By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Dear Nolarn,
Thank you for those roses….they mean more than you can know.
Yea, we peel things back like peeling an onion one layer at a time…and that is when we find that there is more to this healing thing than getting over the psychopathic experience….We have to heal the things that we covered with band aids and sometimes it is like draining a boil….but we just have to take them one layer at a time. So don’t rush yourself this is a process…I think recognizing that you can’t deal with your parents is a good step forward. It will take time to emotionally internalize it, but you can do it.
One step forward…then another and then one backward once in a while but over all progress. Just keep on swimming for the shore!
Oxy-thanks. I know now that I have so much to work through. I keep reading about growing up with N parents and it totally explains exactly why I am the way I am and why I can’t have normal relationships and that when I told myself that my ex had in some way reminded me of my father and I couldn’t explain it, now I know why. I sought out another narcissistic man in my life. Females born from narcissistic parents end up getting involved with narcissistic people. My ex girlfriend from years back was the same-reminded me of dad and narcissistic. Now I start to feel about crushing on the neighbor-what if SHE is the same as them? I have to stand back and know that I pick people right. I finally understand why I have always had an inferiority complex, self hatred, and low self esteem-symptoms of growing up with two N parents-always feeling like I never had a voice. That’s wny there is so much emotion is my singing-cuz it’s the only way to get those emotions out and that’s why I lost myself in singing when I was growing up. That’s how I escaped in high school. I was known for having “the voice”-this great big emotion packed grown up singing voice coming out of a little high school girl. It was the only release I had. I have SO much work to do on me!
Dear Nolarn,
There is a book I have called “If you had controlling parents” can’t remember who wrote it…you can look it up on Amazon and get your local library to order it if they don’t have it through interlibrary loan.
I realized I also was told by the egg donor not to have my feelings or that my feelings were bad…some of it subtle of course. It is difficult to work through all the layers that made us what we are, but awareness is a big start.
The “situational vulnerability” we have at the time we get involved with the Psychopaths can be traced in some people back to our parents, sometimes to other things, and sometimes to many things. We just have to learn to validate ourselves, to listen to our own voices and realize that happiness is internal.
I used to think “I will be happy when X, y or Z ” happens, but when x, y or z would happen I would still not be happy…they it would be “I will be happy when A, B or C happens” and so on…happy is NOW or it isn’t.
Your awareness is growing, and as you get your head out of the spin cycle of the drama and life slows down where you can actually HEAR YOURSELF, FEEL YOURSELF and start to spend QUALITY time with yourself, getting to know YOU, you may be surprised at what a wonderful woman is inside there. Get to know her. (((hugs)))
Ox-I have that book around here somewhere at the house. I started it way back last year and then stopped reading for some reason. I’ll have to find it. I have been trying to figure out why God has been allowing me to go through all of this with the job loss and the unemployment. It’s been so unbearable at times. I think it’s so I can get the voice that I never had and to cut the strings. It’s now or never for me. My sibs are happy to enmesh cuz they finally have N mother’s attention-the attention that they didn’t get as kids, since she was so overly obsessed with me. They can have her. I was able to cut her off last year but I wasn’t able to get past the N father. I had to put my foot down with him. My lady friend next door could see that there was some kind of issue there and told me, when are you going to realize that it doesn’t matter what he thinks? She sat me down in her car when we doing errands last weekend. She told me that since she had me in her car and I couldn’t get away, that she was going to be tough love with me and I had to listen to what she had to say. She kept going on and on about how it didn’t matter what he thought, that I was a grown woman and who cares what anybody else thinks but me. She kept telling me how I can’t let other people have that control. I was getting aggravated with her because she was kinda babysitting me that day. It was after I gave her my box of ammo and asked her to keep it. Now I am replaying what she was saying and it’s the same thing that you’re saying to me. She does care but she has way too much going on also for us to have a relationship. I need to focus on me. She is focusing on her.
I gotta go find that book this evening. I need to figure out how to have self esteem. For years, my lack of it was tied to me being overweight, but I feel right now that even if I had the “buff as hell police academy body” that I am striving for, I still wouldn’t feel good about myself. Something would be missing. I still can’t believe too that my N mother (egg donor) thinks that she is the only one with the line to GOD, just because she is religious and pushes it on everyone. I have just as much a line to GOD as she does.
Nolarn, You have turned a corner!!!!! It may not FEEL like it. It may FEEL crazy and painfull, but you are so much saner, and closer to a happy destiny today then you were yesterday morning, you may not even realize it.
I have sat back and observed you for quite a while. It’s always easy to see what’s going on with other folks, but much harder to see what’s going on with ourselves. I have seen the repeated crisis. The drama-rama. The crazy push-pull, all up in your head relationship…and I have been waiting for you to have this epiphany. It’s all growth and change from here on out GF. There IS hope. And you are on the road to happy destiny.
Yesterday you said that you thought your lady friend might have some of the same issues that you do. That could be part of the attraction. That can have a tremendous “chemistry” behind it, because you feel you’ve finally found someone who “gets you”. It feels right. The rocks in your head perfectly fit into the holes in her head and such. But, trust me, you don’t want to GO THERE, because she will make you crazy. If she has the same problems you do, she will fear fusion, and just as you reach out for intimacy, she will distance and turn away. If she gets close to you, you will panic…in fear of losing yourself, and you will create distance, and she will feel hurt. This shiat can go on indefinatly with no resolution, just emense pain, confusion and frustration.
In my opinion, YOU ARE NOT READY. Please continue your search for yourself, your voice and your path and stay out of relationships for a while. Learn how you contribute to the drama, and why. Study the family dynamic and work on change. Act don’t react.
You are really in a very good place, right now. I am so glad.
Kim-thanks a lot. You’re so right. Now though, the N mother has been texting and emailing me since 5:30 am and she won’t stop. I resonded to a few until I realized that I will keep going in circles with her if I keep anwering and I was getting stressed and upset. I am ignoring them now.
I know that you’re right about my neighbor. She told me once how she thought I was so beautiful, and I obviously feel the same way about her. When I first lost my job she told me that she was laying in bed at 2am trying to figure out a solution to keep me from moving, cuz she didn’t want me to go.She has also talked to me about N father and his control. I know she cares.I still do feel like she must have been through similar things-like u said. There’s so much in common and such a connection because of it. We are SO similar. I feel like my drama with the parents is too much for her. Whatever she has going on up there is too much for me too. I upset her though last week by laying something too heavy on her and I had to apologize. She told me that it was worth it because she still has me here, and that is the important thing. She is still worried about me though and she has pulled back from me since then. I can see it in her eyes how much she worries. That’s why I just wish I would get a job cuz that will help. You were right though-if we get romantic it will be too heavy for both of us.
nolarn – when i met my n ex gf i had be single for a very long time, over 15 years. she really wanted me to give her the ‘storyline’ of my life, every pain and injustice experienced. I so wasn’t interested in that. (and thank god, because she would have used it against me in the end – the bit she did have she wielded like a bat). I HAD been into that in my 20’s. I bonded with lovers OVER our trauma. I remember making a conscience decision that when i got involved with the n that i would NOT do that.
i really think that the trauma bonds we have with our families and other horrid ones can come to function exponentially in our lives; 2 ‘victims’ bonding over pain (and most importantly staying in the dynamic of being victims, not using the relationship to pull them selves up) strengthen and reweave the bonds.
onestep-That is how I feel with the relationship with my neighbor. The connection is obviously there-an attraction that both of us feel. I do think that she has as much buried trauma as I have. Katrina destroyed her and she has talked some about that but I believe there are other issues that were there before the storm. I obviously have my own issues in that the psychological abuse that I suffered growing up in the horrible dysfunctional family with 2 N parents is still affecting me today and causing problems for me.
I know that she and I would be bonding over trauma and it wouldn’t make for a good relationship at all. I would be afraid that we would both stay in that bad place like you said and not pull out of it. It won’t be easy for me for sure. I am trying to manage the raging hormones myself until I can get some health insurance back and see the doc. It is SO hard when that attraction is so strong. She made the comment once about wanting to see me happy. She said that since she’s known me she felt that I wasn’t-that I was burdened with that job long before the issues started that got me terminated and in this situation. The thing is-I want to see her happy too. I want to see her smile but not have her eyes tell me a different story. She may smile if I make her laugh but her eyes are still sad. It’s just hard. I know that most important is fixing me and my N mother sent me an email that was forwarded from her crazy sister just while I was typing this and I erased it. I ask her to quit sending emails and texts and she keeps doing it-not boundaries whatsoever!!!
Okay nolarn, listen up. This is important.
Yesterday when Oxy and I were telling you about dysfunctional family systems you were getting some big ah hah moments, but what you missed was this;stop the drama.
Instead of detaching from the immediate emotional energy you were supplying yourself with and taking a step back, looking at the situation objectively, you acted on impulse, and told your N mom off. You have probably taken this same route with her a million times in the past. You said right after you did it, that she would start texting, and e-mailing right away and it would make you crazy. Why did you do it? Did you expect that for some out-landish reason that this time it would be different? If you do what you always did, you get what you always got, understand?
Do you see how you have a hand in stirring up the drama?
You are caught in a dance with your Mom. When you do this, she does that. You can’t control her, but you can control yourself. I posted a link on another thread about detachment. It might be helpful to you.
Kim-I didn’t tell her off. I just shouldn’t have responded to any texts/emails. It’s really hard for me because I get so ANGRY that she refuses to acknowledge boundaries. She started texting again this morning and I shouldn’t have even responded to tell her to stop. She was wanting explanations because I told her that I didn’t want help from her financially or a place to stay at her brother’s house. I can’t explain ANYTHING to her because she is SO crazy that she’s NEVER going to understand and it’s freakin pointless.
I deleted the email that she sent w/o reading it but it still makes me angry and that is where I have trouble. I still let it get to me-even if I don’t read the emails. I made such a massive mistake by letting her near me the other day and thinking that things could possibly be different. I just want her to stop and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!