Donna Andersen explains why we should not feel obligated to keep promises made to sociopaths. Watch the latest episode of Lovefraud Lessons here:
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Useless2010, only you know where you need to be.
Brightest blessings
I need to be right where I am. That is home with my loving family. We just can’t seem to get past this affair I had. I am different and need to change or it will ruin us. I don’t have rage and even if I did, I don’t think beating something will help. That scares me. rgc, what does your wife do for a living if I may ask? Would that effect her personality at all? The reason I ask, is that it seems to affect some people.
Useless2010, I would recommend individual counseling to help you sort it all out.
that didn’t work. The guy used me, and tried to break up my family. Whatever, he’s gone now. but shadows haunt my hubby and it isn’t helping.
useless2010,
stages of grief have several set of feelings, not only rage, and it’s different for each individual how they go through the stages, which will dominate at first, while for others it all comes all at once. And nobody here is advizing each other to beat someone up. 🙂
It sounds like your husband needs individual counseling. Your individual counseling may not have worked for you because you didn’t have the right counselor for you.
Of course shadows haunt your husband. And no, of course it isn’t helping. But your husband is a person who has feelings and grief and who has to go through it as well and needs time for it.
Yes you are changed. And yet you seem to expect it’s possible to turn back the clock emotional wise back to before the affair and seem to expect from yourself to change back into that previous person and wife. You can’t! It’s the one thing neither of you can do, especially since the previous person you were was the person who got hooked into an affair by a spath.
You have to grow and learn from the affair, the spath and the issues between you and your husband. Your husband has to do the same. And then the relationship between you two has to grow and learn from it as well.
useless2010. i dont know abouy you hubby, but what i (think) i need is for my wife to learn to explore this. I feel like because i did a lot of research, my intellect gets it. but my heart is a different matter. i think it still doubts. it may still believe that this happened to our marrige because of me. i think our hearts and minds are two separate entities. and i think they are supposed to be more in sync than not. sure one leads the other occasionally. but when something like this happens, they can become way out of sync. its like my mind understands it, but my heart keeps arguing that its all my fault. i think i could see this in my wife a lot. keep studying here. these people have definitely experienced something unique. and people who havent simply dont know. resist the temptation to push it all down inside you. i’m pretty sure it will come back up. i think this is how my wife is dealing (or not dealing with it). i know her mind knows this guy was trash and he was ALL lies. but her heart seems to be taking its time. hang in there. it takes time.
Thank you Donna for this truthful video.
I have and am learning not to keep promises with people who manipulate me into feeling sorry for them as diversion to get what they want from me.
I’m working on creating a distance from a man who had become my friend through a meet-up group. This man right from the start obnoxiously stuffs his religious beliefs down everyone else’s throats. He obnoxiously professes he’s following God and this great person however; he sleeps around on his Sweet mate (he calls her) and calls me if he wants someone to go outside and play with him (this man is in his late forties). He lives off his so called Sweet mate and lacks the maturity (possible sociopath) to seek employment as most human being adults do. So if I tell him to not contact me during the day because I’m spending the time looking for employment his retarded comment is “well I have no job and God takes care of me”. When I brought my sons home from college (ten hour round trip) this retard contacts me and tells me arrogantly and in a childish way that he’s in my town now during my town’s carnival days. Yeppie (sarcasm)! When I try to explain I’m tired and finally have my much happy for me awaiting sons home this arrogant self-centered retard comes right and says “well they have bikes don’t they”!
He sends me text messages of Bible scriptures and ask stupid religious questions from me.
I’m always worried about people not liking me and causing drama for me because I don’t behave in the positive way they want. I’m trying to deprogram myself from this self destructive thinking. This type of thinking is making myself easy target to be manipulated.
I’m not responding to his text messages and have blocked his calls. He will hopefully get bored after the temper tantrum.
useless2010,
my wife is in the medical field. also a community volunteer. if you go looking, youll find some commonality here. people who are born nurturers are also targets. my wife fell for the pity play. nurturers love to help people. thats why you’ll find lots of them in medicine. this makes them targets and easily identified by the disordered. keep studying. it will ultimately help you understand why this happened and teach you that you didnt get what you bargained for. that its not ALL your fault.
heres one for you donna. last night my wife and i had a discussion about this stuff with her and her ex boyfriend. I think she is curious and when she sees some of the similarities, i think her jaw will drop. she still seems to think she has processed all this stuff. so, denial? or do people actually get it through and through by themselves. ??.seems to me the closer she gets to really gripping this, the easier it should be to talk about it.
useless, i think that there are several things required in order for therapy to work.
(1) we must be willing to open up about our feelings or our therapists hands will be tied.
(2) we need a therapist who understands pathological bonds. also known as trauma bonds. without an understanding of this phenomena, they’ll assume your affair was garden variety and that time alone will cause sufficient healing. it took me a few tries to get someone who understands this.
rgc