A Lovefraud reader using the name Dawn H posted the following comment quite awhile ago. At the end of her story, she brings up important questions.
My ex and I grew up in the same small town. We were like Barbie and Ken”¦expected to marry and live happily ever after. I watched him grow from a very nice guy into a predator and a very evil person in just a few years. After our child was born he started a new wonderful job in a bank and quickly climbed the ladder to success. I put him through law school as he became distant and harsh and wouldn’t touch me. I found out he was bragging at work about secretaries’ children being his. One of his secretaries divorced her husband to sneak around with mine in sleazy motels and the whole time he was telling her that I carried a gun in my diaper bag, etc. I met and befriended her, she started fainting at work, they both got fired, and she moved away. He begged and cried and we did major counseling for a year and I dropped the divorce proceedings thinking he was well.
Over the next two or three years he was nice and took my calls at work, came home for supper, etc, but gradually grew distant and harsh again. I found out in ’04 that he had a 10-12 yr affair with another secretary from his new position as COO of a publicly traded banking company AND a woman in every port city from here to Beijing. He had been hiding his money all this time, so that when he was caught he would not have to share. He bought all his mistresses suits, jewelry, even paid for one’s house, while I had to pay utilities, my own food, my own insurance, car payment”¦everything from my teacher salary. He kept me literally broke while he was making almost half a million per yr and telling me we had no money because he was reinvesting it all in the company. If I wanted 200 for Christmas presents, he made me postdate a check for January, and he wouldn’t let go of his check until I let go of mine.
There was no intimacy for more than 15 yrs. He lied all day every day, but the strange thing was that he turned very dark. He would leave butcher knives out on the counter facing the stairs where I came down in the morning. I found out his mistress was the one who had been phone stalking me for 7 or 8 yrs, and their phone records were like 25 or 30 calls to each other every day, even though they worked side by side. At the same time he had many other young mistresses and kept them all ignorant of each other. After he was caught and we separated, he cried and became perfect all over again for a year counseling, then got caught at a sleazy motel with someone again.
I could tell that someone was breaking into my house while I was at the gym. He brought me Ultimate Woman vitamin pills with the seal broken and some missing! I found an empty Viagra box in his vanity drawer. This guy has 150 IQ. Someone was hacking into my bank records online, and I left tape recorders at the house to see what was going on there while I was out. On the phone from the house to women, he sounded like a dirty old man, talking naughty and naked and nasty. I wouldn’t have believed it was him. One day he would cry and hug the stuffing out of me apologizing, and the next day he was rude and hateful and couldn’t remember he had apologized. I knew my life was in danger and I had to change the locks etc. I had to tape record every conversation during separation and divorce proceedings, because he lied so much to attorneys, etc, that you couldn’t prove anything without recordings.
He had NO concern for our son’s feelings in any of this. The mistresses’ children grew up with him sneaking in through the fence to sleep with mommy, and the first one’s kids were calling him Daddy too. He found out this mistress aborted his child, and he doesn’t care. He told me one time during the proceedings “the girlfriend knows I do what I want and I get what I want, and she’s fine with that.” Children’s feelings are unimportant, but he is wining and dining our son now, like we’re in a contest ”¦ climbing the pyramids in Egypt ”¦ took him to the Great Wall of China ”¦ fly fishing in the Grand Canyon, etc. Bought a barge and stocks it with bongs and booze for my son’s friends, etc. No regard for the kids ”¦ it’s all about him and winning.
My interest in cases like this is, where do you draw the line? When do you bring in the attorneys and police and IRS? What about the children? If he’s been hiding money for years in other countries, are you just supposed to forget and forgive and move on? I’ve had the hardest time with that. God is so good to me, but when I start to recall all the craziness, I get shaky and lose sleep and I just can’t really go there anymore. I want to protect others from this victimization and I don’t want to be vindictive, but then again, I don’t want him hurting other young women. I would not doubt that he might be one of these trafficking guys. Did you know most of the WORLD’S trafficking is financed by middle-aged American businessmen? We need to wake up and do something quickly. This American businessman/ sociopath/ narcissist/ predator thing is getting out of hand.
Dawn H’s story is terrible. Most people would say the story is shocking, but that’s because most people are ignorant about sociopaths. All of us here at Lovefraud know that stories like Dawn’s are much more common than the uninitiated realize.
The man Dawn H described is clearly hurting many people—Dawn, her son, the bevy of mistresses, the mistresses’ kids, even American taxpayers, since the guy is hiding his money. He may even be complicit in the sordid the sex trade.
Whether our stories are as bad as Dawn’s or not, many of us ask ourselves the same questions that she asked at the end of her email: How do we respond?
We all have to find our own answers to the question. Following are the points and issues to consider. For the sake of convenience I am referring to the sociopaths as male, but they could be female as well.
Now vs. later
When we first realize what the sociopath was actually doing, that everything he told us was a lie, that we were exploited, our emotions are at a full boil. We are traumatized, disillusioned, furious, scared. We want to strike back. We want to tell the world that he is a liar. We wonder how we are going to survive. Our emotions rage back and forth between outrage and fear, worry and determination.
At this point, we need to prioritize. We need to figure out what we MUST do now, and what can wait, in fact, what MUST wait, until later.
Survival
The most important variable in deciding how to proceed is the possibility of violence. The best predictor of future violence is past violence. If the sociopath has been violent in the past—even if it wasn’t directed towards you—you must assume that he could be violent in the future, and you may be the target.
If you (and your children) are in physical danger, you need to do whatever will protect your safety. If the sociopath has committed crimes for which he is likely to be arrested and jailed, report them. But if his offenses are such that authorities are likely to regard them as a case of “he said-she said,” or he’s likely to get out on bail and come after you—well, it may be better not to poke the hornet’s nest.
Your first priority is survival. As long as you are alive, everything else can be addressed later.
Stability
Your second priority is stability. Many of us have been financially wiped out by the sociopaths. If you’re in this position, you need to take steps to insure your economic survival. If you’re married to the sociopath, and financially entangled, you need to figure out the best way to disengage that is healthiest for you in the long run.
In considering how far to go after the sociopath legally, here are questions to ask yourself:
- Does he have any assets? Does he have a job? Does he have documented income? If there is no money, there may be nothing to gain.
- Do you have proof of his money? If not, can you get it?
- Can you afford a legal battle? If not, perhaps you should just walk away.
- Can he afford a legal battle? Does he have a history of filing lawsuits? If he does, he’s likely to relish going to court, and will drag out the proceedings, costing you money.
- Do you have children with him? If yes, one of these two scenarios is likely: Either he will abandon his responsibilities and fail to pay child support, or he will maintain contact and use the children as pawns to torment you.
Your ultimate goal should be to get rid of the sociopath and move on with your life. Any financial or legal actions you take against him should support that goal.
Emotional recovery
An experience with a sociopath leaves us feeling like we’ve been through a meat grinder. Anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, fear, outrage, even numbness—we probably cycle through all of them.
It’s exhausting.
We need to find our peace of mind. For some of us, it may be the first time that we consciously pursue peace of mind. Many of us were filled with vulnerability and turmoil, which attracted the sociopaths in the first place.
In deciding how far to go after the sociopath, therefore, we must also consider our emotional recovery. Lovefraud’s standard advice for recovery from the sociopath is No Contact—not having any interaction at all with him. No conversations. No phone calls. No email. No in-person encounters.
Going after the sociopath may entail some kind of contact. If you go to court, you’ll have to deal with him. If you want to expose him on the Internet, you may need to monitor his Facebook page. This means, as we say on Lovefraud, you are “renting him space in your head.” Thinking about the sociopath is a form of contact.
On the other hand, going after him may be important to your emotional recovery. By doing it, you are not allowing him to walk all over you. Standing up to him may benefit your self-esteem, and allow you to recover your identity.
Only you know what you need.
Making the sociopath accountable
Personally, I think it’s important to do what you can to make the sociopath accountable for his destructive actions. BUT you may want to think carefully about WHEN and HOW you take action.
If you have evidence that the sociopath committed a crime, report him to the authorities. Maybe the crime you report isn’t prosecuted, but it could help establish his pattern of behavior if another person reports a crime.
If, like many Lovefraud readers, you don’t want the sociopath to do to someone else what he did to you, you may want to warn the next victim, or expose the sociopath. I’ve written previously on both of these topics:
Letters to Lovefraud: Should I warn the next victim?
Perhaps you can’t take action against the sociopath right away because you need to attend to your own safety, stability and recovery. But maybe, when you are stronger, you can do something to stop the exploitative behavior.
Sociopaths get away with their immoral, unethical and sometimes criminal behavior because people do not stand up to them. So I think that when we can do so safely, we should speak up and take action. Sociopaths will continue their destructive behavior until they are stopped.
Coping…..it’s OKAY. There IS value for you…..it get’ s you thinking. Thinking about YOU!
It took my spath kidnapping our kids for me to learn a quik study in self control and discipline. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever learned! (It was truely a blessing, due to what was round the corner for me).
You’ll get it……just keep looking into yourself and look at ‘why’ you want to participate…..and what you are getting from it.
Once you grasp it, don’t let go……other situations will arise and you can pull from the empowerment you got ‘the first time’ you felt successful at the ‘game’.
It’s not about THEM…..nothing they say/do will mean anything…..it’s about YOU….and YOU KNOW YOU!
XXOO
skylar
yes they can’t kill their mothers. but seem to have no problem trying to kill us. mine kept trying to arrange “accidents”. couldn’t/WOULDN’T take responsibility for ANYTHING. lucky for me b/c his half ass jobs saved my behind. 🙂
Eyah EB,
I think that’s where I learned how to let my spath hang himself… as Skylar recommended. One day I exercised self control and discipline. B/c I didn’t react as I normally did to bizarre carp, and just pretended I didn’t see it, (chose my response), my spath did what HE always does, he ratcheted it up a notch and someone caught HIM being bizarre. Opened THEIR eyes I can tell ya! I was able to get him to OUT himself in front of other people. Now though, it’s all blamed on me and his new girlfriend is helping him reestablish his reputation. They all forgive him for going overboard when living with the crazy woman. Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. Or ta da! He’s teflon man! Able to get out of anything, never accountable for anything.
If we do what we always do…..we get the same responses.
If we ‘change it up’…….others take note and it freaks em out.
Spaths like the predictable in us……they know where our buttons are placed and know when to push em….it send them into a spath frenzy when we remove the buttons OR our typical responses.
Katy…..his day will come. The teflon scratches off……
My X was killing me slowly and I had no idea. He claimed he loved my daughter and wanted to adopt her. He was the only father she ever knew, although she never lived with us. When he left me, he got all teary eyed and promised her she would always be his daughter. The only time she heard from him again was two years later, when he tried to manipulate her to hurt me. We didn’t respond (although we laughed at lot at his obviously self serving email, where he pretended he “accidentally” sent her his Christmas letter). A sociopath isn’t capable of anything but self love. Other people just aren’t real to them. The one bright spot in that is often when they aren’t getting any benefit from their “dad” status, they quickly forget they even HAVE children. The easiest way for a spath to manipulate us is to use our kids. Once they realize they can’t yank out chains that way, they are gone. I would never talk to my daughter’s sperm donor again, all communication had to be through an intermediary. Most spaths HATE disinterested third parties. The best intermediaries are survivors of spaths themselves, and can spot the manipulations the uninitiated fall for. And eventually kids grow up enough to shut the door on the spath themselves.
My daughter finally let her husband tell the sperm donor to never darken her doorway again. Since he blames me for turning her against him, I suppose now he whines about her husband. But so far he’s stayed away. She says he shows up every thirteen years, so we will see. If he does show up, she’s going to slap him with a restraining order. I’m so proud!
I am new here…wow…who knew there was a site like this. My screen name pretty much says it all from where I stand. I feel that this is the place to begin in my healing…only, I am worried I won’t be able to do it and I will live the rest of my life in this torment. THIS is part of their game…that in their absence, the games we become so accustomed to being played with us…we begin to play on ourselves…this is when you become personally acquainted with their specific level of mastery in manipulative and brainwashing skills. Being a very spiritual and empathetic (empathic) person, I have been blessed to receive messages from a higher power that have somewhat helped me to put MYSELF back together…at least give me a starting point. I guess the thing that trips me up more than anything and the words that resonate within my own head are these: “You are an intelligent, wise, and insightful person, how could YOU EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FOOLED LIKE THIS.” And along with this…comes regret over the loss of time that could have been spent in a more productive and healthy manner that I instead spent on trying to rehab something that was never right to begin with. It is one thing to “let go” of something that doesn’t work because you find that down the road, you have grown apart…there is a grieving that goes on with BOTH parties in such a split…THIS, is all one-sided and knowing there is no emotional capacity whatsoever in a sociopath…you grieve for BOTH people, you feel for BOTH people…and it is a hard pattern to break once ingrained. Even KNOWING proof-positive that this person lacks emotion, you find yourself wondering if they miss you..and hoping that they do…you wonder if the split will “wake them up”…and THIS is just more unproductive and useless time spent…and you KNOW this, and yet, you cannot help yourself because…I don’t know about YOUR sociopath, but mine (in the hooking process) presented me with a “fairy tale relationship”…it was PERFECT…never fought, laughed every day, danced to no music playing…he was romantic, he was thoughtful, he was attentive, and as I saw it, there were NO problems whatsoever in the relationship UNTIL there was…and 9 months out of it, the “other women” are still falling out of the woodwork. How does one step from THEIR reality into the truth, which is so polar? Those feelings be brought out in me, though never felt himself…were still MY FEELINGS. It was REAL to me..even though it never was to him…And, as I read other’s accounts of their experiences…a lot of times there is money, assets, and investments involved…this guy was just in it to WIN IT. Nothing more, nothing less…he had proposed marriage toward the end, but I knew that he knew that I was close to exposing him in spades and I think this was his ditch attempt to completely hook me so that he could punish me for sending him on his way by taking half of ALL THAT I HAD WORKED FOR, because his contribution to the home that we did indeed purchase together was spent in the manner of sweat equity…everything that monetarily COST anything, I purchased. Be that as it may, he voluntarily signed off on the deed and left. I think in a way, I scared HIM. Because of my innate ability to “see” things, once I began to put all the pieces together (for the last 4-5 years of a 10-year relationship), he knew that I KNEW that there was something very wrong with him…and he even admitted that there was some sort of severing between his head and his heart….but this was only because he knew that my reputation and identity in our community was upstanding and respected by a lot of people…and he knew that his wasn’t so much. So, it was his way of “confessing” he had “emotional” problems…so that he could somehow blame it down the road on some “trauma” he had been through in his life and make it seem that I was the one who made him realize it…but that it is all “fixed now” and he is “better.” WOW. Amazing. So in a way, he did rape and violate me…left me with all the financial responsibility of the home we purchased (in consideration of both incomes), and half the income to run it. And I KNOW that he secretly hopes that I fail JUST so he can laugh, but on the other hand, if I don’t, then he can say “well, I signed off on it because she wanted so badly to keep it and I was the upstanding guy, didn’t even ask for a buy-out”…so he can further build his “nice guy” persona…and make himself look victimized…so either way, it all works out FOR HIM. I have NEVER been filled with such need to seek justice in my life!! I want revenge (though I am NOT a vengeful person at all). But, I also know that Karma is a mean bitch…and she plays no favorites…and there ARE things that can be taken from them that will HURT them…maybe not emotionally, but think about what would happen to them if all of a sudden…or even slowly…everyone stopped believing anything they said…since words are their weapons…they would be defenseless and their life as they KNOW it would cease to exist…or what if those “charming attributes” they so easily project were to be taken…like that flashy smile, that swagger in their walk, that air of confidence, their talent? WOW..and because I believe so STRONGLY in a higher power…I cannot and will not EVER believe that this power would allow this kind of treatment of another human SOUL and SPIRIT without repercussion. This belief is what gets me through the day. And when I think about how stupid I was…this is what I hear in my spirit: “You are not stupid, ignorant, nor naive. You gave to him the part of you that was ME…you turned the other cheek time and time again as he continually slapped you, you made yourself nothing to build him up and attempt to help him, you forgave and gave him chance after chance to redeem himself…and now when he thinks about you, it is MY face that will haunt him. And now, when he knocks, I will say to him…I have no knowledge of you or where you come from, go away from me, you evildoer.” I wish you all just an OUNCE of healing in all of this…and lean not to your own understanding…because quite frankly, THERE IS NONE TO BE FOUND.
FightingtoForgive
I love your name. I’m sure you’ll get feedback on this site as to whether forgivveness should be your goal or not……. I’m not focusing on that so much as just trying to make sense of what happened, and moving on with better things.
Welcome to LoveFraud. I’m glad you’re here.
Athena
Welcome Fightingtoforgive, Your story sounds so familiar, but still I feel sad for what you have been through.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could of been any different. This life lesson start’s out about them and becomes more about us, sometime’s the evildoer’s are the catalyst that set’s our life on a truer path..
Thanks for sharing your story, it helped me relive the past truth and gives me pause to stop those moment’s of wishful thinking…
Fightingtoforgive: I understand your frustrations. I am also new to this site. I was absolutely shocked to learn that my story is everyone else’s too and not just an isolated event. I was unfortunately married to a spath for 17 very long years. I have two children with the spath. I tried to leave him 10 years ago, after domestic violence and a visit to the emergency room. THEY ARE VERY SICK AND DANAGEROUS.
Ten years later, I finally got out. My fear of leaving was the following: Spath told his lawyer that he could not have me, no body would. I was afraid he would seriously hurt me and our daughters. Restraining orders do not work. He violated them all of the time and got away before the police could do anything. He begged me to talk to him, so I foolishly did.
Six, short weeks later, he was back into our lives. I stayed because at the time I had very young children and was afraid of the damage he could and would cause to their mental, physical and emotional health. HUGE MISTAKE I MADE. The damage to my daughters is unbelievable. They have been brainwashed against me and my family. Spath will not let my daughters talk to my parents and they accused me of affairs, drugs, mental illness etc.
He threatened me that if I ever left him, he would leave me penniless, homeless and never see our children again and HE DID JUST THAT. I lost everything in a very difficult divorce, but I have my freedom. I have been divorced three years, moved 2x and he found me again. The man is very very sick.
You must take back your power. I finally did. Yes, they hate women, I learned this from his comments and those from other people who he interacted with. I think it may be they hate their mother, like someone suggested. STAY AWAY, do not talk, engage, anything at all. Not even emails. NOTING. It is a very vicious cycle and you will find yourself spirling downward quickly once you interact again.
My spath continues to engage and I won’t. I took a very long time for me to get to this point. I have been divorced for three years. I have to go back to court again, since spath will not comply with court orders, has no respect for authority, will not own his behavior, etc. TEXTBOOK SPATH.
Please read on the web Profile of a Sociopath and then read a malignant narcisicst. You will be very enlightened. Be careful with whom you interact with on this site. There are some very strange and damaging people out there. Be careful.
I, too, have incredible faith, and know God is always watching over me, has protected me, and continues to protect me and my children, who are now grown, HS and college. Although I have joint custody and decision-making I have not seen or heard from them in almost 3 years. He has completely brainwashed them into hating me and blaming the entire divorce on me — hardly the truth. I truly believe GOD will right the wrongs and have consequences for spaths choices. Maybe not on this earth, but certainly when we meet our CREATOR.
Yes, at times I wanted vengenance too and that is not my personality at all. I was, with him, too forgiving, exhibited too much empathy for him and wanted so badly for the marriage to work for the benefit of our daughters, and HE KNEW IT. They know us, better than we know ourselves. Do not behave the way they expect.
Not I just want peace, safety and be finished with the spath for the rest of my life. Consider yourself very very fortunate that you did not marry him or have any children. The price you paid for your home, can, and will be recovered in future. I lost everything. I also am very upset for all of the time I lost in my life. I am so very very sorry for not getting out of the marriage sooner.
How could I have not seen everything. Trust me, the evidence was present, but I, too, was blind and continued to give spath more and more chances. He lied, had more affairs than I will every know about. I got an STD, I was raped and thrown down a fight of stairs, hit in the face, had a car door slammed on me, locked in the bedroom, etc. It finally took the drugs in my food, and my friends telling me that something was very wrong. I was loosing weight so fast, and could not put a sentence together. They were so scared for me. They knew the spath and insisted that I get out. I am so grateful.
The spath would cry to me and as quickly as I could blink an eye, spath would start screaming at me and chased me down a flight of stairs and slammed the car door on me. He would have conversations with me and our children, and within a few hours, claim the conversation never took place. Mind games are part of their game. ALL OF THIS IS A GAME.
Spaths are takers, and not givers. It is all about them. When they have bled you dry, they will discard you like an old shoe. Trust God and HE will provide you comfort, hope and give you a new set of eyes to see everything. He comforts be all of the time, gives me hope and people in my path to assist me.
Like you said, trust not on your own understanding…..for My ways are not yours, way, and My thinking is not your thinking. I forgot the rest of Issiah. Read Proverbs 3:5 it will help you too. Reflect and be grateful you are out.
As much as I really worried about the other women who might encounter the spath, to this day, spath cannot even find a girl friend some three years later.
Spath shared with me, his biggest worry is about being alone — and he is, aside from the companionship of our 16 year old daughter. It is also not my responsibility to warn another women. If the opportunity is given, I may do just that, but I will not pursue that conversation in the future, if he ever gets a girlfriend. I need and YOU need to be thinking about yourself. It is now your turn. It is not selfish, it is healthy.
I hope my insight and experience will benefit you. I am, and continue to be, shocked at the number of these spaths out there. I thought this was just something I saw on TV or read in the paper. Never did I think it happens to people just like us, but is does.
THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THEM. Do not engage on any level.
I wish you the very best in the future. Reflect on the Christmas Season. The joys and hope for the future. You are now free and safe.
Hi Hens and Athena!! I agree with both of you. I especially love “forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Sounds like something Iyanla Vanzant would say. It truly helps to know that there are others out there who have experienced what I have experienced…not that I would wish it upon anyone…but unless you live it, it is hard to wrap your head around it, and even for those of us who have, it still is. One thing I have noticed is that my body has a way of telling me things…I noticed immediate relief and weightlessness when I stopped communicating with him…and noticed how agitated, sick to my stomach, anxious, and lightheaded I would feel if I saw him on the street or if he even just texted me..and that THAT feeling served to remind me of that feeling that I lived with almost the entire time I was with him and just chocked it up to run-of-the-mill stress. So, really all along, my body was trying to tell me “this isn’t right, you need to get away from this energy”, but it had become such an everyday part of my life…I got so I didn’t even pay attention anymore. So whew….I can finally breathe! And Hens…the wishful thinking is my biggest hurdle, I think. My heart and head seem to have a never-ending dialog that is argumentative in nature, but slowly, I see how my logic is taking the lead in this battle…and soon, I just pray that my heart falls COMPLETELY in line with it. I think myself so pathetic at times, but then I have to remember that this is something they just don’t teach you about and you will never understand unless you’ve been there…so it is almost a new emotional/mental frontier and every day holds within it a new dimension of clarity, but we have to travel through the muddy waters, and then allow it to settle before we reach it. I’m thankful for my new-found friends on here and to each and everyone of you…my deepest heartfelt sympathy and empathy for what you are going (or have gone) through in all of this. God’s speed!