The story is shocking. On Friday, Leo Moran, 75, of Chester Township, New Jersey, was charged with the murder of Charlotte Moran, who was 74. They had been high school sweethearts and were married for 54 years. A man who grew up with Leo Moran described them as the perfect couple.
So what sparked the violence? Moran’s wife and son repeatedly insisted that he get counseling. He finally agreed to go, and then, according to his family, was not honest with the counselor.
Please stop now and read Chester man accused of killing wife of 54 years believed she was unfaithful, working against him, on NJ.com.
Sometimes we see cases of an elderly person killing his or her spouse of many years because the spouse is gravely ill and unlikely to get better. It’s almost an act of compassion rather than murder.
In this case, a few crumbs of information indicate that Leo Moran was not suffering from despair or anguish. Rather, if the reported facts are accurate, they may indicate that the man was a sociopath:
- Some neighbors thought the Morans were the perfect couple. Others thought Leo Moran was “a surly man quick to bicker.”
- Moran offered his wife a kiss, which she refused, so he beat her with a baseball bat.
- Moran said his wife was unfaithful and his family was conspiring against him.
- Moran said his wife initiated the attack and hit him in the back with the bat, but he had no bruises.
- Moran said his wife suggested they commit suicide together.
So the mask slipped, Moran became outraged by his family’s affront to his control, he allegedly beat his wife to death, and then blamed everything that happened on her. This is sociopathic behavior.
But for me, what is important is how this case disproves two generally held perceptions about sociopaths and mental health.
First, many therapists believe that sociopathy diminishes with age. I believe sociopaths never become less manipulative, although I was willing to concede that perhaps they became less violent, simply because they run out of steam. But maybe that’s not true either. Maybe they never lose their capacity for violence.
Secondly, many people, and perhaps therapists as well, have far too much faith in intervention. This is one of the most important things that we, as a society, need to thoroughly understand about sociopaths: Once they are adults, they are extremely unlikely to change.
Anger management classes won’t work. Restraining orders won’t work. Sometimes, the only sane and safe thing for people around sociopaths to do is escape.
But it’s too late for Charlotte Moran.
UPDATE:
Joyce Alexander notes that Moran’s actions may have been caused by dementia rather than sociopathy. See comments below. It turns out that she may be right—that is exactly what Moran’s attorney is saying. Read:
Attorney: Chester Township man accused of bludgeoning wife to death with a bat had mental issues, on NJ.com.
With this correction, this case brings out another important point—behavior that appears to be sociopathic may, in fact, have another cause.
Dear Louise,
I’ve been reading “The gift of fear” also. Learning to trust yourself to protect yourself and to put you first. That’s something I have entrusted to others so easily. And paid the price. Yes I think of him. I do, as Oxy says, rent him head space. I find sleep a good escape. Except when he is in my dreams. Sometimes it’s intolerable and there seems to be no escape. It’s an addiction. That’s how I’m treating this. I read. I learn. I’m kind to myself. I toy with foolish ideas and never act upon them. They remain thoughts only. I wish there was something I could say to you to comfort your anguish.
Sometimes I have a conversation with myself like I’m my best friend. And yes, despite my best efforts at being my own best friend I still feel the tug, the bond. His memory will not be extinguished. Not yet. But, someone once said to me you must have hope. Never give that up Louise. The only way is up now. We’ve been to the bottom of the black hole. Come on, I’m pulling you up. Just like lots of people here have held out that strong hand to me, so I give you mine.
You are not weak. It takes strength and guts to maintain the level of NC that you have achieved.
Remember that. You’re stronger than you think. And thoughts are just that. Only thoughts.
Learning to control what we think about is a practice that is one that CAN BE LEARNED. Because the brain is unable to think about two things at once…this is a FACT not just my opinion…now, true it can SWITCH between thoughts quickly but we ARE able to control how we think, what we think and how we feel about it.
“Emotional Memory Management: Positive control over your memory” written by Dr. Joseph M. Carver, PhD. psychologist is a good paper on this and is available on the internet. Just google it up and you will find it available.
Dr. Carver explains in great detail how to do this and while it DOES take practice and patience, it can be done.
I’m not going to go into detail on how to do it because Dr. Carver explains the process in about 30 pages and there’s no need for me to “reinvent the wheel” but IT WORKS.
This is one reason that I HIGHLY SUGGEST that people who feel stuck get some professional direction because there is no way we can totally “educate” ourselves without some GUIDANCE. It would be like trying to study medicine and become a doctor by just picking your own course of study and trying to figure out what you would need to learn. That is why we have TEACHERS and courses of study to guide us in our preparation and learning so that we get what we need.
Sure, no course of study is perfect, and no one gets it all. Sometimes when we study it is like “trying to drink from a fire hose, no matter how thirsty you are or how fast you swallow, most of it gets away from you” but a guided course of study by folks who have studied before us is a good idea when we are stuck in an emotional tough spot that goes on and on and on.
You can put a band aid on your cut finger without a medical degree but there are some things you need to get a doctor to help you with. Even those of us with some medical or psychological education need to seek the professional opinions of others to manage our own cases. Seeing what is wrong with ourselves is sometimes not as easily done as we would like…we have trouble seeing the forest for the trees getting in the way.
Truthspeak:
Thanks. I think that will be my key…to find a therapist who is familiar with PTSD and sociopaths. It might be a little difficult in my city, but I am going to try. I am going to have to because nothing else is working.
Thank you for sharing those two valuable things from the therapist. It has helped me already to frame things differently in my mind.
Oxy:
Thank you for reminding me that if one therapist doesn’t work, find a new one! I appreciate all your help
Oh, and thank you so much for the recommendation of “Emotional Memory Management: Positive control over your memory.” I’m going to Google it tonight…thanks!
BBE:
Thanks for taking the time to write while being at the airport and congrats on going to Prague! Wow, that is awesome. Have a wonderful trip. Might be cold, but probably no colder than NY so enjoy!
Thank you for the encouragement that someday I will feel that way about him. I have had those moments even now, but the problem is, one day I will feel this way like he is a distant memory and the next day it’s back with full force. I guess that back and forth stuff is part of the healing, but it’s been so long. I want to get onto the “true” healing once and for all.
Louise,
You are welcome my dear! I know sometimes I sound like a broke record—“get some professional help” but there are just times when we can’t try to medically educate ourselves when what we need to do is go to the doctor to treat what is wrong with us.
I agree that we need to be “educated consumers” about our health care and about our emotional health care too, but none of us can be the experts and know everything we need to know to take care of ourselves…that is why there is a SPECIALIZATION of knowledge and why I don’t pretend to know how to work on my vehicle, or my computer, or do open heart surgery….and why I work with my physician and mental health professionals to get the best result for ME. I do keep on reading and learning and educating myself, but I do it in a context that helps me understand the professional I am working with and how the care is effecting my life. Is it working? If not, then why not?
skylar:
SIGH is right.
I get what you are saying. I have also studied and researched A LOT! I have never been on the Internet so much in my entire life and I have learned quite a bit.
You said, “Louise, if you haven’t “gotten over it” it’s because you instinctively know that there is something still for you to learn and your brain won’t let you just ignore that important something.” Bingo! I have thought this before myself…do you think that’s spooky that I have thought this?? I kept telling myself that if this is just not going away, there is “something” still that is going to happen; something still to learn or something more to come. We will see. Thanks for bringing that up to me.
strongawoman:
Thank you so very much for giving me that HOPE. I have finally realized the true meaning of hope. We have nothing without it.
It is an addiction without a doubt. I’ve never been addicted to anything in my life…only him. I don’t know what he did to me, but it was a whammy. And just like an alcohol or drug addiction, it can’t be beat without professional help.
I know I am not weak. Actually, I am very strong. I have always been a strong woman and that’s why this really threw me for a loop because it took me places I never wanted to be. You will never know the amount of strength it has taken to maintain NC all this time. It has about killed me, but I have done it.
Thanks again for your support…it means the world to me.
hens says:
Louise . it is ok to love someone and move on when that someone is just an ordinary person and the relationship just didnt work anymore”but remember we are not talking about ordinary people here..these are truly evil being’s..again you must learn from this and never forget ..
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That’s my take too hens…
‘truly evil beings’…
we MUST learn and never forget….
We MUST be strong and know who we are and our value and our worth. Then we are free…then, nothing they have done or may do or may ever do will ever affect us anymore…
KNOWING our own personal value and worth and standing up for what we know is right. No matter the LIES our hearts may try to tell us….we need to focus on ourselves more instead of them. If we don’t, they will steal away all of our thoughts too…
I am with you Louise, in thoughts and prayers…
We will make it – you’ll see…
Dupey
The strength and mutual encouragement on this site is priceless. In one way or another, we’ve all had our sociopathic experiences: a brush with one, or a long-term (sometimes, lifetime) association. Regardless of situation, it is an experience that leave us baffled.
For me, everything led up to this event with the exspath – had I not had the experiences that I did prior to my discovery, I would not have had the resolve to recognize and accept the fact that I would never have been able to TOUCH my partner in any intimate way, again, for the rest of our marriage, let alone TRUST anything that came out of his mouth. As much as I hate this particular phrase, “It is what it IS,” and this site has been a godsend, on every level.
I’m finally in a safe place – well, as safe as I can be, at this point, without leaving the State – and, I’m really, REALLY wrestling with a lot of anger. I posted previously that I am angry about so many things: the dramatic course that my life took in the span of 3 minutes; the fact that the exspath literally committed forgery and took my money; having to live in a situation where I feel indebted and am uncomfortable; dealing with a physical condition that pisses me off; and so many other things that are associated with betrayal.
What Dupednomore wrote about knowing our own personal value and worth really hit a chord with me. I DON’T know my own value or worth. I don’t feel entitled to HAVE value or worth – if that makes any sense. I “feel” that I made a dreadful error in marrying the worm and that I didn’t “see” the red flags, long ago. My therapist insists that he was just very clever. I don’t feel that way. I feel that I allowed this to happen, in some way. And, I have to get BEYOND that FEELING and look at the facts. “Feelings aren’t Facts!” is what she reminds me, constantly.
But……what about the “feelings” of danger? Those feelings aren’t facts, of course, but what IS factual is that the exspath works in an environment that puts him into one-on-one-contact with prison inmates (some of which have done time for murder) who are due to be released, soon. What about that? However unlikely it is that the worm would orchestrate some type of “accident” or other means to facilitate my sudden demise, these are FEELINGS of danger, and people have committed murder for far, far less. The worm has been publicly exposed for the deviant that he is and the evidence of his fraud is (literally) seven inches worth of documentation.
Yep, I’m still angry, today. I’m also going to have to remind myself that I did NOT ask for this to be done to me. I’m going to have to remind myself that the exspath was a complete fraud from before we ever even met. And, I really need to understand, in my heart, that I’m not just going to “get over it.” This is going to take some time and hard work, and being angry is part of the process – I have to be good to myself, finally. I have to put myself FIRST and my son SECOND, and everything else is going to have to be a non-issue.
Brightest blessings to all…