Perhaps, deep in our hearts, we always believed in “love at first sight.” Then we met that person who seemed to be everything we ever wanted, and who felt the same way about us. It’s destiny! We’re soul mates!
If this is what you’re hearing, you may need to watch the newest Lovefraud video.
Miranda – Listen to your intuition. If your intuition is telling you that there is a problem, pay attention.
In any event, go slow. If the person pressures you to move more quickly, I’d say it’s a warning sign.
Miranda, for what it’s worth, I “met” my second exspath online on a chat forum about an artistic interest that we had. We did not “meet,” in person, for just about a year. I believed that we were “friends,” first, and that we came to love one another, over time. During the time when he declared that he loved me, I was in the process of leaving my first abusive marriage.
Without going into long, drawn-out details, suffice it to say that I ended up marrying this person and I was set up for a long con.
What we “want to believe” may be quite different than what “is.” I would be wary of any online relationship, today. I would run the other way if someone began declaring that they loved me after an in-person meeting only four months ago.
You see, “Online Life” is a completely different scenario. People can invent, concoct, construct, and abracadabra ANY illusion that they think will fit their needs. The exspath was aware that I was exiting an abusive marriage, that I was concerned for my children, and that I was very, very vulnerable. Because I had not fixed what was wrong with me beforehand, I wound up making the worst mistake of my life by marrying this man.
I can’t tell you what you should do, Miranda. I can only tell you that 4 months is a very, very short time to “know” someone, especially in a long-distance situation. I’d run a background check – criminal AND civil – if I were that interested in pursuing a relationship. But, that’s me. Only you know what’s best for you.
Brightest blessings
Miranda,
you will know by the red flags.
If he is one, he will tell you his hard luck stories.
You will hear how the world is unfair.
And you will hear how superior he is to other people.
Then there are the requests to make exceptions for him.
Listen to your feelings. Do you feel the need to rescue him?
Do you feel a lot of emotional ups and downs around him? Lots of excitement? What does he say about his ex? Was she crazy?
Keep your boundaries on your emotions. They aren’t there for others to suck on with their drama. Watch for drama.
This is a great opportunity to practice watching YOURSELF and your reactions to him. That’s where you’ll find the answer to your question.
Miranda,
Just watch the red flags and listen to your gut (not the flutters, but beyond that).
Can genuine people fall in love quickly and think they’re with the one? Yes. I know I can bond strongly and quickly given the circumstances, and with one man I felt I loved him after a month without him lovebombing me and I never stopped loving him. However, most of that rapid falling in love and even love feelings rarely has much groundedness… There are a lot of feelings without much experience with the other person to actually materialize a healthy relatioinship. If he is a genuine person then he’s more in love with the image he has of you, than the real you, and that is not really fair to you, because as soon as you act differently than he imagines you to be it soon ends up being a mess. That’s what basically happened with me and that man. I became incredibly insecure when he wasn’t acting as swept away as I was, and he became terribly frightened of these too early huge emotions of mine. And we ended up hurting each other in our own way because of it. Reality was just too limited in space to fill it up with all that overflowing emotion of mine.
So for yourself take it really slow!
I wish that I had access to all this information 21 years ago when I first encountered the man that claimed we were soulmates and professed his eternal love. He walked out 18 months later when it looked like my money was all gone. Big surprise there. What in the world was I thinking when 11 years later I let him back in to my life. I asked that he get himself healthy and whole before I would consider a relationship with him again. Of course he lied, about everything. Then, 4 and 1/2 years after we married, he walked again. The only differences were: the abuse was worse, more lies, and this time my money was really gone. Not only that but now I am very ill, and no longer able to work. I still care for my 38 year old son who is autistic. He knew I was having major health problems when he asked me for a second chance. Aw yes, “we were still soulmates and if I was becoming ill he would rather be no other place than with me, taking care of me.” I truely believe that if another man claims that he and I are soulmates, I will vomit on his shoes.
This was a great video Donna! I second the comments on wishing they were longer and more in depth. When I first left my sociopath ex, I remember devouring any information I could find on the internet because I just needed to know what had happened to me. I also second some of the above concerns about running into another one. I was a great target for my ex because I had been hurt so bad from past relationships and I wore my heart on my sleeve. This was so easy for him because all he needed to do was say that he was interested in the same things and make me feel special. Now, after all that I have been through, I am likely more obviously hurt. Its so hard to even date because I am afraid to tell people what I hope for and I certainly don’t even know how to begin to talk about what I am going through with my ex. It’s not like I can say, “Hello – my name is [Cappuccino Queen]. My child’s father is actively trying to kill me. I hope this doesn’t scare you.” LOL
capqueen,
lol! that’s what I did and still do.
honestly, that’s how I first began to learn about spaths. I met a guy in a sushi bar and spilled my story to him within the first 5 minutes. Turned out, he knew all about them and gave me some valuable advice.
I followed that with much reading, study and observation. I still talk to strangers all the time about it. It usually turns out that either they learn something or I do.
You’d be surprised to find out that some of the people who know about spaths, are spaths themselves – or N’s or other cluster b’s. Yep, Some are hiding under the mask of the victim. Some are hiding under the mask of therapists.
It doesn’t matter. They have information and I can use it. They don’t usually try to mislead on the information, (mostly), instead they will try to show that they are empathic, but the mask usually slips.
In the end, it’s not about them, it’s about us and our boundaries. As long as we learn how to have and maintain boundaries, we don’t have to worry about them –too much.
Dear all, I was so utterly blown away by the incredible declarations of love…after ONE date. I couldn’t take it in….asked him on return from working off shore..WOW! where did all that passion inside you come from? I am literally blown away by it! I’d never read or heard such intense, overwhelming words of love. He said…I don’t know. It’s you who do this to me. 2 weeks later ‘I believe our souls have met their mate’ At this point I didn’t know he’d left the previous victim for dead….played his ex-wife’s cancer card to her. (Meanwhile ex wife can’t be in same room as him)Yet weeks previously he had told my predecessor (a year later to become my successor again!) ‘She was THE ONE’ Wrote her love cards almost daily…as he did for me…Extraordinary, terrifyingly chilling. It means nothing. He feels NOTHING yet this endless torrent of love declaration. They are quite simply bloody insane. However practised their craft, plausible the con, they are nuts. Is there an equivalent website for SP perpetrators where they learn all this stuff? Share effective practice? ‘Sociopathis Shafters are US?’
PS I wholeheartedly agree with capuccino queen. I absolutely HAD to understand what had happened to me. This website is such a solace. All your names say it all….Back from the Edge, Truthspeak, Nolongersilent, Dupey, Still reeling…..and we are a community! My name is my own but i echo all your sentiments 🙂
Skylar, YES!!!!!!!!! I am one of “those people” who typically spills their life’s story within minutes! Boy, oh boy….am I a practicing clam, today. I shut the fark up no matter HOW (caps for emphasis, only) tempted I am to disclose – Great Creator! I want people to know what I’ve suffered, empathize with my plight, and understand why I’m the way that I am. Well, here’s the honest truth: they don’t care, one way or the other.
I have to really, really work hard at keeping my feelings and experiences shut inside my emotional clam. It’s a challenge, but I have discovered (quite by accident) that keeping a vast gulf of distance is not only empowering, but it allows me to observe someone’s behaviors on an objective level. I’m a “reactionist.” I tend to RE-act to every given situation, and I am slowly (painfully so) learning how to stop, look, listen, and make sure that emotional freight train isn’t barreling down the track to run me down.
MoMac, indeed, they are bloody nuts. And, YES (caps for emphasis) there are actually websites constructed like this site where sociopaths, psychopaths, and malignant narcissists can discuss their trolling techniques and extoll their own grandiosities. I’ve never visited any of these sites, and I cannot make myself do it. I believe that my reaction to their discussions would cause me to utterly implode. But, yes…..they do crow of their conquests, the carnages, and their subsequent legal “wins.”
And, it’s good to have you here, MoMac. You’re precious and valuable in this vast Universe. Never let yourself forget this basic truth.
Brightest blessings