By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?
So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.
Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.
Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.
I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.
Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.
Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.
Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.
The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.
If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:
Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate
Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.
It is really twisted and sad that a victim has to claim a disability (mental/psychological illness) that the psychopath caused in order to protect herself from more victimization by the psychopath and the legal system. God help us all.
Concurrent with my romantic involvement with a sociopath, I experienced the stress of a sociopathic manager at one I would discover to be one of the world’s most sociopathic companies.
So I am not merely taken as a “disgruntled” form employee, here is one gem regarding my former employer. Legally, I am not allowed to mention their name, but you can figure out who they are:
“Decades after the war, it was demonstrated the Bank took active roles in trading stolen gold, securities and other assets during World War II. The issue of “unclaimed property” of Holocaust victims became a major issue for them in the mid-1990s and a series of revelations in 1996-97 brought the issue to the forefront of international attention.
The Bank confirmed that a large number of accounts that had gone unclaimed as a result of the bank’s policy of requiring death certificates from family members to claim the contents of the account. Their handling of these revelations were largely criticized and the bank received significant negative attention and came under significant pressure, particularly from American politicians, to compensate Holocaust survivors who were making claims against the bank.
In January 1997, a night watchman at the Bank found employees shredding archives compiled by a subsidiary that had extensive dealings with Nazi Germany. The shredding was in direct violation of a recent Swiss law protecting such material. The Bank acknowledged that it had “made a deplorable mistake”, but an internal historian maintained that the destroyed archives were unrelated to the Holocaust.”
In addition, “the Bank” has been at the forefront of every major banking scandal over the last 50+ years, including most recently:
“On 19 December 2012 the Bank agreed to pay regulators $1.5bn for its role in the Libor scandal over accusations that it tried to rig benchmark interest rates. US Assistant Attorney General Lanny Breuer described the conduct of the Bank as “simply astonishing.”
The bank has stated that these and other fines would probably result in a significant fourth-quarter loss in 2012. The fine levied by the FSA, reduced due to the bank’s cooperation, was the largest in the agency’s history.”
Yet, they hide behind a mask of respectability:
“The Bank is firmly committed to corporate responsibility and actively strives to understand, assess, weigh and address the concerns and expectations of the firm’s stakeholders. This process supports the Bank in its efforts to safeguard and advance the firm’s reputation for responsible corporate conduct. In very direct ways, responsible corporate conduct helps create sustainable value for the company.”
Sustainable Value = profits from money laundering, price fixing and tax evasion.
My legal battle against them was highly stressful, compounded by lawyers who, while recommended by a lawyer friend and well respected, proved more interested in a quick win than the justice I was seeking.
While all this was going on, in April, 2010 open-heart surgery, a direct result of my stress. Thankfully, the surgery went very well.
Unfortunately, I did not fully understand the PTSD that I was suffering from. If left to my Psychiatrist, I would be medicated for Bipolar II. It was here, from OxDrover, that I learned much about PTSD and became convinced that this was my real issue, along with mild Cyclothymia that has a strong environmental/behavioral component.
Finally, late last year, I began to see remission, after rejecting several medications that left me brain dead and unmotivated.
My former spouse actually got BOLDER when he had an attorney because, I believe, the attorney strengthened his mask. He felt he had “protection” now – and guess what? He was right!
My attorney ended up being his attorney’s bitch. He was a monster as our marriage was ending and once the divorce process started, he was a vicious monster. Dirtball!! Scumbag!!
He lied under oath so many times. Even in the presence of a judge he mumbled under his breath, “Nothing going on in our bed.” His efforts to try to hurt me and make me feel badly seem to have no end.
It was on another posting here – that I finally realized there will be no closure. Don’t even look for closure, I have no expectation of it. He doesn’t wear out or wear down. His capacity for fighting is infinite.
When does what goes around comes around kick in? what you give out, you get back? when does karma come to bite you in the arse?
I could hold my breath for a long time, watching to see if he’ll “get his” but it’s just time I don’t get on with my own life.
I have court orders for him to pay me certain amounts of money – and they amount to nothing. I have no faith in wasting any more money on another attorney hoping that SOMEthing will force him to behave in a certain way, perform a certain duty, or action.
Anitasee, I have judgments for him to pay certain monies back and he simply will not. I hold out no hope. He will lie, say that I owe him. It simply is not worth the energy. My energy is best directed toward myself, my needs, ME.
He would be the one saying he needed this service and pretend that I abused him by filing. He would do a spin on this so fast it would make every blogger’s head on this site spin. In two postings he could convince you all that I was a poser on this site and really he is the one who has endured an abusive relationship. I guarantee it. Why do I give him so much credit and strength – because it is true, he gets credit for appearing as a victim and strength – because I somehow let him take it from me.
I have to let go. My “evidence” means nothing to a judge.
Honestkindgiver, court is never about “justice.” Well, in most cases, it isn’t.
Divorce court and “Family Court” is also not about what is “fair,” or reasonable for ex-spouses and children.
What you are experiencing is “victim-blame” and you are NOT obligated to accept it, even if a Court supports it. Courts are not interested in what you’ve experienced, the financial fraud that the spath perpetrated, NOR in seeing that the spath faces consequences for their actions.
Give him credit? REALLY?! I won’t give the exspath credit for doing anything other than breathing without assistance. I’m giving ME credit for putting an end to the illusion and abuse. If the exspath (and, his attorney) want to continue lying and machinating, then GREAT. There’s a price to pay for that.
And, karma will come around. You (and I) may not SEE it or ever know about it, but it’s not our purpose in this lifetime to see that karma comes around and slaps the spath(s) in the face with a rotten salmon. It just isn’t.
I devoted too much time and energy in amassing mountains of documentation, reports, etc., and I’m not spending another moment on explaining why this marriage was false, from the beginning, nor why I am in the physical condition that I am. My energies and time need to be spent on my own recovery, and that means LETTING GO of this whole divorce trial.
I’m not going to be heard. I’m going to be blamed. I’m going to be belittled and humiliated – IF I allow it. But, in the end, the Earth is still going to spin on her axis, the sun is still going to rise in the East, and colonies of ants are still going to build their homes. What happens in my legal situation will have no impact upon the community, the County, the State, the Nation, or the planet, in general. And, I just have to accept it or obsess about it – and, I’m so very, very weary of obsessing.
Take my hand and I’ll take yours – we’ll both walk away from our experiences WISER, stronger, more resourceful, more resilient, and with the strongest of boundaries.
(Snapping fingers)….PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT…..I’ve got a life to rebuild, and I don’t have the time or inclination to entertain stupidity. Neither do you! 😀
Brightest blessings
Finally! There are people who know how it feels! I can’t find the words to describe the shame and humiliation I have felt. still feel to an extent, for bringing a spath into not just my life but my family’s as well. It is a horrendous feeling to go from the light as air, honeymoon feelings to discovering it as all been a huge lye. I’ve mourned the love I thought I had, the relationship I so desperately craved. I’ve regretted every time I believed he was honest and true. I felt like a toltal moron for believing him in the first place. Then to rub salt in the wounds, family and friends continually remind me that they knew something was wrong from the start. I am sure they are trying to comfort me but it works much more the opposite. Then yes, the legal system. How does and honest person fight a lyer? Someone who is good at it and has no remorse about saying and doing what they need to get what they want. Even my lawyer thought I was over reacting. She advised me he was just hurt by my asking him to leave and I should let him get “his” things and he would go away. He never stopped wanting more and kept coming back. I haven’t heard from his lawyer now for about a month, but I look every day expecting something. I want to clean every reminder of him from my computer and my life but I don’t dare for fear he will come at me again and I will need to prove over and over that I am the victim. I wish there were some way to legally bring it to an end, find the closer I need. He still holds the upper hand and its oh so frustrating!!
Bernice:
You said something that really jumped out at me…”How does an honest person fight a liar?” So true. We can’t. Like you said, “Someone who is good at it and has no remorse about saying and doing what they need to get what they want.” I have said that exact thing so many times. They do this all the time. And most of the time, it is so subtle, people don’t even realize WHAT they are doing…the damage they are causing. It is awful. HUGS to you.
Dear Bernice,
First of all, it is not your fault, you were scammed.
As for your relatives, or others when they say thhis sort of thing, say something back to them (Nicely)
“You know, JoAnn, even though I know your intentions are good, when you go on and on about how you knew that John was a _____(fill in the word) all it does is to make me feel worse, not better, because he had me fooled and blinded by love, and I couldn’t see that bad part of him for so long, so I would appreciate it if you would just not talk about John any more.”
Practice saying this in front of the mirror until you can say it by rote….and when you come to the situation where someone is trying to be “helpful” you can just RECITE this little verse and maybe put a stop to the continual “helpful” comments.
Keep on reading here as well, there is a WEALTH of information ere that will help you recover.
Dear Bernice,
Let go of the shame and humiliation. Victims of psychopaths are often chosen for their over abundance of good qualities like trust, honesty, integrity, financial or career successs, intelligence, etc. Then the psychopath twists those good traits to use against us.
Some people can spot them from the start or have learned from experience. I would take their confimation as agreeing with where you are now as opposed to condemning you for getting involved.
What I cannot stand is the constant remarks of how everyone else thought we had the perfect marriage or how he isn’t that bad. They do not know how bad it was.
I cherish the ones who say they know even if they knew from the start when I did not.
The more you read here, the more you will understand how special you are.
Dear Bernice,
I understand how you feel;about the shame and humiliation of having introduced the spath into the lives of your family and friends.I’ve had the same feelings.I’ve felt the same way about raising 3 children in the situation.We just have to LET IT GO.We would never have purposely hurt anyone!It has helped me greatly to know that it is because of our GOOD qualities that we became the spath’s targets in the first place.
I’ve also had people tell me they knew from the beginning “something was wrong”.My dad even warned me a week before the wedding not to marry the spath!Father knows best,hmmm?!But when you think you’re in love and you’re trying to make your dreams come true,your vision and mind are fuzzy.You’re NOT AT FAULT FOR WHAT HAPPENED-YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR IT!
Truthspeak,
Your response is beautiful. Thank you for reminding me to walk away. The rotten salmon reference made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.
I know that the “credit” I give him is for perfecting the pity ploy. Poor me….. He told our 8 year old nephew, “She says I can’t live with her anymore.” Preying on a young child, like poor me. Despicable!!
Yes, I do obsess and still have moments of anger. How DARE he have gotten away with all of this. AND worse, How did I ever allow it. I didn’t know how to get out- I was never heard- I was never gonna genuinely be heard – and once I FINALLY came to that realization – Divorce was the only answer. A painful process in itself, but joyful too that now I know this:
I am good enough
I am enough.
Truthspeak, I really like so many of your blogs!
Thank you times 3