Editor’s note: Following is a series of letters sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Grace18.” Other names are also changed. Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4.
My daughters Juliann 43/Catherine 42/Sandra 36……2 already divorced….1 remarried…..3 grandsons with each daughter passing on the “hate”…….
My children and I went through some very hard lean years, as I moved us for better jobs…and to hopefully put them in a place where they could obtain scholarships through a particular high school. My oldest child, Juliann, won a scholarship in the area, based on a letter that I wrote explaining just why she should be so blessed.
My second daughter, in the same class w/her sister, had an equal opportunity. She decided that her boyfriend was so much more important than studies. Now in her early 40’s, she has obtained I “think” her nursing degree. The “main” concern for me about her is that she is an angry person, who takes “chances.” She has taken that anger out on me, physically as well as her son, when he was young. She left the state, 10 yrs ago, when I listed a complaint about her abuse with the school system. I was never allowed to have any contact w/him in all that time…..!
My oldest daughter, Juliann, came over to America on the “Baby Airlift” in April 1975, from South Viet Nam, when I was pregnant with my second daughter, Catherine. Being 9 mo. apart, I raised them w/the hope that they would always be close. When my third daughter was born, six years later, she felt left out in many ways. She sought out boys at too early an age, which has left her at 36, now married to a much younger man in her second marriage with a new baby.
She goes in and out of my life, if I comply to her rules. In the meantime, she lived with my husband and me for several years, leaving me with a great sum of money that she owes us and will never repay, causing a lot of friction in my relationship w/my husband.
My constant worry is that my oldest daughter being married to an older man, has made the rules by which she has complied. She never brought him around me when they began to date. I was “allowed” to meet him, when I stood in line at the Disney castle, when he was on duty greeting guests…..When, she graduated from college, she did not “walk,” as he told her he would pick her up….and take her to Dallas, w/him. He had moved there for work. My Mom and I had ever so looked forward to seeing my oldest child be the first person to graduate from college….but, it never happened. Her diploma was mailed to her.
One year, after she followed him out to Dallas, she found out that he was cheating on her while they lived together. W/her Asian ability to show her anger, I sincerely hoped that she would stick to her rights and keep him out of her life. She came back home for a visit….and as she was w/us for a few days, I finally asked her what her plans were?
She broke down…..and started screaming and cussing at me….left the room….and called Cathy to pick her up. I did not have any contact with her for months. Finally, I learned that the man had apologized….(!!!) and they were “on” again, much to my great dismay!!!
Then, my antenna rose from my thick head and it has never stopped twirling! My brilliant child, who even with her wonderful worldwide recognized accomplishments in her field, succumbed because of her own doubts that “no one” but this ilk would ever want her.
Her desire for a family….a child….a home was so great, that she would settle for someone, that I know she doubts.
When the Lacy Peterson case was all over the media, I sent an article to my daughter asking her to just be “aware.” By then, she was married, w/their being separated by miles due to their jobs. Her husband sent me an email, telling me that I was the worst mother ever….”worse than Joan Crawford” and that “you should have left her in the orphanage in Viet Nam, so that a more loving family could have adopted her”!!!!!!!!!!!
I nearly fainted from being so sick immediately!!!! I could not believe that any human being, who claimed to love my daughter, could write such filth. For over two years, back in the early 1970’s, I diligently tried to make a dream come true against horrible odds. A distant war, children in such desperate need to be loved and cared for. IT was a long struggle of making all the loose ends come together for a very sick little five month old baby to be able to survive that ugly war and come into my arms be held tightly with love and protection.
Now, here was this monster….telling me that she would have been “better off”…….he had no idea how horrible it was there….nor in reality did my daughter.
I have seen him, maybe 5 x’s over those past years….no contact with my daughter since 2008, when my Mom passed from abuse in a nursing home. He has control….even though my daughter is brilliant in her field of research….in her emotional situation, she seems to be lacking of good sense. He has had changes in jobs, which meant moves…and separation. As they are now settled in another state, they built a house and he finally “found” a new career.
He sells insurance….which makes my mind even twirl around more so. His parents were divorced. At the wedding, my daughter wanted me to sit next to his mother….she told me that the woman had suffered a breakdown from her marriage and felt shaky about being there around her ex-husband and his girlfriend. Single mom raising the two girls, while the son went off to live a better life with the dad. Typical story.
Dad gets a boat….has good jobs, and the mother takes jobs cleaning houses! All of a sudden, I was not allowed to even meet the mother…I was not allowed by the sister to even visit my daughter as she dressed….friends of my daughter had been told to stop me, if I objected to the marriage. (Of course, I objected….but, it was my daughter’s choice and I would never have embarrassed her under any conditions).
The sisters of the husband, had convinced him years before the wedding that he needed to get back into that relationship with my daughter and apologize….as she would do very well in her career….certainly more so than him….or the waitress that he had fooled around with.
Sorry to burden you with all of this…but, maybe you will take the time and read my long note. I am mentally talking to myself all day long…..I know that I have made myself more ill because of my daughters and my “dying” inside with the pain. I wish that they had never changed….that even when their dad left us, that they had been able to be stronger and kick ass….instead of seek ways to numb their anguish and their loss.
Self-Love and Healing Journey Day 24: NOURISH