Unless your abusive partner can feel shame for his violating behaviors, he will make no gains. That’s why I say, no shame, no gain.
By “gain” I mean, of course, the permanent ceasing of his abuse.
This rules-out sociopaths who, by definition, will lack the capacity for shame necessary for personal reform. This is worth repeating, as basic as it is: the sociopath is beyond help, beyond reform. Only his victims can help themselves by escaping, and healing, from him.
And yet shame alone isn’t enough to produce gain. It’s what the abuser does with his shame that’s critical. If he projects his shame defensively into, say, “blame,” then he is going nowhere fast. And unfortunately, all too often this is the case.
And so yes, no shame, no gain. But maybe it’s more accurate to say, no “owned” shame, no gain. Or even more accurately yet, no “responsibly processed” shame, no gain.
After all, only when we own our shame can we do something good with it; only then can we learn from it, grow from it. And I want to be clear that I’m referring here to shame related to the perpetration of harm against others. I’m referring specifically to the shame of the perpetrator, not the shame his abuse engenders in his victim(s).
Notice that I emphasize shame, and not guilt. That’s because guilt, in my experience, is a less powerful change-catalyst than shame. Guilt can be an intellectualized, rote experience. It can also be expiatory, as in, “I did my guilt, I suffered my guilt, now I can start with a clean slate.”
This can be a “clean slate” from which to repeat further transgressions, only to expiate them with yet more guilt, before perpetrating yet new transgressions. Guilt in this instance becomes ritualized enabling, rather than deterring, of future exploitation.
As I said, responsibly processing shame is no easy task—not for anyone, let alone someone with an exploitative orientation. What is it that makes the experience of shame, let alone its responsible processing, so hard for so many narcissistic and, of course, all sociopathic personalities?
The answer, I think, lies in the “ego-syntonic” essence of narcissistic psychopathology. “Ego-syntonic” is just a fancy way of saying that you are comfortable with what you are doing. When what you are doing is consonant, not dissonant, with your concept of your“self,” it is said to be ego-syntonic. It follows that ego-syntonic attitudes and behaviors are unlikely to evoke shame because they aren’t clashing with, or violating, your internal values and self-concept.
Conversely, when what you are doing is clashing with your values and self-concept, it is said to be “ego-dystonic.” And ego-dystonic behaviors are thus likely to produce internal discomfort, including possibly shame.
And so the intractability of severe narcissistic disturbance can be attributed, I think in good measure, to its fundamental ego-syntonicity.
Severe narcissists and other exploiters simply aren’t sufficiently disturbed by their abuse of others for genuine shame to emerge as a potentially transformative experience.
In less severe expressions of narcissism which will fall short of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (and, of course, far short of sociopathy), you can find individuals who’ve been extremely self-centered and even abusive, yet who do not want to be experienced as such (either publicly and, more importantly, privately).
In other words, others’ experience of them as abusive violates their self-concept (their self-concept disapproving of insensitivity and hurtfulness towards others). Your knee-jerk reaction may be that such individuals don’t exist, but they do. Even some chronic abusers, while in the minority, can reform.
But I reiterate that it’s not enough that such individuals can sometimes feel shame upon registering the vast discrepancy between their self-concept and others’ experience of them.
Only if, and it’s a big if, these individuals can face their shame and, as I’ve stressed in this post, not disown it, not project it as blame (or in some other toxic form), can their shame sometimes catalyze change.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
JaneSMITH….
Well said!
Exit over here……Oh, and don’t let the door hit you in the ars……on your way out!
NA NA NA GOOOOODBYYYYYYEEEEE!
Tilly,
You need your sleep!!! Lets for the sake of saving you precious time, take eithr route and find the solution quickly!
If she is a P – what does that mean for you and how would you like to handle going forward so as to least disrupt you in your academics and at home…
If she isnt a P – things should settle down and your comfort level should return – but how will you proceed in class if she is acting oddly or making you feel uncomfortable.
Once you have an understanding of how you will handle both… you just need to decide what your boundaries are and whether or not she crosses them. Then you go with Plan A or Plan B.
We all wish our friends dont go haywire on us..or turn out to be something theyve misrepresented themselves to be. But with good awareness and a plan of action this can be handled so its not causing chaos in your days/nights…
Erin…. We were typing Tilly at the same time!!! We just need to get Tilly that tee shirt that says ” I Love Erin Brockovitch” so she can wear it to class and when they ask her why? She can say cuz she knows how to keep us women on the right track!!
HERE- HERE!!!!!
(You crack me up!)
Tilly, I’m not sure—my egg donor is definitely an ENABLER, she tries to “fix” things, dysfunctionally of course, by controlling the OUTSIDE perception of the community about our family (i.e. KEEPING SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR SECRET) of course this was started by her ancestors, her mother and grandmother and great grandmother and who knows how far back, ,by women protecting and enabling the family bad boys, their husbands and/or sons. Keeping them and their bad behaviior from being confronted first of all, tip toeing around them so as not to “set them off” into a rage. Walking on egg shells. in other words.
As far as my egg donor, she has always supported my uncle Monster, her brother, who continued his HORRIBLE ABUSE to his wife, his mother (held his elderly mother at gun point and wouldn’t let her sleep or eat for three days) He finally went to sleep and she called for help—he was drunk at the time, but I also think he was bi-polar as he would drink huge amounts of booze and stay awake for days on end while he raged etc. I went to rescue her (packing a pistol) and stopped by the sheriff[‘s office and told him my story and asked if he wanted to send a deputy with me, he said “No, but if you kill him, he is PAID FOR.” When I got there he was gone and I took my grandmother away from her home. That was the FIRST indication I had that there was ACTIVE and horrible abuse in the family, it was only after Uncle Monster was on his death bed that his children described many episodes of him holding them and their mother at gun point while he raged for days, threatening to shoot the mother if the kids didn’t do his bidding or threatening the kids if the mother didn’t do his bidding. I cannot even imagine WHAT THEY SUFFERED!!! THE FEAR–TALK ABOUT A TRAUMA BOND!
Anyway, back to the original question—my egg donor does NOT meet many of the “qualifications” of a psychopath like stealing, manipulating for gain, etc., though she is a bit narcissistic, (always right, always holy) However, she has the PROJECTION, the BLAME PLACING, LACK OF EMPATHY at least to ME, she DOES LIE (but hates others lying, but HER lies are always OK because you made her have to lie to you. LOL) She GASLIGHTS with the best of them. I saw NONE OF THIS until recently (last two years). She is VERY CAREFUL who sees her “mask” off—mainly I am the major one she shows her RAGE against….all, because, of course, I DESERVE IT.
She o nce admitted to me that she said some nasty things and accused me of things she knew were untrue BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO HURT ME.
This admission on her part was the first real AH HA moment I had that made me realize she was CAPABLE of doing things and saying untrue things to DELIBERATELY HURT ME. In the past, when she said things and did things that hurt me, I thought she just did them not realizing they hrut, now I can see that for my whole life she has done things DELIBERATELY TO HURT ME, to punish me (but of course, they were JUSTIFIED because I deserved it.)
Her admission of deliberately hurting me, started me being able to SEE more clearly what was actually going on rather than WHAT I WANTED TO SEE….it was probably one of THE MOST PAINFUL MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. Realizing that my own EGG DONOR could deliberately WANT to hurt me. WOW! Talk about an eye opener!
Of course after that I was not so devestated by her gasllighting, I did not blindly believe her lies any more, “the truth will set you free, but first it will PITH YOU OFF!” i KNEW THAT whatever her diagnosis WOULD BE, “clinically” that she was TOXIC for me. That I could NOT TRUST HER, and that I COULD NEVER TRUST HER, that she REFUSED to see the truth, even when presented with IRREFUTABLE EVICENCE and that she would always and forever be a danger to me because she would enable my P-offspring.
The ONLY HOPE I have of stopping this is if the minsiter I ran into the other day can make her stop, IN ORDER TO PROTECT HER IMAGE OF HER “HOLINESS”—even still she will have to be continually MONITORED for her life, because she IS SNEAKY, but I have figured out a way to do this if she will go along with it (again, the only reason she would go along with it is to protect her IMAGE with her church groups and old friends associated with the church.) I’m kind of SNEAKY MYSELF! LOL She prizes her IMAGE above all else, so I may be able to use that to MY ADVANTAGE.
They use OUR WEAKNESSES AND VULNERABLITIES to their advantage, so all I am doing is TURNING THE TABLES.
Tilly, about your “friend”—QUIT OBSCESSING ABOUT IT–either she is or she ain’t! TIME WILL TELL. In the meantime, you need to keep your yap shut about what you are doing with your P-teacher (turning the tables on her) or what your opinion of her is. After you get out of this class, maybe by then you will know about this girl, but don’t trust ANYONE enough to bare your soul or tell your plan to until you are out of this witch’s POWER!!! ((((HUGS)))) stay strong!
Thanks Steve. This was a brilliant and thought provoking piece. I’ll be thinking about it for a while. You certainly expressed many of the dynamics I’ve observed, plus a bit more.
Thankyou ErinB and JaneS ! It is so good to be able to get up at 3.00 am and have two of the strongest women on LF available to talk to ! WOW Do I need YOU BOTH! YESS!!!!
I went to bed confused because the strategy for coping with the P teacher had gone so well and my “friend” ( she started in our class from last March, who has been hanging/flying off my coat tails and following me everywhere suddenly displayed all the markings of a P.
This is when I put “Kathys 12 step” programme that she showed me to deal with my p teacher.
As soon as I put them into practise my “friend” shut down totally and became a total P herself. Only like one who has been knocked off guard. One that wasn’t ready for my ploy. She went into the “empty dress” pose, nothing to say, but trying to get in on all my conversations with people and also desperately trying to manipulate me into giving her all my attention and helping her with her work. She kept coming over when i was talking to some teachers and telling me “Im going now”.( normally I would go with her or include her, but I just sai “ok bye”. And she stood to the side and never left. She did that several times until it was time to go.
Then she questioned me non stop” what is your new strategy you talked about that you are doing with the teacher? What are you doing in this subject and that subject and how and when and where and what did they say to you etc etc”.
So I told her my new strategy is being a nerd up the back of the class and she seemed to know i was hedging and went silent again. Ominous deceitful silence.
It was then i realised she never “gives” only takes.
I don’t want to be right in this. I want to be wrong. But God is pointing me to yet another exit door. Looks to me like i will be moving at the end of the year, or sooner.
But I know how I can over react when a P is around, so I have been prayin to God to make it so that I am just paranoid and that my “friend” is not a fake.
But I woke up at 3.00 am. Feelings really depressed, because my gut says she is deceiving me, she is not capable og “giving” anything of her self,(no personality) and yes she is a fake friend.
The next thoughts were, ” I am going to try to finish this semester then i am definitely moving to a place a few hours drive away and I will change my degree. It will take longer to finish as i will have to transfer my credit points but it will be just as good a degree. It felt clear and right and not scarey. (Except for financially).
Then I thought “why wait unti then, why not do it sooner?” And then i decided i don’t have the emotional or physical energy to move right now.
Mind you all these plans could go out the window once the wps moves into action.
And maybe i am paranoid and she is not a P. She will be hard to get rid of.
Steve,
“Severe narcissists and other exploiters simply aren’t sufficiently disturbed by their abuse of others for genuine shame to emerge as a potentially transformative experience.”
Yet another great article !!! It addresses one of the most frustrating elements of a relationship with him –
Does this explain why the sense of ENTITLEMENT is so strong – because they feel no shame to keep their behaviors in check?
He is a major BLAMER for anything that he is questioned about.
No apology , no effort to change , no acknowledgement of your pain caused by his actions – all leaving us to feel like we are just dead to them .
If they have learned to fake emotions to hook us into the relationship – do they ever bother to learn how to get out of a relationship more graciously that devalue and discard??
I walked away from him last night in total frustration and disgust after arguing over non-payment of support – yet again.
And I say to myself – HOW CAN HE DO THIS? Here I am talking to him, his GF next door is coming out the door – my son is coming out of the house to go with him – we are arguing over the fact he HAS NO MONEY for support – it was so bizarre- just BIZARRE!!!
How does he sit there with his family on one side , his GF standing in the driveway , his son coming towards him and NOT FEEL LIKE HE IS IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE !!!
He doesn’t feel shame in front of my kids for his affairs, he doesn’t feel shame that he is not providing for them while he built himself a grand building, he doesn’t feel shame for any of the pain that he causes.
Yet, I seem to feel shame – or some other unidentified emotion – whenever I find myself now responding to his mistreatment in anger and disgust. I think the REACTING feeds into his drama.
His own composure pisses me off even more- I think he was enjoying my discomfort , anger and reacting. God, I have to find ways NOT TO REACT – but it is so hard.
You know, that last sentence pretty much says it all doesn’t it!
JAH,
I can relate to what you write about, in terms of the shame of your own narcissistic, what I would call, ‘wounding’, and how it had you looking for a fantasy fix for your real life problems. I too have this experience, and it continues to be a real source of embarrassment (that I feel I looked like such a horses ass when I was hanging out with him: I am sure others could see what I did not want to, since I liked the fantasy), and shame (for me, that ‘I’ could treat myself so poorly, and that I wasn’t sufficiently disturbed over the abuse I was allowing).
Of course, I understand the role the badmen play. And I have been in a long-term relationship with a goodman. And I didn’t act out too narcissistically in that relationship, it really helped me grow. But for me there was, in the back of my psyche, a place for those badmen, and a kind of longing for them. The excitement and intensity. I have unwittingly sought them out for the very fact of their badness. As it has ‘fit’ with my own wounding.
What I didn’t understand is that:
1. They are personality disordered
2. I am not
I am different in the very fact that I can feel remorse, shame, regret, and true sadness over my unethical, and ‘out of integrity’ actions. When I understood who/what so many of my ex’s were/are. It was a revelation. I finally “got” that I didn’t actually belong to that club, and that I had a choice. Up to that point I didn’t feel I did. I felt ‘doomed’ to be attracted to men who ‘made me’ feel horrible, and that I was just as rotten as they were.
The narcissistic wounding that I experienced in my life, left me with some residual ‘bad’ narcissistic traits (selfishness, emptiness, self-hate/vanity, being insincere, lying to get my needs met, using others for immediate relief), that have taken time to recognize and shore up, and transform into healthier behaviors (recognizing my own needs and fullfilling them myself, being able to ask for something and accept no as an answer, accepting my imperfections, feeling genuinely liked by others–allowing myself to be loved, telling the truth and delaying gratification of my needs, etc…).
So, in some ways I can relate to what Steve is saying from my own ‘bad behavior’. I also understand that much of what attracted me to personality disordered people is that I felt we were equally ‘outcasts’ and ‘misunderstood’ and were birds-of-a-feather.
And I recognize myself as being one of those people who experienced the ‘ego-dystonia’ that Steve writes of. I did awful things as a youth and young woman (lied, stole things, was heartless toward men), but hated myself for it and was so terribly ashamed. Being able to experience shame and regret led me to therapy, and lots of personal work. As a result my life is so much more heart-centered and empathetic.
It is an ongoing process to recognize and process my feelings of shame, for I still act out of harmony, though rarely, with my own values. And thank God I don’t have the what-ever-it-is that could have had me develop a full blown personality disorder.
For me knowing I am capable of change, and that I have a choice, is a revelation.
Of course this is MY experience, and if this feels weird to any of you, me talking about coming to terms with my own level of negative narcissism, then just ignore. This is definitely not everyone’s experience.