Today’s New York Times Magazine has an excellent article on the signs of psychopathy in children. It presents a heartbreaking story of parents trying to cope with a “callous-unemotional” 9-year-old, and covers much of the current research on the disorder in children. Very well done.
Read Can a 9-year-old be a psychopath? on NYTimes.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Stronger
I have raised a child under similar circumstances. While I divorced him early on, my child’s “N” father kept throwing me under the bus – saying I am a bad person, that women are stupid, blah blah blah. He poisoned my son against me, so anything I said was clearly “suspect”.
All I could do was two things. First, I never EVER criticized his father. And I got him in therapy, from age 4 to today (15 years later). The THERAPIST was viewed as an independent party and helped my son see the truth.
I am sneaking in here, and haven’t read everyone’s comments. But wanted to say I just finished We Need To Talk About Kevin. About a couple who raises a child who becomes a teenage mass murderer. Even though fiction, I thought it was an AMAZING psychological probe into the mother, and her perceptions of the child. Also societies beliefs about psychopaths, and child rearing, and mothering, and role playing. I really loved it.
I highly recommend.
Slim
wow. just last week i posted in another forum about a friend’s daughter (8) who’s made me uncomfortable for a very long time. recently i realized the reason she makes me so uncomfortable is she reminds me of my ex (spath). i am triggered by her because she acts like the sociopath was with for 9 years! how the hell to a tell this to my friend? impossible. i finally broke off the friendship with her by saying that i felt because of her daughter and her reaction to her daughter’s lies about me, the relationship was just too complex and intense for me. (i don’t want my kids around her daughter any more either) it’s a really strange and awkward situation. and now this article. just wow. i guess my guts aren’t too far off in my final assessment of the situation.
umami: Whenever somebody reminds me in some way of my “ex,” that is always a signal for me to avoid any significant relationship with that person.
The red flags that I missed when I met my ex-husband are easy to spot now.
Stronger, I just read an article about how MOTHERS are so important to sons, not just dads…so hang in there, do the best that you can and then pray for success.
Let your son know that you love him and are proud of him, no matter that his sire is a psychopath. Genetics are NOT destiny, so he has a CHOICE on how he behaves, let him know that.
Many times kids act out at puberty (go over fool’s hill my dad used to say) but you know, if he has a conscience and empathy, he should do okay in the end. Be a moral compass for him, let him see that you are caring, compassionate and loyal, and lay a path for him to follow. That’s all ANY parent can do for ANY child.
Oxy…..I know I haven’t been on here in a long time…but I do check in every now and again….I have had total NC with both my bio daughter and the step spath as well now for 7 months !!! I cannot believe it…..has it cost me a lot….yes, is it worth it…YES….I know now that if I have to live on crackers and water that at least I will never have to have them in my life anymore..I have a great need for your advice though…..ever since the showdown with the vicious step spath my husband has pretty much cut me out of his life…we hardly even speak…he blames me…thinks I should be the one to fix it….he knows exactly how she is, but still thinks I should just let her do whatever for the sake of the family…I do not agree…evil is evil….and I choose not to associate with evil..he totally cut off any and all affection towards me. He has always been the poster boy for passive aggression, but never to this extent. I literally can feel his negative vibes toward me in the air…it is the strangest thing. In a way I feel like his passive aggression toward me has messed with my head after 32 years of marriage. In your opinion is severe passive aggression a form of sociopathy or just a learned way to handle (or not handle) issues that come up in life…he really does nothing to nurture any relationship in his life. It’s almost like people are just too much trouble so he stays withdrawn. He never acts like he needs love, affection, attention of any kind…I always thought when the kids got grown that we would have a few good years to enjoy life…but it is not going to happen…we rarely speak…he is so secretive I have no idea what he is thinking except what I pick up in vibes…any advice for dealing with living with someone who makes you feel like you are nothing but a nuisance to them. His punishment toward me is almost unbearable at times and I do NOT deserve it…I have been a good wife to him …but I don’t want a divorce. We have our first bio grand child due in Oct. and I don’t want to upset our daughter . No matter what though I am still standing my ground against the Spath daughters….I won’t go back !!! Any advice would be welcomed….hope you are well !!!!
sweet creampuff, i know you asked oxy for advice, so i hope you don’t mind my chiming in. You said: ‘I don’t want a divorce.’ and i am thinking, why the heck not?
you said that you don’t want to upset your daughter. but you are willing to sacrifice yourself for her to not be upset. i was like this most of my life – with my mom. i was wrong. she was or wasn’t upset by my actions – and all i was was sacrificed.
your husband sounds like he is more than a little disordered himself creampuff – he sounds so much like my n father. right down to the big sulk. he wants you to be supply. and you won’t, so he punishes you.
creampuff,
if I may also chime in…
I agree with one joy.
There are several of us on the blog, Oxy is also one of us, who have people in our lives who expect and demand that we be the family sacrifice. The Psychopaths and the Narcissists should never have to sacrifice, they are too “good” but we… well, we’re expendable.
My mother has a distorted perspective of what it means to be a woman. She thinks a vain, selfish, greedy woman is more “womanly”. And my father thinks that those qualities make a person “smart”. So they both admire my P-sister for those qualities.
I’ve recently been able to point out their mistakes and they are starting to see that my sister is just a stupid clown, yet they refuse to allow consequences to naturally correct her behavior. And they expected me to do the same, since I’ve always done it before.
The problem is in our boundaries. We didn’t set them out far enough to begin with, so once we decide to move the boundary, they feel entitled to punish us. Secondly, we didn’t set the firmly enough. If the boundary applies to one person, it must apply to all people.
Your husband is SHOWING YOU THAT YOUR BOUNDARY IS MEANINGLESS. Why? Because you won’t allow the daughters to treat you badly, but you make an exception for him – you allow HIM to treat you badly. He sees this discrepancy and is playing it on the certainty that you will eventually give in.
He isn’t worth waiting another moment for.
one/joy is right, creampuff: how can you stand to stay in that?
i understand that you don’t want to make waves but if you are miserable, what are you truly achieving?
you are going to put yourself in the exact same spot I allowed myself to fall into…amidst all the drama and chaos, I had a massive heart attack that almost took my life. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. YOU are just as valuable and as important as anyone else in this life.
wow: passive aggressiveness…I saw that a lot in my ex p-path. It becomes a form of punishment. Very cruelly too. I can so relate. I am sure you have been a good wife to him. He sounds like he is used to having his way, all the time. This is perhaps his way of getting you ‘to bend’ on your position?
I could not be in an intolerable environment. I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment and I refused to let it follow me throughout my lifetime. I walked a different direction than the one I was shown.
I will say prayers for you and send you wishes.
Nobody should have to be miserable for ‘love’. If that is the case, it isn’t love at all. Now, is it?
Dear Creampuff,
Congratulations for 7 months of NC. Yes, your husband’s punishment of you is ABUSE. Passive aggressive IS AGGRESSIVE. So to answer why? It may be a learned way of doing things or he may also be high in P traits. Not wanting or needing connection or affection in the marriage is not a good sign.
As for “not wanting a divorce” well what have you got to gain by staying in the marriage? More years of misery? How is this going to benefit your daughter who is having the baby? If she loves you, she would not want you to “sacrifice” yourself for the few hours/days you will spend with her and/or the baby, she would want you to be at peace.
You cannot “make peace” with people who are passive aggressive, demanding, controlling, and hateful. Get thee to a divorce lawyer is my advice and get as much of the community assets as you can, you deserve them. Then FARK’em all! NC!