By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?
So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.
Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.
Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.
I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.
Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.
Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.
Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.
The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.
If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:
Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate
Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.
ALERT!
Tonight at 8 p.m. CST the CASEY ANTHONY TRIAL is going to be on TV with Rob Lowe. Recommended watching.
Also a new moving will be coming up called SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. I don’t know if it will be good or not – could be trashy like the book “the wisdom of psychopaths” – or it might be excellent to further our cause. I DUNNO.
FYI
ATHENA
Donna, that clears up a lot of the deal for me….good! WHO determines what accomodation?
The process itself is built for abuse. In divorce, family court process sets up and facilitates for Parental Alienation over custody over the children. There are even advocacy groups, including the National Organization of Women, and the one which helped to take my daughter from me and give her back to a sociopath, alienator, Justice For Children, Judicial Council For Excellence, Courageous Kids that reject this particular activity by sociopaths. These groups call it a ruse a predator uses to get the kids. Family Court process sets up for the use of such activities partly due to the time it seems to take to complete the process. When a person enters a family court too everyone responsible for effecting justice seems to treat the litigants as though they were simply on a soap opera tv set. All drama; nobody has the ears to hear.
The legal abuse has been torture with the system being used by the spaths to attack me and my daughter. Undoing this twisted mess has been a devastating nightmare. The triggers and depression are beyond belief. Where do I get help? The counselor I saw said it was horrible injustice and couldn’t offer any consolation; had heard of other cases like this. She quit.
I was victimized by rape by fraud for over 3 years. The man was a total sham. I had a child by this marriage and in a dispicable distortion of the judicial process, I was awarded $30 per week for his support, (which my ex rarely paid.)
I struggled for years with Post Traumatic Rape Syndrome. I simply had no sense that a crime had been committed against me because rape-by-fraud is only identified as a crime in 3 states, none of which are mine.
I thank God for people like you and Donna Anderson who have shedded light on the reality of sociopaths and psychopaths in romantic relationships.
I’ve created a blog that’s in its embryonic stage. It’s totally free. My intent is for victims to be able to help end the continuation of predatory rape-by-fraud behavior by unmasking people who misrepresent themselves inorder to seduce. By using Carnal Abusive Deceit, (CAD) they circumvent “knowing” consent. Instead, they perpetrate rape-by-fraud. If anyone has fallen victim to this rarely punished crime, log onto http//CADalert@blogspot.com to register the factual vital statistics of the perpetrator so they will be deterred from misleading again.
Through the healing process I have come to know that justice may not grace those who speak out, but speaking out is a step toward healing regardless of the outcome. It will enable you to empower yourself. Our judicial system does not dispense justice. It simply determines what is proven by the evidence. Just because the evidence is insufficient to ratify what is in your heart, you will know you have done what you could do to expose the perpetrator’s transgression to the light of day.
I have written my story, Carnal Deceit. It is soon to be released. If anyone would like a copy, please contact me at jmincheff@gmail.com.
My sympathies go out to anyone dealing with a P, but especially anyone with young children and custody issues,what a horror that must be.
I would like to offer a specific piece of advice to anyone going through a legal battle with a P. My heart goes out to you, and I fully understand the quest for justice that motivates you. I had read here on love fraud during my trauma, words to the effect”don’t try and fight a P, they will win and you will exhaust yourself” Well I thought I could win anyway. Frankly I had no choice but to try and go after what he had stolen, as I could not find work and had no means of support.
After an intense three year Legal battle, I finally had to walk away. I had managed to prove in court, at times doing self rep that he had taken $$ in the high six figures shortly before our breakup. I was able to seize his computer and passport, and found numerous spread sheets on the hard drive detailing a lavish lifestyle and investments in the millions. I had the copies of the cancelled cheques he had forged in my name, at least 50 of them, for big sums, and the forensic document analysts’ report that in fact they were forgeries by him etc.
What did I win in the end? A piece of paper that instructs any bank anywhere in the world to disclose any accounts he has with them. Writing these banks, it turns out, is not worth the price of the stamp.
So my advice to anyone going through the courts with a P on financial justice, is this. Unless you know where his assets are, specifically, what bank etc, do not waste your energy.
Take a cold hard look at what your chances are of COLLECTING on any judgement you might be awarded. And consider that the whole time in court gives the P more time to play three card Monte.
I rationalized all my reasons for trying to fight, not the least of which was my outrage, my anger as the revelations of his betrayal on every level, and his active deliberate attempts to destroy me emotionally came to light. And I believed the courts would help me, in my case the judges were at times helpful, and I believe understood my plight. But unless you can “show them the money”..they can only award you a judgement. It is a hollow victory.
My P (who it turns out likes men) married a new woman within a year of our split (after 27 years of marriage). He “went back to the church” and now does the churches bookkeeping, (rolling of eyes). Unless he starts driving Ferrari’s again, all I can do is
forget it, and rebuild my life the best I can.
And kudos once again to LF for bringing their readers so much important support and resources.
Peace, A
I could write books (not just one but several) on victimization by the legal system. After 12 years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, I lost my children due to the legal system’s bias and incompetence. The worst part is that he was able to accomplish all the atrocities he did by stealing the family’s finances (including the children’s college funds and our retirement) to pay for lawyers (yes, two different firms at once!) with which to fight me for absolutely nothing as there wasn’t much there to fight for. Today, 16 years later, after having to move out of my home state to leave the nightmare behind, he has found me and we’re still entangled in the legal system. To date, the legal system is still catering to him. I’m now seriously considering moving out of the country. I know I lost my fight on my first hearing, I simply have refused to accepted it. Until now.
The only way to win against a spath is to move the target.
They don’t know what we value so we have to make them think we don’t value money. Join a monastary, a convent or a commune. Make it seem like you’ve given away all your worldly possessions. Make sure you have a look of bliss on your face. It will drive them nuts.
I too, gathered enough ‘evidence’ to have taken my Spath to court, in a battle over the financial ruin and crimes against me. But added to the fact that our legal system would have caused me further emotional duress, by allowing my abuser to get away with it, the added humiliation and possible exposure to more abuse, due to the fact that my ex and I were in a ‘same-sex’ relationship, left me with a feeling that to pursue such a course of action would only cause me further trauma.
My only solice has come through talking with the few friends and people I have met, who have experienced the same situation in their lives.
While it seems the majority of Lovefraud readers are from heterosexual relationships, I would like to point out that these people know no bounds and are rapidly infiltrating and destroying the lives of people in the the gay community as well. They leave victims with even lesser inclination to seek justice, for fear of exposure, further humiliation and the possiblility of being shunned by their families all together. I believe this makes gays and lesbians even greater and possibly easier targets for sociopaths. I should know, I survived two in a row.
Joyce Mincheff:
Thank you so much for this information. I think this is what all the spaths did to all of us…misinterpreted themselves to deceive us. I know mine did. Awful, horrid people who think they are cute and can get away with anything and everything.