A Lovefraud reader using the name Dawn H posted the following comment quite awhile ago. At the end of her story, she brings up important questions.
My ex and I grew up in the same small town. We were like Barbie and Ken”¦expected to marry and live happily ever after. I watched him grow from a very nice guy into a predator and a very evil person in just a few years. After our child was born he started a new wonderful job in a bank and quickly climbed the ladder to success. I put him through law school as he became distant and harsh and wouldn’t touch me. I found out he was bragging at work about secretaries’ children being his. One of his secretaries divorced her husband to sneak around with mine in sleazy motels and the whole time he was telling her that I carried a gun in my diaper bag, etc. I met and befriended her, she started fainting at work, they both got fired, and she moved away. He begged and cried and we did major counseling for a year and I dropped the divorce proceedings thinking he was well.
Over the next two or three years he was nice and took my calls at work, came home for supper, etc, but gradually grew distant and harsh again. I found out in ’04 that he had a 10-12 yr affair with another secretary from his new position as COO of a publicly traded banking company AND a woman in every port city from here to Beijing. He had been hiding his money all this time, so that when he was caught he would not have to share. He bought all his mistresses suits, jewelry, even paid for one’s house, while I had to pay utilities, my own food, my own insurance, car payment”¦everything from my teacher salary. He kept me literally broke while he was making almost half a million per yr and telling me we had no money because he was reinvesting it all in the company. If I wanted 200 for Christmas presents, he made me postdate a check for January, and he wouldn’t let go of his check until I let go of mine.
There was no intimacy for more than 15 yrs. He lied all day every day, but the strange thing was that he turned very dark. He would leave butcher knives out on the counter facing the stairs where I came down in the morning. I found out his mistress was the one who had been phone stalking me for 7 or 8 yrs, and their phone records were like 25 or 30 calls to each other every day, even though they worked side by side. At the same time he had many other young mistresses and kept them all ignorant of each other. After he was caught and we separated, he cried and became perfect all over again for a year counseling, then got caught at a sleazy motel with someone again.
I could tell that someone was breaking into my house while I was at the gym. He brought me Ultimate Woman vitamin pills with the seal broken and some missing! I found an empty Viagra box in his vanity drawer. This guy has 150 IQ. Someone was hacking into my bank records online, and I left tape recorders at the house to see what was going on there while I was out. On the phone from the house to women, he sounded like a dirty old man, talking naughty and naked and nasty. I wouldn’t have believed it was him. One day he would cry and hug the stuffing out of me apologizing, and the next day he was rude and hateful and couldn’t remember he had apologized. I knew my life was in danger and I had to change the locks etc. I had to tape record every conversation during separation and divorce proceedings, because he lied so much to attorneys, etc, that you couldn’t prove anything without recordings.
He had NO concern for our son’s feelings in any of this. The mistresses’ children grew up with him sneaking in through the fence to sleep with mommy, and the first one’s kids were calling him Daddy too. He found out this mistress aborted his child, and he doesn’t care. He told me one time during the proceedings “the girlfriend knows I do what I want and I get what I want, and she’s fine with that.” Children’s feelings are unimportant, but he is wining and dining our son now, like we’re in a contest ”¦ climbing the pyramids in Egypt ”¦ took him to the Great Wall of China ”¦ fly fishing in the Grand Canyon, etc. Bought a barge and stocks it with bongs and booze for my son’s friends, etc. No regard for the kids ”¦ it’s all about him and winning.
My interest in cases like this is, where do you draw the line? When do you bring in the attorneys and police and IRS? What about the children? If he’s been hiding money for years in other countries, are you just supposed to forget and forgive and move on? I’ve had the hardest time with that. God is so good to me, but when I start to recall all the craziness, I get shaky and lose sleep and I just can’t really go there anymore. I want to protect others from this victimization and I don’t want to be vindictive, but then again, I don’t want him hurting other young women. I would not doubt that he might be one of these trafficking guys. Did you know most of the WORLD’S trafficking is financed by middle-aged American businessmen? We need to wake up and do something quickly. This American businessman/ sociopath/ narcissist/ predator thing is getting out of hand.
Dawn H’s story is terrible. Most people would say the story is shocking, but that’s because most people are ignorant about sociopaths. All of us here at Lovefraud know that stories like Dawn’s are much more common than the uninitiated realize.
The man Dawn H described is clearly hurting many people—Dawn, her son, the bevy of mistresses, the mistresses’ kids, even American taxpayers, since the guy is hiding his money. He may even be complicit in the sordid the sex trade.
Whether our stories are as bad as Dawn’s or not, many of us ask ourselves the same questions that she asked at the end of her email: How do we respond?
We all have to find our own answers to the question. Following are the points and issues to consider. For the sake of convenience I am referring to the sociopaths as male, but they could be female as well.
Now vs. later
When we first realize what the sociopath was actually doing, that everything he told us was a lie, that we were exploited, our emotions are at a full boil. We are traumatized, disillusioned, furious, scared. We want to strike back. We want to tell the world that he is a liar. We wonder how we are going to survive. Our emotions rage back and forth between outrage and fear, worry and determination.
At this point, we need to prioritize. We need to figure out what we MUST do now, and what can wait, in fact, what MUST wait, until later.
Survival
The most important variable in deciding how to proceed is the possibility of violence. The best predictor of future violence is past violence. If the sociopath has been violent in the past—even if it wasn’t directed towards you—you must assume that he could be violent in the future, and you may be the target.
If you (and your children) are in physical danger, you need to do whatever will protect your safety. If the sociopath has committed crimes for which he is likely to be arrested and jailed, report them. But if his offenses are such that authorities are likely to regard them as a case of “he said-she said,” or he’s likely to get out on bail and come after you—well, it may be better not to poke the hornet’s nest.
Your first priority is survival. As long as you are alive, everything else can be addressed later.
Stability
Your second priority is stability. Many of us have been financially wiped out by the sociopaths. If you’re in this position, you need to take steps to insure your economic survival. If you’re married to the sociopath, and financially entangled, you need to figure out the best way to disengage that is healthiest for you in the long run.
In considering how far to go after the sociopath legally, here are questions to ask yourself:
- Does he have any assets? Does he have a job? Does he have documented income? If there is no money, there may be nothing to gain.
- Do you have proof of his money? If not, can you get it?
- Can you afford a legal battle? If not, perhaps you should just walk away.
- Can he afford a legal battle? Does he have a history of filing lawsuits? If he does, he’s likely to relish going to court, and will drag out the proceedings, costing you money.
- Do you have children with him? If yes, one of these two scenarios is likely: Either he will abandon his responsibilities and fail to pay child support, or he will maintain contact and use the children as pawns to torment you.
Your ultimate goal should be to get rid of the sociopath and move on with your life. Any financial or legal actions you take against him should support that goal.
Emotional recovery
An experience with a sociopath leaves us feeling like we’ve been through a meat grinder. Anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, fear, outrage, even numbness—we probably cycle through all of them.
It’s exhausting.
We need to find our peace of mind. For some of us, it may be the first time that we consciously pursue peace of mind. Many of us were filled with vulnerability and turmoil, which attracted the sociopaths in the first place.
In deciding how far to go after the sociopath, therefore, we must also consider our emotional recovery. Lovefraud’s standard advice for recovery from the sociopath is No Contact—not having any interaction at all with him. No conversations. No phone calls. No email. No in-person encounters.
Going after the sociopath may entail some kind of contact. If you go to court, you’ll have to deal with him. If you want to expose him on the Internet, you may need to monitor his Facebook page. This means, as we say on Lovefraud, you are “renting him space in your head.” Thinking about the sociopath is a form of contact.
On the other hand, going after him may be important to your emotional recovery. By doing it, you are not allowing him to walk all over you. Standing up to him may benefit your self-esteem, and allow you to recover your identity.
Only you know what you need.
Making the sociopath accountable
Personally, I think it’s important to do what you can to make the sociopath accountable for his destructive actions. BUT you may want to think carefully about WHEN and HOW you take action.
If you have evidence that the sociopath committed a crime, report him to the authorities. Maybe the crime you report isn’t prosecuted, but it could help establish his pattern of behavior if another person reports a crime.
If, like many Lovefraud readers, you don’t want the sociopath to do to someone else what he did to you, you may want to warn the next victim, or expose the sociopath. I’ve written previously on both of these topics:
Letters to Lovefraud: Should I warn the next victim?
Perhaps you can’t take action against the sociopath right away because you need to attend to your own safety, stability and recovery. But maybe, when you are stronger, you can do something to stop the exploitative behavior.
Sociopaths get away with their immoral, unethical and sometimes criminal behavior because people do not stand up to them. So I think that when we can do so safely, we should speak up and take action. Sociopaths will continue their destructive behavior until they are stopped.
Panther,
Great observation. Think about that.
Athena
BunnyWabbit, I can’t wait to hear the “backspath” story! We should have a thread just to share how we took down our spaths. You go, girl! OMG, what a tool he is!
BunnyWabbit,
A similar thing happened to a lady my ex-husband works with. She found naked photos, except he was posting on gay boards, and having sex with men when she was not home. This lady was pretty traumatized.
I always got a “latent homosexual” feel with my ex-sociopath. He hated women so much,and admired all of his servile male friends, that I wondered if there was more… he also had used pretty hard drugs early in his life, and that could have opened the doorway for more. Even his mother once said that she thought he might really be gay.
Anyhoo. You just never know. I think a majority of sociopaths would have no problem sleeping with anything, anytime, anywhere.
Both my father and my ex are “p”s. My father stopped giving my mom her altzheimer’s medication and her condition declined rapidly. Once I found out, I sought guardianship of her and an outside guardian was appointed (which happens when the family can’t agree). My dad did this so he could take over her pension and social security. Before she got really ill, she never let him have access to her account. He was held accountable to God finally. My mom went into a home in June, the guardianship controls her funds and my dad passed away suddenly on November 10th. I wish I could say I felt more of a loss, but I only feel the loss of my mom, as she no longer know who anyone is and even has trouble communicating at this point. I think she would have had a couple of more good years if her medication hadn’t been withheld for a year and if he hadn’t been hitting her and mentally abusing her.
Thanks for listening.
Sorry to hear that, Cathy. I’m so glad that at least the financial aspect worked out, and it seems there was a sort of divine intervention there with your dad.
Dear Cathy,
I am sorry that your mom doesn’t know any one, but in a way, I can see that as a blessing as well….chances are she doesn’t remember all the abuse she suffered at the hands of this man either.
Someone told me once that God is kind to us as we get older, as we develop wrinkles our eye sight goes….and so in a way people who are senile at least don’t live in an unhappy present. I used to manage a dementia unit in a long term care facility, and it was specially set up for the demented, and we had patients that carried around baby dolls that were their “babies” and they were reliving the times in their lives that had good memories, memories of their infants. We had another woman who was in a wheel chair and each day she got to the nurses station where she was waiting for a bus to bring her (long dead) husband. She was happy there waiting for his bus to arrive, and each meal she was escorted to the dining room to eat because his bus was late, and then she happily returned to her position waiting for the love of her life to arrive.
I know it is difficult to see your mom struggle to communicate, but communicate with her now by touch. (((hugs))) and God bless at least she is safe from him, and he is facing his karma.
My father is a sociopath that has been tormenting me and my family for over 26 years. I am the oldest of 9 children, and I’ve witnessed the bad apple ruining the rest first-hand. As far back as I can remember, he’s been a completely self-minded entity, with no regard for anyone’s emotions (duh! he’s a spath). However, for the longest time, I had no way to do anything about the threats, the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. Until I began covertly organizing my siblings to take secret videos of him with their iPods and camera phones.
I have personally captured footage of him hitting my mother with a book in the head, and my little sister who is only 12 years old has captured video of him pushing, shoving, and threatening to kill my younger brother. It’s common behavior for him to do this, but we never had a way to do anything about it. In my own life, I’ve been threatened with death, punched repeatedly, shoved, chased, threatened with chairs, beaten as a small child, thrown up stairs, and harassed continuously emotionally. But I could never document any of these moments because I was in the middle of the abuse, and there were no camera phones back when I was a kid.
But I have a plan. I call it the Triple Exposure. Since there are only two ways for a sociopath to leave you alone (death or total disconnection) and I’m not a criminal, I decided to expose him to the entire world in a three-part process. First, all his friends and family (basically, anyone that has had any contact with him) will receive a packet that contains a DVD of the footage that documents his abuse, an explanatory letter that exposes who he is and why I’m taking action, and a chart that shows how his behavior matches that of a sociopath. I plan on also including as many scientific articles about sociopaths in the packet as well, so that people who are unfamiliar with the concept can delve into it.
Next, I will send the packet to appropriate govt. workers and get a case against him started. I have been in contact with a very good woman at a domestic violence coalition who will help me take the appropriate steps and foolproof the plan.
Lastly, I will post all the videos and my letter online. Much like Donna of Lovefraud, I will expose him to the masses. I want there to be no place he can run; of course, I know that worldwide recognition is a hard thing to accomplish, but I’m going to post his face everywhere.
However, there have been timing issues. He is a builder, and he’s currently building a house for himself and my poor mother, who is nothing more than the shell of a woman these days. A place in the country where he can have complete control of her and no one will hear her scream and cry. So, I’ve decided it’s best to wait until the house is somewhat completed to enact the plan. That way, with a little work, my united front of siblings and I can complete the house and they will have a place to stay. My mother will get a job, and the rest of us will work to make things work financially. Also, hopefully we will receive support from our dear family and friends.
I’ve also considered safety. When the plan drops, my mother and the younger siblings will be in a different state on “vacation” at a completely different place than he thinks she’s at. My brother and I, my fellow soldier in arms, will either be with her to protect her or hunkered down somewhere nearby monitoring his movements. By then, both of us will be carrying concealed carry permits for handguns. I already have mine, and have been carrying for sometime now, but he needs one as well. All precautionary, for my father has been known to threaten us with his semi-auto shotgun on numerous occasions, as well as strangers he encounters and fellow drivers on the road. He is not someone to be fucked with.
So, anyways, that’s my plan. The three-pronged expose that will have him running for the hills, I hope. He doesn’t dare go to court against me because I am smarter than him, more eloquent than him, and, most of all, I have the video evidence. Plus, every single child has vowed that they will testify against him. Of course, I will have to prep them before the hearing (if he even attends) so that they understand the process of what will occur and also just to prepare them emotionally so that they are not intimidated and that they speak the truth. Courtrooms can be intimidating, especially for young kids, especially when their oppressor is sitting there in a suit, staring them down with murder in his eyes.
God be with us.
KatyDid / Matt,
I am in the same position financially. Two businesses, no taxes filed for 3 years, house of cards, little income supposedly, has taken the new house for himself- which I am sure he planned long ago. Has the BEST of everything.
Yes- Matt – it’s me – the same Newlife 08 in the same spot for 3 1/2 years and on second lawyer. $70,000.00 in lawyer bills I will never be able to pay. Why is it the courts allow these N/P’s to victimize us all over again through the system.
We have sold property but the equity was eaten up by his liens. We have the marital home to sell since I cannot continue living next to his SKANK – but we owe more on the re-mortgage he orchestrated than the home is now worth.
He claims his construction business is now defunct – but his guys are working. He has siphened off his best accounts to one of his own workers who has now established his own “company”. I KNOW the N is working through this guy – but can’t prove it.
Innocent spouse is not so easy for the IRS to recognize from what I’ve been told. As wives, we are culpable for NOT knowing what he was doing.
No justice – he is getting away with it all so far !!!!
Good luck, SOS! I hope your plan works. Stay safe.
Donna-
To The Phoenix,
No ”“ a sociopath will never feel remorse for the wreckage they cause. But I do think, when possible, they should feel consequences.
With all due respect, they won’t feel anything. I think we have all agreed that spaths don’t feel. Maybe ‘Suffer’ the consequences is the terminology you were thinking of. Jail time, fines, etc. are one way of hitting them, not so much where it hurts, but where it counts.