessness….and your mentiion of ending your life. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER THAT OPTION.

If at all possible, see about renting or leasing your house through an agency to at least make the payment, and possibly moving to another state or area. Small RVs are cheap now and are definitely a way to stay on the move fairly easily and LIVE CHEAPLY. Wal Mart even allows people to park in their lots over night for free, and if you move from one to the next each day in a town with several you could park free of charge. Many RVs are self contained for electricity and butane for cooking or there are state parks that charge very little for parking with plug in facilities. It is a thought.

If you have a religious preference contact a church for help.

What is he suing you for?

How old are you? Do you have job skills?

Without children you can move to another state and legally change your name. I am assuming you are a US citizen at this point.

There are many options, right now you just haven’t found them but there are a great many smart folks here who have been in your very shoes….I’m one of them. I fortunately was able to return home but I still have to fight my psychopathic son’s parole every so often. Even from prison he tried to have me killed.

Please do not GIVE UP, that’s just not an option. (((hugs))) and my prayers.

Quantum Solace

Buying a house was, to me, a way of anchoring myself and normalizing and stabilizing my life. That, like everything else that I have tried to do to improve myself, has backfired because now I’m tied to it and can’t get away unless I give up and all the money I have invested. I put myself thru college after the divorce so now I have two college degrees and 30 years of experience in my field of work. That being the problem now that I’m “overqualified” (read as too old) and the only jobs I can find after I was let go from my other job 2 years ago (after being there for almost a decade) are part-time jobs that don’t even pay enough to buy gas and groceries. I’m in my mid 50s and feeling my age, with back problems and a basket case as a result of decades of abuse (my mother too abused me something awful when I was a child hence the reason why I married “her”). I’m tired of running, hiding and being afraid when I haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m considering legally changing my name. In the state where I now live it’s very easy and fairly cheap to do. I can get it done in a couple of months. If I’m careful not to post pix on the internet (something I don’t normally do), they won’t be able to make the connection. The first time they found me through my Resume which I had posted on a website. They went as far as detailing all the efforts they took to find me in court papers. It’s was unconscionable. For the past week, I’ve been receiving notices from Facebook and Linked (accounts I had for professional reasons) telling me that both he and the wife have been viewing my profile. I had to cancel both accounts. Next thing I knew, they were calling my home number. Today, I received 5 calls from the court because I was supposed to be there (although I live 500 miles away). I received 3 letters from him over the past couple of weeks and sent them all back.

This is what I have done so far:

1. I have contacted a domestic violence advocate who specializes on getting new identities. I’m waiting for her to call me back and see what she says.

2. I blocked all of his numbers, the court number and those to a former friend that I know he will communicate with when he thinks that I’ve moved. She is no longer my friend and, based on what she did to me to terminate the friendship, I know that will sell me down the river to him.

3. I’ve done some research and can get a mail forwarding service on the West Coast. They will receive all my mail, open and scan it for me and make it available on a secured website so I can view it. That way, I can give the appearance of having moved. I can transfer all my bills to electronic format.

4. I ordered from Amazon the 2 books you recommended to see how I can transfer the deed to my house maybe to the company I set up for the home business that turned out to be a scam. I still have that entity, may as well use it.

I have thought about renting the house and moving. Right now, I’m negotiating a work opportunity that, if it comes thru could be very good for me, providing me with a good livelihood, my own business and security. I simply can’t up and run and leave all that behind because of that psycho.

As to the reason why he’s suing me is an ongoing saga. First, he milked our divorce agreement and went down the line suing me on each and every single one (even though he was the one who was in violation). Along the way, there were other orders that were issued (although he was in violation of those), he always managed to get me on something which would result on another order and so on and so forth. This is one of those stupid things where he is the one in violation yet he’s dragging my ass. He wants me to pay my daughter’s college tuition although he makes over $100k a year and she has stated in court papers that she hates my guts, wants nothing to do with me except for my money (or rather the money I don’t have). In the state of NJ, parents are legally responsible for their kids maintenance and college education until the age of 24. In the past, I used to keep him somewhat in check because he would hire a lawyer and I’d make sure and create so much work that by the time it was said and done, his bill was $10 or $20k. When he got married, the wife (herself a litigious, vicious bitch) taught him how to pull the pro se kits from the courthouse website and do it all for 30 bucks. Since then, he’s been suing me on a quarterly basis. It is so bad that, sometimes, he shows up in court with “evidence” that he has stolen. For example, in order to prove that I had lied about medical bills for my son (for which he owed me money), he went to my doctor and was able to obtain my and my son’s medical records. He should up with those in court. HIPPA be dammed. The judge did absolutely nothing to him.

It doesn’t end. And I know that this is going to sound strange to you but I wish this one would have tried to kill me that way, I could have had him locked away. But he’s the biggest coward you’ve ever seen, he’ll beat me, he’ll steal from me and my children, he’ll follow me, stalk me, hack into my accounts, mess my life but he will never do anything that requires ballz and will land him in jail.

Quantum,
I know this is totally unfair but people who have not encountered spaths, don’t get it when they see us acting crazy and afraid. They tend to just dismiss us. On the other hand, when we act calm and in control, they are much more likely to offer help. That’s what I’ve noticed. It’s insane and it makes no sense, but that’s the way it is.

In my case, I noticed that even people who HAVE encountered spaths, have never encountered one like mine and they STILL don’t get it. They think calling the police is the answer. HA! He has the police in his pocket. The only thing that worked somewhat, was calling the FBI!

Anyway, sorry for the rant, this injustice really gets to me.

So try to be calm and informative when you discuss these matters with people who might help you.

It sounds like selective gray rock might work for you. With selective gray rock, you show them a fake vulnerability. Very carefully make them believe that you are afraid that they will find out that xxxxx. Of course there is no xxxxx, but you will leave a trail that makes them think there is. Then wait for them to pounce and make themselves look foolish, crazy, or whatever you need.

Quantum Solace

Skylar: Thank you for your kind words. I have come to the same conclusion that you have and have seen the difference being calm and in control makes, particularly, with the spath who expects you to be emotional and falling apart. Having said that, I know what his and his new psycho-bitch wife MO is. She’s all about the internet. My son has told me stories or her and her daughter sitting side by side at their computers for entire weekends looking for me. I just didn’t lose a psycho spouse, I gained two! My kind of luck. Anyway, all the information they have they’ve been able to get thru the internet, they have nothing else. I thought I was being very careful, no using pix, using pseudonyms, never disclosing my true identity, etc. but, as you know, these days in order to survive professionally, you have to bite the bullet and join some forums and that’s where they got it. Knowing that — and the fact that he is an old dog that can’t be taught new tricks — and knowing what their watering holes are as they describe it all with pride in court papers, I now know where to go to start the misinformation campaign. I started by changing my Linked profile. I also blocked all his numbers (and the court) on my cell phone. Next, I’ll be getting an out-of-state mail forwarding service (it only costs about $10/mo.). I’m looking into changing my name legally and also putting the house in my business name. I ordered a couple of books Ox Drover recommended one on how to erase all trails from the internet. It’s a start. Until now, my problem is that I have responded & fallen into his traps but no more! If this doesn’t work, I’ll figure out how to get the hell out of this country, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I’m exploring.

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend