Maybe my story will help a mother….a daughter…..a sister. I have become a parking lot preacher, when young people take out my grocery cart. Holding onto them for five min. or so and asking them if they are going onto college…..what they are studying…if they plan on leaving this small “no hope” county?
I talk to myself w/in all day long….then, when I can no longer bear the silence, I try to write to my oldest, Juliann, on a msg….or my youngest on email. I never hear from Juliann of course….and very few words from Sandra….after three yrs of separation. Last yr, at this time, I came home from my Internist’s office, after having broken down in tears, when she warned me again about my very high B.P.
I laughed and told her that there was no way I could ever be happy again, when my daughters were so lost to me. At that time, my only grandson, that I knew of that day, had been missing to me for 9 yrs. His Mom would play games with me, as to the years that he was kept from me….in accordance with her boyfriend at the time….or allowed back into my life…when she had no “man” in her life.
Again, as my daughters had believed in their Dad and his love for them, they landed in a world of shock as I did, the day that he announced in front of all of us, that as we sold the house, which he had requested that we do…..he was going to go and “find” himself after 18 yrs of marriage.
A man whom I totally trusted….and loved. He had been abusive to me….unbeknown to others….till one day in front of my young ones, he shoved me “again”. Two years, later when he announced he was leaving, indeed my world crumbled, but I had no regrets as I put his clothes on the front entry way….and shut the door.
That sent those three girls down the road into the arms of any bum that ever came along….way before they were ever able to find their own space in life, as I preached and prayed. No matter, how I danced…..prayed…..spoke….cajoled, they only saw stars and believed in the spaced-out turkeys over and over again.
Smart girls, pretty girls w/love from me….and my “dysfunctional” Mother, we struggled for 14 yrs, as my two oldest left home, and my youngest child went through my growth pattern. Eventually, a man came into my life, who was strong enough and not deterred by my crazy Mom….nor my “wild” child searching for her own rung on the ladder for the next 14 yrs.
He witnesses my tears….when I can no longer hold them inside. He wonders, “why” I still try….but knows that I have to.
Every single day, I turn on the computer or the phone to see if anyone of them, have contacted me…..for that miracle I ask for each day. When, Sandy sent me an email last yr….I did not recognize the reality of her name. She told me, she had remarried and was a new mother…..and that I would never see her baby.
In response, I told her that I was thrilled for her…..and congratulations. Not ever mentioning the men that she had never kept at arm’s length as friends…but instead giving herself to, as she was depleted. Never mentioning how she had “taken” from my husband and myself for yrs w/o any regrets or apologies. W/my notes of thrill for her, she warmed up and asked me to come and see my new grandson last yr.
Pictures for months….and then, she got mad at me…and decided not to talk to me, again. I went into the hospital in an emergency situation, in Nov. and sent her a note. She started writing to me again…only on email. (I have no phone no. for her, at all).
If, anything ever happened to me…..there is NOT one of my daughters, who would be contacted by any EMT, etc….as there is no way to “call” them. I loved my daughters with all my heart…they were the reason for any decision that I made, at all times. That life of normalcy stopped the day, their Dad decided to “go”.
Our new existence was a hard one for my kids…and they never were able to deal with the change. We never lived in a slum area….I worked at every job that I could find….sometimes, 3 at a time…and still tried to continue with classes at night. I had some pretty lousy jobs…..but, I also had the responsibility of covering the entire state as the only rep for a company where I marketed for 250 companies in a very elite market, as I traveled sometimes hundreds of miles a day.
I am sitting here listening to Ground Zero now on the radio. In a while, Coast to Coast AM will start. Last night, I listened to Stan Deyo on the program with George Noory as he spoke about the loss of civility and a life that my generation lived in when people cared…..loved…and learned from their mistakes. Therein lies the reason why I jump as high as I can….because I remember what life was like, when we trusted each other…..and now, we have a difficult time finding a spark of glitter in the dark.
Because, I was struggling to survive, I could relate to so many women that had by far harder lives than me….years ago, as I worked with abused women….mothers, who needed food…aid….a safety net……I began a link for them. I continued in seeking help from others, when my ex-husband lagged by years in his support for my daughters…..w/o the means of having help from a lawyer, I learned the rules because of an organization, that taught me what my rights were as a single Mother.
Age and worry has caused me a lot of ills that cover the chart. I took care of my Mother for 9 yrs, as she dealt with Dementia…and magnified anger…after having been a CONTROLLING factor in my life….I still cared enough about her to make sure that she had me around. I fought a system that eventually killed her…..struggled afterwards for justice. No input from my daughters…as once again, Sandra lived with us…ignoring the need to cover her own bills. Cathy again involved with a man, hiding himself behind a shield in the dark, while her son was out of the state for the summer.
When he came back home, he wanted to know as to “why” Mom was involved with another man. Then, my daughter flipped and took my grandson out of the state to Dallas…..when her son began to quiz her. He was being picked on at school while the school wanted to run an MRI on him. I spk with a counselor and she told me to send a letter….I did. I explained that indeed, my grandson acted as the class clown to mask his unhappiness at seeing his mom so involved with any man in her life at the exclusion of any one else.
Of course, he was going to be unhappy and act up. I did not want my grandson to suffer because of his Mom’s actions w/the men in and out of her life. At a holiday event, we witnessed one incident w/one man holding onto my grandson and making him fight to get free. I was involved. As my daughter worked, I attended to my grandson’s needs….school events….holidays off…..etc. Then, she flipped out and took him out of the State…..no further contact.
Now, at nearly 19, I do not know if he is a happy….adjusted…..young man living a decent life in some kind of peace. I know that he was so hurt, when my daughter took him “out” of my life….and all for just one more damn man, for another short moment of my daughter’s life, but at the expense of my grandson, Martin.
I can never get any of these years back…..I did not see Martin grow up….I did not know about Sandy having a baby….nor Juliann losing a baby and then having a son at a older time of life, after years of wanting one child….when her husband did not want her to stop working….from her high-line career.
There was a time, when I held each one of them in my arms….laughed with them….watched them…..and shared with them. Now, I have been condemned to the waiting period of life before death, when the joy is gone…and the dire bits of loss magnify and those long ago happy days, are way back there in my brain’s memory. I can’t see very well now through my tears…..
At all times, as I watch Dateline…..etc. I fear with great concern for Juliann’s safety. Your description of a sociopath…..just seems to cover her husband’s pattern. I tried to reach Cathy and Sandy over the years, to plead with them to “pay attention” and to somehow keep that link open to Juliann…..warning her if and when necessary about her husband. He was never steady in his career choice and took jobs, even if it meant that they were separated for years by miles….TX-to-D.C., just for a job in a restaurant as a F&B director????? W/her career in a research dept in a University, she made the long trips to be w/him….even taking her dog on flights…..all the time, still wondering if he was by any means, cheating on her one more time…as he had before they married….and LIVED together.
You just became my outlet…..a long time, since I have been able to put this down on the line. No one cares in my life…and my brain probably gets sick of listening to me…..!
Thank you ever so much….it will be another night of tears as I feel them leaking from my eyes right now.