By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?
So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.
Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.
Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.
I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.
Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.
Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.
Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.
The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.
If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:
Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate
Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.
Bernice,
I also thought the same- that my marriage was a sham and the whole relationship was a lie. People tell me, oh no, he loved you, he just couldn’t always show, or People make mistakes, or people change, blah blah blabbity blah.
They really don’t get the depth of lies and betrayal – and frankly I find myself embarrassed to tell many stories, because then, they think , um wait,, YOU put up with that shit?
It was all a lie. A terrible lie that I believed. However I can heal and I continue to heal.
I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my family (intact) and he knew it, so there were no boundary lines for him. I am sure in his twisted mind he figured I was desperate enough to always put up. He even told me one time that his brother and sister in law “Have an understanding.” I guess he was trying to tell me that his brother is also a spath, narcissistic cheater and his wife just turns a blind eye to keep up the front or keep her lifestyle. Whatever, not me.
Bernice – I mourned and grieved too. But I celebrate who I am, how I behaved and conducted myself. It was a decent counselor who told me that when I too felt so stupid and didn’t listen to my gut that something was off.
My former spath cleaned a bunch of evidence off our computer on his way out the door. It is difficult to fight a liar and most attorneys are happy to take your money if they see that you have any significant assets. In fact, encourage the fighting to charge and bill for the time.
I too figure he can rear his ugly head up again any time and just try to be on my toes.
The other day he thought I was gone (I was) as he came to pick up the kids. He was in MY house. I got home as this was occurring. I said, “What are you doing in here?” He said “Oh, just helping the kids.” He went out, but in retrospect, I wish I had video taped him inside, and called the police, because unless authorities get involved he takes nothing serious. And when authorities do get involved he wants revenge.
Quantum Solace, are you asking for yourself, or for someone that you know?
The best resource to start with would be http://www.ndvh.org Going “underground” requires a series of events and proactive steps…NONE of which I know of.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak: I’m asking for myself. This is my last resource. Thank you for the link I’ll look into it. I appreciate your help.
Quantum solace, for safety’s sake please remove your e mail address up above.
There are several books on the internet for sale on HOW TO DISAPPEAR SAFELY.,..iif you have kids and the abuser has parental “rights” you may be guilty of kidnapping and the FBI becomes involved so there are lots of ways you can get into trouble.
I did an article on keeping safe from stalkers (about various books I hhave read on it as I had to go into hiding for a while from my son’s ex convict friend he sent to kill me.
I bought a recreational vehicle and got a post office box as my address (for driver’s licenses you must have a physical address so use a friend) and the PO box is your address for bills or insurance (like car insurance) and for a fee the US post office will forward your mail to anywhere so you don’t even have to go get your mail.
Since cell phones have GPS trackers in them, one gal I know rented a PO box, turned the phone OFF and put it in the box, but had all calls to that number FORWARDED to another cell phone. As long as you pay the bill on phone #1, it can lie there forever and forward calls to a “throw away” phone that your stalker can’t trace.
Living in a recreational vehicle (mine is a trailer) is a good way to actually LIVE in place A while having your residence in place B and be quite mobile. As long as you do not have utilities hooked up in YOUR name there is no way someone can trace you. Problem is, if you have to work or have kids that need schooling. I was retired so that wasn’t a problem for me.
California is a state that will help a stalking victim change SS# and name, so read the article I wrote here and then start reading the books.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/07/16/helpful-books-for-people-being-stalked/
Ox Drover: that is a temporary e-mail address, it will be closed after a couple of days. Anyway, the damage has already been as the guy has tracked me down, knows where I live, work, friends, has all of my phone numbers, professional/media accounts and has even obtained my medical records directly from my doctor. There’s nothing to hide: he has it all! Today alone, I received 5 phone calls from the court on his behalf. As part of putting my life together after the divorce, something stupid I thought I could do, I bought a home which it’s almost paid for. I don’t have to tell you that with the present economic circumstances, walking away from it will be the only choice. My kids are grown and they both hate me, in fact, right now my own daughter is suing me in court prompted by the psychopath. I know now that it won’t end so I have to do whatever it takes even if that means ending my own life.
Quantum,
Hang on and hang in there. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sure people here will rally round with advice for you on how to move forward. Your life is precious. Please believe that. Sending you the most sincere blessings.
SW
Quantum,
You are approaching this emotionally, that’s obvious to the reference to ending your own life.
That’s a mistake because spaths feed on that. I’m not blaming you for being emotional, it’s human and normal, but you HAVE to slow down, take a deep breath… now… do you have faith in God? If so, then please, before you do anything, place your trust in Him. If you don’t, then think about the universe and how you came to be here. It got you this far and you are still alive, with a home that’s almost paid for!! Count your blessings because that’s where you start to plan your next step.
Your blessings are your resources. You have a job, a home, a doctor. Use them to your advantage.
I have no god, no job, no good home (although I do have all the bills and responsibilities that go with it) and no doctor. I also have no family — except for my two biological children, one who is suing me and the other who willfully or not will probably be the one to end my life, and I have no friends or anyone I can even talk to. All in all, I have nothing to fight for and even less to live for. In fact, if it weren’t for my continued running, hiding and hurting, I’d have nothing. But thanks for your good thoughts and kind words, they’re much appreciated.
Quantum,
you said he knows where you work. That’s a job. The home you almost paid for, it’s a house.
He has frightened you and you are reacting in fear. THAT was his intent. If for no other reason, REFUSE. Refuse to do what he wants. The evil ones have NO POWER, unless we give it to them. They make themselves seem so powerful but they depend upon your beliefs for that power.
Quantum Solace,
I remember you, recalling past posts from you. Please don’t harm yourself. Like you, I don’t find life, living an easy thing (most of the time). The spath that I was married to is a pain in the _ss. When I was discovering that my ex was a spath, experiencing one nightmare after the next, I said to myself, “I’m not going down without a fight.” These people (as you know) create chaos, disorder, unending headaches. We can be your support system, your friends. You will prevail. Take it one step at a time, “one moment at a time” (I received this advice from a school principal, when my ex-spath went on the run from the law, and I was a royal mess). Take care of yourself, period. I’m rooting for you, praying for you. Peace.