A Lovefraud reader using the name Dawn H posted the following comment quite awhile ago. At the end of her story, she brings up important questions.
My ex and I grew up in the same small town. We were like Barbie and Ken”¦expected to marry and live happily ever after. I watched him grow from a very nice guy into a predator and a very evil person in just a few years. After our child was born he started a new wonderful job in a bank and quickly climbed the ladder to success. I put him through law school as he became distant and harsh and wouldn’t touch me. I found out he was bragging at work about secretaries’ children being his. One of his secretaries divorced her husband to sneak around with mine in sleazy motels and the whole time he was telling her that I carried a gun in my diaper bag, etc. I met and befriended her, she started fainting at work, they both got fired, and she moved away. He begged and cried and we did major counseling for a year and I dropped the divorce proceedings thinking he was well.
Over the next two or three years he was nice and took my calls at work, came home for supper, etc, but gradually grew distant and harsh again. I found out in ’04 that he had a 10-12 yr affair with another secretary from his new position as COO of a publicly traded banking company AND a woman in every port city from here to Beijing. He had been hiding his money all this time, so that when he was caught he would not have to share. He bought all his mistresses suits, jewelry, even paid for one’s house, while I had to pay utilities, my own food, my own insurance, car payment”¦everything from my teacher salary. He kept me literally broke while he was making almost half a million per yr and telling me we had no money because he was reinvesting it all in the company. If I wanted 200 for Christmas presents, he made me postdate a check for January, and he wouldn’t let go of his check until I let go of mine.
There was no intimacy for more than 15 yrs. He lied all day every day, but the strange thing was that he turned very dark. He would leave butcher knives out on the counter facing the stairs where I came down in the morning. I found out his mistress was the one who had been phone stalking me for 7 or 8 yrs, and their phone records were like 25 or 30 calls to each other every day, even though they worked side by side. At the same time he had many other young mistresses and kept them all ignorant of each other. After he was caught and we separated, he cried and became perfect all over again for a year counseling, then got caught at a sleazy motel with someone again.
I could tell that someone was breaking into my house while I was at the gym. He brought me Ultimate Woman vitamin pills with the seal broken and some missing! I found an empty Viagra box in his vanity drawer. This guy has 150 IQ. Someone was hacking into my bank records online, and I left tape recorders at the house to see what was going on there while I was out. On the phone from the house to women, he sounded like a dirty old man, talking naughty and naked and nasty. I wouldn’t have believed it was him. One day he would cry and hug the stuffing out of me apologizing, and the next day he was rude and hateful and couldn’t remember he had apologized. I knew my life was in danger and I had to change the locks etc. I had to tape record every conversation during separation and divorce proceedings, because he lied so much to attorneys, etc, that you couldn’t prove anything without recordings.
He had NO concern for our son’s feelings in any of this. The mistresses’ children grew up with him sneaking in through the fence to sleep with mommy, and the first one’s kids were calling him Daddy too. He found out this mistress aborted his child, and he doesn’t care. He told me one time during the proceedings “the girlfriend knows I do what I want and I get what I want, and she’s fine with that.” Children’s feelings are unimportant, but he is wining and dining our son now, like we’re in a contest ”¦ climbing the pyramids in Egypt ”¦ took him to the Great Wall of China ”¦ fly fishing in the Grand Canyon, etc. Bought a barge and stocks it with bongs and booze for my son’s friends, etc. No regard for the kids ”¦ it’s all about him and winning.
My interest in cases like this is, where do you draw the line? When do you bring in the attorneys and police and IRS? What about the children? If he’s been hiding money for years in other countries, are you just supposed to forget and forgive and move on? I’ve had the hardest time with that. God is so good to me, but when I start to recall all the craziness, I get shaky and lose sleep and I just can’t really go there anymore. I want to protect others from this victimization and I don’t want to be vindictive, but then again, I don’t want him hurting other young women. I would not doubt that he might be one of these trafficking guys. Did you know most of the WORLD’S trafficking is financed by middle-aged American businessmen? We need to wake up and do something quickly. This American businessman/ sociopath/ narcissist/ predator thing is getting out of hand.
Dawn H’s story is terrible. Most people would say the story is shocking, but that’s because most people are ignorant about sociopaths. All of us here at Lovefraud know that stories like Dawn’s are much more common than the uninitiated realize.
The man Dawn H described is clearly hurting many people—Dawn, her son, the bevy of mistresses, the mistresses’ kids, even American taxpayers, since the guy is hiding his money. He may even be complicit in the sordid the sex trade.
Whether our stories are as bad as Dawn’s or not, many of us ask ourselves the same questions that she asked at the end of her email: How do we respond?
We all have to find our own answers to the question. Following are the points and issues to consider. For the sake of convenience I am referring to the sociopaths as male, but they could be female as well.
Now vs. later
When we first realize what the sociopath was actually doing, that everything he told us was a lie, that we were exploited, our emotions are at a full boil. We are traumatized, disillusioned, furious, scared. We want to strike back. We want to tell the world that he is a liar. We wonder how we are going to survive. Our emotions rage back and forth between outrage and fear, worry and determination.
At this point, we need to prioritize. We need to figure out what we MUST do now, and what can wait, in fact, what MUST wait, until later.
Survival
The most important variable in deciding how to proceed is the possibility of violence. The best predictor of future violence is past violence. If the sociopath has been violent in the past—even if it wasn’t directed towards you—you must assume that he could be violent in the future, and you may be the target.
If you (and your children) are in physical danger, you need to do whatever will protect your safety. If the sociopath has committed crimes for which he is likely to be arrested and jailed, report them. But if his offenses are such that authorities are likely to regard them as a case of “he said-she said,” or he’s likely to get out on bail and come after you—well, it may be better not to poke the hornet’s nest.
Your first priority is survival. As long as you are alive, everything else can be addressed later.
Stability
Your second priority is stability. Many of us have been financially wiped out by the sociopaths. If you’re in this position, you need to take steps to insure your economic survival. If you’re married to the sociopath, and financially entangled, you need to figure out the best way to disengage that is healthiest for you in the long run.
In considering how far to go after the sociopath legally, here are questions to ask yourself:
- Does he have any assets? Does he have a job? Does he have documented income? If there is no money, there may be nothing to gain.
- Do you have proof of his money? If not, can you get it?
- Can you afford a legal battle? If not, perhaps you should just walk away.
- Can he afford a legal battle? Does he have a history of filing lawsuits? If he does, he’s likely to relish going to court, and will drag out the proceedings, costing you money.
- Do you have children with him? If yes, one of these two scenarios is likely: Either he will abandon his responsibilities and fail to pay child support, or he will maintain contact and use the children as pawns to torment you.
Your ultimate goal should be to get rid of the sociopath and move on with your life. Any financial or legal actions you take against him should support that goal.
Emotional recovery
An experience with a sociopath leaves us feeling like we’ve been through a meat grinder. Anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, fear, outrage, even numbness—we probably cycle through all of them.
It’s exhausting.
We need to find our peace of mind. For some of us, it may be the first time that we consciously pursue peace of mind. Many of us were filled with vulnerability and turmoil, which attracted the sociopaths in the first place.
In deciding how far to go after the sociopath, therefore, we must also consider our emotional recovery. Lovefraud’s standard advice for recovery from the sociopath is No Contact—not having any interaction at all with him. No conversations. No phone calls. No email. No in-person encounters.
Going after the sociopath may entail some kind of contact. If you go to court, you’ll have to deal with him. If you want to expose him on the Internet, you may need to monitor his Facebook page. This means, as we say on Lovefraud, you are “renting him space in your head.” Thinking about the sociopath is a form of contact.
On the other hand, going after him may be important to your emotional recovery. By doing it, you are not allowing him to walk all over you. Standing up to him may benefit your self-esteem, and allow you to recover your identity.
Only you know what you need.
Making the sociopath accountable
Personally, I think it’s important to do what you can to make the sociopath accountable for his destructive actions. BUT you may want to think carefully about WHEN and HOW you take action.
If you have evidence that the sociopath committed a crime, report him to the authorities. Maybe the crime you report isn’t prosecuted, but it could help establish his pattern of behavior if another person reports a crime.
If, like many Lovefraud readers, you don’t want the sociopath to do to someone else what he did to you, you may want to warn the next victim, or expose the sociopath. I’ve written previously on both of these topics:
Letters to Lovefraud: Should I warn the next victim?
Perhaps you can’t take action against the sociopath right away because you need to attend to your own safety, stability and recovery. But maybe, when you are stronger, you can do something to stop the exploitative behavior.
Sociopaths get away with their immoral, unethical and sometimes criminal behavior because people do not stand up to them. So I think that when we can do so safely, we should speak up and take action. Sociopaths will continue their destructive behavior until they are stopped.
I was married to my ex for 33 years (from the time I was 18 until I threw all my stuff in the car at 51 and left). I never imagined he was a sociopath. I knew he was an alcoholic, an addict, a liar, a cheat and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive. I was watching a show shortly before I left him on sociopaths and the light came on. I turned to him and said, “did any of the counselors who said they couldn’t help you ever say you were a sociopath”. His response was “would it matter if I was?” I always took pity on him because he was adopted to a man who sexually abused him (if that was even true). I am so glad I had the strenght to leave. This man has had some of the best counseling available and has been in several excellent rehab programs. He doesn’t stop using drugs because he likes using drugs, even now at the age of 56 He still calls me at work (I have blocked him from my cell phone) often crying. It is all fake, I can now see through it. Any emotion he shows is just to manipulate and use people. I would never want this man to be responsible for my care should I become seriously ill.
SOS,
I think it’s great that you’re getting your siblings to film evidence of the spath. It sounds wonderful if you can expose him triple times… but the plan does sound very complex. Be careful. And the best plans are simple ones that involve alternative scenarios.
I also think it might be safer to expose him on the legal level first, before exposing him to friends and family. What will stop the friends and family from confronting him? It seems a better protection to you and your siblings and mom when the evidence is outed to legal instancies and the world rather than friends and family first.
Wow, my story seems like a compilation of every story on this post. My xspath demonstrated many of the behaviors discussed in this post. He actually ‘conned’ his employer, a municipality, into covering up his false crime report against me..a felony.. alleging I was caught ‘stalking’ his home. Although I didn’t stalk him, was not charged and the CASES closed, every time I went to court to fight this insanity, I lost…it’s called corruption. After two years of insane court battles, I ended up in jail and penniless.
I used Donna’s approach ……and waited. This Friday I have my first hearing in the US Federal District Court in Michigan for the pre-trial hearing. I am currently representing myself against four attorney’s. My lawsuit names my x, his attorney, his neighbors who assisted him in filing the false crime reports and his employer under 42 USC , Section 1983; Deprivation of Rights Under Color of Law and 42 USC, Section 1985(3) Conspiracy Against Rights.
My case asserts his employer colluded with him and conspired to deny me my 1st, 5th and 14th Amendment rights by retaliating against me for making numerous attempts to have their employee investigated for committing several felonies.
But for the conduct of spath’s police department and their city manager, none of this would have occurred.
Just about the time I was ready to give up, I met a very special Michigan State Police Captain. He believed me, has provided me with info and just wrote an Affidavit in support of my Motion for Court-assigned representation.
If you read the book ” Darker Than Night,” a recount of a horrendous crime in Michigan in 1985, he is the officer who broke the case 18 years later. In 2003, because of his amazing dedication to the victims’ families, he put two deadly psychopaths in prison for life…without one shred of physical evidence.
Every now and again, an angel shows up in our lives. I found mine. I don’t think he would have believed my story had he not understood psychopaths. No one else has…. shocking, isn’t it? LOL Wish me luck on Friday. I’m going to need it.
Oxy- true that. It is easy to get caught up in the moment and overlook those things. Probably because most of us do not feel the same twisted range of emotions over the things the spaths do. I say most of us this time, because I realize- there’s always the exceptions to the rule.
I think that getting revenge on a spath is a waste of time and energy. THEY LOVE IT. When you go after them, “the game is afoot.” Even if they lose, they don’t care because it got you to pay more attention to them. You invested more emotions into them. You showed them JUST HOW ANGRY they had made you.
It is my opinion that spaths do what they do because they have suppressed their emotions to the point where they no longer feel them, as emotions – yet they do feel them as a type of physical sensation akin to anxiety. I believe that they all suffer from alexithymia, the inability to interpret what they are feeling into words, that’s why they ACT OUT their emotions. They want to SLIME us with how they feel. They want us to feel what they feel.
Anytime you give them any emotions you are encouraging them. Ripping their masks off, rarely works. It seems to have partially worked with the daughter who exposed her spath judge father, he was removed from the bench WITH PAY. Not really a punishment, more like a vacation.
Look at Sandusky. He was exposed several times as a pedophile but nobody cared. It took over a decade of complaints before it hit the media and people cared. We’ll see how that ends.
The reason they get away with it is because there are so many other spaths who will cover for them. They’re everywhere and they cover each other’s butts.
I think the best revenge is gray rock and CLANDESTINE sabotage. All we need to do is sabotage their ability to continue their con, but never let them know it came from any human being. Let them think GOD is punishing them.
Hello to all!
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted as I had to relocate because of my ex-spath’s vindictiveness. I had no contact with him for a very long time. Again, he started trying to contact me this past summer. He was sure I would eventually give in and allow him back around my son and myself. It didn’t happen and never will. Because of that, he was enraged. He did the following:
Wrote letters to my children, ex-husband, siblings and ALL friends on Facebook claiming I was a drug addict and drug dealer. (HE is an addict and dealer as well)
Called my family doctor and told him I was selling prescription drugs. I had to to in for a pill count.
Called the local police department and told them I was a drug dealer. Consequently, I had detectives on my door step.
Reported me for medicaid fraud. He “forgot” his son MUST have insurance.
Called Child Protection Services and reported me for child neglect.
Reported me to the IRS.
Posted my full name along with claims of my being a drug dealer/addict on Facebook.
He actually bragged about all of the above on Facebook.
When my close friend blasted the spath for all of the above, he reported my friend and his wife for child neglect.
NONE of the above were true. It wasn’t about me being guilty of anything. It was about upsetting my life and making sure I was “punished” for not caring about him: aka: falling for his BS anymore.
Even though I’ve been NC for a long time and I could care less what happens to this spath, I was PISSED OFF at all of the above. Excuse my language here, but this idiot didn’t care about what he did to his son or other people I cared about. A true sociopath.
I relocated my son and myself. I knew if I stayed where I was, this would continue. I couldn’t allow my son or any more friends to be hurt. And it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I have peace and serenity. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I’ve blocked his email addresses, changed my phone number and am in the process of having the custody order modified so that if he should find us, he will only have supervised visitation with the son we had together.
I truly believe that a spath should be held accountable for his/her actions. I also know that a good part of what they do will never be known as these types of people know how to hide. BUT, sooner or later, they always slip up. Documentation is extremely important and I’ve done that. I’ve also investigated certain rumors I heard about him and found out they were true. VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE…and then kick butt and take names later. I found 9 mugshots of the spath on mugshots.com. They will be virtual to many people very soon. Working and collecting workman’s comp at the same time isn’t very smart, but he did that. I had someone take pictures of him at his place of employment.
Pure Waters: I found my “latent homosexual” on a website looking for other men. And I copied and pasted the entire profile. I agree that they will sleep with anyone to get what they want.
Here’s a kicker-the last email I received from him was a request for me to give a testimony on Zoosk for his dating profile. And I did. Need I say more? ROFLMAO!!
To Sons.of.Sociopath, BunnyWabbit and Dawn H: There’s a saying I love-“If you think I’m a bitch, wait until you meet KARMA.” Timing is everything and sometimes we just need to know that what we can’t hold them accountable for, there will come a time when the spaths will suffer. And, S.O.S., you have a good plan. I do agree with KatyDid; just make sure you cover all your bases.
I did bring in the IRS, the police and attorneys. As I’ve read through the comments above, I see many others who have done the same. We do so to protect ourselves as well as make them accountable. THE SPATHS do it to hurt us. The intentions and motives are completely the opposite.
I truly believe these individuals are aware they can’t feel and go to great lengths to feel ANY emotion. Instead, we end up feeling a plethora of negative emotions. And I thank God that I feel. I’m grateful to feel the pain because I now appreciate the joy in my life. The spaths emotions look like a flat line on a heart monitor. Ours is full of peaks and valleys. These days, I have a lot more peaks!
Donna, you’re spot on. They won’t FEEL anything. However, bringing in the above will get in the way of their non-stop manipulating and hurting others to get what they want.
Ox, good to see you on here! Your comments and suggestions are right on!
Awesome, awesome post and comments!
skylar-good stuff about their inability to feel!
carries,
yep. Mine never showed any violence, never lifted a finger against me. It was all sabotage. It was all clandestine. He had poisoned me for years and I was sick all the time. He intended for me to die of a drug over dose or an accident (like a previous gf who stepped out into traffic and died).
I never would have guessed until I knew that he was a psychopath. Then it was all clear, because that’s just WHAT THEY DO.
They are basically cowards. Sure, they will occasionally attack women or children physically. But mostly they don’t even have the balls to do that. They would rather do it under the radar.
Well that’s a game that two can play.
Skylar somewhat validates what I have repeatedly said:
JUSTICE is rare. Don’t expect it. REVENGE is a waste of energy. You are better off to build a fulfilling and blessed life than trying to exact revenge on evil. The more distance you can put between you and evil, the faster your life will improve.
BUT, I WILL NOT stand by and let him attack my daughter who did NOTHING but adore and align with him against me… and when he didn’t need her anymore, he DUMPED and DISCARDED her. Even after cutting her off, he still trots out her status, talking about her as if she mattered to him, to NEW women who are impressed with her many accomplishments and feel so sorry for him b/c I have obviously poisoned my daughter against him. NO. Truth is HE dropped his MASK to my daughter when he discarded her and now she knows him for what he is and wants NOTHING to do with him.
My first job is to get legally free of him. Hopefully the divorce, which has been HELL to obtain, will be done soon. Persistence and patience have been my companions.
It’s true. Any violence is a sign of potential greater violence in the future. As soon as I was pregnant, my socio started trying to encourage me to drive in dangerous areas during snow storms, and invited me out of the blue on hikes (I didn’t go, because my gut told me absolutely not)… not to mention directly trying to cause me to miscarriage (but, I don’t wanna talk about it, cuz it really upsets me)…
Anyhoo. It’s scary when the mask comes off, because you can see how dark and how vacant they are… it’s like nothing else. Pure evil.
(This was in reference to a post that was on this thread, and isn’t anymore. Or, was supposed to be posted on another thread.)