REGISTER | LOGIN
By | June 18, 2010 41 Comments

My life with a sociopath

Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader who calls herself “The Front Porch Talker” is sorting through her devastating experience with a sociopath through her creative writing. Following is her introduction. Tomorrow, Lovefraud will publish one of the satirical pieces she has written based on her experiences.

Part One: My Life with a Sociopath
By The Front Porch Talker

The Sociopaths in my life:  “MP,” “DI” (both women), and “JP,” (a man)

PART ONE:  (I can only imagine telling this story in small parts. I hope that works for you).

I have tried to see this whole picture of what happened to me from a psychological standpoint.

Then, I tried to see it on a philosophical level.  But in the end, it did NOT matter that: MP had had very serious incest issues in her family,  (now I question that too), even before the age of 3.

It didn’t matter that both she and DI had chronic illnesses and unexplained illnesses  that ran the gamut. So what if they were drug addicts! I still cannot work my way through this whole issue.

I NOW know that their illnesses, however real or imagined, were the perfect cover for being Psychopaths.

Think of Ted Bundy, posing as a man with a broken-arm to target women victims.  It is the same cover.

I’ve taught in every prison in the state, including the Women’s Prison, and I still find it unimaginable, abject, and horrifying to meet women who do not have a conscience. I’ve taught male rapists, and there is no comparison to women Sociopaths in my book.

I’ve written several of my “Front Porch Talker” essays about this subject. One of them is a satire about “Reality shows.”  It’s called: “From Reality Show Central: Desperate Meth-lab Operators of S”¦.. County;”

The other one is called “Committed,” which is about my 2 week stay in a mental hospital, which is another related tragedy.

All the Front Porch Talker essays I’ve written I did so for humor, and yes–for my survival.  I didn’t think that I would survive this ordeal. I know that that sounds dramatic; but then again, I never imagined being “committed” either.

Then, I found Love Fraud.  It feels like home here, at last. Thank-you for discussing subjects such as “Gas Lighting,” which is what kept me in it for so long.  Also for the many intelligent discussions about this subject, I am grateful.

Okay, here it is: Part One of my story, as I sit on the “virtual” front porch with y’all, drinking my “virtual” cup of double-espresso with you: (sorry; I can’t tell it all at one time)

I usually tell people that the sociopath in my life who victimized me was a man, instead of a woman. This is because people can’t fathom that women can and are violent.

We think that women are more “civilized” somehow than men because fewer women commit violent crimes, overall. In my case, the women got men to assault me, and other things  too painful to discuss right now.

I am only now just recovering, from panic attacks, PTSD and Acute Stress Disorder.
Humor, humor and more humor….That’s why I began writing The Front Porch Talker essays….just to amuse myself and my friends.  I don’t know if I will ever decide to publish them, or not. It doesn’t really matter.

And, because we, as women ourselves, we can’t imagine anybody without a conscience. To do so is so abject and horrifying that it upsets everything we ever knew about humanity.

On television and in movies, the psychopaths usually get caught, so that an internal order and safety are returned to us, and we are once-removed as watchers.

But in real life, especially since the police—nor any other agency—ever investigated these crimes, they still go on. The state agencies, like the F.B.I. are busy with Homeland Security.

The women, MP and DP were violent, manipulative, and dangerous. Not to mention all their crimes against me of Identity Theft, Fraud and forgery, which left me broke, and eventually left me without my job as a tenured professor of 20 years at an Arts’ college, due to the severe PTSD and panic attacks.

I have spent the past five years putting my life back together, which I have only begun to do.

I am on disability because of this. Oh yeah, and all my liberal, well-educated friends I had? (attorneys especially) They ducked away and told me to just “get on with my life.”

My best friend, “MO” had me committed for two weeks, which is yet another related tragic story. They confused my panic-attacks and PTSD hyperventilating for being “psychotic,” so I was sent to a mental hospital for two weeks. I had to fight my way out of there.

Where are DP and MP?   They have (once again) changed their names, gone underground and are still committing crimes, and could conceivably still be using my identity now.

Yet, the women were not only manipulative, cunning and ruthless; they were also violent and dangerous.  They still are.  My address has been changed back to their home town numerous times, so they can steal my mail.  My SSN has been compromised. My license is being used–MP dyed her hair blond and uses my name.

These are only a FEW of the things they did and still do: they steal identities.

“JP, the man,  was just an afterthought to them. There are others in this drug/id theft ring, too.

(sorry: this is out of order here)

MP and DP were both mothers (and MPis a grandmother), who’d been married numerous times. They were bright, funny and well-spoken.

And, neither one of them had a conscience. They were like empty shells of people mimicking what they thought would appear “Human.”

MP always bragged to me that she tested “like a Midwestern housewife.”

Whereas , I, a somewhat quirky professor and writer, have lost my professional life as a professor; have had my identity stolen, have been not believed by doctors, have been committed to a mental hospital because they thought I was “psychotic” and “delusional,” which I wasn’t.

My friends, for the most part, see me as a weak person, somebody to be pitied, or who can’t take care of themselves—ie. They are superior to me!

I will end this little segment by saying this: we who have had our lives turned topsy-turvy, and have lost all our possessions, our jobs, our savings, and yes—our dignity—we, are in the same parallel universe.

Only people who have been through such a tragedy recognize each other.  We, here at LF are members of an elite club that we did not choose, but now that I am here, I do see life differently now: poignant, detailed, precious somehow.  I am hypervigilant now.  I have become very choosy about the friends I choose.

My heart goes out to all of you, too. I know you understand all of this too, having become a member of this elitist club.  I hear it when I read your posts, too.

We are conscious of the fact that there is evil in the world, after all.  And, as far as I am concerned, I won’t stand idly by while these criminals victimize me, or others, anymore. I will speak my mind.  I will tell the rest of my story, as I can.

My heart goes out to you!

Because of this, though, it does sound like a movie on the for “The Life Time Channel For Women” in this way:  I am a better person for it all.  I am now writing, after 20 years of only teaching college.

And now, I know who my friends are.  I can imagine, MAYBE, trusting humans again.

Maybe I could imagine meeting a man”¦”¦marriage?

Well, I won’t push it!  I’ll just say that my life is more poignant than ever before, like a blind person who can suddenly see all the colors in the rainbow”¦.that’s a corny reference to “Women’s Lifetime” movies!
And Reader’s Digest Stories, which always end on a positive note!

In Part Two, I’ll tell more of the actual story, okay?

BTW, I am open to any and all comments, of course, as long as they’re “civilized.” Ha, ha.

Thanks,

The Front Porch Talker, a.k.a. Smarty-pants professor.

Posted in: Cases, Female sociopaths

41
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
bluejay

The Front Porch Talker,

Battling multiple spaths at the same time would be a doozy! I am sorry that you ended up a victim of these wicked people, tearing your life apart. All of us can attest to the damage that can be done to your person (eg., emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc.). The stories that I read on this web site reaffirm to me that I am not alone, not crazy, that there are spaths in our midst preying on everyday folk. Good luck with your healing.

sharing the journey

Hi front porch talker.

To refresh–I have posted twice on lovefraud and was welcomed immediatly. I too was diagnosed as psychotic by a psychiatrist after a run in with my N?P?S? husband of 22 years and it is only after 2 1/2 years that it has changed after insisting I see a psycholiginst.

I have battled with PTSD all this time and I hope to get to a place where your at. I too was a very together person. Reaching 50 I thought life was sorted. But this experience makes you question everything and I can’t help but think –it is not fair.

I relive everyday what he done. Not off my own violition but because of ptsd. Does it ever get clear.
xxx

sharing the journey

Oh yes I forgot–I too am on disability now. Scary. I was an and still believe was a smart intelligent woman. But this experience –and I will call it that–brought me to my knees. xxx

Ox Drover

Dear littlewhite horse,

Welcome back dear! Glad to see you again! Don’t worry, you are no “crazier” than the rest of us! LOL Once we know though what is going on, somehow things start to clear up in our vision and realize that some GASLIGHTING and twisted reality has been going on and that we really aren’t crazy, we are just INSIDE A HOUSE OF MIRRORS manipulated by the psychopaths!

Once we recognize that things are not what they seem, that what we SEE is not necessarily what IS, then we can start validating our own reality.

I always for some reason thought that I had to have someone else validate what was real and what was not, now I realize that I CAN VALIDATE MYSELF. I can trust myself to distinguish what is real and what is psychopathic! I am getting soooooo smart in my old age!~ Ain’t it amazin!!!!!

frontporchtalker

Hi,
It just occurred to me that the SP’s in this story could identify me still. My mail used to get forwarded back to their home town, without my permission. Now I am worried that it could be happening again. I applied for a new debit card after the ATM swallowed mine.
It’s 10 days later, and still no card. BC of the identity theft they can still access my accounts.
Perhaps you could delete this particular post for me.

But, still publish my essay, “Reality Show Central: Desperate Meth-operators of S…..County.” I wrote another one for my little column (The Front Porch Talker) about how I got committed, bc of all of this.
It is called: “Committed.” (double entendre intended).

I feel safe sending along the essays, but I’m worried that I wrote this particular little story above before I could edit out the details that might identify me to the criminals. (Now, I’ve edited my other posts on this blog since this one)….
Does this sound paranoid? It would be, except it’s all true!
Thanks,
Front Porch Talker

frontporchtalker

Donna,
Not to worry, but pls read the above post.

thanks,
fpt

one/joy_step_at_a_time

fpt – you know the saying: ‘just ’cause your paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get cha.’

…and then there is: ‘better safe than sorry.’

so, adjust posts as needed in response to your feelings of safety of lack there of on any given day. this is a very natural occurrence here.

Ox Drover

Hey, FPT,
“just cauze youz paranoid don’t mean no’unns atter you”

Hey, I had to bring in a witness and documentation to my last new therapist to prove I wasn’t a paranoid delusional nut whack! He asked nice, but when a patient says “they’re all out to kill me” you kind of WONDER! He was embarassed a bit to ask but I laughed and took in the information and my witness. LOL Actually, I thought it was funny!

But sometimes it is hard to tell one of these PAUL BUNYON AND HIS BLUE OX BABE psychopath stories and make them where folks will BELIEVE THEM. I think most of them would be more likely to listen if I told them I was abducted by alliens in a space ship—and frankly the alien story would probably be more realistic, especially if told by some one who was not HYSTERICAL.

frontporchtalker

Dear Little White Horse and Ox Drover,

you can see by my most recent post (to edit identifying info about myself) –that I am NOT all together. I sound that way because I am an arrogant Leo!
ha, ha.
Ox Drover, you have come to the exact same conclusion I have, recently, and only bc this knocked me to my knees…
It is this: NOW, only I can validate myself! I was explaining this to a friend tonight who questions her own reality.
The reason I was a perfect victim was bc I questioned my own reality, and allowed some psychopaths to feed me their warped reality in its place.
White Horse, if you can, stick around and we’ll go through this together.
OxDrover, I am grateful for your wisdom—you obviously are the one here who has your act together.

I say this because it takes a long time to come to the conclusion–about validating YOurself, and never, ever allowing others to define you again.
Others know only as much as they have experienced personally. I think this blog is remarkable for the amount of personal wisdom for this reason.
I know I sound complimentary, but I guess that’s exactly how I feel.
Safe here.
Front Porch Talker

frontporchtalker

Ox Drover,
I just saw your most recent post, just this second. You are quick on the draw!
I’ll read it and as soon as I calm down—I AM worried that they will change my address again and steal my mail. That is true.
anywhooo, when I can laugh a little (that’s corny!!!), I’ll write you back.
Until then.
Front Porch Talker-at-large!

frontporchtalker

0ne-step-at-a-time (great name!)
I will also write you back too. Thanks for your thoughts. I have followed all of your posts and me thinks you are wisdom-for-days!

FpT

frontporchtalker

Donna,
Here is my revised version of the above post.
It’s fine if you want to publish the satire tomorrow, but I have to white-out the county name….
Many thanks for replacing the web blog above with this version.
FPT

REVISED VERSION From: The Front Porch Talker

The Sociopaths in my life: “MP,” “DI” (both women), and “JP,” (a man)

PART ONE: (I can only imagine telling this story in small parts. I hope that works for you).
I have tried to see this whole picture of what happened to me from a psychological standpoint.

Then, I tried to see it on a philosophical level. But in the end, it did NOT matter that: MP had had very serious incest issues in her family, (now I question that too), even before the age of 3.

It didn’t matter that both she and DI had chronic illnesses and unexplained illnesses that ran the gamut. So what if they were drug addicts! I still cannot work my way through this whole issue.
I NOW know that their illnesses, however real or imagined, were the perfect cover for being Psychopaths.

Think of Ted Bundy, posing as a man with a broken-arm to target women victims. It is the same cover.

I’ve taught in every prison in the state, including the Women’s Prison, and I still find it unimaginable, abject, and horrifying to meet women who do not have a conscience. I’ve taught male rapists, and there is no comparison to women Sociopaths in my book.
I’ve written several of my “Front Porch Talker” essays about this subject. One of them is a satire about “Reality shows.” It’s called: “From Reality Show Central: Desperate Meth-lab Operators of S”.. County;”

The other one is called “Committed,” which is about my 2 week stay in a mental hospital, which is another related tragedy.

All the Front Porch Talker essays I’ve written I did so for humor, and yes–for my survival. I didn’t think that I would survive this ordeal. I know that that sounds dramatic; but then again, I never imagined being “committed” either.
Then, I found Love Fraud. It feels like home here, at last. Thank-you for discussing subjects such as “Gas Lighting,” which is what kept me in it for so long. Also for the many intelligent discussions about this subject, I am grateful.
Okay, here it is: Part One of my story, as I sit on the “virtual” front porch with y’all, drinking my “virtual” cup of double-espresso with you: (sorry; I can’t tell it all at one time)
I usually tell people that the sociopath in my life who victimized me was a man, instead of a woman. This is because people can’t fathom that women can and are violent.

We think that women are more “civilized” somehow than men because fewer women commit violent crimes, overall. In my case, the women got men to assault me, and other things too painful to discuss right now.
I am only now just recovering, from panic attacks, PTSD and Acute Stress Disorder.
Humor, humor and more humor….That’s why I began writing The Front Porch Talker essays….just to amuse myself and my friends. I don’t know if I will ever decide to publish them, or not. It doesn’t really matter.
And, because we, as women ourselves, we can’t imagine anybody without a conscience. To do so is so abject and horrifying that it upsets everything we ever knew about humanity.

On television and in movies, the psychopaths usually get caught, so that an internal order and safety are returned to us, and we are once-removed as watchers.
But in real life, especially since the police—nor any other agency—ever investigated these crimes, they still go on. The state agencies, like the F.B.I. are busy with Homeland Security.
The women, MP and DP were violent, manipulative, and dangerous. Not to mention all their crimes against me of Identity Theft, Fraud and forgery, which left me broke, and eventually left me without my job as a tenured professor of 20 years at an Arts’ college, due to the severe PTSD and panic attacks.

I have spent the past five years putting my life back together, which I have only begun to do.
I am on disability because of this. Oh yeah, and all my liberal, well-educated friends I had? (attorneys especially) They ducked away and told me to just “get on with my life.”

My best friend, “MO” had me committed for two weeks, which is yet another related tragic story. They confused my panic-attacks and PTSD hyperventilating for being “psychotic,” so I was sent to a mental hospital for two weeks. I had to fight my way out of there.
Where are DP and MP? They have (once again) changed their names, gone underground and are still committing crimes, and could conceivably still be using my identity now.
Yet, the women were not only manipulative, cunning and ruthless; they were also violent and dangerous. They still are. My address has been changed back to their home town numerous times, so they can steal my mail. My SSN has been compromised. My license is being used–MP dyed her hair blond and uses my name.
These are only a FEW of the things they did and still do: they steal identities.

“JP, the man, was just an afterthought to them. There are others in this drug/id theft ring, too.
(sorry: this is out of order here)

MP and DP were both mothers (and MPis a grandmother), who’d been married numerous times. They were bright, funny and well-spoken.
And, neither one of them had a conscience. They were like empty shells of people mimicking what they thought would appear “Human.”
MP always bragged to me that she tested “like a Midwestern housewife.”

Whereas , I, a somewhat quirky professor and writer, have lost my professional life as a professor; have had my identity stolen, have been not believed by doctors, have been committed to a mental hospital because they thought I was “psychotic” and “delusional,” which I wasn’t.

My friends, for the most part, see me as a weak person, somebody to be pitied, or who can’t take care of themselves—ie. They are superior to me!
I will end this little segment by saying this: we who have had our lives turned topsy-turvy, and have lost all our possessions, our jobs, our savings, and yes—our dignity—we, are in the same parallel universe.

Only people who have been through such a tragedy recognize each other. We, here at LF are members of an elite club that we did not choose, but now that I am here, I do see life differently now: poignant, detailed, precious somehow. I am hypervigilant now. I have become very choosy about the friends I choose.
My heart goes out to all of you, too. I know you understand all of this too, having become a member of this elitist club. I hear it when I read your posts, too.

We are conscious of the fact that there is evil in the world, after all. And, as far as I am concerned, I won’t stand idly by while these criminals victimize me, or others, anymore. I will speak my mind. I will tell the rest of my story, as I can.

My heart goes out to you!
Because of this, though, it does sound like a movie on the for “The Life Time Channel For Women” in this way: I am a better person for it all. I am now writing, after 20 years of only teaching college.

And now, I know who my friends are. I can imagine, MAYBE, trusting humans again.

Maybe I could imagine meeting a man—marriage?

Well, I won’t push it! I’ll just say that my life is more poignant than ever before, like a blind person who can suddenly see all the colors in the rainbow”.that’s a corny reference to “Women’s Lifetime” movies!

And Reader’s Digest Stories, which always end on a positive note!

In Part Two, I’ll tell more of the actual story, okay?
BTW, I am open to any and all comments, of course, as long as they’re “civilized.” Ha, ha.
Thanks,
The Front Porch Talker, a.k.a. Smarty-pants professor.

frontporchtalker

P.S. Of course, I am editing this AFTER I’ve already opened the proverbial barn door…..ha, ha.
fpt

Wini

frontporchtalker, rest assure. We’ve all been where you’ve been … just different names but same shenanigans. Everyone on this site hears you loud and clear! We have that secret language called TRUTH. And, Truth will set you free!

Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.

Betty

Hi, fpt!

I’m glad you’re here because you’re in THE right place to get support, but I’m so sorry for all you’ve had to go through that brought you here.

I encountered a female narcissist/psychopath who ended my academic career at thesis level. This is the link to my story:

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/03/04/letters-to-lovefraud-she-turned-into-a-snarling-spitting-monster/

People frequently think the relationship has to be a romantic attachment, but that’s simply not true: a sociopath anywhere in one’s life can tear you apart in a way that can’t be described to someone who hasn’t been through it. Another assumption, as you’ve described, is that women can’t be that evil. Oh, yes they can! Our social expectation is that women are more compassionate and caring, but to a sociopath, that’s just an ideal cover.

I’m still picking up the wreckage of my life years later, and it’s been like surviving an internal tornado. My family think I’m crazy because of the PTSD, but they also see me moving forward with my life as best I can. Al-Anon has been extremely helpful, because my dad was a mean drunk, and drunk people can behave like psychopaths. I also find community here, though I mostly read now and seldom post. I’ve been able to sleep through the night lately, and even had some healing recovery dreams where I confront the n/p and tell her to stay out of my head.

Kathleen Hawk’s series (posted here on LF) called “After the Sociopath” helped me tremendously, as did every post I’ve read. Even though I’ll probably never meet you guys, people like OxDrover, Matt, and Elizabeth Conley, and so many others are now kind, loving, feisty voices in my head, urging me on to rebuild my new life. I am beginning to learn to trust again — even myself — but with healthy boundaries firmly in place.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. No one who hasn’t been through it can possibly understand the total disruption, that seems to occur from virtually a cellular level because our very cores as human beings are shattered by these people lacking humanity. I hope you can find your way to some peace, though at times I realize it seems impossible.

Wishing you the very best,
Betty

purewaters3

FPT,

My heart breaks when I see the frantic tone in your words. I know the fear you’re going through – and the speed at which you’re going to try to keep it all together, and tie up the loose ends to make sure you get away from your sociopath(s).

I can also relate to the “crazy” card being pulled. These fantastical devils are so good at the unexpected, that when you try to repeat their actions to others, it backfires… especially when you’re shaky, panicked and falling apart at the seams…

Good luck to you.

Just remember to take a deep breath and enjoy the small moments in between the panic. And remember, eventually, this will pass, and you will have peace again… without the constant fear. (I know this because I used to worry everyday and every moment – now, it’s a little less and less) : )

Welcome Front Porch Talker, I too shall look forward to your writing and posting here, and extend my regrets that you had to go through so much trauma. Wonderful that you are able at this point to “see the light” , and actually feel that there is a clarity of vision that you did not have before.

Quite a few of us have also expressed this view, that – despite whatever real difficulities we are having putting our house back in order, that there is a new calm and peace, a new worldview, and internal perspective, that makes us “richer” for the experience of having survived one or more of these creatures.

It really is still shocking to me, to read stories like yours, (I know you have only just begun to share) of the devastation these people can cause, and the good hearted, sane, rational, intelligent people they can so blithely destroy, ( well, almost, because here we are surviving and soon thriving.)

Perhaps it is no accident that the media only focuses on the rabidly sinister, violent, most obvious types of S’paths, leaving most of us to learn about them through bitter experience. If we were all more aware, we might focus on weeding them out from their positions of power. You know, the ones like BP’s Hayward, posing as victim, whining that he – yes poor him, wants his life back. And after all it is only a very small spill in a very big ocean. Aaaargh..they are everywhere it seems.

But having awakened to their evil we are empowered. First to weed them out of our personal lives, to name them and shame them, (if only they had some) then hopefully to become empowered collectively, through a new consciousness, to weed them out of their positions of power and control in civil society.

How many fellow victims are there I wonder, who – unaware of what they have been dealing with, are still suffering the guilt and depression of the aftermath, and blame themselves, or feel weak and powerless? Imagine if they too became empowered through the knowledge of just how aberrant these people are.

I will look forward to reading more of your posts and hope you recieve the widest possible readership. The more we are able to educate on this issue, the more chance we have to shut down their game.

Peace and love, A

Cat

Dear FPT,
Welcome to LF! Your story is heart wrenching and all too familiar to so many of us. There is a universal understanding on this site that comes from all of us having similar stories, dealing with similar emotions and working through the healing process. Just TELLING the story is a step in the right direction and I, like many others, wait for the 2nd part of your story.

When I finally understood what my ex was, it was rather like coming out of a coma of sorts. I had been in a place where I questioned my own sanity and I believe today that in order to cope with these insane circumstances, we sometimes have to be a little crazy ourselves. At least, I was.

Once I knew what I was dealing with, once I had NAME for this type of behavior, there was no turning back and I could only push forward. I left him. Flew all the way across the country. He followed and that was followed by another time span of his insane behavior. When he was finally gone, I had peace and yet I was left to deal with all of these emotions. He had taken everything I had spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. That was then and this is now.
I have NO CONTACT as much as possible with him and that’s been a key to my healing. While we have a son together, the ex is quickly fading from the role of father as well.

You are SO in the right place! Welcome again!
Hugs,
Cat

Nora

FPT,
Was sorrowed to read part 1 of what you’ve endured and are going through and I wish you the best. Waiting to read more and one of your satirical pieces to be posted later.

The front porch has been referenced in responses to my letter to lovefraud so I’m glad to find you here. Even though we’re here for similar reasons, the comraderie offered and felt here is what brings us back to the front porch, or garden, or any other place we feel safe.

So glad that you and all of the readers and posters here have found this site and hope all will do as I am by spreading the word about LF and trying to get more recognition so “victims” find us sooner to start their healing process.

Join me in the garden some time to smell the roses and I’ll join you on the front porch.

pollyannanomore

Dear Front Porch Talker
I see from your post that you have been through a hellish time. I was married to a psychopath and suffered more than a decade of abuse before realising what he is and the fact that I was being abused. It is truly horrific that the general public isn’t better educated about psychopathy – had I only known the real symptoms I might have stood a chance of getting out earlier and saving some more of my sanity. As it was I hit rock bottom mentally after about three years and spent the rest of the time trying to claw my way back to the light while the psychopath kicked me hard at every opportunity he got.

I’ve been doing a little research into revenge methods and think your tormentors may have got their ideas from a site like this :

http://www.student.uit.no/~paalde/revenge/Scripts/X/

Iif they are changing your mailing address without your knowledge, may I suggest you inform your mail provider of what is happening and put a password (one that is very obscure and unlikely to be guessed) on the account so they cannot change it.

I hope reading through the site will give you an idea of some of the things they may do to make your life hell. My ex is not stealing my mail, but did have a redirection done and all my mail was going to him so I changed my name very quickly to stop it. My ex is not doing revenge tactics at this stage, but rather is starting a nice smear campaign to make me look like a horrible person – naturally none of this is true. It is a cowardly tactic to employ – always makes me think of playground games where children will yell an insult from across the playground but won’t come up to say it to the person’s face. Gutless.

What has happened to all of us here is attempted murder – and not a quick attempt. But rather an attempt that took place over months or years or decades. Psychopaths attempt to murder us psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. That has a profound effect when we’re out of the toxic relationship – the echoes of the abuse carry on for so long. And hardly anyone understands the aftermath.

I’m so sorry you have been through all this – recovery is long and slow and it’s very dificult to trust after this. After all if we’ve met one what’s to say we won’t bang into an other one? I know I couldn’t survive another encounter with one of these devils – I’m just too fragile after my ordeal. I hope you find some peace soon – certainly now you are surrounded by people who understand – we won’t tell you to ‘just get over it’ or ‘just get on with your life’ – it’s just not possible after one of these encounters.

bluejay

pollyannanomore,

“I know I couldn’t survive another encounter with one of these devils – I’m just too fragile after my ordeal.” I second what you say, hearing you loud and clear. It is an unbelievable, hellish journey (full of more pain than I thought was humanly possible), wiping you out. Recovery is slow, getting there on wobbly legs.

Buttons

Bluejay, what I have found interesting in my personal experiences is that, when I thought myself to be most fragile, this would be the time when I ran up against another one of these Things.

Each encounter becomes easier and easier to peg for what it is, and walking away, shutting them down, excising them from my life, and taking away another tiny bit of wisdom is how it has progressed. Yes, I may find myself in the middle of another spath mess with a new, and more creative spath, but I’ll have this site to refer to for the red flags and the resources to take care of Buttons.

pollyannanomore

Bluejay – normal people just don’t understand it. You can’t possibly understand it till you’ve been through it. I’ve taken time out from dating to educate myself as best as I can because next time I bang into one I want to be able to recognise them quickly and cut them off cold.

Buttons – t hat’s my fear. It would be easy to recognise them if they were each fascimile copies of one another but each is different and the disorder manifests in a multitude of ways. I’m developing my intuition and listening to it – that may be the best warning system we have in addition to education about signs and symptoms.

blueskies

“What has happened to all of us here is attempted murder ”“ and not a quick attempt. But rather an attempt that took place over months or years or decades. Psychopaths attempt to murder us psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. That has a profound effect when we’re out of the toxic relationship ”“ the echoes of the abuse carry on for so long. And hardly anyone understands the aftermath.”
That is so amazing Polly:).So well put.

bluejay

Buttons,

I hope that I am through encountering these people. What’s interesting is that I have learned that two people I know through work might have a spath in their lives (just from talking to them, finding out what they have experienced, causing me to suspect that they might have exposure to a spath). One person is 25 years old, having lived with a guy for several years, raising kids together. Yesterday, I was talking to her, telling her a little bit about myself, why I was separated from my h-spath and she told me that as I was talking, a bell went off in her head, realizing that her boyfriend has a problem with lying too. We had to end our conversation (busy at work) and she looked at me, smiled, and said, “you are not alone.” That was somewhat comforting to hear, thinking to myself that she is so young and unfortunately involved with a guy who lies. Personally, when I was her age, I would like to think that I would not have stuck it out with such a person, moving on to someone having a better character. What I need to try and do is make my life as rich as possible, Silvermoon, being right about how precious life is, not wasting it on stuff that is so unproductive, dragging you down. It’s hard to do when you have to deal with the nitty-gritty in life, sometimes others throwing stuff your way that ticks you off. Take care.

bluejay

pollyannanomore,

Your posts are very helpful, totally relating to your experiences. You are very good at describing your experiences and the aftermath of getting tangled up with a spath. Your life is blown to smithereens and somehow you have to get up and make a new life, hopefully, one that is DRAMA free. That’s my goal. These people create problems galore, so you spend your time trying to resolve problems, thinking one is taken care of, then another one pops up. To me, it is a life of never-ending problems, getting sick of the whole mess. That’s another reason to get them out of your life.

Dani S

I have been thinking of you all at the moment but my computer is at the doctors so haven’t been able to get on as much as I would like
pollyannanomore what you said about attempted murder really hit home to me. My ex H Spath used to verbally attack me for years, usually when he felt he needed to be defensive to deflect me asking him question. I would be so confused what I was even getting yelled at half the time and he always ended it with, “Just kill yourself Dani” ” look at you, you are a worthless c…” In the end not only did I feel totally worthless but being told to kill my self over and over in the end I thought maybe I should. It was like he was trying to talk me into it…. I am sure he would have loved to have played the poor widow of a mental women that killed herself. How heartless are these people, they love to destroy people and why? I only ever wanted to love him. I also had a break down and my therapist said I was suffering from PTSD

FPT just keep writing and writing, it makes you feel so much better putting it out.
I try to use the pain to make my life better, I will have a great life without him in spite of him lol…how dare they take us for everything we have and then go for more, destroying our souls, trust and love for life that we had before we met them.
And also our good names, my ex is still currently telling the worst possible lies about me so people feel sorry for him, I wish he would just fall down a big black hole and stay there.

Anyway I met someone really nice and think it maybe L….. but it is hard to get used to this one not texting every hour and phoning all the time and dropping in and not going home and not talking about our amazing future together and not wanting to borrow money…. i guess he is normal but it kind of feels weird being with someone after a all too consuming Spath! 🙂

Buttons

Dani S, good for you! Take it slow and just be vigilant.

The slow murder of the soul is probably worse than anything else. It is insidious, and I didn’t see how it was progressing.

Very good posts on this board.

Dani S

Hi Buttons,
It was a very good post and reminded me of how cruel and sinister they can be. Thank you and I am taking it slow and vigilant, it raises a lot of anxiety starting a new relationship. The fear of going through a relationship like the last one sometimes makes you want to crawl up into that protective ball and not bother. But I have to start living again so i will with my damaged heart and soul try start to trust again. I just don’t think i could survive another spath! There have been no red flags yet so fingers crossed, just seemed weird being with someone that is not selling me the world. It is calm and peaceful! 🙂

Buttons

Dani S, that’s wonderful to hear! And, it’s weird not feeling off-balance, isn’t it? That’s absolutely wonderful!!!

Brightest blessings to you!!!!

Dani S

Thank you Buttons, it is just weird and nice being able to think lol. The spaths have you in such a spin! Hope you have been well & brightest blessings right back at ya 🙂

frontporchtalker

hOWDY all friends,
Whewwww! That was really scary, but I’m back now.

I sure did love reading everything from y’all, up here on the front porch, from where I sit in my proverbial front porch chair, sipping my proverbial front porch espresso ( quad shots!)–have I mentioned that I am SERIOUS about my caffeine?
ha, ha….Now that I’m finished being the cowardly lion, maybe I can sit back and read all your great posts in leisure….
Won’t y’all join me?
Can I get you something to drink? Or maybe some boiled peanuts and sweet tea?
Yummmmm.
(I’m from the south)…

Yours,
The Front Porch Talker-at-large

frontporchtalker

P.S. As the Front Porch Talker, i also write etiquette pieces.

I should mention here that, due to CERTAIN Sociopaths in my life, who shall go unnamed, (they know who they are)..

.I began writing the (mostly) humorous Front Porch Talker column. I haven’t published them yet. I write them for friends (and other fortunate souls)….

That humor and deciding to finish my novel are the sole reasons why I have survived—and will thrive maybe–after knowing Sociopaths.
Anywho, if any of you are interested in being entertained, maybe I’ll post a few of the etiquette pieces I wrote.

They’re called: “Etiquette for the Clueless: Mind Your OWN Business!”

Well, that’s all for now. Have to set a spell and think on this.
FPT

frontporchtalker

P.S.S. I may also post a rather serious Front Porch Talker Item that I wrote, called:
“Committed,” which is about the time my (now former) best friend committed me…..
It’s still pretty funny in a dark sort of way…
FPT!

glinderella

Hello Frontporchtalker!

I too experienced an involuntary commitment by my sister who I now understand 50 years too late that she is a Spath to the nth degree…I allowed her to gaslight and manipulate me for most of my life…she baited me with a nasty email accusing me of something I did not do and asked me “how can you live with yourself?” I cynically and sarcastically replied that I couldn’t and I should kill myself….she had me locked up as soon as she recvd the email and never called to check it out…I take responsibility for not rooting her out of my life many years ago..I take responsibility for finally snapping under the pressure of 50 years of systematic manipulation and control…But I do not take responsibility that she admittedly pimped me out to her sex abuser for financial gain….she admitted it and in order to cover her tracks…she had to bait me into looking like the crazy one…she is my only blood sister and I had to go through 5 days in hell being locked up to finally accept that she had no heart, no conscience and no love for me.

She continually professed and at our last meeting at our Father’s funeral whispered in my ear, I love you…this profession is the spaths “get out of jail free card” and we have all allowed the words and not the actions to make ourselves vulnerable in hopes that these mere words were true…they never were and they never will be.

I have heard it said that first we must betray ourselves in order to be betrayed…but I was a child when I got caught in her spider web and what she orchestrated and stood by and let happen to me is not my fault…but it is my responsibility to heal and heal I am doing…no longer demanding that she be accountable…her admitting it after 40 years only made her more determined to undermine and annihilate me….

We all survive trauma with our humanity intact or we don’t…those that don’t MUST pay their pain forward and hurt as they were hurt and they have no compunction to own their evil or their actions…they wouldn’t believe it if it were videotaped! It took me so many years to get that.

Thank you for sharing your story…I thought this had only happened to me…I too, got myself out of there…and now I know I can depend on myself slowly but surely….sometimes we all must hit BOTTOM and face painful truths about life that aren’t what we want to realize and believe…it hurts…and it must be grieved and accepted. I am getting great professional help.

Your loving and trusting nature is like chum to a shark…predators smell prey and they MUST have a victim to SURVIVE…you are only an object to them….because they lost their humanity somewhere along the way, they cannot and will not own and value yours..

I know what you mean about it being funny in a way…when I told the other patients why I was in that place when they asked…they were blown away..but you I was deeply traumitized by the experience and now I know anything is possible…good and evil…

Wishing you healing and enLIGHTENment..
Glinderella

your fellow

survivorlady

Glinderella,
I really do understand the trauma that one goes through after being with a vampire. I was married with one for almost 20 years and after he left, I realized how toxic the relationship was. I have been in no contact for almost 1 year, he discarded me and my two children 18, and 14 and simply turned off the switch. My story is a long one, but he was so attentive for most of my marriage that I did not realize that he was manipulating me and the kids. When his mask dropped, I was stunned. I did not know anything about sociopaths until I stumbled on this blog, and my face dropped.
He was violent just before he left, and my kids realized that he was not the father they had once known. The “illusion” was not the man we knew. After he left, he did not bother to come back. He did not bother because he knew me and the kids had discovered him, and he had no use for us. Threw us in garbage and left. Its a good thing he left on his own accord, because he does not stalk us. I am grateful that its all legalities now, however I am having a hard time wraping my head around what happened. I loved him, had two kids with him, miss him, and my heart will be broken forever. I know that he was an “illusion”. But its really hard to explain that to my heart. I gave him all I had, he was my husband and I was a good wife. I was proud of my family and two kids, I thrived on making them happy, which in turn made me happy. When I found out that he was a sociopath, I think I went into shock, how could he not love me ? How could he not love his own flesh and blood ? To me this was too much …
AFter over 1 year not seeing him, I do not miss the man who just before he left hurt me physically, I do not miss the man who tortured me emotionally, I miss the man the I married. I cry every night, not in front of my kids, cannot let them see me weak. I need to be strong for them, they have gone to therapy, and are truly understanding that their father is sick and it has nothing to do with them, but they have alot of anger inside. They want nothing to do with him, and I cannot even mention his name. I am trying to be mother and father, and it is hard, but I do have alot of family support. I hope my heart will heal, but I really do beleive that this ordeal has left me permanently crippled inside. Its a handicap that no one will see, except me. I have dated since he left, but I cannot connect emotionally. My ex was exciting when I met him, and I guess that affect still lingers, I realize it was not a normal courtship, but he mesmirized me and I guess that still lingers inside. Can anyone charm me like he did ? I do not know. My main focus is to take care of my kids, because my ex wants nothing to do with them. Its a legal battle.
I know in my heart that I am very fortunate that he left, but my biggest hurdle is getting over the heartache, its not healing and its quite painful.
Thank you everyone for your posts, it really help quite a bit to know that there are more out there….although I would not want this pain on anyone.
Take care all.

Ox Drover

Dear Survivorlady,

Yes, they enchant and charm us, and it IS EXCITING, that is the MASK they wear, the FAKE that they are….and it takes some getting used to a man/woman who is NOT that “charming” (and FAKE) who is real and steady and good and kind.

I don’t think you are injured forever, I think you will heal, I think we all will, but it TAKES TIME, not just a month or a year, and sometimes it takes quite a few years, but we do heal!

In less than a month it will be 6 years since my husband was killed in a plane crash here at our little airport, and I am finally through the grief process over losing him. Less than a year later I got caught in the webb of a PSYCHOPATHIC male friend and BINGO! I was so excited and soo hooked. Four months of “heaven” FOUR OF HELL, and then more time grieving over that lost relationship. Have only had a couple of dates since then, but you know, I am loving being single now, the FREEDOM it has to make my own time, to be totally selfish and do my own thing without having to worry about someone else. GREAT!!!!!!

Take your time. Enjoy the time you have with your kids NOW, that won’t remain unchanged forever! ENJOY each day and don’t worry about a relationship or not, it will get better, I promise you, and in the meantime, enjoy your kids! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your peace!

imfree

It totally sucked, it has been 2 yrs now, that I finally got rid of my psycho, and I sit here and think of all the shit I’ve been thru, it’ was a never ending nightmare.

My psycho came for a visit and decided to stay for a while
then she conned me, and slowly but surely moved in.

Things started to unramble very quickly, she tried very hard to take control of me and my house, I couldn’t get rid of her.

I fought back, she stabbed me in the eye, I got drunk and started throwing her and her shit out of my house, she called the cops, and had me arrested for domestic violence, and false imprisonment,

She kicked my cat in the mouth and knocked out a few teeth,
she would call constantly all hours of the night screaming, threatening me, telling me she was going to fuck me up.
IF i wouldn’t open the door, she would sit by the door ringing the bell for hours crying, talking bad about me to my neighbours.
My life was a living hell, and she was my own personal demon

I unmasked her, she let go

Life is getting better, some days are good, some days are
better/
No more psycho,

Buttons

Hang in there, Imfree – it takes a good, long while to process our experiences. Step by step, inch by inch, mile by mile, we trudge down our healing paths until we can look back, at some point, and see that we’ve come a very long way and the spath is just a speck in the distance.

Nope, the healing path isn’t warm and fuzzy, or a skip-to-my-lou trip. It’s grueling, it’s painful, and it’s demanding. But, in the end, the point is that it’s HEALING and part of the process of healing is to embrace, recognize, and let go of those experiences in a positive, healthy manner. Having learned our ugly lessons about spathy and human nature, we can then make better decisions based upon hard-earned wisdom.

Brightest blessings!

Buttons

Survivorlady, {{{Gentle hugs}}} OxD has it spot-on. They present such a desirable personna and it’s simply an act based upon their personal observations. They mimic “normal” human emotions, devotion, love, concern, etc., but they cannot FEEL those things as others do.

I like the site ID, Survivorlady – you ARE a Survivor, and every day is a day of gratitude to be free of the lie.

Brightest blessings!

Ox Drover

Dear Imfree,

I think the healing path starts out on a rocky road learning about THEM, but as we progress it get to an area where we are learning about OURSELVES. That’s where the major healing comes in I think.

Sure, they are heartless, no conscience, glib, superfiscial, etc. but how could I continually put up with the DEVLUATION of my worth? How could I tolerate the trivalization or ignoring of my needs, my feelings, my self? THOSE are the 64-thousand-dollar questions that need answering!

I can’t control them, but doggone it I can control my REACTIONS and my own thinking and validate my own reality.

Hang in there, you are on the RIGHT ROAD, just follow the light!

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend