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10 things sociopaths want (besides money)

A Lovefraud reader recently asked the following question:

If the sociopath is not in it for money (he pays for everything with no access to my accounts) then what are other reasons to stay in a relationship if he doesn’t live with me nor do we share anything financially? Many of the posts I have read involve financial fraud.

If a sociopath has targeted you, it’s because you have something that he or she wants. Often it’s money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want:

1. Sex

Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of manipulation to get something else that they want.

2. Services

Sociopaths may want you to do something for them that they don’t want to do for themselves, such as cooking, cleaning and taking care of children.

3. Housing

Even if sociopaths don’t directly ask for money, they may suggest living together. They may say it’s because they love you, when, in fact, they have no place to go.

4. Entertainment

Perhaps you’re part of an exciting social scene. The sociopath may want to be with you just to gain access to the people you know.

5. Status

Hanging out with you may be good for their image, especially if you’re rich, famous, successful or competent. Your status boosts their status.

6. Image

Perhaps the sociopath needs a partner like you to complete the image that he or she wants to present to the company or community.

7. Cover

Your presence may help them get away with a hidden agenda. You may be providing cover for the sociopath to pursue a double life of sex, drugs or crime.

8. Connections

Sociopaths may use you, your skills and your connections in order to pursue their grandiose dreams or entrepreneurial plans.

9. Duping delight

Sociopaths enjoy getting over on people—this is called “duping delight.” They often manipulate, deceive and use people just for the fun of it. Some will seduce targets just so they can break their hearts.

10. Domination

Sociopaths feed on power and control, so they sometimes pursue domination for its own sake. They want to prove themselves more powerful than you, perhaps even powerful enough to destroy you.

If a sociopath targets you, it’s because he or she sees you as useful in some way. Once you are no longer useful, you’ll be dumped.


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82 Comments on "10 things sociopaths want (besides money)"

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Donna, thank you so much for this post. The exspath wanted all of the things that you’ve listed PLUS money.

In retrospect, it’s absurdly obvious why I was such a terrific target to him.

Ew….ew….ew

Correct on all counts! Since becoming aware of the putrid piece of human garbage, that swindled me into his lies, his depths of depravity knows no bounds. All 10 of these points have been active in my situation…except for the sex! Ha! The most important thing to him, LOLOL! he only got twice. Ughhhhhh, how pathetic it was! Services, Housing, Entertainment? Yep, he got a house to live in (he lived with his Dad for three yrs. when we got married), meals prepared, laundry services, “entertainment”, yes. He had no life of his own…so he “fed” off of mine! Status, Image, Cover…Yes, Yes, Yes. Him marrying me, gave him an “air of respectability” to his family…(“see…I’m not so bad after all?….she married me, didn’t she?) Cover? ahhhh, yes! Of course! “So I (him) can do the same thing behind my 2nd wife’s back (me), that I did behind my 1st wife’s back!” “Duping Delight”! OMG! Absolutely!!! This pathetic parasite, has absolutely enjoyed duping me! LOL! That fact was one of the hardest things to comprehend in my situation! He actually got off, on doing his things behind my back! Like sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar, and eating and relishing the taste and flavor in secret! Yes! Ohhhhhhhh, but LOL! I relish the fact that….he doesn’t know….that I KNOW what he is doing! So while he was/is playing HIS games, I have been gathering “evidence” against him…..to use in MY DEFENSE, when the time is “ripe”……..to split his “melon balls” wide open! LOLOL! In an ironic way, I am enjoying the “Duping Delight”! His stupidity, and arrogance has given me so much ammo, against him! Thanks Donna, another great article, indeed! 🙂

In retrospect, it’s almost comical how the exspath “accomplished” the goals that Donna listed. Oh, brother…..I was SUCH a perfect target! Pfffffffft (waving hand in dismissal)….not anymore. Today, I believe that anyone who doesn’t “get it” would perceive me to be selfish and emotionally unavailable and, the most interesting aspect of that is that I don’t care whether that’s the case, or not.

“Perceived to be selfish and unemotional”? Nahhh! How about “Awake and Aware”!!! Nothing wrong with being, shall we say… en guard!, in a world full of predatory animals! Oh yes, the pffffffffff! is great! I love it! :)!

Absolutely a GREAT article, Donna. I think that the “duping delight” is one of the most important things to a psychopath, that and CONTROL, but all the things you mentioned are RIGHT ON!

My X BF was looking for another “respectable wife” to cheat on. LOL

ABSOLUTELY one of the TOP TEN articles on LoveFraud!

Yeah, Donna, great article.
I often wondered what the spath wanted from me, since it COST him $$$ to have me….I had no money, and came with two small kids….he supported us, but, resented us, and let us know it. It was all about power, and supply for him.
And, yes, I would agree that the betrayal was full of duping delight for him, and also, that this duping delight is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with, but is the turning point out of cog-dis, at least for me.
He got off on hurting me, betraying me, decieving me, and confusing me…it added to the pleasure of his “ideal romance……” At my expence. Pfffffffftttttt.

I guess I never really thought about what exactly he was looking for other than money and a place to live. The idea of him enjoying everything he did to me makes me sick. But, you’re right.

Thanks Donna. Step by step I will begin to understand this whole ordeal.

Dear Donna: Absolutely.
Thanks for putting into words what my lips can’t;
sometimes I am just speechless for explanations.

There really are no explanations other than these
are ‘soul sick’ people who enjoy their venom and
evil ways. The only time they ever feel ‘powerful’
is when they can manipulate and/or frighten their
prey. They ‘get off’ on it. It’s a power boost to
put one over on the ‘nice people’. Another notch
in their belt.

ORDEAL is a great word for it, LadyA…
truly a DEBACLE in every sense of the word.

I shall be forever-and completely-astounded.

Dupey

Mine was Numbers 1 and 9. I love that Donna clarifies in Number 1 that even though they pursue sex, they are not slaves to their urges. I saw this happen to me…he used the potential for sex (not even having sex in reality) as a way to manipulate me. Wow, so true. And Number 9…Duping Delight to the max. I could see the glee in his eyes. He loves just getting over on people just for the fun of it and breaking hearts. It’s all so true and so tragic.

Definitely a very serious personality disorder.
I can’t take the schizophrenia that I witnessed.

Unbelievable.
I think I am still a little in a state of shock.
I am wondering how long it will take to wear off.

Yes, GLEE is what you see in their eyes
when they are duping and that smirk.
Unlike the smurf. Or even the smurk.

Little, exploding blue smurfs are just everywhere…

Dupey

Oh, the smirk was like none I had ever seen before…

oh yes, the smirk…
with those twinkling eyes…
the eyes of a 12 year old with ADHD,
getting away with something and just
loving every moment.

Such evilness I have never seen before
and I have seen A LOT.

xxoo

I think those of us who “get it”, if we start to speak the same language openly and calmly, using the same terms, i.e. duping delight, pity ploy, devalue & discard reptilian stare etc……….this will, in time, increase public awareness of the evil in society.

I’m healing and I sense an internal shift.

Rise of the Empaths 🙂

I think this is 1 thing the spaths don’t want. Exposure.

Spath Wrath 🙁

Donna, all very true… simple and ruthless, and nothing else behind it to question…

With me it was sex, housing, status (that most of all), possible a cover to build new hope with his father and mother that he was redeemable and thus access to housing and finances with them, duping delight and domination. I painted an x-mark upon myself when I threatened to expose him for being a con-dealer who got money from my friends to buy coke but didn’t return. What better than duping the person who threatens to expose him to every tourist he meets the ensuing month at peak season, and instead turn her into a loaylist, because he first made amends and then targeted me.

I get so frustrated because no one except the websites designated to Psychopaths, Narc, Borderlines really understand the depth and I dont know even how to explain the surface of its complexity without getting so intense and filled with pain…I was so duped..Funny thing, he stayed another year and half, dangling me along, after he took (I gave him) my money…he was loving the power and the dominance….I am so glad I am no longer his puppet. … I wish there was a way that the people on this site could list the names or nicknames of the “P” or the nicknames the “P” may have given them..I know there is a profile but the stories and the facts always make me think, “they’re talking about “P” that was in my life!!, it has to be!!”

alivetoday, I was always referred to as “The Momma.” “You’re The Momma, so you cook. The Pappa doesn’t cook.” This was during the height of the worst medical episode before he left when I would come home after 12 grueling hours and unable to walk up 4 steps to get to the door.

At some point, I’ll be naming names, dates, people, events, and the rest. Once this divorce action is settled, you’d better believe it.

Brightest blessings.

Truthspeak: So happy to hear your ‘fire’!
Mine has been growing, as well, these days.

It is almost 6 months since I have uttered a peep.
Although the stalking only ceased when I changed
my number on the first of Aug.

It just all stopped.
Except, of course, for the ‘live’ and
‘in person’ surprise visit that just
happened, last week…

Fortunately, I wasn’t home but I
was told…

I can’t believe THE HEIGHT AND DEPTH
of this obsession. I AM sorry for ‘it’,
but I am more sorry for “MYSELF”……

When someone threatens to kill you,
maim you, murder you…in colorful,
graphic detail, um, I don’t think it
takes a ‘ROCKET SCIENTIST’ to
realize it’s time to get away from
the devil.

Hang in there Truthspeak…
My love, wishes and blessings are with you.

I am stronger, right now, than I have been
in the past almost 13 years. Yes: even
INCLUDING my heart condition. Imagine that.

Dupey

They want your soul because they don’t have one.

They want to trade places with you. When you first meet them, they have nothing and you are the strong one. When they’re done with you, you are deeply in debt, weak, powerless and they walk away with the prize.

This reversal of roles leaves you feeling outraged, vengeful, vindictive. That is when you become them. and they win.

What they really wanted was for you to feel what they feel: life is unfair, whoever has the most money wins. They want you to buy into their materialistic value system because that is all they understand.

Those are the emotions they wanted. Don’t give them any.

Hmm what a valid point Skylar. I’ve been thinking about this as well. How come the roles switch? Mine did en every single little detail. I found it so strange and peculiar when it all was over, how I had become him. I even noticed it happening when we we’re togheter. I’d lost my self completely. At one point I did try to reach him by mirroring his own actions so he could see how hurtfull his behaviour was. (It never worked, he just cried over how mean I was towards him and how controlling I was bla bla bla and then he walked away with a smile on his face. Then it was ALL my fault you know…)

He used to have migranes, now I have them. He used be out of focus, now I am. I have several more examples and I hear other victims/survivors mention this as well. What actually happens in a role switch on a mental and spiritual level?
Something tells me that the “bond” you have with the spath will serve them energy even though they’re out of your life. Isn’t that why we have NC on a mental level also?
I’ve been searching for books about this topic, but can’t seem to find any. The gaslight effect mentions some and the mirroring neurons in our brain might also explain some of it but…

Wasn’t we discussing this in some other thread? How spath try to make you crazy, jealous and controlling so they’d feel better about them selves and you looking like the crazy one? I can’t remember who said it…. Crazy making= role switch?

Skylar said, “They want to trade places with you…When they’re done with you you are deeply in debt, weak, powerless and they walk away with the prize.”

That is exactly what they do and what has happened in my case. I was and am still going to school to finish my masters and he claimed that he was planning to do the same in the field of social work. He mirrored what I did, and who I was. I have been deceived into letting go much of who I was (with my church, my job, my family, school).

But my spath has learned that I haven’t given up the fight and that even all that he has put me through on my job, I am still working. I working to make sure I’ll have money and health insurance to support the son that I’m pregnant with by him. He also probably sees a way he could benefit from me having my baby. He committed welfare fraud in the past and went to prison for it. I refuse to give him the opportunity to destroy my child’s life too. If it weren’t for my parents getting involved, I’d be homeless right now because of him. I’m already a Jerry Springer case on my job because of him. He is much older than I am (similar to what Denise Michelle on youtube said in her video).

My spath wanted me for money, sex, and pleasure duping. When he was caught in a lie, he wouldn’t even say anything when standing face to face with me and if I didn’t bring the proof before his face, he’d continue lying with abandon. Now he calls me practically every day leaving these stupid voice mails claiming he loves me and the baby and wants to be a father to my child. I am debating on whether or not to change my phone number again, the timing of it all. I want phone proof that he keeps calling and to see how his attitude changes as time goes on in the voice mails so if he leaves a violent message, I can have a stronger basis for a restraining order. It sucks that law enforcement don’t take us seriously and allow this foolishness to go on. Even when my car was stolen, he lied to me at the police station and the cops refused to clear up the matter but told us to go home and talk things over. He told two stories that were conflicting and the cops wouldn’t even verify what he told them in the police report which was about my property!

Wok_chang:

I’m so sorry to hear your story. From what I read I see you are a strong woman and a clever one as well. I really do hope you can gather so much proof as possible, so you can be as free as you can from this man. ” He also probably sees a way he could benefit from me having my baby. ” – my first tried to make me pregnant as well, as a way to keep me connected to him. Either way a child is a blessing and I really do hope you are enjoying your pregnancy as best you can under the circumstances. I wish you well.

I was not exactly thinking how or why they do it, rather what happens in a detail level as such as spiritual. I’m a slow learner and need it in teaspoons.
I’m looking for the strategy, mechanisms, the individual pattern and the interaction between the two people’s patterns. I’m sorry to say, I’m a little detail freak 🙂

When I analyze things into pieces and see the strukture of it all, I go back in my memories, understand the situation, then look for my emotions, patterns and habits of reactions in it. When I’ve found it, I go thru it. Let my emotions play out. When I’m done I look at my patterns, and then change them. Then I am aware and can change the habit of response. Hard to explain…. I’m just looking for the details:)

I_survived_The_Bastard

This makes so much sense.

1. Sex – yes
2. I ended up doing everything as he decided he was too ill to do ti 9read too lazy) & I did it to try & run a normal life.
3.Yep!! He siddled his way into my flat without me having asked him. he was just ‘there’ and I didn’t know how to say no. His behaviour was beyond anything I’d encountered before. He also ‘merged’ our music collections without asking me, which I was a bit cross at as I wasn’t ready for that, but for him I suppose it was a way of worming his way into my life.
4. Not so sure about that. He was a biker so for me, he knew interesting people. My friends were more ‘normal’. Perhaps that was what he was looking for.
5. This manifested even more when I trained back into my design career. he realised I could make more money & thats when he really stopped ‘working’ as much (he has supported me for a few months while I retrained.
6. not sure about this one, except that I have an Irish background and he claimed to be irish. My mum later thought that perhaps he made himself out to be that so he was more ‘acceptable to me.
7. Possibly but not sure.
8. Definitely! He tried to use my skills by proxy to make him look more creative, taking all my photos from their albums to try & create a stock library or trying to develop creative projects that were supposed to make loads of money but ended up costing me over £1,200 as he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. He was good creatively, but had no finishing power as it were.
9. In a way. If I asked him not to do something, he would deliberately do it just to wind me up, or do the opposite entirely.
10. Yes, towards the end I wasn’t allow to cry if he’d upset me. He apparently had me by the throat at on point according to a friend, but I have no recollection of this. He would become verbally loud and throw stuff, to frighten me. There were also other ways he would manipulate me as well, but don’t want to go into those.

I_survived_The_Bastard

Yes I found that too about the role switching. After it was over I realised that he had sucked me into his behaviour patterns, I would fly off the handle at small things etc etc. I’ve worked hard to mend that and try very hard not to react to things, but sometimes out fo the blue I will if I’m caught off guard. I have to consciously try & step back.
I found by the end of the 10 years, I’d been sucked dry. I didn’t know who I was any more, had lost the ‘joy of life’ etc. again i’ve worked hard to change that, but every now & then I feel like there’s a tiny cancerous cell somewhere still waiting to take over and make me back into what I’d become. I just have to be vigilant

mine was “status”. my dreams was having lots of kids he moved us 50 miles away (isolation) he couldnt have kids and told me that after 17 yrs of marriage I did have a miracle baby. he said he married me for image, because how i dressed and my upbeat personality. we didnt have sex and I was kicked out of the bedroom yrs ago because I would not have weird sex act like a man , I think he has gay tendencies his brothers are gay, I did all the man stuff worked on house all the repairs etc…he really acted like a girl and had extreme mood swings I thought it was because he was a diebetic. he is very anti social

Feedup, sounds like the exspath that I’m divorcing! LOL

The cloak of respectability that I provided (along with the money) was what the exspath sought from me, primarily. But, the rest followed to a TEE. Donna hit the nail on the proverbial head with this article, and it REALLY helps to understand what it was that they wanted from their victims.

Once we know what it was that they wanted, it becomes an endeavor to recognize HOW they were able to then TAKE it from us. That’s where I am, now. It’s not so much about what he did, anymore – yeah, I refer to his behaviors and actions, but it’s now an education about myself and where my boundaries either failed or were nonexistent. It’s all about MY issues, now. He is what he is. I am choosing to not remain a victim or appear to be a perfect source target, again.

Brightest blessings

As a complete aside, I do not refer to the exspath as “my” ex-husband, “my” spath, or “my” anything. I am no longer associated with that parasite, and he isn’t “mine,” on any level! 🙂

Wow! Although mine definitely wanted in my purse, he even told me that he wanted me to teach him how to gain the respect of other people as I had. He told me that he was a good person, good to other people but didn’t understand why he was looked upon as a “nobody”. He was also extremely proud to have me, a successful, business woman on his arm. He introduced me to his friends and family in a manner that embarrassed me. He moved in with me right away. And, I was definitely his cover for a double life of sex, drugs and theft. He seemed to be having sex with a lot of waitresses in small diners who were struggling just to get by and he actually flaunted ME in front of them to make them feel inferior. I had no idea at the time that he was sleeping with these women but learned after he made his exit. And, when I saw that he definitely wanted in my purse, I am far from wealthy…he didn’t take me for millions or even thousands. I had a moderate income, new home, new car and good credit BUT it was more than he had ever had or probably will have. When I was dating him, one of his male co-workers (yes, he actually had a job at that time) tried to call it to my attention that some men would take advantage of a woman like me. I chuckled and asked what I had that a man could possibly take advantage of. He mentioned the new home, car, job, etc. I told him that I had a new double wide mobile home and a compact car with a sports package…a spoiler and sun roof and that I owed a fortune for both. He told me that it didn’t matter, it was MORE than a lot of men had. I really wish he hadn’t of presented his statements in such a general way. Apparently, he KNEW exactly what my ex s was up to. But, people are hesitant to get involved and that’s understandable.

tami:

Wow, that’s pretty pitiful.

The one I was involved with was the total opposite. He had all the money…the six figure career, huge house, Mercedes, BMW, everything. It was never about that with me. He was a snob…he didn’t need anyone else’s money. It was all about the duping delight and the power as he saw everyone else as stupid. Hmmmm, I kind of get it now. In a way, he is right…we are somewhat stupid and he used it to his great advantage. Now I sometimes feel like I HAVE become him…just like Skylar talked about above. I am working so hard on it and I have come a long way, but I have far to go.

I_survived_The_Bastard

Mine did have some good points. He encouraged me to buy better quality stuff, as before I’d always bought cheap stuff. He liked things like Wedgewood plates and bought me new pieces whenever he had money. So, from that I now don’t go for the cheap option, I treat myself and consider that I AM worth spending more on, so although he was parasitic at times, in one way he was a positive force.
Thats what I don’t understand sometimes. Sometimes he he was beneficial and a lot of the time not. Very strange.

It is so cathartic to read these stories. My ex was a textbook sociopath. No job, lost every job he ever had. Once as a teacher who preyed on an 18-year-old student. Confronted with this court document where he was fired from the teaching job for seducing a student, he denied it and said it was a conspiracy to get him fired over the content of a play he produced. He lived with his mom after his 3rd divorce. His mother is an enabler. Pays his rent when he cant, buys him gifts. He has every gadget and toy he could possibly want but lives on unemployment and food stamps. When he does get money he blows through it like a maniac. He buys movies. The man has three kids and no job but has to have every movie that is ever released. He only works long enough to get more unemployment. His kids are the real victims here. He is out of my life but will forever be in theirs. His phone was full of texts, emails, voice mails and facebook posts with other women. He uses Facebook as a dating sight. He never completes a project. He started work on my house but never completed it. When he discarded me like yesterday’s garbage he broke into my home while I was on a business trip. He stole some of my stuff. He is too much of a leech to pay me back the money he owes me so he cowardly chose to break in while I was out of town. Yesterday was his birthday and I sent him a happy birthday text. Why? Because sadly my feelings for him were real and I am still grieving the loss of what I thought I had. It’s only been 5 weeks. These men are predators and truly should be prosecuted for their actions. The word parasite is far too kind to describe these men. In the early stages of our relationship he texted me all day long and I was sucked in by the attention. He lives 130 miles away so it was easy for him to have a double life. I even paid the gas money when he would come to visit me. I knew deep down he was a complete loser and my family and friends all told me the same but I believed he was my soulmate and really understood my needs. The first time we broke up I had several conversations with his third wife and she told me horror stories about this man. But still I took him back. Throughout the nearly two years we were together, the attention he once showered on me became much more seldom. At the end he was really just dangling me along and then broke up with me in a text message. Now he has cut me off completely just like all the things you read about sociopaths. So how does a smart girl like me with a good job, a home and a 13-year-old daughter get duped by this guy? Did I mention he is fat and bald and not very attractive? That is the issue I must struggle with as I move forward. He wanted to put a tracking device on my phone so he would know my whereabouts at all times and he would demand I send him pictures through my phone of who and where I was. He tried to isolate me from friends and family and there was a long list of places I couldn’t go. I had to have female personal trainers, hairdressers, massage therapists, etc. He tracked my menstrual cycle so he could impregnate me and at one point demanded I marry him. He hated that I travel for work and suggested I find another job. He resented my volunteering saying it took time away from him and our kids. He wanted me to sell my home because I lived there with my ex-husband and dated a mailman who occasionally delivered mail to my home. He basically wanted me to give up my job and my home and move to his city where he has a tiny apartment and no job. Just writing these words brings up so much pain and anguish but is also helping me to finally heal.

Dear DLD, welcome to LoveFraud and I suggest that you read and read the articles here and educate yourself both intellectually and emotionally to what a psychopath is.

The ONLY way that you can heal is total NO CONTACT….and no looking at his FB page to see what he is up to, every contact sets your healing back.

Sure, YOUR love was real, his was FAKE entirely fake. Nothing real about it. That is hard to take, but it is a fact we must face.

Educate yourself and work on healing yourself and stay NC with him. You WILL feel better and you will grow, so hang in there and don’t give up, but it WILL take TIME. (((Hugs))) and God bless.

The ONLY thing “I” found ‘beneficial’, in anyway,
whatsoever, was acquiring the insight and the
knowledge of the low life I was actually all
twisted up and entangled with.

A parasite.
A violent and assaulting, rude, psychopath.
They all pretty much own the same “MO”,
it don’t matter what they have or don’t.
They are soul suckers and survive on
the kindnesses of others.

It’s not enough for them just to accept your
kindness, they want to take your LIFE as well,
if you don’t play by the rules. THEIR rules.

We must decide for ourselves
to put an end to the terror.

Dupey

I saw some interview snips of Arnold Schwartzenager.
He grinned through his responses to questions about his cheating and telling lies. I wonder how many of the traits on this list he has.

He said that he wanted to keept the “housekeeper” close to manage damage control…yes…control!

It seems that Mariea was dupped. He smugly believes that the past is past…no big deal to him…of course, he wasn’t hurt.

In many more recent pics of the couple she looks extremely unhappy. (But Arnold, the dirty bugger, is smiling!)

Many who interviewed him say he’s charmig…
I think that he dupped them too.

I certainly hope that at least one licensed professional will publicly question his smug statements and point out his telling body language during those interviews.

Publically exposing those with these personality disorders (especially elected officials) might lessen their abilities to con future victims.

More often than not, psychopaths use sex in order to manipulate their victims and to exercise their power and control. Psychopaths always spot the right person, someone who can easily be manipulated and influenced – the perfect target for their nasty plans. This, they can do for the fun of it, but even to take revenge on the victim. If the victim has done something that threatens the psychopath’s ego or self image; the target has perhaps refused the psychopath’s seductive advances or has done something else that the psychopath cannot tolerate could lead to something really nasty for the victim when the sociopath takes his/her revenge on the ’disobeying’ person. By using seduction, sex and other manipulative means they could make the target do things they would never normally do without the sociopath’s manipulation and influence. It has happened that a psychopath gained control over such person and by strong influence made the target do things that were downright illegal, just to get back at them for doing something that was disapproved of by the sociopath. At the end, of course, it was not the sociopath who was punished, but the victim him-/herself since he/she was unable to prove the sociopath’s manipulative methods. Thus, the psychopath was most certainly satisfied by misleading the justice system and, more importantly, by deceiving the target in order to get back at him/her.

G.:

Perfect description of what they do! I saw it happen…

Sex for normal people is a CHEMICAL BONDING with oxytocin being released by the brain…for the psychopath, however, they lack the “normal” number of RECEPTOR sites for the oxytocin to bond to in the brain causing the EMOTIONAL BOND.

Oxytocin is released when a mother nurses her baby, it causes contractions of the uterus that are very similar to orgasam, it is very pleasurable. Oxytocin is also released when a woman gives birth, and by stroking and touching of the skin.

PSychopaths have sex with a victim, the VICTIM bonds to them, the psychopath does NOT have a similar bond to the victim, so is able to MANIPULATE this person who is “bonded” to them emotionally.

So our bonding to the manipulators (if we are having sex with them) gives them a DISTINCT advantage over us.

The “love bomb” can also be asexual as well…because they get the victim to TRUST them…and trust also causes a kind of bonding even without sex, and of course they trust no one because they know that THEY are untrustworthy so they assume we are too.

Because we trust, and find it difficult to ACCEPT that someone we love/care for and trust would DO “that sort of thing” (whatever bad thing they have done) we allow them to take advantage of us and sometimes repeatedly before we actually attempt to disengage.

We must be very careful whom we trust….trust must be EARNED over a significant period of time in many different situations and then we must continually keep our eyes open for RED FLAGS of dishonesty.

It doesn’t matter WHAT kind of dishonest behavior the person does, it must be registered as what it is–dishonest! And if we cut out the dishonest people in our lives (and not all people who are dishonest or irresponsible are psycopaths) but ALL psychopaths are dishonest and irresponsible,, so by cutting out the ones who are those things, we cut out the psychopaths as well.

Doesn’t hurt at all to have ALL dishonest and irresponsible people out of our lives either.

I have been victimized again. I originally wrote about my experience here in the spring with a woman who is a sociopath and took advantage of me time and time again. She took something from me that cost me more then money. I have lost my self respect,dignity and am embarassed and ashamed that I allowed her to victimize me again. Here is my follow up to what has happened since I let her in again.
I wrote to LoveFraud back in April about a 50 year old woman who I dated for three years. I told about how she lacked emotion,lived like a drifter and finally landed an apartment right next door to her last boyfriend. Then her drug addicted sons moved in,wrecked the place and interfered in our relationship on almost a daily basis. I put up with excessive uncleanliness,her borrowing money from not only me, but everyone she knew. The fact that she claimed to be a christian and told me I was full of anxiety disorders because I did not believe in faith healing. She drove a wedge between myself and my sister,complained that I lived with my elderly father who treated her like a daughter. She was very secretive about things,would blow up when cornered and changed the subject whenever I drew attention to the fact that her stories never added up. She made a nickname for everyone she knew to endear herself to them. She told me how she loved me on a daily basis. When we met she told me she felt that she knew me her whole life and that we were meant to be together. I was very vulnerable as my mother had just died and believed everything she said. I suffer with OCD (something she knows) and when my instincts kicked in and red flags came up, I was confused as to whether it was an instinct or my OCD.

I suffered through many situations where she treated me very coldly and never would apologise for her actions. She cheated on me, I forgave her. She let an endless parade of outdoor cats fill her apartment,something she knew bothered me, but the more I complained the more the cats would be allowed in. I reached a point where I would break up with her for a few days, then a few weeks, then 2 months last year and one day realised that we would always break up around holidays and birthdays. She let me move her three times, borrowed money for food and then had a dinner with her family visiting from out of town and instead of having me over,she invited her ex boyfriend over, which her sister confirmed for me.

There simply is not enough time or space to write everything I went through with this woman. But with much embarassment and shame I am here again to tell you that after all of this,she broke up with me out of the blue on February 29th,as I have stated she took a leap! Four months later I was moving into a new condo with my father to help him out and came to the conclusion that I would have a new beginning, new email,new phone number and best of all a new place where I could be clean and de-stress from what I had been through with this woman. However after closing on our condo my father took ill and almost died. I was overwhelmed to put it mildly. I had to be out of our apartment and also had in the back of my mind that I could not make it financially and pay all the bills should my father not make it. Much to my surprise my sister had maintained contact with this woman, something she denied. One day I get an email out of the blue with a very lengthy explanantion and apology from this woman and how if I need her to for anything she would be there, but no pressure. At first I ignored it, but she persisted most convincingly that she was not a Sociopath, that she loved animals and everything was just a string of misunderstandings. She arrived at the hospital and seemed to be different to me. I let my guard down and before I could blink we were back together again. She told me that she had to go to another state for her fathers birthday and when she got back we could resume our shattered relationship. I continued to move and fix up my dad and my condo and didn’t give it much more thought.My dad came home and needed months to recover and my help as well.

She came back home and I invited her over. She seemed to be a bit more warm acting and I started to think my labeling of her being a Sociopath was just misguided thinking on my part. A few weeke later she ask for my help in getting her an apartment near me. I was surprised as she claimed to not like my town, but I helped her for two weeks until she found one a mile and half from me. She had a new job as well. I helped her move,loaned her money for a bed,a couch,helped her unpack and clean and while putting things away I came across a restraining order that was not filled out and also moneygrams that showed she was giving hundreds of dollars to her kids for drugs and then borrowing from me. I approached her about it and she became angry and said she would have only filled it out if I would have kept calling her a sociopath. I informed he that that was not a crime and that I was not a stalker and would never hurt a woman with physical violence. Then I am told by her that my sister encouraged her to get it! She then informed me that it was her business if she gave her kids money.Angry I left and drove around thinking about what to do. Like a chump I went back and tried to work things out. She told me to throw it out and we could move on.Another week went by and I was now spending all of my days helping my dad out and my evenings helping her out. I complained that I could not spend every night with her and that I was stressed out,drained and had a place of my own where she could come to occasionally. She blew up at me,told me that she did not like my condo,told me that my father who always treated her with respect made her uncomfortable and that my place was to clean for her. She asked me for her apartment keys back,then went and sat at the kitchen table I gave her and told me to leave. Shocked I exclaimed that if I left I would not be back. She remained silent and I spent the weekend in deep depression. The following Monday I called and emailed her. She ignored all of this and days later emailed me and told me that she didn’t think that the love she thought she had was real love and that I had nerve to question when I would be paid back. After more insults by her, she informed me that she wanted her old life back and male friends back.

I have dated many women and have had long term relationships and break-ups. None of them ever treated me as badly as this horrible horror of a human being, but I am dumb founded, ashamed and embarassed as to why I would let her back into my life,only to go through more hell and mental anguish. I know am trying to once again move on and wonder when she will try to come back and how I will handle it if she does. The only thing I have now is her words that she does not love me. I was used again,so shame on me! I hope that I can move on this time and find someone I am more deserving of. Thanks for listening.

Dear Torn,

Your very sad story reminds us all how IMPORTANT NO CONTACT IS with these people…no matter what they do to us if we do not maintain NC with them they will wiggle back into our lives and screw us over again.

I’m glad that you are back at LF and I hope that you will keep on reading and learning. Freeing ourselves and healing the damage they have done take TIME and WORK and is not accomplished in a few days or even a few weeks. I also strongly, STRONGLY suggest that you get Donna’s book “REd Flags of Love Fraud” and read it and read it again until you know these red flags by heart, and any time ANYONE shows you what they are, BELIEVE THEM the VERY FIRST TIME and never look back.

You can have a life after a psychopath…and the best revenge is a good life. I suggest that you work on your healing before you look toward another relationship because if not, like many of us here you may wind up with another one.

So now that you are out, stay out and get your life back. God bless.

Torn, I am so sorry that she has wormed her way back into your life and your psyche.

She did it because she could – she knows precisely how to to manipulate and coerce, and she does it very well.

How you were victimized, again, is something that only you can sort out. I would suggest that she pried her way into your life when you were most vulnerable and needy – that was her “In Road.” As to why you’re exceptionally vulnerable might be a very, very good discussion to take up with a strong counseling therapist that “gets it.”

Sure, losing a parent and attempting to manage another parent’s medical conditions realy, really contributes to our sense of Self and vulnerabilities, but your’e still in the fray and she’s feeling comfortable enough with her skills that she’s involved your sister in her games.

OxD put it as simply as can be: No Contact is, at this point, your best offensive tactic so you can move on with your healing processes. Going no contact means BLOCKING every means that she has to send you a message or communicate with you. You don’t have to change your cell number or email – just block her numbers (all of them, family members, as well) from your accounts even if you have to pay for this security. Same with emails. And, if you find you have to change your email account, again, don’t give your address to your sister until she “gets it” about this woman.

No Contact also includes Third Party Contact. That is when sister starts telling you about how much the spath cares, etc. Stop that topic dead in the water by saying, “I will not discuss Miss Thang with you, under any circumstances. That subject is closed.” And, stick to it.

OxD is also spot-on about filling whatever personal void you have with another relationshit. That’s not the answer. Fill up that void with your Self – your soul and your own healing. Until we sort out our issues, entering into another relationshit has the WORST motives attached and can end in worse catastrophe than the previous disaster. I can say this from personal experience – I married 2 spaths, with the second one being far more cunning than the first abusive jackass.

Keep reading, Torn – keep reading and posting, and contact your local domestic violence hotline to see if there are any strong counseling therapists in your area that can help you to sort out your core issues. You can find your local hotline by visiting http://www.ndvh.org.

And, let me just put a stop to the Male Stigma, right now: female predators are (IMHO) far more adept at spath games than men, and males who are victims of female spaths and domestic violence/abuse live in FEAR of taking personal action because of stigma – stigma, 100%. Men are fearful of saying, “Yeah, I was taken advantage of and abused, on every level,” because they believe that this truth will be met with, “Well, what’s wrong with you that you can’t keep a handle on the little woman?”

Abuse is abuse, and spath games are the most abusive behaviors of all. And, here’s another fact that might be distasteful, but it’s true: once we know that we’re dealing with a “bad person,” we have a choice to recover and leave the spath behind, or not. Whatever they end up doing to us AFTER we recognize what they are falls on OUR shoulders if we choose to remain with them or let them back into our lives.

Brightest blessings

To Torn,

Hopefully you have access to a support group to help you through this?

Breaking up with a sociopath is harder than quitting smoking. Or quitting drinking, or drugs, or food addiction or any addiction. These people are so addicting. Yet, it can be done.

I am in a rural area and not much access to support groups. I basically had to grip the arms of my chair and grit my teeth. It’s now been 2 years with no contact.

I too had to deal with people trying to get me to go back with him. My neighbors heard Jim screaming at me and screaming at my son, and they didn’t see it as anything unusual. They said just tell him not to do that. I said he won’t stop. They said tell him again. I said he doesn’t listen. They said TELL HIM AGAIN! I said I will not waste my breath on that man. So the next time neighbors tried to ‘fix’ me up with Jim. I said no. They asked why not. I shook my head and looked at a passing car and said no. They asked if there was any chance I’d change my mind and I looked at a tree and said no.

I made my point. I’d rather stare at a cloud than discuss Jim with them.

The neighbors finally left me alone about it.

Your spath is using the same tricks. She is using the people closest to you to get to you.

She is using what you need to reel you in.

Jim was using what I need to reel me in. Home repairs. and a father for my son. I finally had to get to the point where I realized the home repairs were not being addressed while Jim bilked me for money. Jim was abusive towards my son, and was turning my son against me.

I said my son still doesn’t have a dad. The house still isn’t fixed. So why do I let Jim hang on?

I happily put jugs under the drippy faucet. I catch the drops in jug, and pour the water on the garden. Now that temps dropped I pour the water into the kettle on the wood stove.

Drippy faucet actually helps me cause I always hated filling the kettle on wood stove. This way it fills for me!

And, no dealings with Jim and owing him after I paid him.

Hello Everyone.

I am currently in the throes of post psychopath depression. I innocently thought I was through the worse. No contact since May 5th. The only crying I’ve done would be an unexpected outburst of tears..then would abruptly stop. She continues to attempt a connection. Text messages and coming out to my home. Bitch stole my walking stick from my front door last week!! I remain mute. My, what I thought was a close friend in AA, has stopped all contact with me. I feel ostracized from all the friends I had made here in AA. There is no doubt in my mind that she has had some bad things to say about me. As in I’m the crazy one. And I refuse to return to meetings because I know she would approach me and cause a scene..damned if I do and damned if I don’t, you know. It annoys me to no end that I am feeling sad. I know better. I keep screaming for the answers. Pretty sure one answer is that I am enough for me. And I absolutely know this. However, my eyes keep leaking.

Wasn’t sure where to post today. I always feel better, a little cradled, when I come here to visit. This woman wanted sex, a place to live, my computer skills, my contacts and good standing in the community, my heart, my care and my soul. That soul thing didn’t work out for her. She comes across to everyone exactly as she did with me, in the beginning. So sweet and personable, helpful, kind, blah blah and blah. And she can continue to fool them simply because she can. Until maybe she screws up. Meantime, I will continue to take care of me and love me, because I AM a truly wonderful and loving person.

Love and hugs to you all, Elizabeth

Hugs to you sisterseven! You will find new people to surround yourself with, better people.

Sisterseven, May and you honestly think you should be over it, by now? Cut yourself some slack, girl! For some, it takes years of recovery for their eyes to stop leaking.

You are posting strong, truthful words, and I think that you’re just experiencing what would be considered “normal” grief. Grief isn’t something that happens and suddenly goes away. It’s a long process.

So, be kind to yourself – kind. Let yourself know that you’re okay with however your healing processes play out.

But, I would suggest one thing: block her from all forms of technological communication, EVEN if you have to pay a fee to do it. No Contact, on every level.

Brightest blessings

sisterseven,

Thruthspeak is absolutely right! Give yourself at least a year to heal in its totality.

I was discarded end of April 2011, and went NC start of May 2011. By August until half October 2011 I was havng symptoms of depression: enough for my therapist to up my visits to once a week, though before she thought me very strong. But after that it started to get better as I started to have insights about myself and the aftermath period. Healing went rapidly after that. There were still some parts that needed healing, but it’s certainly not abnormal that the first half year to up to a year after going NC is very rough.

You sound strong! You’re gonna be ok. Check in here and with your therapist, and if you don’t have one yet, please get one.

Sisterseven, I think it’s important that you feel safe, that you have friends and supports you feel safe with. If you feel unsafe at AA meetings, go to a different meeting or don’t go. You may have to weight the benefits vs costs of going. It should help you to feel good, so if it’s not doing that, don’t go. Not all therapists are right or will give you that feeling of being understood. But if you can find the right one, they will probably be a lifeline for you. Please just do what you have to do to take care of yourself. And since you’ve been triggered, it’s okay to let the feelings come out, even in the safety of your own home. Like others said, give yourself some time, a break, and a big hug for all you have gone through.

I have a story to share and this seemed like an appropriate thread. The story is about spotting spaths but it also is about what they want.

Today, I went to breakfast alone at a cafe where a lot of older people dine. It was crowded and the counter had the sole empty seat in the place. The rest of the patrons at the counter were old men who like to hang out and shoot the breeze. There were about 7 of them. Most of them know each other and chat, others just read the paper. I sat in the center, feeling a bit out of place.

I know what that place is like so I did dress appropriately: baggy jeans, old red shirt with cement still stuck to it, hair unwashed and a bit matted, no makeup.

I sat and ordered. The guys were mostly making wisecracks at each other, while I put on my reading glasses and fixed my attention on my droid.

One really old guy was telling stories rather loudly. He said, “…blah blah, had an outhouse that hung over the river. It was a self-cleaning toilet!”

Everyone laughed. Then he said, “of course that was back when if you had kittens, you’d put them in a gunnysack and throw them in the river.”

It made me sick but I made no outward sign of having heard him. I stuck to my droid.

He continued, “but you had no choice back then, you HAD to.”

Some of the other guys tried to change the subject. They perceived that he had stuck his foot in his mouth, but that’s not what I perceived. He was aiming that comment at me. He wanted my emotions. Just a few minutes later, he said he had to go and walked out. A few guys said, “see you Dale”

Dale’s story-telling reminded me of my ex-spath. He loved to sit around and tell tales, entertaining crowds with his lies. The fact that I came in, a stranger in a crowd of familiar faces and a younger woman in a crowd of old geezers, made him salivate for a victim.

old spaths don’t stop being spathy, they just change their scripts.

Wok_chang:

Welcome to Love Fraud.

Let me make a suggestion about your baby….because the baby is a TIE to him, one that will HAUNT both you and your baby. I suggest that you say that he is NOT THE FATHER of your baby. Don’t put his name on the certificate, and IF he wants to have anything to do with thhe baby that he will have to go to court and get a court order for a DNA test, and that will all take time and money that he probably doesn’t have.

Even though he IS the father, if you SAY he is NOT when the baby is born, then hopefully, he will not stay in your child’s life to complicate and haunt the child. I don’t need a crystal ball to tell you that no matter how many court orders you had for child support from him, youj will never get a dime anyway. So leave the father blank on the certificate, and that way, too, when you eventually find a man who will love you and your child, then that man can adopt the child and the psychopath can’t stop it.

Good luck and keep on reading and learning about psychopaths.

I do suggest that you change your number again, and keep a LOG of the dates and times he tries to contact you…,.Just showing that you had to again change your number to try to get rid of him will help your case for a restraining order if you need one. Maybe though, he will go away with a bit of time and find a new victim. God bless.

Elizabeth, I agree wit the others, cut off all avenues of communication by changing numbers or whatever you must do.

If she shows up on your porch when you are there, call the police. Tell them there is an unwanted person banging on your door.

As for AA group being a problem, there are AA groups all over the place, go to another meeting.

AA does a lot of good, but it is UNFORTUNATE that there aer as they were drunk, so learn to avoid those people. I suggest that you read Donna’s RED FLAGS” book and learn those red flags,, they apply to friendships as well as love relationships. God bless.

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