In response to my last video about sociopaths and love bombing, a Lovefraud reader asked a question: Why do sociopaths marry? In this video, I answer the question. For more videos, visit the Lovefraud Video Page.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
JustBree — I think that you have brought up a point left out of the video (which was very good.)
The spath often sees having a spouse as a bundle of goods and services. The spath can have a “hobby job” like playing the guitar or writing third-rate poetry while the spouse works full-time and provides medical & dental coverage, runs all the errands, takes care of the kids, the housework, (and in my case, the yardwork, too.)
After we separated following ten years of marriage and two children, and embarked on our horrible divorce and custody fight, the spath came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea — he would buy a house that I would live in with the kids, and he could come and go. We would be legally separated, so his rapidly increasing income (after years of getting a business started) would be completely his. I would be like a 24/7 nanny, except that I would also provide sexual services when he was between hook-ups, and I would not receive a salary, just enough money to run the household.
I asked him where he thought my next husband might fit into this picture, and he seemed genuinely surprised.
They really are wrapped up in their own world, and he definitely ripped me off financially the whole time we were married, but a big part of what marriage meant to him was that he was never troubled by the “little stuff” of life, since it was my job to handle 100% of that, since he was a Captain of Industry, and, as he told me, his time was TOO VALUABLE.
My x-spath, being a gay flight attendant from London, seemed to be looking for somebody not to provide a “cloak of respectability” but a posh party pad for his “jet set” lifestyle.
The first online profile I came across of his, contained an interesting answer to the question “where are you most likely to be on a Friday night?” His response: “passed out on a sofa in Manhattan.”
I do not know if this was in reference to my sofa in Manhattan, but it sure says a lot…
It has been years since I first came to this website, and I agree with many of you, if it hadn’t been for the information here, there is no telling when I may have figured out what was going on with my ex.
I wanted to comment on “Why Sociopaths Marry.” For my ex, the reason was legality. He robbed me and the others through ‘community property’ laws, and fraud. When someone commits fraud while married, the spouse is legally just as guilty, whether he/she know about the fraud or not. It is difficult for prosecutors to prove fraud, but it is even more difficult for a spouse to prove that they had nothing to do with it, and often get left holding the bag.
I’m with Truthspeak on those (3) reasons and they probably apply to everyone else as well. In my case, however, #3 did not apply since at the time we married he had more than me but because he was a confirmed loser who even attended his prom with his own cousin because no one else would be caught dead going with him. I was the second woman he ever dated, the first one dropped him like a hot potato after just a couple of casual dates. For the monster I married, having a wife validated all he thought he was (and was not) and was a symbol of his imaginary success and high status. Dude was even a virgin still living in mommy’s basement when I met him at age 30 (well not literally since she lived in a two-bedroom apartment). He’s been married and divorced one more time since we split and is on the prowl for #3. The pattern doesn’t change, he moves fast & goes straight for the kill. What amazes me is how anyone (particularly me) could stay with such a pathetic loser so devoid of human emotions for so long. My ordeal lasted 15 years, the second suckers’ was 8. However, the span seems to be shortening. Maybe the next one will only last 3 or 4 years, 1 or 2 for the one after that and then, he’ll die alone as he deserves. Coincidentally, he has an uncle who also went thru 4 wives before one stuck — of course, the “family” was very quickly to point the finger at all the wives and couldn’t understand why such a nice guy would end up so many wicked, wicked women. Hark, hark, hark!
I hope someone from my high school class reads this. They should know who I am referring to here…
Yes, everybody> “SH” was/is a sociopath. Very cruel and demeaning. Very exploitative. Sexual perv on top of it…she attacked me on the school bus.
Crazy bitchy conniving GREEDY…vain …hateful (these are weak words to describe a very sick individual)
Truthspeak – I think the reason I could not leave after realizing that I was married to a con artist was the huge debt we created over the last five years of our marriage.
PLUS, most of these men create the old “now you see it, now you dont” to their significant others. It’s kind of a combo platter with “love bombing” and “reality experiences.” They are “done” with you, but they are still playing the game. They dont want YOU to leave until they have another victim lined up.
This is exactly what my husband did to me. He kept doing the obligatory “nice” things yet behind my back he was ferociously looking for his new victim for his escape from my ever growing annoyance with him and his lies.
Not until he mover out did I discover most of the deception. I say “most” because I believe we never really know all of the “tricks” they pulled while we were involved with them.
After 18 years with this person, our divorce is final today. It’s a bitter sweet moment for me. The man I “thought” I married was an illusion and it literally took me years to figure out the depth of this deception. He has been doing it a long time so he was very good at the lies and deceit.
Moving forward, I will create a lecture business that targets college aged women. I also would like to work with our legal system to expose more of the tricks of the trade to this group that comes in contact with the victims.
My motto is – “I will never give up speaking my truth about these horrendous people – never.”
wifeno5: In certain business circles, men above the age of 30 need to be married to someone respectable in order to be taken seriously as a “stable” person who can be promoted to bigger and better things, and trusted to handle large sums of money, expensive projects, etc.
You are incorrect about the spouse being equally guilty of the spath’s frauds — one of the elements of a crime is that you have to commit an act (or fail to act when you have a duty to act.) If the spath “did it all” then the crime is all his, generally speaking, UNLESS you knew he was defrauding people and remained silent and enjoyed the proceeds.
The IRS has, or at least used to have, an Innocent Spouse theory under which they would only go after the spouse who cheated on taxes by underreporting income, even if the Innocent Spouse co-signed the tax return.
In nearly every case that I have seen where both spouses were accused of fraud, the husband was the “active” defrauder, while the wife knew, or should have known that fraud was being committed, and that the husband’s legitimate income would not come close to covering the couple’s lavish lifestyle.
The only other situations that I have seen where innocent, or relatively innocent persons got hung out to dry for somebody else’s fraud involved people who were married to crooked foreigners — the crooked foreign spouse runs a crooked scam, and when the government starts to come after him, he returns to his home country, and leaves his American brother-in-law or former wife holding the bag.
If you are being investigated for fraud committed by your ex, you need URGENT competent legal advice.
Quantum Solace: My ex used to tell people that he was “normal” because our marriage lasted well over a decade. His second marriage lasted about half that long, and that is fairly typical. Second marriages that fail usually do last about half as long as the first marriage.
Divorced from Gaslighter – wifeno5 – I filed the Innocent Spouse earlier this year when I discovered MAJOR fraud on our income tax returns.
I heard back from the IRS and they “could not find anything”????? Ok.
However, they did indicate that they would have a final answer after reviewing our 2011 and 2012 taxes. Well, the shit may hit the fan folks.
My CPA told me to GET AWAY from this person. I am now divorced from him and added some verbiage for fraud which he has now admitted HE did without my knowledge. He got all of the refund money.
My CPA also told me in his 30 years of practice he has had about 7 cases and all have been MEN. All of them did time in prison for their fraudulent behavior.
So many of these people will fly just under the radar their entire life. I dont know why more are not caught. My ex husband is VERY smart. Sadly, most men like this think they are smarter and most will never get caught.
Well, we shall see what happens. He is getting older now and I know he doesnt want trouble with the new GF. I am sure he is flying pretty straight for now, however, old habits are hard to break.
Donna,
This video is a very good one.
Why marry?
1) A cover/mask/cloak/decent person to hide behind
2)Someone to be responsible (bills/housework/cook/garden. I even kept his car tuned and running
3)they enjoy the “good parent” that is responsible for children so they can go off and “work”
4)the unconditional love is a big draw
I would think most spaths desire marriage. If the “abused” is the breadwinner the spath will suck off of the breadwinner. If the abused is the spouse – they will be “held down” emotionally, socially, and many other ways, because the spath often dislikes the spouse to have more “power” or notoriety.
I was my spaths cover. He admitted it sort of once saying, “He appreciated my good will and interactions with our neighbors.” I always loved the idea of having friends over because he was WAY nicer to me than if we were alone. It got to the point that he mostly ignored me, but in my loneliness, if I sought out interaction he would fight me.
I put some effort into forgiving myself EVERY single day – now that I have finally figured out I was married to someone faking it, personality disordered, a flat out sociopath.
I treat myself gently, I get one more thing done toward organizing my life and comb through the house and get rid of something everyday that provides and reminder of “him.”
I always wondered why my x married me….I had no assets whatsoever. I was a single mother of two little girls. In a twisted way, this led credibility to the belief that he really loved me….added to my image of him as my hero…..exactly what he wanted.
He wanted someone with no resources…he wanted a hostage who would never leave him…that was safe for him.
He wanted a housekeeper and a cook, and that’s about all he ever saw in me, and even that was far below his expectations. He quicklyturned a blind eye and deaf ear to the real, inner me, that came complete with ideas, desires and dreams…simply not interested.
I think he wanted someone who would wait for him…He was in the Navy for 21 years, and spent a lot of time at sea, first leterally, and then figuratively. He reserved his sexual and romantic feelings for ideal woman he could never really have, but he would get lost in the dream while I’d be cooking supper.