Today’s New York Times Magazine has an excellent article on the signs of psychopathy in children. It presents a heartbreaking story of parents trying to cope with a “callous-unemotional” 9-year-old, and covers much of the current research on the disorder in children. Very well done.
Read Can a 9-year-old be a psychopath? on NYTimes.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
I am confused, Creampuff, “he blames me”thinks I should be the one to fix it”he knows exactly how she is, but still thinks I should just let her do whatever for the sake of the family?”
Why would anyone want somebody to continue with whatever (bad/evil) behavior with the implication that it is “for the sake of the family”? This man wants to subject the whole family to that? Harm?
What on Earth is he blaming you for? There is no need to answer that; it is a rhetorical question.
“His punishment toward me is almost unbearable at times and I do NOT deserve it”I have been a good wife to him ””
Please understand, Creampuff, that what we do is completely irrelevant regarding somebody else’s behavior. Stop with “his punishment.” That’s enough. That’s abuse.
We are adults. We do not “deserve” punishment from spouses or other adults.
Emotionally healthy adults work things out. They recognize that people make mistakes and have differences in opinions. They do not punish other adults for not agreeing with them or for not acting or living according to their expectations.
If we encounter that, then we’ve encountered a dysfunctional, emotionally immature, narcissistic person who is into control and abusing others. Get away from that. You will never change the other person.
You cannot be “good enough” to make the other person stop because the other person is not interested in rewarding you for being “good enough.” The person is interested in indulging himself in abusing others. He’ll always find a reason for doing so.
Dear Creampuff,
G1S is right…adults who love us do not “punish” us for not agreeing with them. If there is a problem they work it out. If another person is using/abusing someone we love, we do not “allow” this. We sure do not demand that they allow this either and punish them because they don’t.
You can’t control them, you went NC because they caused you so much pain. You can’t control him either. He isn’t going to change, he is going to continue to punish you. He doesn’t care what it does to you, you must conform to his control and PRETEND YOU ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY. That’s the hardest kind of pretending there is.
creampuff – you mentioned his being distant, silent and withholding affection a long time ago. i remember thinking, ‘how awful for creampuff.’ playing on your scree name: it’s time to expel your mushy centre and take a hard edge approach to this abuse.
OMG…….girls I love everyone of you…..I feel like you all have just told me the TRUTH….not just placating me….I know you are right!! Thank you all so very much….love the take on my mushy center….LOL….it’s so true…..I have always given my life away to others and been the doormat….I am still in shock that I took such a strong stand against my daughters!!! I know I’ve got to dig deep and pull out one more fight…..I just have to share this girls…..I had my suspicions because he was spending a lot of time out in the shed behind the house especially since he has been sulking…..well, I was out there one day looking for something and I came across a porn magazine and some makeshift “toys”…..!!! Needless to say his visits out there made sense at that point….I almost have to laugh….it is so juvenile…..I mean, he cuts me off in the bedroom…..and now I’ve been replaced by paper dolls…..I haven’t confronted him on it yet….I want to make it good when I do….any advice on that girls?It’s like he sees me as his Mommy….he is totally incapable of talking things out…..he just says….well, you seem to know it all so why should I say anything and walks away….maddening!!! But now it just seems sad and silly…..passive aggression sure is a strange thing…..when I call him on something he just gives me a look…the main reason I was protecting my daughter…she has been trying for years to have a baby and has lost 4 pregnancies and this one actually seems to be a “keeper”…she is high risk, but I think on some level she knows it’s coming ….in fact she has said for years she doesn’t like the things I put up with…..so this may be a very interesting summer….thanks again for the insight…..in some ways passive aggression is a lot like socipathy…. and he is the Crowned Prince !!!
DCear Creampuff,
“Passive-aggressive” IS AGGRESSIVE….and it is a tactic that psychopaths use to control and punish those of us who don’t do their bidding.
Your daughter’s pregnancy does NOT depend on you staying with a bully. You say she knows it is coming—I think that your family doesn’t really communicate well—and I’m not blaming you for that, but when we try to communicate with “them” and they refuse, the entire family ends up having poor communication.
The healing starts, Cream puff, with learning about THEM but it will end with LEARNING ABOUT OURSELVES. Learning new boundaries, and new ways to live, to communicate with reasonable people, etc. To expect, no, to DEMAND, that others treat us at least as well as we treat them. Your daughter, if she loves you, will be glad that you are safe and not being abused.
I suggest that you play your cards close to your chest….don’t let him know you know about the porno….and talk to an attorney, get important papers gathered, tax records, insurance, marriage license, mortgage, car titles and payment etc anything “important’ and then when it is a DONE DEAL let him know about the porno when he gets the filing from your attorney telling him to get his arse out of the house and see you in court.
You go girl!
Creampuff,
my evil spath was almost pure COVERT-agressive, which is similar to passive aggressive. He also cut me off from sex several times, until the last time, I cut him off permanently.
All spaths do it.
In a way, it’s too bad that we use the words spath, ppath,spath etc… It might be more accurate to call them all “ABUSERS”. That’s what Lundy Bancroft calls them in “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry men”
Creampuff, When is your daughter’s baby due? If the baby is due within a few months, and there is no huge crisis going on with your husband, why not spend the summer gathering documents and information on the upcoming divorce, finding a good attorney, and finding a new place to live (unless you anticipate that your husband will be moving out.)
It sounds as though your husband has already “left” the marriage to some extent, and HE may already be planning to file for divorce, since he obviously is angry that his “needs” are not being met in the way that he would like.
But I would postpone the divorce for a few months not just for the daughter’s sake, but also for your own. However, I would NOT file for divorce immediately prior to Thanksgiving or Christmas if it can be avoided.
Carefully consider your financial situation BEFORE you take the leap.
I just want to clarify that I never said “adults who love us” do not punish for not agreeing with them.
I said “emotionally healthy adults.” Love is not a factor or a consideration. You don’t need to love somebody to work things out with them.
If emotionally healthy adults disagree, they either work things out or move on.
G1S, you are right there, but I also believe that people who LOVE us do not “punish” us for not agreeing with them.
True, Oxy. I’m just saying that love isn’t a factor whatsoever.
Punishing an adult for not agreeing with you is rather absurd.
I realize it is done if people break the laws, but that’s a different matter.
Hope you’re feeling better!