Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Arlene18.
I have been married to him for 29+ years and we have three grown sons, who are all still in school. In Sept. 2016, I discovered he was leading a double life filled with prostitutes and stripper girlfriends. He admits to doing this for over 20 years, though it is probably longer than that.
He made the boys take out student loans, and said we didn’t have enough money to replace my decrepit old car — while spending insane amounts of money on his girlfriends in order to make them like him.
Through the discovery, I tried having him in therapy to see if the marriage and family could be salvaged, but the next 18 months were brutal. While he tried to fake it, I learned he was incapable of giving or receiving love, continued to gaslight me; and to my horror, I learned I have been a victim of emotional abuse for our entire marriage and never even saw it.
Reading through the mountains of text records between him and his stripper girlfriends, it became very clear that he only uses people, flattering them, showering them with gifts and attention, lying to them, all in an effort to make them like him. The weird thing is he never flattered or showered me with gifts or attention, (maybe its because we met in college). In stark contrast to other people in his life, I only received his emotional abuse. I asked him why this was, and he said, “I didn’t have to be nice to you, I already had you.”
I filed for divorce and got him out of the house. I hope to have the divorce finalized by year-end due to changes in the tax-laws for alimony.
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Hi Arlene18, your post is heart wrenching to read ?. I am so sorry that you have been part of a sociopath con game for so long. What a nightmare you have been enduring. So glad that you had the strength to search for answers & the courage to post here at this incredible site, Lovefraud.
The truth will set you free. As hard as it was/is to learn the truth of what he was up to for your whole marriage…it’s also a blessing to know that all the craziness in the marriage had nothing to do with you & everything to do with his crazy mind.
If you are in the US you will be entitled to part of his Social Security check. If you go to the US Social Security Department website you can read more about this. If you are not in the US then check with your government office if they take out money each paycheck for retirement. I’m not sure if you have to post this in divorce papers or simply file for it when you are ready to retire. If you don’t need to report this to him DONT. Otherwise he may attempt to get more assets now.
My experience with Marriage counseling = a waste of time & money when dealing with a sociopath. My ex h manipulated the 3 Marriage counselor every quickly to turn the blame on to me. I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time & the counselors were absolutely clueless about sociopaths abuse & their manipulative techniques.
I’m glad you have set yourself free…now you can soar!! ?
Sending you huge hugs!!?
Wishing you all the best. ?
Dear Darlene,
Suspect your husband met his match in dating strippers and prostitutes, as they were taking him for everything he had. Sadly, they steal from the wife, too. In my opinion, most prostitutes and strippers, both male and female, are sociopaths, although many were sexually abused as children. There is no such thing as a happy stripper or prostitute, even though the movies say otherwise.
Most likely he will have a lonely old age!
Yours truly,
Monica
Arlene18, I just want you to know you are not alone! Your story is almost identical to mine. I was with him 26 years, we met as college athletes, and I never had a clue about his secret life. In my defense, until I discovered he was a sociopath, I didn’t even know it was possible for a human to do those things… Shower us with “love and affection” for all those years, when he didn’t mean a bit of it. Mine was also unable to buy me gifts. I think it was a control thing. Deep inside, I think he really really hates women. I’m 7 years out, and I still get mad at the emotional abuse I endured with him, without really realizing it, so I know what you mean. His mother was very verbally abusive to me and everyone, but I did not realize it until I discovered what he really was.
The good news is, being free of him is a wonderful thing, and something I’ve been thankful for every day! I was 48 when it happened. I also spent 10 months in counseling trying to save my family.Seven years later he hasn’t changed a bit, is cheating on his current wife. She was his fourth fiance since me. He was never violent with me but became physically violent with his next fiancees, which is why they did not become his wives.
Good riddance to bad garbage!
I didn’t get a lot of gifts, when we were dating; his ‘specialty’ was buying cheap booze/snacks for me and him. He was cheap when we dated, and it only got worse after marriage. We drove crappy old vehicles; his excuse was “you spend too much money on buying books, religious tapes”, wanting to eat out too often..it was ALWAYS my fault we had little money. Funny thing, after I divorced him, after 29 years; suddenly he did have more money..bought his second wife a ‘newer’ SUV, so she could be safer, when she went to work. He insisted she buy new clothes to look nice, when they went out. After 2nd divorce, he had even more money when his mother died. So, 3rd wife has a new SUV, personalized plates, they bought a ‘snowbird’ house in Arizona. No way would he have EVER treated me anywhere like that. Our 3 sons had to earn money for the things they wanted; after I divorced him, 2 of them came begging ME for money, which I didn’t have. So, when I said NO, they abandoned me and cling to their dad. (who does lend them money, but strings are attached)..p.s. the ONE gift I did get before marriage, was a sewing machine..as it turned out, to mend HIS torn, ripped farm clothes..