By Ox Drover
Sometimes former victims of psychopaths have voiced to me that they just want others to know that the psychopath was not the victim, but the abuser. Former victims are frustrated that others don’t recognize someone is an abuser. Many times the actual victim has instead been painted by the real abuser as the “bad guy.”
I remember reading a letter from my psychopathic son from his prison cell who told me in the letter he knew that I had to be the one who was “wrong” because he got along with everyone in the family circle and I got along with no one, so therefore I had to be the one “in the wrong.”
Well, democratically voting on something does not make something “right,” it only means that something is “popular—”but not necessarily right. Back in the days when everyone thought the world was flat, and Columbus was about the only one that thought it was “round,” popular opinion did not change the shape of the earth! While in this country we are proud of our democratic system of government, voting on something is not always the most “fair” way to pick a choice. Sometimes “democracy” is like two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner tonight! The bad guys gang up on the weaker ones and take advantage, but that doesn’t make it “fair” or right.
One of the most frequent ploys of the psychopathic abuser is to initiate what is frequently referred to as “the smear campaign.” This may actually start behind the victim’s back while there is active victimization going on between the abuser and the victim, or it may start after the victim has either escaped or been discarded by the psychopath. The psychopath starts to talk badly about the victim to others in their circle, to destroy the credibility of the victim so that if and when the victim starts to talk about him/her to others, they are viewed as the scorned lover or business partner spreading hateful rumors, when in fact, just the opposite is true.
Unfortunately, many times by the time the actual victim realizes that the lies have been spread about them, the damage is done and there is no effective way to counter the damage done by the abuser and their duped accomplices. Many times these accomplices of the abuser are actually unaware that they are accomplices, and are acting in good faith to “protect” what they perceive as a “victim” from the person they now consider an abuser.
The abuser/psychopath recruits as many of these unsuspecting accomplices as possible so that the “consensus” of opinion is that “all these people can’t be wrong.” The sheer numbers of supporters that a psychopath can sometimes recruit is unbelievable. The “gang mentality” takes over sometimes, and the poor legitimate victim is victimized again by having their reputation besmirched. Sometimes they lose their livelihoods, as well as their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Our reputation is important to most of us, and our self-confidence is also important to us, and the strength of an attack from not only the psychopathic adversary, but their dupes and accomplices as well, can destroy that reputation and self-confidence. Sometimes it destroys lives.
In order to survive this attack, we must first understand that “might (and numbers) does not make right.” We must also understand that we can validate the truth, and that our own validation of that truth may be the only validation that we can obtain. We may not be able to convince “others” that we were not the abuser; we may not be able to publicly verify that we were the one who suffered unjustly. We may not be able to prove in a court of law that we were the victims of a psychopath. We may have to raise our heads and to walk away from the situation, emotionally wounded and bleeding, while we see our abuser “skip off merrily into the sunset,” apparently none the worse for wear.
Life isn’t always “fair” and many times those who most deserve justice seem to get the least of it, but we can achieve closure within ourselves. We can find validation of our own personal truths, and no matter what the “vote” is, it doesn’t change that truth. It can be enough to sustain us.
Dear Superkid,
Look at the up side and the down side.
UP: Not a damn thing positive about anyone having a relationship with a narcissistic person
Down Side: They will be put down, humiliated, made to feel inferior
So I agree 100% with One/Joy, an absolute, total NO! NO!!!! NEVER!!!!
Just because they are related to her by blood doesn’t mean that they would benefit by knowing her.
Thanks Oxy,
sometimes when I do the whole “light-hearted asking” thing, it feels like I am doing less than my best to encourage the relationship. And less than my best to teach the kids that relationships require EFFORT on the parts of those involved. I know that as long as WE keep making the effort, they will be only to happy to continue, but as with their Dad, it smacks of “when it is convenient”, or “when THEY are having a moment of missing the kids” (selfish – and oh so clear to me now that my ex never stood a chance to develop normally). I don’t want to teach my kids to behave that way towards people, but I also don’t want to teach them to chase after people who are not worth it…but thank you because yesterday was hurtful, and on top of it, by now, have learned that the kids’ upset just resurfaces later…and pray for there to come a point where they don’t even notice it. I do reinforce all the time, whenever there is a natural segue, that their own intrinsic value is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of them. My daughter had a huge upset the other night, and so desperately just wanted to scream “Your Dad is a SP, and no he CAN’T LOVE YOU, because he is BROKEN – pay him NO MIND because he is a LOSER” because in truth, his sister saying it to me was what kickstarted my recovery. But I know she is too young for all that, and don’t want to damage her further. So I bite my tongue and struggle with what to say or do, and try to just listen to her vent, and get a handle on some of what is going through her mind, and heart, and also to repeat the mantra about her own self-worth. Hopefully it will sink in – sometimes I think that what I say/do has so much less impact than what he doesn’t say/do. But thanks Ox Drover for the encouragment.
And Superkid, for what it’s worth. also a resounding No! I do not see why we should introduce people into our children’s lives who will surely show our children how to disrespect us as people. That is confusing for kids, and anyway, it is hard enough for us as parents already.
My response to Oxdrover’s message, “democratically voting on something does not make something “right,” it only means that something is “popular—”but not necessarily right”
.. I agree, unanimous votes do not mean the decision was “right” .. Too often, unanimous voting results in “Group Think” or the DELPHI TECHNIQUE .. using what I think .. and have experienced, personally, again and again, as NARCICCISTIC/SPATHIC and SHORT-SIGHTED methods.., used too often in the corporate work force, to reach decisions where all parties contributions/innovations/thoughts do not even enter the picture .. do not even matter..where certain parties inputs/contributions are not even considered, before arriving at the decision (I know..I experienced this numerous times, for more than 10 years, as a tech editor. Typically, the “unanimous decision” was reached among my peers, more than 10 years my junior (was this age discrimination?) Too much corporate bullying out there finally swore me off, after 30 years in corporate work, from seeking jobs in corporations (I chose, instead & finally, to work as an artist, on many levels.) Read, on the net, about both terms. Ya’ll might come out more enlightened.
Dear Zim,
My late husband used to say that a “Camel is a horse designed by a committee…everyone has to get their hump on it” and that is about right I think….rule by consensus and trying to keep everyone happy is such a bunch of clap trap….the politics of it just makes me want to puke! I am so glad to be out of it, and not have to put up with it in order to “pay the rent” any more….one of the WORST groups of bullying are nurses, and nurses and doctors, and I noticed this years ago, now it is being actually RESEARCHED about how this bullying by nurses of nurses adversely effects patient care…and of course with physicians bullying nurses it is all to much adversely effecting patient outcomes….I fought it all my career…sometimes I “won” sometimes I didn’t, but it was always a FIGHT to protect the patient….I never did learn to “go with the flow” and not let it bother me though…but I am just so glad to be out of it.
Glad that you have been able to make a place for yourself as well.
I used to think that there must be something wrong with me because of that kind of thing, but now I realize that there wasn’t, it wasn’t me, it was the system and the bullies….but on the other hand too, we have to learn to live and survive in a hostile environment in this world because there ARE bullies.
I have a question. My ex has succeeded with his smear compaign in my community and with family. They are lies and some very hard to prove are not true. However, how does it make me different? I share the sociopathic traits and devastating acts that harmed me and my children with others. I do so out of desparation for validation and for support of my grief and anger. I also do it because I keep thinking someone else must have been harmed locally and will come out. I don’t want to feel alone. I also speak up because I am passionate about not letting this happen to someone else who has ever crossed my path. I educate because I want to help others avoid my mistakes. I do say horrible things about my ex and they are “right” even if they lack “might” Then I cling to those who get it or who saw through his deception. Leaves me with a more pain when some I trusted just can’t comprehend it because of his charisma and status. My ex husband, a physician, appears as the model father and jilted husband. I was 8 months pregnant when I discovered he had been cheating on me. During the divorce I learned that my life was a lie for 18 years, gambling, stock jockie behavior, prescription and illegal drug purchases/abuse, previous multiple affairs. The intuitions were true, just extremely underestimated to what was really going on. These items became fact. Two others have not been proven…he slept with my son when he was 7 to 10 and my son had extreme anxiety, vomiting every morning and descriptions of sexual sensations that disturbed him. Later he was plagued by compulsive behaviors upon puberty. I also believe that his contact for 18 years with a man who he moved here to be near was more than a friendship. I do not share these 2 points with anyone. The other crimes against me and my 3 sons I do share. It seems unfair that I condemn his behavior when I speak so negatively of him. He madeg me look like I”m the crazy one with the perfect life and husband, who had affairs all through the marriage and left him when I had post partum depression. He pretended that we were not separated, going as far a sleeping in our home when he family came for holidays. He promised it was best for noone to know of the separation bc we would get back together and should avoid future stigma. Well, he hid it because I separated when I had a 12 week old baby, after discovering more evidence. It woudn’t have worked as well when he claimed I was having an affair when I was nursing a new baby and recovering from childbirth. And everyone knew that I had severe pregnancy sickness most of the 9 months. I wonder if that was my body’s alarm system being married to a dangerous, unhealthy man! So, how do the lovefraud readers cope with their P/S smear campaign and your attempt to get validation by telling the truth?
Yes, Ox…you have explained that situation so completely.
I had/have done absolutely NOTHING to sp but care and help…when I could have destroyed, I didn’t. THAT is when MY destruction or attempt at it occurred.
Yes, just the exact same complaints and stories “I” heard about the other women in his life, I just KNOW ‘other women’ have heard all the stories about “ME”. “I” have received stalking and harrassment from the ‘new victims’ and it continues to this moment. “I” was the bad guy yet it was “I’ who was the target of his ‘loving and unsuspecting murder attempt’.
When I confronted him about it, he said chilling and unspeakable things I can’t repeat here for legal reasons. Perhaps someday I can adequately explain the hell I have just come through with this sick person. And, the sad part about this is that he is free to roam and continue on with his webs of mass deception, using people, phishing on the internet for unsuspecting, vulnerable women who believe in the lie just the same as I did.
They usually don’t get caught; you know this; right? Unless there are extenuating circumstances: murder attempts; physical abuse, etc. And they don’t like legalities. They just want to dupe and dump you and move on, once they realize you are ‘on to’ them. You are hated and used up. They tell horrendous lies about you and the scarey part is: no amount of your defending or explaining yourself to them or others will work. They have convinced themselves the lies they tell about you. I have seen this and believe it; I have experienced it.
Especially if they have any kind of drug habit or alcoholism going on – the lies they tell about you, they actually come to believe. This only deepens their disdain towards us thereby making us vulnerable to injury. I truly believe they will hurt you if you give them the chance, especially if they are worried or scared that you may have plans on legally nipping them in the ass.
My sp and I never shared a common circle of friends and/or acquaintances. He was always ‘away’ and/or somewhere else unless he wanted to be here for one reason or another. I was the only ‘constant’ in his life for a long, long time. Unconditionally, yes and very foolishly. That only lead him to believe that I was a big, fat, laughing JOKE to him while he continued to phish – one moment telling me how he wanted to save his marriage and while I was the good little worker bee and tried to put it back together for him, the best I could – I even got a strong ‘maybe’ from his wife, regarding meeting with him – even after all of THAT, he dumped me and her over and went to someone he had been planning a secret life with for a long, long time. Someone just like himself.
We may see THEM on ID sometime, you just never know!
There definitely are several stories around THIS COUPLE!
But, make no mistake about this: I WILL prosecute in my own good time. Attempted murder charges are open for life. Since I am already dying from a major heart condition, I choose to not waste what life I have left on any criminal actions until at my demise. And, oh yes, it is completely true and I absolutely mean it and have made this QUITE clear to BOTH HIM AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND because she was instigating it.
Yah, try THAT triangulation on for size…
And I have known this JERK for many many years.
There has ALWAYS been another women, if not several, in the picture. He always goes with the one who can do the most for him and doesn’t care who it hurts.
So, I was fortunate we didn’t share ‘commonalities’ much. He was always away from me, the majority of the time, but controlled me emotionally and mentally for just about five years. For five years I was held captive inside my own mind.
THAT is how you KNOW you have just been ‘had’ by a psychopath. The thoughts.
I am now just living my life, the best I possibly can, while all the while, wrapping up a legal case that I completely and fully INTEND to follow through with. He just doesn’t know when it’s coming but he knows I mean what I say. He is not a happy person, I am sure.
I receive threatening messages from him, from time to time, to “lay it down”; “give it up”; leave it alone and get a life…
Yah, yah, yah….just bring it on over, sick-o….
The last time he was here he was surrounded by half the police force – just WHAT would happen the next time?! 🙂
No; I do not tolerate any more of this in my life.
He deserves to be in the shit pot he is in and I am just done with
it and if it doesn’t stop, I will continue on with my legalities.
We must empower ourselves again. They ruined our perception of all that is right and just but if we empower ourselves and refuse to participate with them, we will find peace on the other side of all the pain, questions and ‘coming out’ that they have left us with.
Thanks, Ox: excellent post. You touched a facet of all this that has not been brought up before. Yes; absolutely. 🙂
DUPED
Dear Carla,
Coping with the smear campaign is a difficult thing to do because unfortunately by the time we are trying to clean up the mess, they have already smeared us, made us look crazy liars, and it is more MUCH MORE difficult to restore a reputation than it is to tear one down, and because he “got there first” with the lies, the truth is that many times we cannot restore our reputation even with our family and our former friends….people who should have “known better.”
I wish I could be more positive for you, but the truth in this case is not really positive.
However, I do suggest that you continue to EDUCATE YOURSELF maintain NO contact with this man unless you are required to as a co-parent with a child with this man, hold your head up, and for the time being at least, focus on healing yourself rather than trying to get validation from others.
GET INTO THERAPY…with a therapist who understands what a psychopath is. Get your kid into therapy as well. PUT YOURSELF FIRST FOR NOW….Knowledge is power so read and learn. God bless.
I TOTALLY ROCKED my hearing this morning-killed. I was so awesome that I freaked out myself. The hospital sent an HR generalist that wasn’t familiar with the case and my young smart attorney backed her into a corner and she got defensive. My statement consisted of telling the gist of the case as it happened in the room. I was experienced, professional, intelligent, cool-headed, unemotional, and gave a detailed account of what happened. I included dosages and a lot of data and explained it so well so that all the non-medical people were able to understand. The judge said that it is apparent that I am highly knowledgeable and experienced with the drug in question and the defending attorney had nothing to say after I was done. The HR generalist made a defensive statement at the end in summary, and all it did was make her look completely inept. I almost felt bad for her.
I just got a huge hug from my girl and I told her she would have been so proud of me. She worked hard coaching me on my speaking and how I needed to come across with these people. She said it made her day on the way to the office to hear about it and she was really glad in the fact that she had a part in making me do well. I hope the rest of this day goes as well as it did this morning.
Lizzy,
When will you find out if you “won”?
Congratulations on doing well.
I still am not sure who “my girl” is that you keep referring to. Is this the neighbor woman you were all upset about a while back?
Anyway, congratulations! Hope you win!
(((((((((((((((Liz))))))))))))))))))))
whhhhhoooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo!
I’m so happy! you made my day too! *skylar jumps up and down*
Don’t you just love those days, when you are so awesome that you barely recognize yourself?
I can’t wait to hear more good news from you.