Manipulation, victim-blaming and deeper meaning

When so-called experts explain what makes people susceptible to manipulation, it often sounds like victim-blaming. But in many cases, like mine, these mainstream explanations may not completely explain what happened. Yes, the person doing the manipulating has bad intentions, but there may actually be a deeper meaning for the person who is manipulated.

Wikipedia on psychological manipulation

A Lovefraud reader once sent me a link from Wikipedia on the topic of psychological manipulation. The article reflected mainstream expert views on how people engage in psychological manipulation and why their targets fall for it. 

I’m fine with Wikipedia’s descriptions of what manipulators do. But as for why people can be manipulated — I think there may be more to the story. In my case, I know there was more to the story.

The article relied heavily on three books: Who’s Pulling Your Strings?, by Harriet B. Braiker; The Psychopathology of Everyday Life, by Martin Kantor and In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, by George K. Simon.

Components of psychological manipulation

I’ve met George Simon, and he really knows his stuff. Simon says there are three components of successful psychological manipulation. They are:

1. manipulator concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.
2. manipulator knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.
3. manipulator having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.

The Wikipedia article described how manipulators control their victims. This was a catalog of all the behaviors we know so well—lying, denial, rationalization, minimization, shaming, etc., etc. Yes, I’d experienced all of them, and I imagine you have too.

Vulnerability to manipulators

The article also discussed human vulnerabilities that manipulators exploit. Here’s where I think the explanations did not match my experience.

According to Braiker, vulnerabilities that made someone susceptible to manipulation included the “disease to please,” lack of assertiveness, a blurry sense of identity and low self-reliance. No, no, no and no, that wasn’t me.

The Wikipedia article quoted George Simon as saying that susceptible people were over-conscientious, self-doubting, and had a submissive personality. I have none of those traits. The article also mentioned naivete or immaturity, defining it as “People who find it hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless, or are ‘in denial’ if they are being taken advantage of.” No, that’s not me.

I admit that I was naïve in that I didn’t know sociopaths existed before I married one, James Montgomery. But once I learned what my disordered husband was really doing, I was angry. I was not in denial. 

Too much of many traits

Then there was Kantor’s list. He described vulnerable people as too altruistic, too impressionable, too masochistic, too dependent, too greedy, too narcissistic and too much of several other traits. Of his list, most didn’t describe me, although I admit that a couple of items partially did — trust, loneliness and impulsivity.

Kantor said vulnerable people are “too trusting—people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest.” I am honest, and although I am well aware that dishonesty exists, I did not know that a man who was emphatically proclaiming his love to me would be lying.

Kantor also said vulnerable people were too lonely. Yes, I’d agree with that, but not in all aspects of my life. I was lacking a romantic partner. Otherwise, I had plenty of friends. And once in my life I was too impulsive—when I quickly said yes to James Montgomery’s marriage proposal. Otherwise, I took time to consider my decisions.

Overall, the list of vulnerabilities in this article gives the impression that only stupid, pathetic people fall for psychological manipulation. And that wasn’t me.

Meant to be

There was another reason why I allowed James Montgomery to manipulate me: It was meant to be.

When I was involved with Montgomery, it didn’t take long for me to realize that something was terribly wrong.  He was telling me how much he loved me, and how rich and successful we were going to be. But I knew that on some matters, he was lying to me. I knew he was taking my money. Eventually, I knew he was cheating.

So I prayed for guidance. I prayed to God, my higher power, my guardian angels. And I kept receiving messages to stay with him, that everything would work out just fine.

This was not wishful thinking on my part. I strenuously questioned the guidance I received. But I decided to trust my intuition and stay in the relationship — until the shocking truth was revealed. Then I bolted.

When it all hit the fan, so to speak, not only was I angry and upset with my sociopathic ex-husband, but I was also angry and upset about the guidance I had received. I couldn’t understand it. I was clearly told to stay in my marriage. I did, and my situation became worse.

Deeper meaning

Okay, here’s where I’m going to ask you to hang in while I explain what is going on. 

We come into this world with important spiritual and energetic lessons to learn, so sometimes there is a deeper meaning for the events in our lives. That’s what I experienced.

Here’s what happens: As I explained in my video called, True Recovery from Betrayal, we are both physical and energetic beings. Along with our physical bodies, we have what you could call energy bodies — layers of energy that start within us and expand outward. 

Whenever we experience painful emotions or betrayal, the event can create a disturbance in our energetic fields. These disturbances stay with us until we release them. One way to release the disturbances is by allowing ourselves to truly experience the pain. Of course, no one wants to do this, because it hurts. So we may carry these disturbances in our energetic fields for years, decades and even lifetimes. 

Eventually, our higher knowing decides that it’s time to get rid of the energetic disturbances. To do this, our higher knowing arranges for us to encounter even more pain and betrayal, until it hurts so badly that we can no longer contain the negative emotions, and they come pouring out.

With that, we are free.

This is why, even though I knew something was terribly wrong with my marriage, I kept getting messages to stay in it. Then everything fell apart. When I demanded to know why I was told to stick it out, Guidance said that if I had left earlier, I wouldn’t have learned the lesson.

I followed my Guidance

So back to the manipulation. Was I lonely, naïve and impulsive? Perhaps — but these traits drew me into the situation, which was an important step for my personal journey to wholeness. I was not a victim. I followed the path that my soul, and Guidance, laid out.

The journey was painful, but also fruitful. I was able to heal the deep wounds, which enabled me to move toward what I deeply wanted. I am now happier and more fulfilled than I ever was before the experience.

No, I wasn’t impressionable, dependent or self-doubting. In the end, I did what I was supposed to do. It may look foolish from an earthly perspective, but my involvement with James Montgomery was right for my personal and spiritual growth.

Read all about my journey in Love Fraud — how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. For your FREE autographed copy, click here.