Did you know people actually have two brains? We have a conscious brain that produces thoughts, ideas and intention and we have an automatic, unconscious brain that produces impulses. There are advantages to having two brains. The conscious thinking brain makes us smart and deliberate but the problem is it is slow. On the other hand, the unconscious automatic brain is fast, but the impulses that arise from it are sometimes undesirable. Automatic impulses do not always serve us well.
Have you ever been walking in the woods and seen something that looked like a snake out of the corner of your eye? Notice that your heart pounds and you have that alarmed feeling even before you are aware of having “seen” something. If you had to wait to fully process the image of the snake in order to react defensively, you would likely get bitten. So the mind makes you jump at a few snake-shaped sticks because that way you will be sure to avoid stepping on the real snakes.
The part of the brain that automatically senses threats is the amygdala. The amygdala receives sensory information from every sense. It “filters” this information and automatically “decides” which perceptions represent something that is a threat to safety. Notice that the amygdala is a dynamic or changing structure. If you are relaxed and happy you are less jumpy than if you are “on edge” because you just got into an argument or drank a cup of coffee.
The job of the amygdala is to take its crude sensory perceptions and to energize you to take action to protect yourself. It energizes you because it directly controls your sympathetic nervous system and stimulates the release of stress hormones. Did you know that stress hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are actually stimulants? The action of adrenalin is similar to that of cocaine. By the way, just like stimulants can be addicting, stress which releases these stimulants can also be “addicting” for some people.
The amygdala is not just a single brain structure. It actually has many parts to it. There are different classes of things we associate with threat and fear. The main two classes of feared situations are social and non-social. There are some very outgoing people who climb mountains and yet are anxious at social gatherings. Similarly there are some socially outgoing people who are easily frightened by heights or other non-social stimuli.
People get their fears two ways. The basic activity level of the amygdala is set by genetics. That is why anxiety disorders run in families. Studies show that timid people suffer from an over active amygdala. Fearfulness can also be acquired because like I said the amygdala is a dynamic structure. PTSD is a disorder where there is an enhanced threat response.
Now here is the important part that you may not have considered. What motivational systems does your amygdala interface most with? What are you likely to do in response to threat? There are people whose amygdala is over-connected to dominance motivation. When they perceive a threat they go on the attack. There are other people whose amygdala is connected to affection motivation so when they perceive a threat, they seek out social support. For others, the anxiety is free floating and they freeze up.
If you want to observe firsthand the amygdala at work, watch the dog behavior shows on Animal Planet. As you may have read, my daughter fosters dogs and so I have had the privilege of seeing threat behaviors and how they create dog dysfunction. The dogs also help us to understand how genetics and experience interact to shape threat responses. First let’s consider the grey hound. These dogs are very fearful but in general their fear system connects with their social affiliation system. As a result, they are on average low in aggression. Both of the grey hounds we fostered ran away from our dachshund. I think these dogs have been specifically bred for non-aggression and that is why they tend to cower when afraid.
This week, we had the good luck to meet the Dog Whisperer of Connecticut he explained to me why some working dogs bite people. The answer as to why some working dogs are vicious has relevance to anxiety in humans so stick with me. My new friend raises dogs who protect us by sniffing out bombs and narcotics in the airports. He showed us some terrific dogs and demonstrated their strong temperaments that make them ideal to do their jobs. The dogs with ideal temperaments have a very strong “play” drive and they like to have fun. But they also have to be sensitive to threat so that they will alert to danger. When they sense danger, they have to be energized to face it playfully. My new friend explained to me that vicious dogs are a by-product of the desire to breed dogs that have both play drive and an adequate threat response. If a dog is easily threatened but doesn’t play it only cowers if it is like a grey hound or aggresses if it is a working dog. So what our instincts tell us to do with our fear is important.
Like people dogs also have two brains, so they can be trained some. However the unconscious brain of a dog is always stronger. If a dog has an overactive amygdala and reactive aggression it will always be potentially dangerous. To help these dogs, we need to keep them in a calm environment or give them medication.
Fortunately people can, through conscious experience modify their genetics. People who are born with social anxiety can use psychological training to reduce and even eliminate their automatic responses. In people the amygdala is dynamic.
To manage anxiety we must first identify and understand it with our conscious minds. Then we must take conscious steps to face our fears while relaxing our bodies. Repeatedly facing a feared situation causes the amygdala to stop reacting to that situation as threatening. Avoiding a feared situation only reinforces the fear. The amygdala is rewarded by avoidance behavior and senses that it did it did a good job when we avoid.
Now stop a moment to consider how anxiety operates in you personally. Are you like a vicious dog who snaps at everyone when you get wound up? Are you like a grey hound who tries to cope by cozying up to a friend? Or do you just avoid everything and everyone? My friend who is a Buddhist says, “A human life represents a great opportunity because only humans have such a great capacity for choice.” Although the pull of anxious impulses is very strong we humans luckily do not have to be ruled by them. We can use our large intentional brains to make choices. The choices we make will then shape the structure of our unconscious minds.
Next week psychopathic anxiety.
Dont you think that the shadow of the Mother is to try and readjust what was not right with her. I dont know where I got my sense of refinement and good manners. My mother did not instill that in me, but my Narcissistic Father was a person of perfection, everything had to be just so, but not a thinking of the other person kind of way. He used to tell me that I was too sensitive. Now I value that. for me good manners is a sign of refinement, not in a good breeding or monetary sense. I have met poor people who have a good sense of refinement. Who knows what goes back in our genes. I have met wealthy people who are rude and take it all for granted. But I think growing up disadvantaged made me feel that somehow I was less than everyone else. In the sixties, there werent many single mothers (my mother was) and I was one of the only single parent children at school, which somehow made feel inferior. Even now, as a single parent now, my next door neighbours hardly ever spoke to me, since the 8 years I have lived here, they had, I think, views about single mothers which are not good. But I have been a hard working and good mother and woman.
I think sometimes, we look at our lives in mirror to others and think ‘well my life doesnt seem up to much’ so maybe I am not as good as others. I do love my rebellious streak though – X
I know several women who are in dysfunctional relationships and I ask them why are you putting up with it. They say that the relationship is better than no relationship at all. Where are they getting this template from. Their Mother, all sacrificing? One of the women, her Mother who is in her eighties is still married to a Man who is very deameaning. Why is this still happening in this age? I thought the liberation of the sixties had opened Womens’ eyes. But are we still under the spell of our Mothers?
Im trying to wriggle out of my straightjacket. Dragonflies are my favourite insects. I am trying to move to a place where I can feel more myself and dare to reveal myself more to other people, my quirky, nature ways. Importantly I dont want to feel that because I have been in the minority or not had a conventional upbringing that I am no less valid (and much more interesting) than the mainstream.
My encounter with the exN made me realise just how much I was willing to subjugate myself for other people to the point I was just like a rag. But I am not a rag. I am a really lovely person and i want to celebrate my uniqueness.
I am on a roll today. An encounter with someone with personality disorder has to be a life changing event. Coupled with breast cancer, I feel like I have climbed quite a few mountains recently. I am a masculine type of woman – very strong and independent, but I never really valued my femininity. I realise my mother didnt value hers either, she allowed herself to be used and abused – but she was very tough, she had to be to bring up children alone with schizophrenia. This just all makes me realise where she was at, and where I am at.
I realise that my emotions – language of the soul – are my connection to who I have always been, and that I have learnt through my upbringing to disconnect from my inner world, my emotions, my intuition, (red flags) in the face of hardship. The next phase of my life, however long that will be, I will do my best to live in celebration and joy. I am sure life was supposed to be lived like that.
Thank you, Free, OxDrover
I don’t wish to interrupt the discussion going on, but I wanted to again express my gratitude to each and every one of you. OxDrover, I ordered & read Victor Frankles..”Man’s Search For Meaning”…because you had offered selections of that book on this website. I only read it when I was in a state of mind to be completely receptive to his experiences in a concentration camp. I didn’t munch on popcorn (as I usually do when I am reading) while reading it cause I thought that would be disrespectful. What a humbling experience for me! I can’t even imagine the life he barely lived for 3 years! And when he was freed, he left that camp with his soul and sanity intact! Truly amazing the power, strength of the human will to survive. Gotta have a rich spiritual life to help, grow through all the suffering, dont you think? Thank you for mentioning that book. I’m also now reading..”The Gift of Fear” which is horrifying yet fascinationg as well regarding our own intuitions and how to pay very, very close attention to it in an effort to protect ourselves, loved ones and stangers.
Free, I remember vividly reading your comments about your childhood and subsequent time with the Psychopath. I would like you to know that I truly empathize with you and the pain you suffered. I don’t wish to hurt you more by bringing this up, but I just wanted you to know I read it. And I care deeply for you & your stuggles and everyone else’s also. This website is a fellowship. A fellowship of caring, sharing, comfort and healing. It is so important, so significant for all of us to read the posts by Donna, ML, Dr. Steve, and Dr. Leedom and the comments presented for us. By doing so, I think we each of us realize how truly valuable we are as human beings. I know I am…now. Didn’t so much years ago, but now I know I am as significant in my existence as others are. 🙂
Beverly, you are so RIGHT about manners and refinement.
A guy I know grew up the poorest of the poor in a family that took ignorance and low intelligence to some pretty significant levels, but though he can not even write his name, he is as refined a man as there is, his manners are wonderful as he knows them. He i s generous to a fault and would do anything in the world for another person. He is universally respected by all who know him.
The phrase “poor white trash” describes a lot of people with a lot of money! He isn’t one of them.
As far as I can tell, he doesn’t feel “inferior” to a soul, regardless of how much money power or position that they have.
I also grew up pretty poor, but I didn’t realize I was poor. My X-BF P didn’t grow up a whit “poorer” than I did, but he FELT poor, and felt that people with money looked down on “poor” people.
My maternal andfather (born in 1892) grew up in SHOCK! a family where there was a divorce. His mother was committed to a mental institution and died there in 1905 (for a dietary deficiency pelagra, which causes mental problems, she also had some sort of “female” cancer which was causing her incredible pain, and she roamed the woods at night screaming with the intractable pain) so he was doubly shamed. He was brought up by his father, who had been orphaned during the civil war and lived in hand-to-mouth poverty like many third-world people today.
When he was younger, my grandfataher didn’t have a pair of pants that didn’t have a patch on them and he was ashamed to wear them to town. After he became prosperous, and had a closet full of new pants, he no longer felt “ashamed” to go to town in a pair of patched work pants—because he knew he didn’t HAVE to wear them.
Sometimes our perceptions of “poverty” are very subjective. My grandfather was a good manager of his money and worked very hard and ended up with a large parcel of land that I live on now. It had been family land, but he bought it from various estates, from his father’s, aunts and uncles etc. He ended up dying a fairly wealthy man by his standards at least.
My divorce literally left me destitute, with a kid on each hip and no assets…but though I didn’t have any money, I managed, worked hard, put myself through the rest of my college degree and have worked like a dog since—without taking a dime from anyone. Yet, I have never felt “poor” just because I didn’t have money. My kids laugh that they didn’t know stores sold clothing until they were grown, they thought that you bought it in someone else’s front yard! Neither of my two boys (not counting the P) ever felt “poor” or that people with more money or things were “better than” they were. Both are good money managers, work hard, and are not “status conscious”—and they don’t judge others by “what they have” but by what they ARE.
I’ve been around several people in my life who were among the most wealthy people in the US and some of them are Ps and/or jerks, and others are just “people” who happen to have lots of money. BIG difference there.
I guess every girl-child in the South grew up knowing what “trashy” behavior is. It is funny now, looking back, that no matter how TRASHY some of our relatives acted, especially if they were male, that term was never applied to them.
Today lots of singing and movie stars behave in ways my grandmother would have instantly labeled “trashy ways” but it seems now that it is GLORIFIED in the media, and that being “famous” or “rich” gives you a license to act that way with impunity. Many of our young people try to emulate this behavior. I sometimes think that “Ms. Manners is dead” right along with God and Santa Claus.
But at least here, at my home, both Ms Manners and God and even Santa Claus are all alive and healthy even if the rest of the world thinks they are dead or never existed!
Beverly, you go Girl! You ARE ON A ROLL and you are one heck of a woman! I want to be just like you when I grow up! (((hugs)))))
PS. As far as being “tough”—personally I think a complete woman IS TOUGH, what man could have a baby? Being able to be independent and doing what you have to to survive is not “UN-feminine”—in my opinion at least.
I can and have: trained several teams of oxen to pull a wagon, can deliver a calf or a goat, slaugheter a hog, cure the meat, shoe a horse if I have to, break the horse, plow a garden with a horse, and plant, harvest, and process the food grown there…I write poetry, paint portraits and land scapes in oil, make pottery, weave, spin thread, knit, sew a bit, have published 3 books, can shoot a gun, hunt for food (I no longer hunt for recreation) cook over a wood fire, build a barn, plumb a house, roof a house, birth a baby, sew up a wound, comfort the dying, fly an airplane—“specialization is for insects.”
And now, I can also set boundaries! Whoopie! And, I think I can thank the Ps in my life for making me see the necessity of doing so for ME! Of all the things I’ve done in my life, I think this past year has been the most significant growth and learning I have ever accomplished. And it gives me a lot of satisfaction. Cheers Beverly, here’s to your continued good health and healing!
OxDrover. You sound one helluva woman!! I love nature and animals and it takes stamina and fortitude to do what you do and your background has certainly endowed you with strength and conviction that comes through in your words. Lets celebrate our transformation. Hence the reference to dragonflies and butterflies that live a major part of their lives in another form only to be set free, on the wing, radiant in the most beautiful of colours.
Buddhists say that the most difficult people are our greatest teachers. I used to say that to my exN, and he used to look at me mystified LOL. Because he wouldnt budge an inch in his selfishness, it forced me to see where I was too slack and where I was too rigid. He didnt realise that whilst he was spinning me a dance, I was learning off the back of him and he could NOT understand it.
Oh, one other thing. I bought a secondhand book about recovering from cancer and there are alot of references to Victor Frankle in it. Basically saying, that when people gave up in their heads, their physical form (cells have consciousness) followed suit.
Free – Your friend’s neediness over rode her intuition. We’ve all been there! (((Hugs)))
Free,
You said it took you 35 years to realize you were accepting your part in being a victim. Well, I believe that only through our suffering can we reach enlightenment. IF we are receptive, accepting of ourselves and a willingness to change, to be flexible with our newfound knowledge, our experiences only then can we CHOOSE to stay on the path of righteousness
It’s not the time it took for you to love yourself, to understand how important a person you are and that you never, ever deserved to be victimized, but it’s the FACT that you finally KNOW you are. That you became resolved in searching for the truth, however painful that may be (but oh so liberating, eh?) and in the process of seeking, you now realize WHO you are, maybe broken but still a radiant, wonderful woman.
I believe that each of us has our own specific journey through life, and it’s how we utilize the lessons we learn from our experiences, whether positive or negative, to evolve into finer human beings. To serve a purpose, whatever that purpose is for each of us.
Hey, there are many folks who simply refuse to grow, to evolve, they choose to live in a perpetual state of denial to the truth, and I can’t imagine going back to that type of existence EVER! We are who we are. And I do thank the Lord for granting me eyes that now see, ears that now hear, and a heart that has always felt deeply, but focused on wrong, undeserving people. And you know the saying—better to have loved, than to never have loved at all—? To be capable of deep, pure love, the most powerful force in the universe, of people, critters, nature, music, art, everything in this beautiful world is a BILLION times more fulfilling, profound than the empty, hollow, shallow, miserable existence of Psychopaths. Oh, I don’t doubt for one single minute that they are miserable creatures. They simply don’t have the capacity for introspection, self-evaluation to comprehend the truth.
Thank you for sharing your insight, your wisdom, your struggle for self-affirmation with me and LoveFraud. I DO value you and don’t you forget it!! *hug*