Donna Andersen explains why we should not feel obligated to keep promises made to sociopaths. Watch the latest episode of Lovefraud Lessons here:
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Strongawoman, well, we have to remind ourselves that we were living in a world where a person’s word was their bond, right? And, this “quality” or “virtue” of honesty and holding to promises was something that we expected from everyone else because we had done that, ourselves.
Today, and for the rest of my life, promises are out of the question. Not because I wouldn’t love to be able to keep them, but because keeping them became a weapon that was used with surgical precision by the spaths that I’ve encountered.
Yes Truthspeak: we WERE living and do live in a world where a person is only as good as their word.
Promises are not meant to be broken.
At least to a ppath; hm?
I mean, THEY can break them to us
but NEVER can we to them. Hm?
Of course, we know what value we
place upon our promises but we are
in the minority not the majority, I am finding.
Words are words and how we say them and the way we choose to say them makes all the difference in the world.
Once words are said, they can’t be erased.
They stay with us always.
That is another weapon they use.
At least in the deep mind control “I”
have experienced all these years.
It’s not easy coming out of that.
You like to think you are strong enough
to come bursting through the exposure,
however, you don’t notice how much it
has ingrained itself in you until you try to
let go. Until you try to get out. THEN
you can see the control and the addiction.
Very clearly. Absolutely.
We must pick and choose where our hearts attempt to lead us.
Dopey
hey all! had a pretty good weekend with wife and family! been thinkin about it. read some of the above and wow thats how she got hooked. she said he did this pity play and then once she crossed the line he had her making promises not to BETRAY HIM. i wanna puke here.
So i thought about it whenever i had the chance here this weekend. i think i have a ton of really bad crap lying around in this heart of mine. i am looking for a way to vent it that does not involve her, breaking the law, or some immoral act. . . . . . . hmmmmmmm. well lets see. a few months ago, i had something push me over the edge, dont remember what it was but i flew off the handle and let fly and broke some stuff out in the garage. i really had a fit and when i was done, i cried a lot and then laughed at myself for being such an idiot. i sat there in my man cave, amidst the wreckage, and thought Gee im glad no one witnessed that!
funny though, looking back i think i let some of it out and i didnt hurt anyone else. so im wondering, if i throw eggs, or break things, does the rage inside come up for the party or what. I mean, that time i was triggered. oh, i remember now! I was up working on our new porch roof and my wife was helping me by handing sheets up and our little two year old grandson was toddling about below. now my wife isnt the likes of anyone who would let that little guy get hurt, but you all know how stubborn we can be. i was a bit ticked off already when she ignored my suggestion that she have our grandson stay in the house. after all he’d cry or throw a fit and she couldnt have that. then it happened, he got in her way and some stuff fell over on him! he didnt get hurt but got knocked over and i was stuck up on the roof helpless but to watch. wow! i thought for a minute here that i was pissed off because she wouldnt listen but it just came to me that it may have been deeper. i may have been watching her fall for a childs pity play. I know most youngsters do it. most of our four kids pulled that all the time. but my wife and i learned by the second one how to read and react to it. I was wondering why she was so soft as a grandma. i mean really soft! our little grandson was born about a month into her affair with this maniac. and he used pity on her. it was like she lost all the wisdom she had over the years!
also wanted you guys to know that although my wife is the diagnosed co-dependent here, i may have picked up some of this along the years. someone here made a comment to the effect a few days ago and i gave it some thought.
my therapist says im a “type A personality” or at least an analyzer. duh. might make me a halfway decent engineer huh??
so if i coax out the anger this way, what about the pain? and the betrayal, god knows what other damage done to my brain by the three ten minute conversations i had with my wifes pschyco boyfriend? oh and all the letters i was priveleged to read once she was sick of him.
last weekend we went to a wedding. had mostly fun but my wife pulled some creep off our seventeen year daughter out on the dance floor while i wasnt looking. ok thats cool but then later, he starts hitting on her, she’s giving me that come save me look and i let her handle it herself. i figured, she’s a big girl, i’m not gonna be rescuing her. then i get crap from her. it really twisted my chain cause heres some creep with his paws on a minor, and she doesnt have the guts to walk away from him when he starts on her.
do any of you folks find yourselves having difficulty saying no?
Rgc, absolutely, I have always had a problem saying, “NO.” As Donna’s video clearly points out, I can’t say, “No,” and I loathe breaking a promise. So, why can’t I say, “No,” and feel comfortable about it? Why do promises hold so much meaning to me?
I couldn’t say, “No,” because I lacked self-assurance, self-esteem, self-worth, and every other positive “Selfism” there is. If I said, “No,” then I risked rejection and abandonment.
Promises became hyper-vital to me because it was an oath. And, people who make oaths never break them, right?
As per the rage, anger, etc…..Rgc, this is sort of where I was going when you felt that I was picking at you. If we do not express our feelings, we end up exploding in an uncontrollable fit that either destroys possessions, or harms other people. In my case, you may know that the exspath left (and, never returned) after I attacked him in a fit of uncontrollable rage when I discovered hard proof that he had been engaging in the most vile sexual activities with another person (at least), and possibly spending a load of money going to group gatherings where violent deviant sexual fantasies were acted out.
I had known that he had been doing these things for about a month, and I had repeatedly told him that he needed to tell me if he had been having sex with someone else, and he flatly denied the obvious, again and again. It wasn’t so much that he had engaged in his violent fantasies as much as his denial of the absolute obvious. I mean……..REALLY……..a box of condoms and all of the other physical evidence that I found, and he still denied what he was doing?
So, Rgc, this is what I was trying to put forth – speaking about YOU and your feelings, your sense of betrayal, your disgust, your disappointment, your anger…..these are things that are primal in each of us, and we need to talk about these things or we risk going off the proverbial deep end like I did.
With regard to the guy that was hitting on your daughter, and then on the wife, BRAVO!!! Although it would be wonderful if it were true, nobody is a knight on a white charger. I know it must have been difficult to resist the urge to rescue her, but good for you!
Yeah, it twisted your chain because you’re reading more, absorbing more, analyzing more, and “seeing” more about this whole situation. And, you aren’t required to save anyone else but yourself.
Brightest blessings to you
Rgc,
Anger and rage is a very physical feeling. The best way to get it out of your system is in a physical way. So, yes, even if you’re angry about something else and end up breaking something you suddenly might feel the urge to wreak more havoc.
We think it’s wrong to break stuff, regard it as violence. But if you do it methodical without hurting anyone and even witnessing it, it can be the best way to relief yourself of anger.
I think you did the right thing by not rescuing her from the creep. She needs to learn to get rid of creeps herself, because you can’t be around to save her from them every time. She needs to learn to save herself, say no to people and even dare to risk being impolite to jerks.
thanks both of you! its funny how my brain has all this stuff in line and down pat. but the way it affects me seems to be an amalgom of the effects i study. i guess im unique so im not gonna find “how this feels to me” in a textbook.
its my day off after the family party! she’s working and i’m gonna have some fun! c-ya! your all amazing!
RGC – Anger absolutely needs to be vented. It needs to be brought up from deep within us and released. The way you did it works just fine.
You might want to get the book “Facing the Fire” by John Lee. It’s about releasing anger appropriately. Breaking things is one way that the author suggests, although, for the sake of convenience, he suggests smashing old dishes into big trash cans.
My personal favorite technique was imagining my ex’s face on a pillow and beating the crap out of it.
me again, don’t know if this is where I should be. Unless I am too ashamed. ugh.