The story is shocking. On Friday, Leo Moran, 75, of Chester Township, New Jersey, was charged with the murder of Charlotte Moran, who was 74. They had been high school sweethearts and were married for 54 years. A man who grew up with Leo Moran described them as the perfect couple.
So what sparked the violence? Moran’s wife and son repeatedly insisted that he get counseling. He finally agreed to go, and then, according to his family, was not honest with the counselor.
Please stop now and read Chester man accused of killing wife of 54 years believed she was unfaithful, working against him, on NJ.com.
Sometimes we see cases of an elderly person killing his or her spouse of many years because the spouse is gravely ill and unlikely to get better. It’s almost an act of compassion rather than murder.
In this case, a few crumbs of information indicate that Leo Moran was not suffering from despair or anguish. Rather, if the reported facts are accurate, they may indicate that the man was a sociopath:
- Some neighbors thought the Morans were the perfect couple. Others thought Leo Moran was “a surly man quick to bicker.”
- Moran offered his wife a kiss, which she refused, so he beat her with a baseball bat.
- Moran said his wife was unfaithful and his family was conspiring against him.
- Moran said his wife initiated the attack and hit him in the back with the bat, but he had no bruises.
- Moran said his wife suggested they commit suicide together.
So the mask slipped, Moran became outraged by his family’s affront to his control, he allegedly beat his wife to death, and then blamed everything that happened on her. This is sociopathic behavior.
But for me, what is important is how this case disproves two generally held perceptions about sociopaths and mental health.
First, many therapists believe that sociopathy diminishes with age. I believe sociopaths never become less manipulative, although I was willing to concede that perhaps they became less violent, simply because they run out of steam. But maybe that’s not true either. Maybe they never lose their capacity for violence.
Secondly, many people, and perhaps therapists as well, have far too much faith in intervention. This is one of the most important things that we, as a society, need to thoroughly understand about sociopaths: Once they are adults, they are extremely unlikely to change.
Anger management classes won’t work. Restraining orders won’t work. Sometimes, the only sane and safe thing for people around sociopaths to do is escape.
But it’s too late for Charlotte Moran.
UPDATE:
Joyce Alexander notes that Moran’s actions may have been caused by dementia rather than sociopathy. See comments below. It turns out that she may be right—that is exactly what Moran’s attorney is saying. Read:
Attorney: Chester Township man accused of bludgeoning wife to death with a bat had mental issues, on NJ.com.
With this correction, this case brings out another important point—behavior that appears to be sociopathic may, in fact, have another cause.
Louise,
Hens is right. It’s a matter of time. It’s almost been 3 years for me. Despite the fact that I think about him about 2 dozen times a day, those 2 dozen times are not as painful as they once were. The quality of my nightmares has changed. They are not as consuming.
It’s not like I miss him. I was glad to get rid of him from day 1. It’s the betrayal that makes the experience so profound. The feeling that you woke up from a dream that you were so sure was real, makes you wonder if you will ever really be able to trust your senses again. That is the greatest betrayal- my own betrayal of my senses because I didn’t heed the warning signs that were screaming at me.. But you know what? I can trust my senses, now. MORE THAN EVER, NOW. Really. I can spot spaths across time and space. I know the signs and I know what makes them tick. So do you. Just learn to trust you.
The love bomb is the boundary. Once you get to the point where the love bomb no longer works on you, you will have made it.
I think, with time, we will get there. Every year, I get further from the fear, closer to wisdom.
If you haven’t read “the gift of fear” please do so. It isn’t really about fear. It’s about trusting yourself to take care of you.
Louise . it is ok to love someone and move on when that someone is just an ordinary person and the relationship just didnt work anymore…but remember we are not talking about ordinary people here..these are truly evil being’s..again you must learn from this and never forget ..
With regards to dementia and/or altzheimer:
I never experienced it in my family, but I witnessed the damage it did on my first ex-bf. His grandfather had suffered from it, and when the grandmother could not support him anymore, my ex’s parents took him in their appartment. He was an early teen then. Apart from the fact that he had to witness his granddad who, had been his childhood hero, detoriate, my ex had immense strong safety issues, especially when it came to emotional disputes. I once had an intense argument with him and he started to panic and rock about in some stupor over it. His panic response had partly to do with his sick grandfather at home: he would be violent at times, walk around the appartment at night and get in his bedroom while dillusional. For my ex’ as a teen his home had become an unsafe place (though he wasn’t abused). And eentually when his granddad eventually had to be hospitalized his parents made him visit, while he seriously didn’t want to.
Adults can reason away certain behaviour, because it’s an illness… but children and teens can’t. So, imo, if a parent contemplates taking their dementing relative into their home, while they still have children growing up there… I advize against it.
Darwinsmom
Thank God you brought up that point. I had forgotten it.
I kept my children away from my Gran when she was in the bad stages. It was not good for them and my Gran no longer saw them as young children anymore-but adults out to get her. Also-it can be very confusing to us-so what must it be like for a child. I wanted them to remember her when she was whole. Also as Darwinsmom says-never force them to visit. It benefits no one.
Louise
I am four and a half years out and I still think about him daily. It is really a disturbing experience to have that complete love and understanding whipped away. It left me shaken to the core. How I could have been so wrong.
I am only now starting to get a glimpse of what life can be like without him. PTSD interferes. It takes time. And it is still early days yet for you. It was not a normal relationship.
Take care
STJ
xxx
I agree with Darwinsmom and STJ.
We think it’s the right thing to take our elderly relatives in but if there are young children witnessing this behaviour it can do such a lot of damage. An ex pupil of mine…..she has gone to high school now….suffers from OCD brought on by witnessing her grandmas deterioration into dementia. The girl was only five and was traumatised so badly, she now has to live with the psychological damage on a daily basis.
My ex mother in law is in the early stages of dementia and my ex h p just emailed me over the weekend to tell me how hard his life is and that his heart is breaking. He lives with her alone.
I was so callous I just emailed back ‘what heart?’.
He had no empathy for me when I was going through it with my gran. I really pity his poor mum with him as her caregiver.
My youngest stays over with him on a Friday night and she tell me the odd things her nan says. I tell her about some of the things her great gran did and she finds it comical as I try to keep it this way. I explain that it is her illness talking and not her.
She is ok with that.
He has no SUPPLY left. I am gone-his two older kids never see him as he never kept up a relationship with them and now his work mate of 10 years has branched out on his own. I wonder why.
None of my business. But it is funny how life turns out. Four and a half years ago I thought I had lost everything. Now it seem that the reality is that it is him who has lost everything. I wonder if he will reflect now.
Just thought I’d mention.
STJ
xxx
Hens:
Thanks, I do agree about never forgetting the lesson. I have thought before that even though I want desperately to forget, that on the other hand, if I do forget, I forget the lesson and I must NEVER forget the lesson or I will be duped again. It’s too easy to let our guard down. And you are right…these weren’t “normal” people. That is sad we had to cross paths with them; so very sad, but it was a lesson I needed to learn. In Madonna’s song “The Power of Good Bye,” she says, “You were my lesson I had to learn.” So true.
skylar:
Thanks so much. I will get that book. Can’t wait to read it. I know I need it.
Thanks everyone for all the Alzheimer’s/dementia advice; I really appreciate it. There are no young children in my family so I am safe as far as that part.
Louise
I can so relate. I am scared to forget how bad it was in case it happens again.
I have this irrational belief that I have to keep it fresh in my mind. It’s almost like I can’t trust myself anymore to keep myself safe.
Hope that goes away.
STJ
xxx