Donna Andersen explains why we should not feel obligated to keep promises made to sociopaths. Watch the latest episode of Lovefraud Lessons here:
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Truthspeak
DONNA!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for this video!!! I’m one of those doggoned people, and my son has taught me a valuable lesson. He won’t “promise” to do anything because he said that he doesn’t want to break a promise, so he avoids making them in the event that something happens to where he’s unable to fulfill his oaths.
Wow…….
WONDERFUL, thank you for this terrific series!
cappuccinoqueen
Wow Donna, this was such a good one!
“A promise to a sociopath is not a promise made in truth.”
I remember having long conversations with me ex spath about how I would never leave him just because times were tough. Little did I know, times would ALWAYS be tough because his financial problems had nothing to do with “the economy” or “misfortune” and all to do with a syndrome called “I don’t want to get a job because I would prefer to just live off of my victims.”
40 years and never had a real job. I guess to the delusional spath, that is just a long period of “hard times”?
darwinsmom
Oh, my, Donna that was a great video!
A promise to myself is what got me involved with the spath. He had been targeting me and I had kept him at bay for several days. It even came to a point where I rejected him. He was still acting ‘caring’ and such to me the rest of that evening, but came across as desperate and dissapointed, and I felt pity for him. (that was his pity play act). So, I went home promising myself that I would be a good friend to him and stand up for him if others smearcampained him… And two days later I was sucked in and defended him, when he was actually doing a lot of wrong stuff behind my back to others and myself.
Thruthspeak, I learned not only not to make promises to others, but not even to myself when it comes to another person’s character. There are but a few people I can vouch for, and those I have known intimately in all sorts of situations for over a decade.
Victorian12
Capuccinoqueen,
Same as my ex-spath. He was 40 years old and he didn’t have a paid job, his job is to live off of his targets. He’s now living with the next one who offered him a place to stay and takes care of all his needs. What shameless audacity! it sucks.
I managed to get all my money back though.
Donna Andersen
Thank you all for your comments – it’s really a very subtle form of manipulation, and I didn’t realize it until I was thinking about the Lovefraud reader’s case. There are so many areas in which we need to be aware.
cappuccinoqueen
My ex used to tell his older son to never make promises because they were meant to be broken and that he should only give his word. This always confused me since he relied so heavily on other people making and keep their promises. And now, this whole giving your word sounds even more ridiculous because my ex’s word is about as valuable as a wet food stamp.
strongawoman
Yes, Cappucinoqueen,
my ex similarly tried to “teach” his son morals. What a joke…he was obsessed with liars, his online dating profile proclaiming his hatred for people who lie!
Yes, CQ, it’s opposite day in spath land. With disastrous consequences. He could lie in a heartbeat. He swore to me on more than one occasion he wasn’t seeing anyone else….swore on his son’s life. He lied. Sick piece of shiat
Truthspeak
Donna, this is a really important topic of boundaries, where I’m concerned.
On the one hand, it’s considered a virtue to be a person of one’s word. On the other hand, that “virtue” can quickly be used against someone by a sociopath.
I OFTEN wondered why that one question was on the target risk quiz! I can’t remember exactly how it goes, but it went something like, “Do you keep promises that you make to others?” Well, until you posted this video, I just didn’t understand how my integrity could be an assist to spaths, other than that they hated integrity and wanted only to dismantle it.
For a long, long time, I didn’t understand why my son would say, “I never make promises,” until now. Holy moley – and, I mean HOLY MOLEY.
Sometimes, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I’m going to be emotionally sound. Each new article peels away another onion skin of my vulnerabilities and personal issues, and correcting these issues is a daunting task. It’s a “good” thing to learn about these vulnerabilities that I have, but it’s also horrible to realize (and, process) that things that I had always believed to be “virtues” may not be all that virtuous.
Who would ever have imagined that keeping promises was a bad thing? I really, really have to contemplate this issue and sort out means to resolve it.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak
Strongawoman, that is probably the most pat response that I’ve experienced and read from other survivors with regard to the spaths. “I hate a liar,” is a screaming, flapping, waving, dancing, and on-fire Red Flag, to me.
The first exspath always said that exact quote, “I hate a liar.” The second exspath wouldn’t say that quote, but he would often point to other people’s inconsistencies and dishonesty – more like making the comment, by proxy.
Sheeeesh…….
strongawoman
Yep Truth and how did I read that proclamation? …….Sheesh is right, my friend. Running and screaming in the opposite direction, thats what I shoulda done. I saw it as an attribute, that he was honest.
Oh dearie me……