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My Psychopath Sperm Donor Used My Child to Trap Me- It Backfired!

I grew up believing that no matter what happened — a woman’s role was to keep her Family together.  I believed that having a mother AND a father in the home together was the best scenario no matter what.  Clearly, this was before I met pure evil – my son’s sperm donor “Luc”.  While my family growing up was not perfect, the problems we suffered now seem as if they were “minor league” and life with Luc was like “major league” problems.  While I was in it, however, I remember fighting like hell, turning the other cheek, and making excuses in an attempt to convince myself that it was still possible for me to keep this “family” together so that my son could have two parents.

The handcuffs I created (and he exploited):

Looking back on things, Luc picked a great target in me.  I am honest, educated, have a great job, and I am loyal to those I love.  Once I was pregnant, he knew that I would suffer through horrible abuse and hang on for dear life despite the “signals” he was dropping along the way.  He knew how important family was to me and he used this as a weapon against me.  As time went by and I felt my son kicking inside of me, I clung to the idea that I needed to keep my family together for my son.  I remember feeling as if leaving wasn’t an option.  It was as if my own misplaced loyalty had become invisible handcuffs that were keeping me in a situation that was headed straight toward disaster.

After the baby, Luc turns up the fire:

When I first learned I was pregnant, I was terrified.  From the beginning, I was terrified that I would end up a single mother.  Clearly there were things that already felt wrong that I wasn’t allowing myself to fully accept.  When Luc learned of the pregnancy, his first reaction was anger (as if I impregnated myself).  Almost as immediately as the rage appeared, Luc made it disappear when he realized my shock and confusion.  Though briefly, the mask had fallen.  While there had been a few red flags before the baby news, Luc turned up the fire of chaos after I became pregnant.  If I didn’t know better, I would wonder if he had planned the pregnancy as a way to turn up my loyalty and keep me in chains.  Before Luc, I had always been extremely careful about using protection to avoid pregnancy, but his bullying and rages had worn me down and I had given in to his insistence on not using protection.

I still have trouble with the idea that Luc had been able to take me from a strong woman and talk me into a vulnerable situation from which I would never recover while in his reach.  I used to be that person who would judge women for staying in abusive situations – now I am one who is judged for “choosing” to have a child with a monster.

Though it was years ago, it seems like just yesterday when I was crying alone in the bedroom after Luc shut off the heat in the house (in the middle of winter) in order to get me to pay more of his bills.  (Note:  I was already paying his entire mortgage in addition to my own.)  While me and his older son froze, Luc escaped to the basement where he turned on the heat and waited until I agreed to pay the bills.  I remember realizing that night that no matter how hard I tried, this situation wasn’t going to last.  That night, however, I stayed through the abuse.  I told myself that even though Luc was mean, he hadn’t hit me.

The more pregnant I became, the meaner Luc got.  Each month, the chaos fire appeared to be getting hotter and Luc kept pushing me further as if to test the limits of my loyalty.  What started with “temperature abuse” (yep, I just created that term) turned into emotional abuse and sexual manipulation.  During my pregnancy was when Luc dropped the bomb on me that he expected me to have sex with other men.  When I refused to have sex with the gardener in order to obtain free lawn services for Luc, he told me that he was no longer attracted to me.  Still, I didn’t consider this abuse as I never ended up with a black eye.

The flaw in his grand plan:

By the time I gave birth, it was clear that Luc believed there was nothing he couldn’t get away with doing to me.  He knew that I was loyal and that because we shared a child, I would go to the end of the earth for him regardless of whether he deserved it.  He knew that I wanted to believe he was a good person so bad that I was ignoring obvious red flags.  What he did not anticipate, however, was that my love for my son would force me to have a life saving “come to Jesus” moment.

A week before my son’s birth, my doctor suggested we induce labor because I had symptoms of elevated liver enzymes.  Luc, however, had other plans.  He kicked and screamed and had his usual toddler style fit.  He wanted baby boy to be born on a specific date and didn’t care that his life could be in danger.  After listening to the verbal abuse on the phone from Luc, something snapped inside of me.  While I had spent the last few months walking on egg shells around what Luc wanted to do, I made the decision without him to induce labor in order to save my son.

The moment my son was born and his little eyes locked with mine, I knew that it was my responsibility to protect him.  This reality wore on me for the weeks I remained in Luc’s house after my son’s birth.  Though it took only a couple of weeks after my son was born to finally leave (in addition to a terrible and unimaginable action by Luc), I still have moments every day where I feel ashamed I didn’t leave sooner.  My “come to Jesus” moment came in the form of maternal instinct.  My son’s life was more important than keeping together this dangerously flawed family.

My new normal:

The hell I lived through with Luc has taught me many difficult lessons.  One of the hardest lessons I have learned is what in my own childhood led me straight into the arms of Luc.  While I won’t get into painful details of my childhood, some of the behavior that would have sent many other people running for the hills appeared normal to me (or at least seemed tolerable).  It shouldn’t have taken my strong maternal instincts to realize that I deserved to be treated better than Luc was capable of treating me.

Some people reading this might wonder if Luc’s plan had really backfired or not.  Sure, I have been fighting him in the last year through our Custody War; however, I have ALWAYS been free since the day I fled his house.  What I am going through now is no picnic, but I thank God every day that I was strong enough to walk out and leave that life behind.  Luc expected me to stay and continue allowing him to be a parasitic vampire who sucked the life out of me.  Instead, he sealed his fate as that angry little toddler whom I complain about in blog posts.

Having a child forced me to fast forward in my mind to a day when I would have a heart to heart conversation with baby boy.  What would I tell him about the choices I had made?  What would I want him to understand about this situation?  In the face of a terrifying discovery of what Luc really was, I knew that I couldn’t be the kind of mother I wanted for baby boy and stay.

During that “future” conversation with my son, I imagine telling my son how important he is to me and how thankful I am for him.  I also imagine telling him about how hard it was for me to make the decision to raise him by myself, but how I would do it again in a heart beat because it was the only way I knew how to protect him.  I want my son to see my new normal.  The normal where people love, respect, and trust each other.  My new normal is psychopath free.


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16 Comments on "My Psychopath Sperm Donor Used My Child to Trap Me- It Backfired!"

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CappuccinoQueen, my god, he is, indeed, a monster – a Thing walking around in a human shell.

Of course, he intended for you to become preganant. Not because he “wanted a son,” but to keep you bound to him using your own values of loyalty and duty. That ratshit bastard!

You are moving in such a positive direction, CQueen. That you are telling the story and relating it to your core issues is a beautiful testament to where you are on your Healing Path.

I hated the personal epiphanies that I experienced – the facts about how my shame and guilt-cores were formed. Seriously, I hated that the exspath had been able to exploit lifetime vulnerabilities, but the truths about ME turned my focus of recovery onto my Self. “What HE did to ME” began to dwindle and become “What I need to fix so that I’m never victimized, again.”

It’s not pretty. It’s not warm or fuzzy. It’s dammed painful and causes me to feel grief at what “should” have been, had I been raised to be an independent, self-assured woman with strong boundaries. But, what “should be” rarely (if ever) crosses paths with what “is,” and I can only work with what I have.

Your experiences are so inspiring, CQueen, and sharing the steps of your personal healing is thoroughly encouraging to me. Thank you SO much for your strength, courage, determination, and honesty. You are a beacon to those of us who are stuck, struggling, and fearful.

Brightest blessings to you

Cappucinoqueen,

What a monster! I’m glad you got away and that it was your son who helped you see right from wrong!

Spaths like to make women pregnant. Yes there is the lifelong tool of a leash they can try to bind you with, but in its most simple meaning I think pregnancy is the ultimate parasitic thing they can put a woman through. A spath parasites financially and materially upon us. While he mayy spend all of our money we need to feed ourselves for drugs, pleasure, etc… a growing foetus automatically uses our body in order to grow. If we do not eat enough, it’s not the foetus that will go without nutricients, but us. I don’t regard a foetus as a parasite, but I can intellectually understand why a spath would see it like that and enjoy It’s the closest thing to taking full possession of a woman.

Thruthspeak,

I’ve always been independent and when I met the spath very self-assured as well as having in general healthy boundaries (for normal people). I still got involved longer than I needed to be anyhow. I was just too empathic, clueless about spaths, too loyal, too understanding, and too generous for my own good. Neither my parents who raised me with an idealistic perception of humans, nor myself knew about spaths in such a way.

What I’m trying to say is that the “should have been” still may not have been what “would have been” had you been raised differently. though of course the “would have been” would have differred from “what was”.

Darwinsmom, you’re 100% spot-on about “what should have been.” There are many, many victims of spaths that had strong boundaries and self-esteem that were ruined by predators.

I am what I am, today. I can’t go back an change events as they formed me, nor can I undo what’s already been done. But, what I CAN do is recognize where I failed myself and gave someone else more importance than my own well-being. I come first, these days, and I don’t allow fear of rejection or that someone won’t “like” me to factor into the equation. I don’t “need” approval or acceptance, anymore – well, I won’t allow myself to “feel” that I do.

Self-validation is what it boils down to for me. And, I am ultra-reserved in expressing empathy, anymore. Although I am concerned for others and I “care” about them, I work very hard at keeping those cards close to my vest.

Brightest blessings

Dear C’queen The different parts of our lives are like building blocks, one course upon another, so that if the first course laid down (our childhoodS) is not straight, it is difficult to level up and straighten up the succeeding courses.

Sometimes we must tear down to that first level and “reset” those stones in our very foundations….so that we can build along a plumb line that is straight.

I’m glad that you are making that move and that you are getting your life together for your son and for yourself.

TOWANDA!!!! Keep on moving! You’re going in the rigt direction! God bless.

CappQ,

I can so, relate to your story. It took a couple of weeks from the birth of my daughter to serve the order of protection on her bio hazard. I remember the day I went to the court and looked at the judge 9 months pregnant prior to my labor being induced and the judge gave the person in front of my case a hard time. I was nervous and felt sick. When it was my turn to speak before this judge unbeknownst to me, she was familiar with psycho and asked is this man who threatened to kill you and the baby the father? I stared at her and stated, “the father of my child is unknown.” I felt full body humiliation. I felt I just said I was everything I never was. A slut, whore who doesn’t even know who the father of her child is. She looked in my eyes and signed it without another word. Over the next couple of years she signed 2 more and added in her own writing protection for the child by listing the childs name as I didn’t know to do this.

I was impregnated by contraception sabotage. Holes in the condom to bind me with psycho for eternity I guess. It was something too bizarre to believe so I shoved that information into the back of my mind. His best friend said it again in 2009 when the child was almost 10 years old. I was able to accept this happened finally and read it is not as uncommon as we’d like to think from abusers.

You will make it. Your strength shows through in your words. Even though Luc tripped you up, your strength will prevail and your son will be better for it. I recall mourning the death of that family unit for my daughter. I really felt it like a death. I believed as you did. Mothers love overrides all the programming when it comes to our children by nature. At least with the mothers I have respect for as I have seen those too weak to leave who sacrificed their children while ignoring their childrens well being.

Good luck and I am glad you are getting this wrapped up now. I wish peace for you and your son abd for Luc to lose interest and you to be the roll model he needs. I felt a bit of sadness when my daughter would say at 3 and a half, “Hi Mommy/Dad” in front of the kids at her daycare. I just smiled and said I know what I’m going to be for holloween. Half suit/half dress, half mustache/half not and so on. It was a funny thought.

I did not know he was a spath at the time in spite of the red flag of him raping his roommate’s girlfriend and getting thrown out. I felt sorry for him. How did he know I was pregnant before I did? He wanted to entrap me. I was only 18, a freshman in college, so young, naive and had just lost my mother to cancer. I did not want to marry him. I tried to run from the church. Then, over five years later I thought I got him back by having a second child. His first response was “it is not mine” and then when she was born he dumped our son and targeted baby girl. I was afraid of sexual abuse because rape was his forte even in our marriage. Our son was acting out over his father’s abandonment and then I knew I had to leave. I was in fear for both of my children. I was willing to take the abuse myself as long as he was a good father but when that stopped. There was nothing left. This was back in the dark ages of the 1970’s when no one talked about sexual abuse, divorce was still a stigma against a woman and men were allowed to rape their wife. Fortunately he did not want custody, he had a new target before he moved out and I was nothing but glad and very happy to let her have him.

betsybugs,

You were stronger than you knew I bet. You went against the societal norm. Good for you and your children. I hope the wounds have healed and all is well.

Spaths absolutely use the prenancy route as a way to get the hook into you further. Not only are you financially linked to him, but you are genetically linked as well.

My spath was desperately trying to get me pregnant, and it finally worked. I ended up having a miscarriage 2 days before Christmas due to stress and physical trauma. I was devistated, but in the end I see that it was probably for the best. Just thinking about my exspath makes me cringe. I am glad I do not have to deal with him over custody as well.

The spath wanted me to get pregnant too. He even seemed to have this idea that if he wanted it to happen that day it would happen.

Once he told me he already had a son, and I didn’t end up pregnant at the moment he wanted to will it, he tried to tell me that it must be me, since he already had a son, and aired a suspicion of me being secretively on the pill. I knew he wanted to make me feel bad or a failure in some way. But I laughed and told him: “Yes, there’s a very big chance it’s me. I told you from the start that one tube can’t do it’s job, so it can only happen at one side, and it can’t be predicted which month which ovary will release an egg.” And since we couldn’t live 24/7 together constantly for the 2 years with the long distance – one month here, one month there, 3 months here, one month there – there wasn’t even a needed consistency to assess any attempt. I’ve lived with that knowledge since I was 22, and I hadn’t even tried to get pregnant before the spath. I hope I might become pregnant, but I had already reached a level of acceptance that if I didn’t then I wouldn’t. Now that I think of it, I don’t think he expected me to be so lighthearted about it. He never brought it up anymore, and this was during the last month we were physically together.

Glad though that he never fathered a child with me, like you Lady A. Meanwhile I have great admiration of any woman who raised or are raising a child fathered/mothered by a spath.

Anyhow, the spath was uncannily obsessed with it, within a month of the relationshit.

Thruthspeak,

You have every right to think your parents accountable for how they raised you.

Exactly. Don’t even go there because our minds don’t work like their minds. We will NEVER be able to figure out what was in their heads. I have made myself nuts trying and when I find myself doing it now, I just say STOP and try to focus on something else. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

I think mine wanted me in some sort of sick way to get pregnant, too. I won’t go into details, but it seems like he was thinking it. The OW also told me that he told her he wanted to have nothing less than twins with her! HA! They were both married at the time…HA!…him with two kids already in their teens and her with a little girl of only five years old. What a pity.

It’s completely about power. They love to spread their seed. It’s like “look what I can do…I created another human.” Whatever. Makes me sick.

Mine said at one point, “how come you never got pregnant?” I said, “I was on the pill for 14 years (and with the same other spath for 18 years off and on since high school). I got off the pill for health reasons and I wasn’t sexually active but when long term spath came back into the picture I didn’t bother with the pill but took precautions most of the time and never got pregnant during the oops times. Long term spath got checked and was found to have a very low sperm count. I got checked and it showed I had the working parts but a painful test would have to be done and unless I was intending to get pregnant, not to bother. So I told new (boy toy short term) spath I didn’t believe I could get pregnant but we still used protection for STD protection as we were up front about this being a short term holiday affair type thing (at least I meant it). Very out of character for me but I was in a very lonely place. He asked if I got pregnant would I have an abortion and I said I didn’t think I could. The fact he asked if I’d keep the baby and I wasn’t falling for him, I believe he came up with the impulsive decision to get me pregnant and close the deal and live happily ever after.

After I found out I was pregnant by fluke, his first words were, “well then we have to get married”. I was stunned. I said “no we don’t”. Deflation of a spath is dangerous. Suddenly the permanency of his impulsive actions set in and the outcome wasn’t what he planned so the next thing was panic and unraveling and calling a crisis line (while I had no idea what was happening and this is all based on 20/20 hindsight vision). He told the crisis line he had auditory hallucinations of the devil who has tried to take him down since childhood and is telling him to cut the baby out of my stomach and kill us all. I was in the house getting ready for work still thinking we would figure out how to co-parent and have the baby. The SWAT team and helicopters at my house really blew my mind.

They act on impulse. They think they know at that moment how it will all go and then Ka Pow! Nope and backpeddle at all cost.

At the ultrasound I made him attend to find out the babys sex in hopes to help him bond with the baby (I still thought he was freaked about being a father only) when the woman said “it looks like you’re having a healthy baby girl!” I was elated. He said, “there’s always adoption”!!! We both looked at him in shock and disgust. So he said “we can try again”. This is when I realized “girls” were not a good thing to him. I was appalled and said in the most horrible tone I could muster, “we weren’t trying this time”…….

I found out later his father had his mother under complete control when she left and remarried through the kids so I think this is where he learned this trick I was unaware of.

The rest is wreckage. So yes they premeditatedly impregnate their targets. Especially professional women with assets.

Their pregnancy focus, from very early on, is a huge red flag to me.

Louise, spath mentioned twins running in his family too. He wanted a girl though, Eralyn. It really surprised me when he hadn’t told me about his son, born while he was in Belgium with me. He told me he had wanted the Nica girl of 19 to abort the child (not legal in Nicaragua). His mother housed the girl as well as his son, and basically financed and raised him. But they sure gave him no rights to the son. He could visit, but not be alone.

It was really strange: on the one hand he villified the girl for not aborting the mistake and being after his parents’ money, and his parents for not allowing him to raise is his son.

CappuccionoQueen, he ran from his other obligations because he simply could. In the World Of Spath, children are not vessels for souls – they are devices that are disposable and replaceable. They are simply tools to destroy. I think it was Darwinsmom (I could be wong, here) that made the correlation between spath parasites inflicting the ultimate “parasite” upon their source targets in the forms of preganancy. This is not to say that I feel that a child is a parasite, but that I agree that spaths view the unborn as such.

Darwinsmom, I agree that focus on pregnancy, reproduction, and so forth are HUGE “red flags.” And, as a counter to that, the exspath often said that he did NOT want children because he was “too selfish” to commit to raising a child. There’s 2 ends of the spectrum and spaths don’t fall anywhere in between.

Brightest blessings

To clarify how the unborn and offspring are used as tools to destroy:
How much time, money, energy, and focus is sacrificed in protecting our children from spaths? If paying attorneys and spending ridiculous amounts of time at hearings and submitting to psychological evaluations and submitting to Social Services interrogation isn’t a destruction of lives, I don’t know what would be.

I wish I would have read this post 20 years ago. So, busy trying to build a life, saw the signs and never bothered to do the research. The internet makes it so much easier to discreetly inform ourselves and make better decisions. Although a little disappointed I am glad to finally be free.

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