By Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Jan and I sat in our first of what was to be many sessions dealing with her victimization from love fraud, followed by a twisted legal path in her pursuit of justice. She sobbed, holding crumpled papers in her hands revealing stabbing deceit. Her husband had blown the money she provided to pay bills and now her credit was damaged, bills were not paid, and the money was gone. She now suffers in isolation. Her friends are weary of the story, and she is tired of “I told you so” and “I thought something was wrong with him.” Shame digs deep into her heart and soul. How could she have been such a fool and now be so hurt and helpless?
So familiar to me as a therapist is the undeserved shame internalized by mostly women, but some men, when they have been led into the beautiful world of romantic love. It is intimacy with a most charming, intelligent, person, connecting in that special way. The birds sing, the bells ring, and the future brightens. The hunger in all of us that songs sing about, poems are written about, is finally promised to be fulfilled.
Jan tried to deny her internal alarms, but could not placate her fear when signs of deceit began to underpin destruction of every shred of financial security, faith, a loving relationship, and hope. She was dumbstruck. Unwelcome truth rolled in on her revealing serious crimes committed, but they all were clouded in the legal quagmire of marriage or romance. Somehow romance blunts law enforcement and society’s response to criminal acts.
Once theft, fraud, lies, and a string of abuses were revealed, Jan was confident that the next step was to turn to the judicial system for relief. Having been an independent career woman, she was wounded, but strong with moral clarity at hand. She got a lawyer, reported the crimes, and began divorce proceedings. She firmly believed that criminal and civil courts exist to restore victims of crime and help to fairly disengage marriages that have gone wrong and punish the criminal. That was her frame of mind as she paid a retainer to a lawyer from meager funds. It would seem like the story would end soon after initiating legal action, with the con artist being held accountable and the traumatized victim feeling some sense of justice. My experience and intuition guides me toward a more skeptical view. I always hope for justice but learned long ago to shore up the clients with counseling to head off disappointments.
I immediately know that, regardless of her legal success or failure, Jan will be grieving losses while working on layers of healing from traumatic stress. My fears are realized as Jan embarks on her journey toward justice. Over time, Jan is devastated in every way imaginable. The sociopath lies and dominates the very institution, the judicial system, that exists to help victims like her. She is being twisted into an emotional pretzel with all sense of right, wrong, and civility thrown to the wind. She went from anger, to indignance to outrage to appealing to Congressmen and regulatory agencies. All advised they could not help her and to pursue her case. If she got a small win, the sociopath would beg for her forgiveness and to resume the relationship sometimes softening and weakening her resolve to win. Then she would be more angry at herself.
Finally, she reached a point beyond rage. It is a state of implosion, usually Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from protracted, consumptive, and cruel legal action. This type of PTSD is called Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), and is not a mental illness but an injury. This wound resulting from the lies, losses, and physiological injuries that are part of one human purposefully devastating another, followed by failure of the judicial system to timely, efficiently, and correctly administer justice. The court wound up being one more expensive burden that Jan supports financially, while the sociopath charms and pays a prestigious legal team with money stolen from her. He actually gains sympathy in the court sociopaths are masters at doing just that.
Before she suffers further, I know I have to suggest using protection from the Americans with Disabilities Act Amendments Act (ADAAA). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Legal Abuse Syndrome may be the only disability, or it may exacerbate other conditions. They all qualify for protection under this new law.
Under the ADAAA, Jan never has to be alone in court and is not to be demeaned in any way. Even though the injury is psychic and not visible, it is an injury covered by this law, just as if she needed a wheelchair.
The ADAAA’s intent is to ensure equal and fair access to legal proceedings in the face of the cruel treatment under the guise of “zealous representation” by the opposition and their legal teams. Jan’s dignity, respect, fair and equal treatment becomes my main goal as I help intervene in her court case. This is an outrage that needs to be exposed to the court in the perpetrator/victim context. It allows the victim to have special alterations to usual proceedings, ensuring equal footing with the sociopath.
If you need assistance contact these Legal Abuse Advocates in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide:
Dr. Karin Huffer, Marriage and Family Therapist
Bill Ronan, Psychotherapist and Certified ADA Advocate
Dr. Karin Huffer will offer a Certified Forensic Disability Specialist webinar beginning February 5, 2013. For information visit www.equalaccessadvocates.com.
QuantumSolace, I am SO horribly sorry to read of your angst.
You’ve taken some strong steps and it’s amazing what we can accomplish when we’re focused!!! ONE word of caution about ANY internet scanning and forwarding: anything that has EVER been on the internet is still out there, whether we’ve deleted it from a forum post, or profile. Snail-mail forwarding to a PO box in the next County might be safer, for now.
I wonder if there could be Federal protection….just wondering. I don’t know because I never had to go underground, myself. But, this man sounds isn’t going to give up until he kicks the proverbial bucket OR his litigious wife and he lock horns and his focus is directed elsewhere.
Changing your entire identity is possible – you can contact the Social Security Administration and request that your SSN be changed and give evidence of why this request should be granted.
Have you had strong, consistent legal representation throughout this mess? If not, your local domestic violence hotline can put you in touch with legal advocates who are proficient in dealing with legal abuse – most of them work pro bono or at greatly reduced rates.
Honestly, Quantum, I really feel for you and this situation. And, I hope that you come back to LoveFraud more often.
Brightest and most supportive blessings
Truthspeak: the problem is that, until now, I really haven’t taken any real steps. I simply laid low in hopes that he would eventually forget but no such luck. The wife is more vindictive and sociopathic than he is and she’s the driving force behind all this. I have no hope in the federal authorities doing anything. Changing my SS is a long shot and a drastic measure since, as it was explained to me, it will wipe out my entire history (work, education, credit record, SS). If it comes to that, I think its better to head South of the border.
I’ve always been anonymous on the internet until I was forced to join social media for business/professional reasons. It’s those sources that he and his psycho wife are tapping from including websites where I have posted my Resume for purposes of finding a job. Consider how sick that is!
As for the legal representation, yeah, that has been me. Every lawyer I’ve had has been more crooked than the one before. They have stolen thousandths of dollars I didn’t have and it was lawyers that created this mess so I don’t trust any nor do I have the money to throw down the toilet with them. Whatever gets done is because I do it. So no hope there.
The local domestic violence group is worthless. The most the offered me was to take me into their shelter. This man is 500 miles away from me, he doesn’t pose an imminent physical danger, he’s simply an ongoing psychological and emotional hazard. And nobody cares about that. Psychological warfare is this monster’s game.
Thanks for your kind and supportive words.
QuantumSolace, oh, my…..I identify with the psychological warfare and I am SO sorry that you’re experiencing this.
Yes, legitimate information on the internet was used as “evidence” against me, as well. More on that at a later date.
Since I don’t have any experience with this, I can’t be of much help. Perhaps, others who have undertaken drastic steps can give you much better help. I sure hope so.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Quantum solace,
Well, it is some comfort to know you are not in physical danger at least, which does give you more options.
I know you are somewhat tied with your house, but it IS POSSIBLE to sell Real estate now and maybe you could sell it and become more mobile. A moving target is harder to hit so you might be able to escape him by moving out of state or maybe to Canada. Mexico is pretty much in chaos right now if you meant “south of the border” as Mexico.
Check into forming an LLC (*look that up) and titling your car, your home, utilities etc in that which might give him the idea that you had sold out and moved. It is easier to form an LLC than a corporation and the records of the “owner” are not public info.
You could use a PO box for the bills to come to as well….and even a po box in another city and get the mail forwarded to you snail mail. There are several options, and the cell phone in a mail box is another option as well. LOL I thought that was a great one and is being used by a girl who is being stalked that I know.
Good luck.
Quantum, you’ve lived through hell and you’re still fighting. Good for you. Use your anger, let it fuel you so you can get where you want to be, another country if that’s your mission. Do not give up. Let everyone know how your plans are progressing. Much peace and love to you x
Ox: I already have an LLC for the business venture which turned out to be a scam. Of course he knows the name since it was associated to my Linked profile so I’m going to have to change that too. The problem with the home is that I put everything I had into it and may not even be able to sell it for what I sill owe on the mortgage. My payments right now are less than what I would pay for an apartment. It hurts to lose everything you’ve worked your whole life for which is why I’m so hesitant to make a drastic move. It’s so grossly unfair! When I said “South of the border” I really meant Central/South America, I know Mexico is not safe and wouldn’t go there. I’ve found a mail forwarding place in NV that seems to be great for only $10/month, then I’ll have to get a PO Box somewhere locally to have my mail re-rerouted back to where I can pick it up.
Tea Light: I’m tired. I’ve had to do this so many times in my life that I no longer have the energy. If I seem like I’m fighting that’s only an illusion and doing it only out of reflex. There are days when I can’t even get out of bed. I’m completely drained, physically, emotionally and psychologically. I’m so empty and cold inside, I’m not even capable of feelings anymore. What y’all see here is only the tip of the iceberg, my whole life has been like this and it comes a point where you simply give up. And this is pretty much the breaking point for me.
quantum
there is a service available that gets your mail and scans it for you so you can look at it online.
This is the cheapest i’ve found,
http://www.sbimailservice.com/index.html
starts at $12/month for people traveling in an RV.
and adds $8 for the scanning service.
Here’s a few more:
http://www.virtualpostmail.com/pricing/shipping
https://www.earthclassmail.com/Service-Selection
http://travelingmailbox.com/pricing
Thank you Skylar, that’s exactly what I’ve looking at. This is the one I found http://www.maillinkplus.com/mail_online.php with a basic fee of $10/mo. I’m going to look into the ones you posted to compare them.
Quantum,
I hear you when you say your tired. But I also hear hope in your posts.
It’s your choice, but you do have hope.
Like others have suggested, stay off the internet Social Media sites.
No posts or pictures. You can set up a ‘dummy’ account with only a cartoon picture of something that may elude to ‘who’ you may be……..with a false location. The rest private. Leave it at that.
LinkedIN is a cespool of information.
Only provide DIS-Information.
I don’t know your whole situation and I had a hard time putting it together from your above posts…..but you are going to have to find your ADAMANT in order to move on.
It’s up to you to say internally….enough is enough!
We must claim survivor status in order to move towards it.
Claim it…..you CAN do it!!!
XXOO
EB
I have always exercised the utmost care on the internet. I’ve never had anything public and never use my real name or pix. As I said, trying to get a business started forced me to change that and I had to bite the bullet and go with a Facebook & Linked profile (with minimal info), I was also listed a member in professional websites. Making the connection was easy even for a dumbass like him and with such limited information. Since the business venture didn’t work out anyway, I have turned those profiles around and used them for misinformation purposes. I have left a pix of me but that’s a decoy so they can see it’s me and feast on the false trails I’ve left. As time goes, I may change those around with more false information and eventually delete them altogether. Trust me when I tell you there is no hope. Each year of my life (since the day I was born) has enough tragedy in it to fill a book. And I’m tired, tired of it all. Tired of running, tired of hiding, tired of being helpless and feeling impotent, tired of being used, abused and victimized. BTW, I was here in relative anonimity and peace until I decided to rescue my son who was into all kinds of trouble. By doing that, I brought the wrath of not only the spath and his psycho wife but also my son who has single-handedly destroyed whatever little peace and stability I had. I know that whatever move I make entails getting away from him as well. For as long as I’m within his reach, there is no hope. My problem is that I haven’t yet made the hard decision to leave it all behind (something I’ve done more times than I care to count) and go. I’m also not as young as I used to be and everything is becoming increasingly difficult. Whatever I do, I have to do (and have done) alone as there is no one. That in a way makes things easier.