In response to my last video about sociopaths and love bombing, a Lovefraud reader asked a question: Why do sociopaths marry? In this video, I answer the question. For more videos, visit the Lovefraud Video Page.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Donna……what a terrific explanation and it makes absolute sense.
The exspath married me for three reasons:
* I provided a cloak of respectability
* I provided a “safe” mommy-figure
* I provided access to financial assets
All else was taken squarely on my shoulders – to have, hold, sickness, health, and blah…blah…blah…..
You were 100% SPOT-ON about a spath using the empath’s sense of promise (goes to another article, as well) against their victims.
Wonderful, Donna – thank you for posting this!
So, when the marriage is finally exposed as a fraud, why is is so difficult for the targets to walk away? This isn’t a rhetorical question, at all. I’m quite serious.
The only reason – and, I do mean the ONLY reason – that I was able to go NC, instantly, was because of my exposure to this site and the priceless information that I had been reading prior to my discoveries. In all seriousness, I would likely have been unable to go NC because of the incredible betrayals that were uncovered. That is the only reason that I knew, on an academic level, that I had to either enforce NC or lose my mind.
Do I honestly believe that anything that I might say to the spath would cause him to feel badly for his choices? In MY world, a human being would definitely feel some sense of remorse. In the exspath’s world, the only remorse to be felt is by others for not meeting his needs and wants. I knew this to be true, but I also know that I would not have been able to go and maintain NC had I not absorbed that fact through reading and posting on this site.
Yes….the spath “values committment,” but only from their source targets. Pfffffffffffft….
Donna, EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY! Thank you, you are so right on! The spaths value commitment, only when it suits and “feeds” them. If they cannot find a better and more profitable arrangement, they stay-put, till they ( the parasite) can find their next “host”.
1000% true.
Just waiting to hear that my ex will get married to his rich widow. He is already living in her $1 million dollar home and driving the dead husbands luxury vehicle.
It is just a matter of time that they marry – he wants to ensure his “cash cow” does not get away.
The sad thing is she has no idea – she thinks he loves her for herself and that is so far from the truth….
Truthspeak, agree completely with you that this site has helped me greatly, to overcome confusion when I was not sure what my next move ought to be.
No contact seems kind of counterintuitive.
I’ll tell you why it was hard for me at first:
1. I am a polite person and I thought “no contact” would be rude.
2. The therapists and the courts have all instructed me to “cooperatively co-parent” with my ex, so I thought that’s what I should be doing (to do it “the right way” and with “the best interest of my children in mind.”)
3. I was told by many people that I was being “childish” and “petty” for moving towards a NC type of relationship with my ex.
4. My own father even tried to get in the middle and offered to “mediate” for us if only I would consent to have a Starbucks meeting with my ex! He SO didn’t get the situation.
5. I don’t like to give up on people and relationships. I have excellent people skills and a great track record in relationships of all sorts, do not take offense easily, am very interested in learning about the other person and where they are coming from and getting along with them and appreciating differences. I did not want to admit to “failure” with my ex! But everything I tried over the years to move closer to him, to come to some understanding or cooperative relationship, some getting along for the sake of the children, was met by these stupefying roadblocks that just drove me nuts! I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong…. it was bizarre. Until I figured out HE was doing it. But even then, the dissonance was so jarring (I mean, WHY would a person do such nutty things — it’s so weird my mind couldn’t even admit to the reality of what he was doing, for a long time) — it just took me a long time to catch on.
Those are a few reasons, anyway.
I agree in full with all comments above. I’m now waiting for next court session to extract decent money from spath (currently he pays peanuts) and restrict his access to our tine child to the minimum. He knows that it will be the game over and this vision pushed him to suggest the following: I’ll marry you, but you need to show me you love me…you need to committ properly and not take me to the court…time is ticking therefore his reason to get married is clearly to avoid embarrassment that will put shadow on his brilliant portfolio. Climbing up the executive directors leder.
All that naturally caked in sweettalking crap, pardone my french 😉
Obviously, not for a minute I believe he wants family, he created to hooked me up completely…
Donna’s post made me think again. We were engaged, I left him due to constant cheating and making me feel small, broken…the usual and so typical for spaths…so to speak…
I believe it is a part of their game and ability to create a mask of sanity. The need of having official partners is driven by long term goal: to make them look better in society/work environment, helps them to bridge the gap that in reality will never be filled with true warmth and care. They do it to show their family to prove they can build stable relationship. Families of spaths usually suffer, witness relationship after relationship falling down, parents tend to pretend they do not understand the hurt caused by spath to his parner or child, they are co addicted. We are just a meat, hands to help, nice label, cover, wrapping that completes their image. We also are bins, exercise mats, sewage system thru which they want to channel their toxic existence, behind the scene, out of public eye.
This is clearly for their benefit only… Not because they want to seal loving relationship and create family…
‘create a mask of sanity,’ how true LieToMeNoMore
I have been very stupid; Four years ago I threw my SPATH out and went no contact after he nearly destroyed me. This site was a lot of help and I learnt a lot. I was fine, getting better, then after he had a bad bike accident, guess what, I felt sorry for him. He gradually wormed his way back into my life, even getting down on one knee to propose. All the lovebombing etc. but, one clever thing I did – not letting him move back in.
To start with he appeared changed, I thought, ‘maybe it’s because of the accident, perhaps it’s really changed him.’
Last week after two years of him slowly turning back in to the spath, he came round, told me how he was going to make such a fuss of me, then by the next morning he had the cold look that is talked about on here and he was acting like an arsehole. Hot and cold, hot and cold – it gets so boring.
I threw him out and as he left he said ‘You’ll never get anyone else.’
He is now on Facebook saying he has met the love of his life and that he is like a dog with two tales and floating on air and his family and friends think it’s wonderful.
This is a week after he was asking why I wouldn’t marry him.
So, I finally have got shot of him, but why did I want to cry?
I feel sorry for his new woman, and as my son said, ‘Mum, he has done you a favour, get back out there and find a decent man.’
So all of you, why did I feel like crying? I’ve escaped again, I should be cheering? Not all of the people on this site get off so easy.
Crazy.
Thank you for the video and for this website. I just got married to a woman that sometimes I suspect might be a sociopath??? I can sometimes be gullible (Maybe O.J. didn’t kill Nicole….) I appreciate everyones comments here and I’m so sorry you were hurt by someone that should of loved you. I would like to tell my whole story someday…….Thank You.
Wow!! You really made it very clear for me!! I am now understanding that my ex is a sociopath. All of the characteristics are true for him. If you look up the definition, his picture would be there! I also discovered journals (many) that he had written that were hidden in the basement. He also has 12 personalities that he identified in these journals and described. There are numerous conversations to these “alter-egos” that he wrote about with answers from some of them (even in different handwriting).
He now lives with another woman (20 years younger than him — he is 69) and she has 4 daughters. Two live at home, and one is about 8 years old. Those children are in danger living with someone who has such mental issues. I have seen the anger many times. I have gone to the pastor at their church, but I don’t think he believes me about the danger they are in. My ex is very charismatic and uses the church congregation as his audience. Any suggestions?
What incredible timing! I just learned last week that my ex-spath is engaged. This just a scant 4 months after moving out and 3 months of NC. All week I’ve been walking around in a haze asking myself why he would do this. I know it’s crazy, but when I heard this news I was hurt – it was one more reminder of just how little he really cared for me. I don’t know why I would be surprised, he once suggested we marry so that he would have healthcare coverage – what a romantic…lol. Thank you for this video, and thanks to the universe for the timing. Even though I know better, I was going to send him a card congratulating him! I should be sending a sympathy card to his poor victim.