By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Nolarn2bcop,
Take care not to fall into the trap of assuming what other people think, esp when you assume negative crap (YES, UNTRUE CRAP! You are NOT “weak” except only as a consequence that you have been injured and are working to recover.) about yourself as the reason why someone pulls back from you. See how your Assumption about what you think she thinks causes you pain?
I also notice you are attracted to a woman who was honest enough to tell you she does NOT let herself feel emotions and considers that a healthy game plan for life. WOW. Someone who can’t love… what part of that is attractive to you???? Please see this as a big red flag about yourself, maybe a pattern from childhood?
If she is looking at you and that makes you feel judged as less than or looking down on you, then know SHE IS WRONG for such UNhealthy condemnation.
BTW honey, you do know you are not in a space for someone else.. right? This is time for You to take care of YOU. I have not been online for a while but I hope you are getting offline help, a counselor and proper meds etc? Getting our act together after spath infection is a BIG job and denial and avoidance doesn’t lessen the job when we finally admit we gotta do it. The ONLY way forward is THROUGH the pain and that usually takes a lotta help.
Hens… that guy back then? He didn’t behave like a healthy guy. If you were just being kind to someone who was recovering from a bad breakup and not romantically interested … wouldn’t you tell that person the truth in a kind way, more like the sharing of a big brother?
LL-I have been alone through this whole process. I thought I had the support of my stepmom until I found out that my N father is using her to f*** with my head and get to me. He is triangulating her between him and I and that’s what N’s do. My N mother does the same with her family.
It seems that this whole issue with the unemployment and the fallout has brought all my childhood abuse and dysfunction forward, so now I am dealing with 2 major things and then a third, just because of my feelings toward neighbor lady. There was always an attraction since day 1 when I moved in here-from the moment I saw her and met her, way before all these issues came up-when I was employed and confident and thinking everything was OK. (false sense of security). Once all this trouble started by feelings for her morphed into this huge dramatic intense THING where she has gotten to me in some way and I can’t get her OUT. I want her OUT of my heart and my feelings. I want her to go back to just being the lady who lives next door that I talk with sometimes.
I’m so tired of all this drama and intensity and I don’t know how to make it go away. As far as being on meds, that ain’t gonna happen-first cuz it will be in my record for all to see and second, I don’t any medicine except the occasional allergy OTC if things get too bad. I am against it-for me anyway. I am doing all the things that I need to do for ME-as Oxy says-sleeping, eating right, exercise, decreased caffeine, etc and I am feeling less stress and more peaceful. I’m no freaking out like I was before. I just don’t want to feel the sadness that I feel when SHE comes anywhere near me. I have actually been trying to avoid her as much as possible. I actually looked out the peep hole to make sure she wasn’t out there before I took the garbage out last night. As soon as I opened the door and hit the steps she comes flying out of her side and said “hey”. She just had to get something from her car right when I was taking the trash out and that’s what got me upset. I wasn’t expecting to see her and I didn’t want to see her.
Nolarn~ Just my 2 cents worth… Your neighbor lady was apparently waiting for you to open your door. If you really do not want to see her, maybe you should just tell her that you’ve got some things to think through on your own right now.
If it were me, I would say something like: “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like talking right now, I really need some time to think things through on my own. Thanks for understanding.”
That’s just how I would handle it. Take care of YOU. 🙂
Hey NoLaRN,
I totally getcha about the meds. I didn’t want it on my record that I was taking anti anxiety meds b/c I knew it’d be used as proof that I was the crazy lady. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat (and yes, my cat is safe…. it was GOSSIP that I was the crazy lady, not truth!!)
I took the otc route, no caffeine for sure but also paid strict attention to my diet b/c sugar/refined carbs affects me too. And I took 5-HTP and Melantonin, adjusting dosage and time.
By getting restful sleep, I made huge strides in having energy to battle daytime stress. At night, when you feel vulnerable, it’s b/c your energy is depleted. But your body needs its energy depleted so you go to sleep. So put your trash out early morning! And then you have the whole day to physically work out your anxiety.
Just something to think about….
ps Sounds to me like your neighbor lady is stalking you… Maybe you should go gray rock on her?
H2H-we didn’t talk we just said “hey” and I would have been alright maybe if I hadn’t made eye contact with her. I don’t know-it was so brief. That’s why I don’t understand why I lost it ended up totally upset and in tears. I keep telling myself that I don’t care what she thinks and hoping that it will work if I keep telling myself that. Then all she had to do is look at me and I’m a freakin puddle on the ground. She just doesn’t understand that I have been bottling up emotions and feelings all my life and that’s why I am 100 lbs overweight and the only way to break that cycle is to STOP doing it. There is nothing wrong with my crying and it doesn’t make me weak. SHE is the one who has something wrong with HER because she refuses to show any kind of emotion but anger and defensiveness. I am just trying as much as I can to avoid her. I should be starting to get a little bit of work by the end of the week with the agency and that will automatically be less time that I’ll have to deal with her. She works out of the house half the time so she is here and around WAY MORE THAN I WANT HER TO BE DURING THE DAY. It will be great if I can start working some night shifts-then I can come home and sleep during the day and not have to deal with her.
Katy, I don’t think she’s stalking me. I used to try to see her a lot because of the crush but now that she makes me uncomfortable so I avoid. I have some 5-htp and melatonin so I may try that. I went off my meds for the carb cravings cuz I can’t afford it AND the sugar is out of my system. The meds made me tired cuz they are primarily used for migraines/seizures. Hopefully I can stay off the sugar and I won’t need to refill it. My doc has another med she needs to put me on for weight loss for my ovaries but I can’t see her now due to no insurance-I have to wait.
I am just going to do EVERYTHING I can do to avoid contact with her and hopefully things will get better. I will feel better when I know for sure whether I’ll be able to get enough work with this agency to survive and I am still praying that the Sheriff’s office calls soon about the job that I want.
nocop – Ok, I am just tryin to help ya here, we all are. So maybe you feel like a big failure right now and you think she is looking down on you and judging? Ok , I get that, but I think You are feeling all these things about yourself and assume she feels the same way? Well most of the time I feel like a big failure and isolate myself cause I figure everybody else prolly thinks the same thing….
But the truth be known, people “everybody” are not thinking about me, they are busy thinking about themselves, I aint so special that people are – obsessing about ME…So, I am getting through this life the best I can, being the best I can be.
And neighbors? well my modo is Good fences, make good Neighbors…she will move or you will, this is not a permanent life long issue, it will change…but just know that I admire you for looking inward at yourself, I think your doing great.,..
Nolarn ~ I was just thinking… Maybe it’s not your neighbor lady at all. She may look at you with concern in her eyes, and that brings up all that emotion you’ve been keeping inside for so long.
You are exactly right. Crying doesn’t make you weak. Not in the least. It is good healthy expression of pent-up emotion.
For me, I always feel better after I have myself a good cry. If I needed to, I would cry into my pillow so that nobody could hear me. Yeah, sometimes it feels good to let out those sobs of anguish.
Hang in there, the work situation will probably help 🙂
Hens-thank you so much. I am trying SO hard right now to be OK and do what’s right and get through all this crap.
H2H-I feel like she IS concerned about me and I had her really worried before. I apologized to her about worrying her and she said it was ok. I am feeling a little humiliated right now and that’s part of why I avoid her. I don’t think she sees me the way she did before and I know that doesn’t matter. I have developed into such a people pleaser and someone who worries about what people think cuz it’s the only way to deal with what I went through in my past. It is really past time for me to deal with my past-instead of continuing to push it away. It is the only way that I will ever be happy with me. Once I can get stable employment and I feel like I can support myself the way I always have, I may not feel like such a failure and I may be able to deal with her better. I am not feeling good about myself right now and I feel weak due to my situation. I still don’t quite understand how she fits in to all this. I can’t even talk to her. I am great with communication and she sucks at it. I feel like there is so much going on behind those eyes but she won’t communicate with people. I am usually good with those kind of people too cuz I can get them to open up-I have in the past. She is totally closed off. I just wonder why I care so much.
nolarn, I read how you were envious of your neighbour being so at peace with herself being alone. I’ve had down times, both financially and depressed, not feeling good at all about myself. But I’ve also had lengthy periods where I was completely feeling A-ok in my skin, at home or outside.
For me some of the most powerful tools to help you focus on yourself, feel good in your skin or heal, is by taking physical care for yourself. Today I did it by taking a shower, and taking my time and enjoyment in it. And I mean a shower where I oil myself beforehand (protection of skin against the hot water which makes it dry and chappy otherwise), then use a shower gel with a smell that I love, and lastly some body cream to make my skin soft like a baby’s. It’s not a massage, not a sauna… but whenever you feel and smell yourself afterwards, it makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. It’s an act of caring for yourself.
Same goes for the house. It’s a total mess right now, and I won’t be able to get anything done with all the clutter being spread. But I washed all my dishes, cleaned the tops of my kitchen, made my sink shine, and mopped the floor. At least, it invites me to cook for myself. If I do a part of the house for 15-30 mins everyday, it’ll start to look like a home again where I can be at peace. And in 2 weeks it’ll look like a bed & breakfast with a fancy peaceful lounge.
I’ve done 15 mins of checking my bank account and checking at the bills I have to pay, and making sure I can pay them.
Tomorrow I’ll start on my 15 minutes of bodyweight workouts again (but careful), now that my knee is starting to gain strength of the operation again. It’ll force me also to get 4-5 healthy small meals a day for an optimal diet. By next month, my body will look more toned, and I will have all the nutricients to feel healthy and look healthy.
15 mins of body care, 15 mins of movement, 15 mins of decluttering my home, 15 mins of finances, and eating well, regularly and healthy… Just a total of 1 hour a day, and you can do all that on budget, without having to spend a dime (just use what you already own), and you will be actually taking care of yourself in a fundamental way, in a way where your actions are teaching you that you love yourself, and eventually you will. This is how you focus on yourself, a little bit every day, in my experience.
As for your neighbour… if she worries about you, then those are her feelings. You do not have any power over what someone else may feel about you. You only have a power on what you feel about them and yourself.
All the best to you 🙂