By Ox Drover
Sometimes former victims of psychopaths have voiced to me that they just want others to know that the psychopath was not the victim, but the abuser. Former victims are frustrated that others don’t recognize someone is an abuser. Many times the actual victim has instead been painted by the real abuser as the “bad guy.”
I remember reading a letter from my psychopathic son from his prison cell who told me in the letter he knew that I had to be the one who was “wrong” because he got along with everyone in the family circle and I got along with no one, so therefore I had to be the one “in the wrong.”
Well, democratically voting on something does not make something “right,” it only means that something is “popular—”but not necessarily right. Back in the days when everyone thought the world was flat, and Columbus was about the only one that thought it was “round,” popular opinion did not change the shape of the earth! While in this country we are proud of our democratic system of government, voting on something is not always the most “fair” way to pick a choice. Sometimes “democracy” is like two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner tonight! The bad guys gang up on the weaker ones and take advantage, but that doesn’t make it “fair” or right.
One of the most frequent ploys of the psychopathic abuser is to initiate what is frequently referred to as “the smear campaign.” This may actually start behind the victim’s back while there is active victimization going on between the abuser and the victim, or it may start after the victim has either escaped or been discarded by the psychopath. The psychopath starts to talk badly about the victim to others in their circle, to destroy the credibility of the victim so that if and when the victim starts to talk about him/her to others, they are viewed as the scorned lover or business partner spreading hateful rumors, when in fact, just the opposite is true.
Unfortunately, many times by the time the actual victim realizes that the lies have been spread about them, the damage is done and there is no effective way to counter the damage done by the abuser and their duped accomplices. Many times these accomplices of the abuser are actually unaware that they are accomplices, and are acting in good faith to “protect” what they perceive as a “victim” from the person they now consider an abuser.
The abuser/psychopath recruits as many of these unsuspecting accomplices as possible so that the “consensus” of opinion is that “all these people can’t be wrong.” The sheer numbers of supporters that a psychopath can sometimes recruit is unbelievable. The “gang mentality” takes over sometimes, and the poor legitimate victim is victimized again by having their reputation besmirched. Sometimes they lose their livelihoods, as well as their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Our reputation is important to most of us, and our self-confidence is also important to us, and the strength of an attack from not only the psychopathic adversary, but their dupes and accomplices as well, can destroy that reputation and self-confidence. Sometimes it destroys lives.
In order to survive this attack, we must first understand that “might (and numbers) does not make right.” We must also understand that we can validate the truth, and that our own validation of that truth may be the only validation that we can obtain. We may not be able to convince “others” that we were not the abuser; we may not be able to publicly verify that we were the one who suffered unjustly. We may not be able to prove in a court of law that we were the victims of a psychopath. We may have to raise our heads and to walk away from the situation, emotionally wounded and bleeding, while we see our abuser “skip off merrily into the sunset,” apparently none the worse for wear.
Life isn’t always “fair” and many times those who most deserve justice seem to get the least of it, but we can achieve closure within ourselves. We can find validation of our own personal truths, and no matter what the “vote” is, it doesn’t change that truth. It can be enough to sustain us.
SK,
Yes, I deal with PTSD and lots of triggers. Therapy (new therapist this next week), DV group, here and the friends I’ve met here, helps me stay SANE! As well as my faith.
Thanks. But even through it all, I won’t give up hope for better!
LL
LL,
What do you mean, lots of triggers? And what is a DV group?
I really think I need more support (in person) here.
I’ve been seeing the same therapist for two years. I think she’s done a lot of good for me on the whole but with some gaps.
Today I went back to read the hundreds of emails that I exchanged with my spath over the last couple of years. It’s illuminating. I’m amazed at what I can see with a little distance from the relationship. I’m a bit pissed off, at her insistence I had at one point deleted hundreds of the emails in an attempt to go NC. Now they’re gone forever.
I can’t believe I gave this guy so much power over me. I read the ridiculous exchange of emails where I gave him SOOO much power over me! ….in the same day he says “I don’t want to see you again” and then two hours later he says “let’s go to a movie”.
WTF???
Then I ask direct questions that are not ever answered. I pour my heart out and he responds by pointing out something on CNN. Either he’s an emotional retard, or he’s incredibly cruel, or both.
I’m still in shock, I think.
Superkid,
On may 17, it will be 2 years for me and I’M still in shock too.
I’m not sure it ever goes away, or how to make it go away or if we want it to, because the life lesson is so important. I think that’s what is called PTSD.
Your spath was an emotional retard which is the same thing as being cruel. Narcissism is a state of emotionally arrested development. That kind of selfishness and manipulitveness leads to cruelty – inevitably.
I was triggered today as well. I think it was from the troll that showed up yesterday. The trigger wasn’t from the troll alone, though, it was from yet another disappointing response to it, from this board. I lost hope for humanity when I found out that spaths existed and I lose hope each time I see “normal” people allowing the BS. The troll attacked me and then used the pity ploy – “oh, you hurt my feelings” – and everyone fell for it. It’s just unbelievable. This is like the 3rd time this has happened on this board. Even Donna fell for it. How many times do suppliers have to fall for the same BS?
Superkid,
If I talked about all the triggers I have daily, I could write a book. And I won’t do that to ya lol
Pretty much as Sky described. DV is domestic violence group. It helps me huge. A lifesaver and with real life people.
About the therapist: I was working with a therapist and I really liked her, two actually that I worked with for years. But while some of it was helpful to me at the time, I realized the just the basic cognitive behavioral approach was NOT working for me. I need something a bit more intense because of the years worth of trauma I have. That requires someone skilled in several areas, PTSD being one of them. I meet a new therapist on wednesday. I didn’t get great vibes from her, but I’m going to go give it a shot and am checking around for other therapists who do have backgrounds in abuse/trauma/ and are familiar with pathology. I’m very picky now and I don’t mind therapist shopping at all, it’s just frustrating and time consuming.
About the emails. I saved all of my spaths emails. They are very triggering for me, so I choose not to read them, and as I read yours above here, they were almost WORD FOR WORD, TACTIC TO TACTIC what mine did to me. It’s amazing. It’s good for me to see those things from others because it helps me to see just how sick he really was and how sick the relationship really was. And how sick I got in it.
Keep pushing forward SK. This is a long process, but keep up your hope. It does get better, but it’s never the same.
LL
Sky
I’m sorry, I missed the troll attack yesterday. I’m a bit disorganized personally, and the way we chat all over the place, while it makes sense, it’s hard for me to keep up with it. I haven’t found a good pattern yet. I’m sorry I missed it and sorry it was a trigger.
As much as I’d love to be in love again, I can’t imagine it ever happening. I’m Soooo afraid of getting wounded again. Maybe that’s where you are too. you see a hint of the BS and it is such a disappointment.
Oh, the book is in the mail.
SK
((((((((((( Skylar ))))))))))))))))
Yea, sweetie and still pretty triggered too, I think….
Look, Sky, I love you and I know you know that. Having said that, you’ve experienced with your spath something so incredibly awful over such a long period of time, I cannot imagine. As a result of that, you have amazing wisdom that has helped me and others understand the machinations of a spath. You have probably contributed to the life saving tools to the rest of us in being able to spot them before we get hurt. I’ve been dealing with yet another spath all afternoon who has targeted me. Lovely. But because of what I know, and what I have educated myself with, as well as what I have received here from you and many others, he’s just pathetic and also, it’s actually quite funny how sad they really are. The tactics are so obvious, no one need say anything to me about mr. target happy here. He’s taken care of. And I’ve learned a lot about myself in how I’m handling it.
Anyway, after last night, I was triggered too. But not as much as you are. In thinking about why I was triggered and your response to it as well as others here, I began to feel very discouraged because what it symbolized to me, with reactions, is that there is no justice in the world and that spaths will always get away with stuff and pit us against one another.
Sky, I don’t believe that’s true. A person is a miserable human being when they have to troll an online blog, I mean, ya know? Who does that? Well, a spath does. The underlying core of spaths is UNHAPPINESS, so they have to create drama elsewhere. The situation was taken care of, apologies were given.
ONe of the things I’m dealing with right now, is the absolute pain over the reality that my spath is “happy” now with her and that he’ll go on to have a happy life, blah blah blah…no justice. Well, perhaps, to some extent that is true when you don’t have a conscience. What bothers us greatly, hurts, etc, doesn’t bother a spath at all, but ya know what? Karma. I believe it Sky, I’ve seen karma happen to two of my past spaths. It will to this one too. I may never see it, but it WILL happen. I’m choosing to walk in faith on this one. I have too.
If I think too much about the reality that he gets away with the pain he has caused, it so slows me down emotionally, physically, spiritually, I mean literally, these VERY THOUGHTS can create thoughts of wanting to just die and praying that God just takes me because what’s the point, ya know?
I’ve found myself caught up in those thoughts of utter despair. That I could never trust or love another human being again. Or that a spath gets away with something, even if briefly, my world and recovery fall apart. This situation was taken care of, Sky. Maybe not within two minutes, but it WAS and YOU got validated too. I know you know what I mean.
IN other words, I know you’ve walked hell. If you can, try to see the positives here, rather than the triggering despair that it is for you when this happens. You’re doing so much better than you were Sky. You have so much wisdom. I understand your perspective, but I DO worry that there is a sense of overwhelming gloom in that spaths do not suffer and get away with it and we all miss the red flags. Do you know what I mean?
There ARE lots of spaths in the world, Sky. There will be many more trolls here too. But I think it’s so critical to remember, that the goal they have is to create further distrust and misery that you’ve already lived. Don’t let them.
Don’t let them, Sky.
LL
((((LL)))))
you are so right. thank you.
Jesus said those who hunger and thirst for justice will have their fill. we will.
(((((((((((( Sky )))))))))))))))))
Then trust Jesus. Not a spath 🙂
Love you!
LL
LL,
I know it will work out without my help. It’s just frustrating. Not because of what people here did, but because I extrapolate our behavior to the world at large -and then multiply it by 10.
I think when Jesus said, “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”, He wasn’t talking about the spaths that crucified him. He was talking about all the other people who stood by and watched or cheered. They really were just sheeple being led by spaths. THEY were the ones who knew not, that they were enabling the hypocrite spaths.
But without the sheeple, the spaths would have no power. We need to stop giving them power. When will that happen?
i buried the earlier thread and alerted y’all to the 2nd before i had to go. I am sorry if there was pain here last night. i have to go to bed early because of the db upstairs – and i couldn’t stick around and help.
hugs,
trollcrusher