By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?
So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.
Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.
Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.
I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.
Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.
Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.
Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.
The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.
If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:
Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate
Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.
skylar: I’ve been unemployed for 2 years, I attempted my hand at a small home business which I set up with phone, etc. that’s what he found out (btw, that was a scam and I was swindled out of my retirement). I have refused, REFUSED to do what he wanted for 16 years. I can’t refuse anymore. It’s stronger than me, I guess I’m not an oak after all. He has all the power and has had it all along. The day I have the sheriff knocking at my door with an arrest warrant, it will be proven so.
Bluejay: I guess you guys don’t realize that I was married to that monster for 12 years during which I endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse. He was able to take my children away from me simply because he had control of the finances and stole all the family money (including the children’s college funds) to finance lawyers (as many as two at a time) to cheat me out of what was rightfully mine. I finally divorced him and thought it was almost or at least almost over. Little did I suspect! Since 1997, we have been in court more than 100 times. I have moved to 3 different states and, somehow, he always manages to find me. It’s been 16 years now and he’s only getting warmed up. My children, already 20 and 22, are being used by him as tools of torture. My own daughter is vicious and makes him proud. Today, I received 5 phone calls from the courthouse where I was supposed to be (I didn’t know his because I have been sending his letters back which I receive to the tune of 3 a week). How can anyone be expected to find peace or any resemblance of a life like that? If anyone can, kudos to them, I guess I’m not that strong. It’s been a combined 27 or so years now and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I jump and scream at the slightest noise, I’m terrified of my own shadow, I shake like a leave, I have nightmares (when I can sleep) and wake up jumping in bed and screaming off the top of my lungs. I can’t remember anything, I can’t concentrate. I don’t get along with anyone. I hear whistling in my ears all the time and I’m so dizzy and with such poor balance it looks like I’m drunk all the time. He won this one a long time ago and before I even noticed.
Quantum, breathe, slowly and deeply, in slowly through your mouth, to the count of ten, then exhale to the count of five. Repeat, at least ten times. Hold something soft to the touch , hug it close to you, a teddy or a sweater. You are afraid and we know what that is like here. Please talk to us here. Please, as one human being to another, I ask you not to harm yourself. Please let us try and help and if your suicidal feelings become unmanageable I beg you to contact the emergency services, or the hotlines in your area. Hang on. Peace and love to you x
Quantum Solace,
You sound worn out by the constant harrassment. That is understandable. I like Tea Light’s suggestions. You have to take care of yourself, being easy with yourself. Refuse to think, worry about anything. The _ell with the latest crappola that the spath and his minions are throwing your way. In my opinion, you need a BREATHER, a break from the latest upset. Get help if you need it. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time.
I have contacted the following:
Dr. Huffer
The National Center for Domestic Violence
Protective Mothers Alliance
Partnership Against Domestic Violence
Battered Women’s Justice Project
NOBODY CAN HELP! Yet, the court is calling me on his behalf and catering to his every whim. What a country, eh? Here’s the kicker, I came to the US from a sh*thole third world country thinking that I would find justice and all that crap. If I had stayed in my third world country he couldn’t touch me and I would have had my kids yet here, the entire system is at his beckoning call and I’m screwed. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic and tragic.
Quantum, which is your country of origin? Do you have relatives or connections there ?
Tea Light: I’m a political refugee. I can’t go back if that were an option, I would have gone back over 20 years ago. I’ve been here for over 3 decades & those I left behind have all died. All my doors have closed.
Quantum Solace,
I hear your pain, your frustration and your justified anger. I also heard your feeling hopelessness and helplessness….and your mentiion of ending your life. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER THAT OPTION.
If at all possible, see about renting or leasing your house through an agency to at least make the payment, and possibly moving to another state or area. Small RVs are cheap now and are definitely a way to stay on the move fairly easily and LIVE CHEAPLY. Wal Mart even allows people to park in their lots over night for free, and if you move from one to the next each day in a town with several you could park free of charge. Many RVs are self contained for electricity and butane for cooking or there are state parks that charge very little for parking with plug in facilities. It is a thought.
If you have a religious preference contact a church for help.
What is he suing you for?
How old are you? Do you have job skills?
Without children you can move to another state and legally change your name. I am assuming you are a US citizen at this point.
There are many options, right now you just haven’t found them but there are a great many smart folks here who have been in your very shoes….I’m one of them. I fortunately was able to return home but I still have to fight my psychopathic son’s parole every so often. Even from prison he tried to have me killed.
Please do not GIVE UP, that’s just not an option. (((hugs))) and my prayers.
Buying a house was, to me, a way of anchoring myself and normalizing and stabilizing my life. That, like everything else that I have tried to do to improve myself, has backfired because now I’m tied to it and can’t get away unless I give up and all the money I have invested. I put myself thru college after the divorce so now I have two college degrees and 30 years of experience in my field of work. That being the problem now that I’m “overqualified” (read as too old) and the only jobs I can find after I was let go from my other job 2 years ago (after being there for almost a decade) are part-time jobs that don’t even pay enough to buy gas and groceries. I’m in my mid 50s and feeling my age, with back problems and a basket case as a result of decades of abuse (my mother too abused me something awful when I was a child hence the reason why I married “her”). I’m tired of running, hiding and being afraid when I haven’t done anything wrong.
I’m considering legally changing my name. In the state where I now live it’s very easy and fairly cheap to do. I can get it done in a couple of months. If I’m careful not to post pix on the internet (something I don’t normally do), they won’t be able to make the connection. The first time they found me through my Resume which I had posted on a website. They went as far as detailing all the efforts they took to find me in court papers. It’s was unconscionable. For the past week, I’ve been receiving notices from Facebook and Linked (accounts I had for professional reasons) telling me that both he and the wife have been viewing my profile. I had to cancel both accounts. Next thing I knew, they were calling my home number. Today, I received 5 calls from the court because I was supposed to be there (although I live 500 miles away). I received 3 letters from him over the past couple of weeks and sent them all back.
This is what I have done so far:
1. I have contacted a domestic violence advocate who specializes on getting new identities. I’m waiting for her to call me back and see what she says.
2. I blocked all of his numbers, the court number and those to a former friend that I know he will communicate with when he thinks that I’ve moved. She is no longer my friend and, based on what she did to me to terminate the friendship, I know that will sell me down the river to him.
3. I’ve done some research and can get a mail forwarding service on the West Coast. They will receive all my mail, open and scan it for me and make it available on a secured website so I can view it. That way, I can give the appearance of having moved. I can transfer all my bills to electronic format.
4. I ordered from Amazon the 2 books you recommended to see how I can transfer the deed to my house maybe to the company I set up for the home business that turned out to be a scam. I still have that entity, may as well use it.
I have thought about renting the house and moving. Right now, I’m negotiating a work opportunity that, if it comes thru could be very good for me, providing me with a good livelihood, my own business and security. I simply can’t up and run and leave all that behind because of that psycho.
As to the reason why he’s suing me is an ongoing saga. First, he milked our divorce agreement and went down the line suing me on each and every single one (even though he was the one who was in violation). Along the way, there were other orders that were issued (although he was in violation of those), he always managed to get me on something which would result on another order and so on and so forth. This is one of those stupid things where he is the one in violation yet he’s dragging my ass. He wants me to pay my daughter’s college tuition although he makes over $100k a year and she has stated in court papers that she hates my guts, wants nothing to do with me except for my money (or rather the money I don’t have). In the state of NJ, parents are legally responsible for their kids maintenance and college education until the age of 24. In the past, I used to keep him somewhat in check because he would hire a lawyer and I’d make sure and create so much work that by the time it was said and done, his bill was $10 or $20k. When he got married, the wife (herself a litigious, vicious bitch) taught him how to pull the pro se kits from the courthouse website and do it all for 30 bucks. Since then, he’s been suing me on a quarterly basis. It is so bad that, sometimes, he shows up in court with “evidence” that he has stolen. For example, in order to prove that I had lied about medical bills for my son (for which he owed me money), he went to my doctor and was able to obtain my and my son’s medical records. He should up with those in court. HIPPA be dammed. The judge did absolutely nothing to him.
It doesn’t end. And I know that this is going to sound strange to you but I wish this one would have tried to kill me that way, I could have had him locked away. But he’s the biggest coward you’ve ever seen, he’ll beat me, he’ll steal from me and my children, he’ll follow me, stalk me, hack into my accounts, mess my life but he will never do anything that requires ballz and will land him in jail.
Quantum,
I know this is totally unfair but people who have not encountered spaths, don’t get it when they see us acting crazy and afraid. They tend to just dismiss us. On the other hand, when we act calm and in control, they are much more likely to offer help. That’s what I’ve noticed. It’s insane and it makes no sense, but that’s the way it is.
In my case, I noticed that even people who HAVE encountered spaths, have never encountered one like mine and they STILL don’t get it. They think calling the police is the answer. HA! He has the police in his pocket. The only thing that worked somewhat, was calling the FBI!
Anyway, sorry for the rant, this injustice really gets to me.
So try to be calm and informative when you discuss these matters with people who might help you.
It sounds like selective gray rock might work for you. With selective gray rock, you show them a fake vulnerability. Very carefully make them believe that you are afraid that they will find out that xxxxx. Of course there is no xxxxx, but you will leave a trail that makes them think there is. Then wait for them to pounce and make themselves look foolish, crazy, or whatever you need.
Skylar: Thank you for your kind words. I have come to the same conclusion that you have and have seen the difference being calm and in control makes, particularly, with the spath who expects you to be emotional and falling apart. Having said that, I know what his and his new psycho-bitch wife MO is. She’s all about the internet. My son has told me stories or her and her daughter sitting side by side at their computers for entire weekends looking for me. I just didn’t lose a psycho spouse, I gained two! My kind of luck. Anyway, all the information they have they’ve been able to get thru the internet, they have nothing else. I thought I was being very careful, no using pix, using pseudonyms, never disclosing my true identity, etc. but, as you know, these days in order to survive professionally, you have to bite the bullet and join some forums and that’s where they got it. Knowing that — and the fact that he is an old dog that can’t be taught new tricks — and knowing what their watering holes are as they describe it all with pride in court papers, I now know where to go to start the misinformation campaign. I started by changing my Linked profile. I also blocked all his numbers (and the court) on my cell phone. Next, I’ll be getting an out-of-state mail forwarding service (it only costs about $10/mo.). I’m looking into changing my name legally and also putting the house in my business name. I ordered a couple of books Ox Drover recommended one on how to erase all trails from the internet. It’s a start. Until now, my problem is that I have responded & fallen into his traps but no more! If this doesn’t work, I’ll figure out how to get the hell out of this country, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I’m exploring.