By Ox Drover
Sometimes former victims of psychopaths have voiced to me that they just want others to know that the psychopath was not the victim, but the abuser. Former victims are frustrated that others don’t recognize someone is an abuser. Many times the actual victim has instead been painted by the real abuser as the “bad guy.”
I remember reading a letter from my psychopathic son from his prison cell who told me in the letter he knew that I had to be the one who was “wrong” because he got along with everyone in the family circle and I got along with no one, so therefore I had to be the one “in the wrong.”
Well, democratically voting on something does not make something “right,” it only means that something is “popular—”but not necessarily right. Back in the days when everyone thought the world was flat, and Columbus was about the only one that thought it was “round,” popular opinion did not change the shape of the earth! While in this country we are proud of our democratic system of government, voting on something is not always the most “fair” way to pick a choice. Sometimes “democracy” is like two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner tonight! The bad guys gang up on the weaker ones and take advantage, but that doesn’t make it “fair” or right.
One of the most frequent ploys of the psychopathic abuser is to initiate what is frequently referred to as “the smear campaign.” This may actually start behind the victim’s back while there is active victimization going on between the abuser and the victim, or it may start after the victim has either escaped or been discarded by the psychopath. The psychopath starts to talk badly about the victim to others in their circle, to destroy the credibility of the victim so that if and when the victim starts to talk about him/her to others, they are viewed as the scorned lover or business partner spreading hateful rumors, when in fact, just the opposite is true.
Unfortunately, many times by the time the actual victim realizes that the lies have been spread about them, the damage is done and there is no effective way to counter the damage done by the abuser and their duped accomplices. Many times these accomplices of the abuser are actually unaware that they are accomplices, and are acting in good faith to “protect” what they perceive as a “victim” from the person they now consider an abuser.
The abuser/psychopath recruits as many of these unsuspecting accomplices as possible so that the “consensus” of opinion is that “all these people can’t be wrong.” The sheer numbers of supporters that a psychopath can sometimes recruit is unbelievable. The “gang mentality” takes over sometimes, and the poor legitimate victim is victimized again by having their reputation besmirched. Sometimes they lose their livelihoods, as well as their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Our reputation is important to most of us, and our self-confidence is also important to us, and the strength of an attack from not only the psychopathic adversary, but their dupes and accomplices as well, can destroy that reputation and self-confidence. Sometimes it destroys lives.
In order to survive this attack, we must first understand that “might (and numbers) does not make right.” We must also understand that we can validate the truth, and that our own validation of that truth may be the only validation that we can obtain. We may not be able to convince “others” that we were not the abuser; we may not be able to publicly verify that we were the one who suffered unjustly. We may not be able to prove in a court of law that we were the victims of a psychopath. We may have to raise our heads and to walk away from the situation, emotionally wounded and bleeding, while we see our abuser “skip off merrily into the sunset,” apparently none the worse for wear.
Life isn’t always “fair” and many times those who most deserve justice seem to get the least of it, but we can achieve closure within ourselves. We can find validation of our own personal truths, and no matter what the “vote” is, it doesn’t change that truth. It can be enough to sustain us.
Ox,
This is a very timely article for so many here enduring the smear campaigns by their P’s. I learned after my marriage with exP was over, that it was better to just walk away. Eventually, his outrageous behavior isolated him from his own family. ONce they saw his behavior, particularly towards the kids and that it didn’t line up with his words, they believed me. But by then, it was too late for me.
Thanks for posting this article Ox.
LL
Dear LL,
From what you said about your family, and their controlling ways, though, I think all his smear campaign did was to bring out the MALICE that was already there with them, so in the end, you didn’t lose any thing I don’t think.
The smear campaign also alienated me from my “family” (my egg donor and my son C) but you know what, I didn’t lose anything either….there had been malice there before the smear campaign and all the campaign did was to bring it to a BIG HEAD.
That is also the case with many of these smear campaigns…people who don’t really care about you but are “polite to your face” become rude or hateful, but they didn’t give a big rat’s behind about you anyway.
I ran into a woman at the auction one night…her daughter-in-law was my egg donor’s maid 2-3 times a week, and she was a raving BIATCH, she went around smearing me to everyone who would listen and her MIL actually verbally attacked me at the auction as I was talking to HER SISTER who is my neighbor and has known me well all my life….anyway, thishnateful woman came up and said in a HATEFUL TONE OF VOICE loud enough for bystanders to hear “WELL, that’s NOT the way I heard it!”
Well, since I did not know this woman and her oNLY CONNECTION to me or my story was her biatchy toxic daughter who was hearing and spreading rumors from my egg donor—even after my DIL and the TH-P were arrested for trying to kill son C and stealing money from egg donor—but you know, it upset me at the time, but now I realize that THIS WOMAN IS NOTIHNG ***NOTHING*** TO ME. Her daughter in law got killed a car wreck a few months later and I sent a sympathy card to the family (the mother of the maid) and they cashed my check for $100 but didn’t even acknowledge getting it with a thank you card. How’s that! I actually sent it just to see if they would acknowledge it. LOL I am such a witch! But actually I KNOW that these people spread gossip and hate about me, but I have realized that they are NOT IMPORTANT in my life. They don’t control my job, income or anything else. If they are talking about me, they are leaving others alone.
At the time though, I was SO RAW that it hurt, but now I have a completely different take on it all.
So, I KNOW THE TRUTH….my egg donor knows the truth, even though she is a liar…THE HATEFUL SISTER OF MY NEIGHBOR IS NO ONE TO ME—and my neighbor..well, I’m not sure what she believes, she’s nice to my face but in the end, NONE OF WHAT THEY BELIEVE CHANGES THE TRUTH.
Everyone in the community that even slightly knows me, knows I took care of my step dad 24/7 and my egg donor for 18 months, so they can think what they want to. I am okay with that.
In the end, LL, if we can count our REAL friends (not just acquaintences) on the fingers of both hands we are WEALTHY IN FRIENDS. People who think they have LOTS **DOZENS OR HUNDREDS** of “friends” are fooling themselves, because I can guarantee that when the chips are down, only a few–will really come through for you. Call up someone at 2 a.m. and tell them you are stranded on the freeway 100 miles from home and will they come get you? and SEE how many come! LOL Call up some of your “friends” and tell them you just lost your house and see how many will give you a place to stay for even a week.
I’ve BEEN the kind of friend that dropped everything and went to help my friends….sometimes I got shafted, sometimes they returned the favors….but you know either way, I am not going to “enable” people who don’t do as much as they can for themselves and let them “mooch” off me, but I am going to be supportive of my REAL Friends. Those others don’t matter. LLL.
Glad you enjoyed the article.
Oxy,
Once again you hit the nail on the head. Oh boy. The smear campaign is going strong. I realized that he had started this years ago, probably around 7 years ago.
I was depressed, my thyroid had stopped working and I didn’t know it. I felt like I was in a fog and was drinking one night and threated suicide. I’m embarassed that I got to that point, it seemed that everything was my fault and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy (spath kept telling me that as well). The next day spath wanted to put me in the lock down in the mental ward.
I never hurt myself, I threatened to hurt myself. Is that enough to put someone in the mental ward? I don’t think so. I begged for him to not send me away and I would get help. He was looking for a way to make me the scapegoat and him the victim. His friends always looked at me like they felt sorry for me and it took my awhile to realize that he was smearing me big time.
He was telling me how much he loved me while smearing me. “I was just worried about you”, “When I called you crazy, I didn’t literally mean crazy”. B.S.
Oxy-The validation thing was the hardest for me and I was so grateful for lovefraud and all of you here. He even pulled the wool over the eyes of a phd.
So as he continues to gather his dupes in believing that I’m loony I have to firmly believe that one day he will get his. I would like to back spath but I think it will somehow be turned against me. All the proof in the world won’t change someones mind who is under his spell. They just would not believe me.
I do admit, when the mediator asked what was wrong with him I did feel validated. I may never get that with mutual friends and not from his family but I don’t need it. As other people here have had to deal with this issue I know that you understand.
It’s really astounding how convincing they are. It’s like dark magic.
Every time I speak with spath he gives me the crapola about how he misses me and wants to get back together and loves me still. Right. I don’t know what he has to gain from convincing me to get back together but who really wants to know what goes through their heads?
Ox,
I learned a long time ago that I’m better off without the fam. I don’t have contact with ex’s fam and I don’t have contact with mine. There is no “loss” to me anymore, as far as I’m concerned, because there was nothing there to begin with. It was a painful process to let go of my bio fam. Holidays, birthdays are still very hard, but I know I’m better off. My circle that use to be, are becoming just that. USE to be. Instead, I’m meeting new people now, off this blog too and I am blessed. Going to DV group, now finally found a therapist….things feel markedly different than they did four months ago.
I was a people pleaser and a giver and I too, would do anything for anyone that needed it, shafted or not. I’ve put a lid on that for awhile so I can do some self care. I spent so much time looking after others, including my ex, that I’m pretty well exhausted. I can’t take care of others adequately unless I take care of me first. That’s HARD to do. But I can tell you that if someone REALLY needed my help, I would gladly give it, but not at the expense of myself again.
Right now, my children matter to me and those that are close to me. Very few mind you. But I’m learning to be okay with that too and count my blessings. Sometimes, it’s lonely, but I’d rather be lonely and feel a little bored at times (drama is down) than be stuck in what I was.
I think it takes guts to see deeply into yourself, cut off what isn’t good for you, and create another, healthier life. I think all of us here are doing that.
I’m really lucky, in some small way, that i was the OW with my last spath. He doesn’t want me known lol! Would be a huge red flag for new gf and you can bet she knows nothing of me. She may never find out, but it spares me the smear campaign, so in that light, I’m better off.
LL
Ox Drover,
This is another good article. The only solution is to walk away, making an effort to put the bad memories out of your mind. I have come across as an emotional wreck, probably looking like a nut at times due to how I’ve reacted. You can bet that I’ve had plenty of unpleasant things to say about the spath, not always being proud of myself. When you are forced to experience constant craziness, it’s hard not to react in a crazy manner – you’re totally off kilter, so it can be expected that you might come across as irrational, emotional, charged up.
Blue,
Spaths do things on purpose to provoke their targets. Then they stand their calmly and act as if you’re the crazy one. It’s the most insane behavior I’ve ever seen in my life.
LL
Yep, Blue and they USE THAT AGAINST US….they gaslight until we appear crazy then label us crazy—-WTF? Yep, but once we see what is going on, then we can realize that if WE DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO, THEY CAN’T MAKE US CRAZY—or appear crazy!
The best defense is to hold our heads up high and LIVE A GOOD LIFE. It is also the best revenge. They will always have a black hole for a life, even if from the outside it looks “pretty” WE KNOW it is not.
lesson learned and Ox Drover,
The spath has told me “it’s you, it’s you,” trying to get me to think that I am the one with the problem, having made this statement (to me) after confronting him about some of his misdeeds. You realize that you’re dealing with an abnormal human being – he doesn’t think straight, but CROOKED. We have all dealt with insane situations due to spaths, no doubt about it. It’s hard not to think that these folks aren’t wacko, out of touch with reality (even though they seemingly function okay). There’s just too much weirdness that goes on.
Thanks for writing this Oxy,
It’s something that also bothers me, that I was slandered and continue to be slandered, especially to the cops, so that they would attack me on command.
I need to let it go, write it down and move on.
Bluejay,
experts in psychopathy everywhere point out they’re not insane but perverted. They lack moral restrains, which makes them dangerous, not crazy. They’re people who live without deep feelings, but this doesn’t make anybody insane but disgusting and dangerous in the case of psychopaths because of their extreme cold mind and their ability to distort reality and pervert others.
They’re a variety of human being, one who manages without feelings. They’re an extreme of nature, prone since the beginning. But being realistic they’re very obvious after some months while other not psychopathic people can share their most wicked traits without having properly the disorder, and those are dangerous too.
Psychopaths provoke a great shock because they’re obviously (when looked closely and without lying to onself) faulty. But they are regretably not the only inmoral predators that exist.
Ox, thanks for this article that reminds again that point i find so important: that, whether with or without psychopath involved, all of us should learn to validate ourselves because our validation is the main validation we need, the most important because it’s the validation that really makes us stronger againt psychopaths and by-products.