By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Acting like a “gray rock” is being so boring, not reacting to their drama if you MUST BE IN CONTACT WITH THEM. Potted plant is actually totally IGNORING THEM like you wouldn’t even notice or converse with a potted plant in a hotel lobby, you treat them the same way. Like they don’t exist. Not even acknowledge their presence with your body language, they are INVISIBLE TO YOU.
These are just two of the techniques we have come up with for dealing with them—on and off the blog. So if someone comes on here and acts like a psychopath trolling by, we start talkin about decorating our gardens with potted plants and gray rocks and they get bored and move on down the line to find someone else to name call or slam! LOL It also works some of the time in real life, depending on how determined the psychopath is to stalk you. LOL
Dear Nolarn—
You are right, you are NOT learning!
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU DISCARDING PSYCHOPATHS—blood relatives or not.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone has said to me “but she’s your motherrrrrrr you can’t not talk to her, she’s old and you’ll be sorry when she died that you didn’t make up before she died.”
I’d be rich.
Ditto, “but he’s your sonnnnnn you can’t give up on him.” or the best yet “where there’s life there’s always hope!”
Yea, malignant hope.
As far as this woman that you are crushing on…you are excusing how she acted and taking the blame for it on yourself, you are allowing your “crushing” on this woman to influence you and to let it try to make her “understand” why you don’t have relationship with a family because you’re afraid you might not look good to her.
QUIT IT!!!! BOINK!!! It doesn’t matter a rat’s behind what other people think about your relationship with your family or anyone else….quit’ya worrying about what this woman thinks of you…..if she likes you and treats you nice okay, and if she doesn’t that’s okay too. What matters is what YOU think about YOU. (((hugs))))
Oxy-thanks for that great explanation. I am going to have to go back to gray rock/potted plant with the N mother because she has all my buttons pushed this morning. Right after I posted about how strong I was feeling and how much progress I have made. Then I get this ridiculous email from her. She is eluding to how she is going to tell her brother about personal things that I told her yesterday and then told her not to tell. Then I’m getting text messages. She is telling me how I need to get rid of my firearm because it’s interfering with my relationship with GOD. WTF? I can still have a relationship with GOD and have a firearm. She is nuts. She is afraid that my relationship with my neighbor is going to move past friends and into romance and she is trying to do anything she can to stop it. I want her out of my life and I was stupid to try to re-connect just cuz mother’s day is coming up!!
Oxy, I know you are right and you are right to get the skillet out-I haven’t seen that thing in a long time. I know that it only matters what I THINK OF ME. I was stupid to let the mother back in. The mother is waiting on word from her brother about whether he will let me stay at his weekend home some during the week so I can pick up some work shifts prn agency. The work is 2 hours away in another town where his house is. The mother is acting like she needs to tell him personal stuff about me that I shared with her so he will let me stay in the place. She is acting like he’ll say no unless she can tell him all my personal information.
I am running out of money for groceries and gas. I can’t commute 2 hours to a job and 2 hours back each day. If I could schedule 3 days in a row in the other town and then drive home, I would have money in my pocket until something comes through here. If he refuses to let me stay then I will know that all ties will be broken. These people brag about their Christianity and their religion and all. If they can’t help family, then they are hypocrites and I’m done with them.
Dear 2bcop~ Kim gives some great advice. Top of the list is: Take care of YOU.
I would strongly recommend NO CONTACT. That is at least until you get to the point where you have built a wall of gray rock around those trigger buttons, so that she cannot get to them.
Hey, keep in mind how far you’ve come. I hope that you can gain strength in that knowledge. (((hugs)))
EDIT: Wow, a whole lotta stuff got posted from the time I started this post until the time I finished it. I didn’t know I typed that slow!
Dear NoLarn,
YEP, you got it that sentimental carp about “mother’s day” or all that carp about “blood is thicker than water” ya da ya da…puke.
You can FORGIVE people (quit feeling bitter about them) but it doesn’t mean you should trust them….obviously you wanted to share something and of course like any good dysfunctional jerk face, she took advantage of it.
Let her tell the world, let her tell your uncle, let her print it on the front page of the newspaper, let her buy a bill board and put it up on the closest interstate….cut the witch out of your life….for good. Damn, GF, it took me over 60 years to get the message she had been broadcasting from a bull horn since I was born I think so you’re younger than I am when you are finally getting the message that your maternal DNA donor is a control freak. “relationship with God” LOL ROTFLMAO yea, they sure try to make you think that THEY have a direct line to God and the only way you can get a message through is via them. NOT SO!!!!
I think your crush on the neighbor lady is going to wind up biting you in the arse for several reasons and so I would also discourage you from that, but you are over 18 and you can make your own decisions. I’ve done my due and given you my opinion on it and on why I think that way, but it is NOT MY DECISION and it ain’t yo mama’s either. I kept my mouth SHUT when son C brought home the psychopathic cyber bride and kept it shut for 7 years pretty much during the time they were married, but you know the thing is that we each make our own decisions and get the consequences. I will be cordial to my son C and occasionally interact with him about his x-brother’s parole, but there will be no “family dinners” or socializing and sure as heck NO TRUST. I can’t trust him not to lie to me, and if someone is a liar I don’t need them in my life. He has ultimately lost more than he gained by his lies but I can forgive him without trusting him. I don’t have to feel hateful toward him, or want revenge, I just want PEACE and no drama from him. If he gets himself into drama he is the one who will have to handle it because there isn’t any assistance forthcoming from this direction from either me or my son D. Mainly it is one of those “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” and that is about the extent of our relationship.
Nolarn, You are feeling invalidated and are angry about it. I understand. But, again, you can’t MAKE your mother approve of you. She may never approve of you. You have absolutly no control of what she thinks of you, and frankly, what she thinks of you, what you do, or don’t do, is her business. Not yours. You are way too easily thrown into an emotional tail-spin, by wanting other’s approval. I think this is also true of your crush. You have spent an entire week doubting yourself, kicking yourself, second guessing what she is feeling, You have been angry at her, then mad at your self, and unsure of what you should do, and what did she mean by that, and I think she’s a spath, and I feel so sorry for what I did…..on and on and on and on. That is being all up in your head and it’s crazy making. STOP IT.
I recognize this stuff cause I get that way, too. But realize the only person you have any control of is you. And the only persons whose approval you need is yours. You may not like this advise, (but it’s only advise) I suggest you get your life on track, develope some self confidence, work on some coping skills and try to calm your emotions, befor you get into a relationship.
That’s just my two cents.
Please don’t think I’m criticisising you. I am just familiar with where you are right now. I’ve been there.
H2H- thanks. I will see how that goes. The only issue now is her brother could potentially help out with getting me some quick work in his town so I can keep my utilities on. If that happens, then there are strings attached. My N father always requires strings attached too. She thinks she is not like my dad and acts all holier than thou. She is just like him, they just approach it differently. To N’s are more than I can tolerate. I don’t know if I should tell her to tell her brother to forget the whole thing. Should I just starve and not have any money at all just to keep NO CONTACT?
2bcop ~ Her brother would be your uncle, right? Can you contact him on your own, without her involvement? That might be a way to go. You could just tell him that you would rather deal directly with him on possible jobs. After all, your income is NOT your mother’s business.
I too, have a mother that is rather N, and tries to be overly involved in my finances, marriage, etc. I am working on keeping her OUT of where she doesn’t belong. It’s getting better with each passing day. Getting to the point where she cannot push my buttons any longer.
Thanks Kim and Oxy, I don’t take offense at anything you have to say.
Oxy, my problem with my mom and the personal information is that some of the information could seriously negatively impact my career forever. I am a virgo and career is the most important thing to me and I can’t lose that. I already lost the career I didn’t like and I can’t lose the one that I have been dreaming about my whole life because of the N mother and her inability to keep her mouth shut. I was SO STUPID to trust her and that overshadows anything I feel about the neighbor and anything else. Maybe I am totally wrong about the lady. I don’t know. I just don’t know what I should do about the NO CONTACT. Should I tell N mother to not get her brother involved and just risk running out of money to stay NC? This is seriously scary for me. I have nothing hardly to survive on and they are about to turn my utilities off due to nonpayment and they won’t give me an extension.