By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Oxy – As much as I would like R’s X, outed. I cannot be the one to do it. She will have to do it all on her own. It’s funny, but when R’s divorce from her was final BOTH lawyers, his AND hers, approached R and asked him: “So, you really didn’t hit her?” “I sure would have!”
There are those that realize what a spath she is, we’re just hoping that our love and support is enough to keep the 15 yr old from being permanently damaged by her.
On the subject of NC. Oh how I wish! We do have just minimal contact with her. Only when necessary with regard to the kid’s medication, or visits with us. Mostly, we deal directly with the kid. That’s NICE. 🙂
Dear Baby doll,
Dr. Robert Hare’s book “without conscience” is great, and Martha Stout’s “the sociopath next door” and DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear” isa a good one for you too….as your BM is a stalker I suspect….and the Gift of Fear is about stalking.
NO CONTACT is the best way—if you must do something do it through an attorney NO DIRECT CONTACT and I suggest that you KEEP ALL INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF from getting to her if possible….ALL INFORMATION, which means that you cut your father and anyone else who might talk to her. You said that you were close now with your sibs and they realized what she is….be SURE that they are not plants (I hate to put paranoid ideas into your head but I have been betrayed by those in the family that I trusted) so I guess I am a bit cautious if not plain paranoid.
One of the ways I test folks is to “plant” false information (something small) and then find out if THAT information got back to someone and if it did, I KNOW EXACTLY WHO TOLD IT because THEY were the ONLY one who had heard “that” story.
I make sure who I can trust and who I can’t. People have to EARN my trust now, I don’t just give it out “free choice” any more.
If there is legal matters or business you have to transact with either your BM or your father, I suggest that you do it ENTIRELY via attorney….and just tell your sibs “My husband and I have decided to communicate all this mess just with daddy/BM etc. via the attorney’s office, there’s no need for US to even discuss this mess, it is just TOO UPSETTING TO ME, I’d rather just talk about how your kids are doing in school.” That way you cut the DRAMA triangle as well….and cut off any potential avenues of information flow back to BM.
It also does help to keep you from stirring this chit, and when you “stir chit” you always come out smelling bad yourself. If all that makes any sense.
Just because you and X have the same enemy doesn’t make you “friends”—so if in the past you and your sibs have had a troubled relationship, why not just cut to the chase and form a good one based on mutual good things, rather than having a common enemy in the BM?
Good luck and hope all is well with your newest Bambino and that things are calming down a bit for you and your older baby and husband. Keep taking care of yourself and hug on that toddler! (((hugs)))) God bless.
T
Snakes in the grass can hide well, they can blend in with all their surroundings, and slither away ever so quickly with out ever being caught, but sooner or later they shed their skin and leave the tell tale signs behind for all to find.
I am one of those “insane” people that picked up the snake and believed over and over again that THIS TIME it wouldn’t bite me. Even after it APPEARED that he shed the old ugly skin and the new skin APPEARED t to be fresh, beautiful and promising! …The old sheds kept propping up, and sooner or later that new sking turns old, ugly and empty.
Thanks Oxy,
for that wonderful story and reminder of how important NC is!
The only rediming closure I have is knowing that the SNAKE BITES EVERYONE AOUND HIM….and will continue to do so, REVELAING IT’S UGLY SKIN EVERYTIME….NO MATTTER IF IT’S A LOVER, A CO-WORKER, MOTHER, SISTER. GRAND SON, ETC. I saw this happening in front of me.
there is not 1 relationship that he hasn’t blown off or destroyed along the way…I know this because I was recently approached by someone who was questioning their sanity and their truth after an encounter with THIS snake!…they never change!!!!!
Aeylah – 🙂
Carl Jung claimed that we seek out our unfulfilled conflicts. In other words, we try to receive from someone “new” something we feel we need but couldn’t get from someone “old”. Snakes may shed their skins, but they remain snakes.
Years ago when I was in therapy I learned about “closed systems” — in my case, my parents — whom I could get no love from. My therapist likened my behavior to someone knocking on all the doors and windows of a house trying to get in, but which, she said, “No one’s home.”
While our rational minds may reveal the futility of such efforts, our deepest, oldest yearnings for love and security often betray us, leading us to commit the same behavior again and again.
Giving ourselves permission to be the recipient of the love we give to others ends the cycle of hurt and despair, and opens the door to healthy relationships with non-snakes.
Excellent post Oxy…one thing that I struggle with,is the spath in my life is a 17 year old young man who I adopted at age 5. His behaviors became such, that when he was 13,I terminated my parental rights to him when the courts had sent him to another state for residential treatment. (after several stints in juvenile detention). His criminal activities are mainly drugs, breaking and enterings, theft and the like- he has not been physically violent (dare I add yet). After a few foster placements,I began visitation with him again, as he literally had no one in the world and of course my mama’s heart could not bear it. He has had 2 diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder (pending his turning 18), it’s called conduct disorder at this age. He now sits in adult prison,earliest release in Sept 2012- max 2018. I really struggle with the no contact because of his juvenile status…there of course is still this mary poppins hope that he may change- that maybe this time, prison will be the deterrent…I know that is a slim possibility, bordering on the miraculous…He was an early victim of abuse and neglect, and we were his 6th home in 3 years. I give him the benefit of the doubt because of all the latest literature on trauma and its affects…Right now I send him emails, I have only visited him once in the 5 months he’s been in…I just feel like he is still a kid- granted one that made very adult decisions, which he is paying for- and he needs to know that he “matters” to someone, somewhere…even if he is a spath…am I wrong? Advice PLEASE!!!
I have known that I am with spath for a long time and thought I was ready to be without, so I went NC on him. I block his calls and emails and was feeling great. I underestimated this man. As I was jogging yesterday on my way to the park and while listening to my Ipod, I suddenly felt a pull and realized that he was there next to me and janked off my earpiece from my ipod. I froze, he looked evil, he was shaking with rage and had his eyes fixed on me. He didnt care that neighbors were coming out to see what was going on, he was loud cursing at me and since I didnt respond he grabbed the earpiece cord and placed it right under my chin (I thought for sure he was going to choke me) instead he snapped it in two and threw it and was after my ipod which I held tightly in my hand… we struggled, I pleased, he was being hurfull, bending my fingers and arms. He then began to threated to do thing to those around me and thats when I gave in. I realized that I had to play dead with this sicko so he could stop. I did and he calmed down. Im still in this relationship re-reading “Love Fraud” and planning my escape. I cant make the same mistake, I know he will come after me. I am hostage in this relationship but not for long.
…And we must continue even when they begin to SEEM normal.
I have problems seeing jerkface with his girlfriend and seeing them so placid. They apparently have plans to get married though he is unemployed, they just an addition on her house and he is listing her on day care registration as “stepmother.”
I have to remember that he WILL be 40 and he is loosing his charm and what little good looks he had, so he is probably doing really well keeping the mask up for her until they are wed.
Dear always hope,
Well, your story is mine, at least up until age 18, at which point my P son started his more violent robberies and crimes….then he went back to prison for a 2 year stretch—and he also had NO ONE—that is except me. He was a kid you know and he had been raised right, he could quote long passages of scripture about forgivness and how he was so sorrry…..he needed his family to be there for him.
But it was an act to keep “supply” to keep commissary money coming and visits that we drove 400 miles one way to help break his boredom….and hundreds of dollars in collect phone calls every month.
Well, here he sits now (he was out last time for 5 whole months) before he killed a young woman he was involved in criminal activities with for turning him in to the police.
YOUR SON WILL NOT CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. I do not need a crystal ball to predict this, or Tarot cards, or jaxs or pick up sticks, or to light a candle to the patron saints of inmates. Your son has MADE HIS CHOICES, HE IS NOT BONDED TO THE REST OF THE HUMAN RACE. He is for all practical purposes unable to love and attach. He is selfish to the maximum, manipulative and dangerous to others.
I realize that you pity him, that YOU LOVE him, that wonderful little child you raised, but YOUR SON IS GONE….vanished without a trace except for the fact that his organs, his face, have been “transplanted” to the face of this STRANGER that cannot love you, that will only hurt you.
I suggest you stop pretending that this STRANGE MAN is your son, your son is NO MORE. He is gone. The sweet little boy no longer exists, and he is not going to come back. This STRANGE MAN in prison….he is getting his PhD in crime as he sits there in the Big boy’s prison, and he is no longer afraid of prison. He knows what it is like. He’s learned the system.
NO CONTACT….it is your only salvation. If you allow this “zombie” of your dead son’s body to come back into your life, he will DEVOUR you body and soul. If you think your pain has been bad up to now, just WAIT UNTIL JUNIOR COMES HOME TO LIVE AGAIN. I will pray for you and for all the mothers and fathers of the 2 MILLION men and women who are in prison right now, 25% of which are “diagnosable” psychopaths and the rest score 22 on average on the Psychopath Check List-Revised which is the score card for assessing them, A 30 is needed to be a “full psychopath” and frankly if your son was diagnosed ASPD (to take effect when he turns 18) my guess is he would score 30 or above, but even if it were 29 or 28, you are not going to be able to “help” this young man. There are MILLIONS of us parents with psychopathic children…some of those million parents are also psychopaths themselves, but most are not they are just parents who loved their kids and suffer to see those children they loved be violent and or criminals.
I lived with shame at having failed as a parent, I lived with disappointment, anger, you name the emotion….but now I live in acceptance that I did the best I could at the time I did it (albeit not perfect) but my child who became a man has CHOICES but he CHOSE to be violent, to rob and kill. I can’t make him “see this is wrong” HE ALREADY KNOWS IT IS WRONG, HE JUST DOESN’T CARE. I can’t make anyone else care, and neither can you.
Your son’s diagnosis, I am sorry to say doesn’t mean he doesn’t know right from wrong, it simply means he DOES NOT CARE. ((((hugs)))) and God bless you as you make your choice to let him go or to sacrifice yourself for x number of years and THEN let him go.
Dear Alina,
GET OUT FAST!!!!! Secretly too! BE CAREFUL!!!!! Don’t let him find you. This man is dangerous.
Read the article: “another missing woman another indifferent boy friend” (it’s the last one on the list of recent posts at left)
Be careful! (((hugs))))