By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
your welcome erin72 – I had to lift up that rug and deal with a life time of junk I had swept under it…my rug lay’s alot flatter these days….a few pumps here and there but oh well – i mite get a new rug……
I’m not envious of her. I’m tired of the fact that I am so worried about what she thinks all the time. I’m tired of having a major crush on her that won’t go away. She shouldn’t have any part of my life. She should be just the lady who lives next door and that’s it. That’s what she was in the beginning and that’s what I want again. I let her in cuz she was showing concern for me and it’s turned into a lot of intensity and drama that I don’t want. I’m tired of feeling like I’m going to burst into a million pieces or melt into a puddle when she looks at me. I’m going to get out later and do some exercise and do what I can do take care of myself and meditate and chill.
Darwin,
I needed that post today. Thank you.
LL
Hens- I have been like you and swept everything under that rug and I’m through doing it-it’s so bad for me and it’s holding me in prison and I can’t get out. No more sweeping things under the rug. All that junk needs to come out and go in the trash where it belongs. I don’t want the drama and the intensity next door. She is SO freakin intense and I feel like that is rubbing off on me right now. I feel like she wants me to be like HER. What if she’s N like my parents and that’s why I am reacting so strongly? Maybe that’s why I am so attracted cuz I am drawn to drama, cuz that’s what I’m used to. After all was an N (dark triad), both my parents are N and the girlfriend before the ex was N also. Maybe I am just drawn to them cuz it’s all I know. I always make that joke of having invisible writing on my forehead that only N’s can see that says “welcome”. Maybe if I look at her as an N then I will be able to break this THING that is going on. After all, my ex had those intense eyes that she has that made me feel super strong attraction. She has those really dark beautiful intense eyes that captivate me.
Sorry, nolarn… I didn’t mean “envious” in a negative way… just that you expressed the wish to have her peace in being alone. I’m sorry if you felt I was criticising you.
I think we all know here, how it is to think of someone, even if it’s as distraction from someone you totally do not want to think of. It’s annoying. It’s hard. And the more you tell yourself, not to think of someone, the more you are.
The best remedy in my experience is by forcing yourself into actions that make you think of yourself: like cleaning, cooking, exercise, makig yourself pretty for yourself… Our minds may wander a bit, but mostly the mind will be busy with scrubbing, cutting vegetables, watching the time and following the youtube video how to do the exercise… it will start to distract your mind and physically put the focus on yourself and your home peace.
And one of the best books I’ve ever read to help love yourself on an emotional level, is that of Rhonda Britten, “Fearless loving”. I don’t care about the dating stuff part right now, while rereading it, but she first starts out with exercises to make you help recognize the true love and care you may have had in the past (and it doesn’t always have to be from parents), what you have as love in the present (my cat Darwin is a daily provider), and how to love yourself. I’m a puddle in tears when I read and do the first exercises, not of grieve, but from joy.
My pleasure, LL 🙂
Oh, Hens ~ I am disappointed that you did not go out and kick up your heels last night. I was looking forward for the report. Don’t you dare say you are too old, there is no such thing.
Norlar ~ I just drop in and out of LF, so it is hard for me to keep up. I hope I have this right. You want to be a cop, right? Have you even though about applying to be a 911 dispatcher/operator. My hubby retired from a 30 year career as a firefighter and now works for our county sheriff as a dispatcher. Many of the young people he works with use this job to get their foot in the door to become a deputy, plus you get to see the job close up. He is actually considered a deputy and even has to wear the same uniform as the road deputies. Just a thought, maybe you have already looked into this.
Tobecop,
I wonder if your neighbor is a spath? it seems strange that she has this power over you. You know spaths always seem so nice at first. They are the last person you would consider to be a spath until the mask slips. Initially, they are almost magnetic and their presence evokes emotions and drama.
The fact that she told you that she won’t allow herself to feel anything, is almost scary. Maybe it’s a sociopathic tell and what she means is that she DOESN’T feel anything.
Just a thought. be careful.
MiLO-I actually have applied for a 911 dispatcher position with my local Sheriffs office. They are not hiring deputies until next year. None of my local agencies are hiring cops/deputies til next year. It would be a good way to transition my way out of nursing into law enforcement. Plus, it will be easier to get into the academy for a deputy position if I am already working as a dispatcher. I would like this to be my full time job and supplement the decreased pay with agency nursing. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I applied and those positions take longer to hear back on since they do so much background checking. My background won’t be checked as strenuously as it will be for a deputy but it will be much more so than for nursing. They asked for copies of all high school and college diplomas and transcripts. I am praying everyday that I get the job. They actually work 12hr shifts too so I will have time to do nursing shifts and still make money. I need the time until next year since I am fat and out of shape and I am trying to get in shape before going back into an academy.
skylar-that’s what I just started thing this morning and I posted that to Hens recently. I started researching again because I was wondering if maybe she is an N or maybe she is an S. It’s easy to see the N traits in my parents and my ex boyfriend but I don’t have as much experience recognizing it in the business world and that is her world.
The big thing that made me think about it is the issues and intensity that I am having when we make eye contact and it is reminding me of ex boyfriend, who is the dark triad and totally malignant. The was a lot of intensity associated with his eye contact too and the whole relationship was laden with intensity. I am starting to feel the same way about her and she has those same gorgeous dark brown eyes that he had. Maybe it’s causing me problems because it all feels way too familiar. Maybe I am right to be attempting NC with her and I am also a little concerned now that she has some dirty on me that can do some damage as far as my future career. This is starting to make me nervous.