By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
2bcop,
well at least you know, now, that those weren’t even your thoughts, and that you would never kill yourself or even consider it. So if you ever get the urge again, look around for a spath.
My spath told me that his ex-gf killed herself. I never could understand that mentality, until I began to feel the urge to die. It was all coming from him – I figured that out because it was SO UNLIKE ME and it only happened in his presence. Then on top of that he would talk about suicide all the time. it was so crazy and unbelievable.
Sky-thank you so much for reading that long post of mine and pointing out some of those things that I was unable to see cuz she had me tied up in knots. Seriously, if you look up frigid bitch in the dictionary, a huge picture of her will be there. She puts off these different vibes depending on my response to her. When she first came out the house the first time, she looked all soft wearing a pink t shirt and giving me the eyes-which I ignored. When she left the second time she was in all black with arrogant frigid attitude. When I saw that I was like WTF-why was I attracted to THAT? She even walks different depending on which face she has on.
Hens,
Well I like you. Every day. And I’ll say it’s so everyday n’ ya’ll can’t stop me. So there. La la la la. I can’t hear ya say shut up. La la la la la.
NoLa2bcop – Gotcher groove on don’t cha. See what happens when ya take back yer power?! Ya got yer don’t f c me sign on! Gotcher groove thing… yeah yeah.
ps Be cool. Don’t overplay or indulge in revealing any feeling to her at all, not even rightous anger. Main TAIN yer power! Yeah Yeah! Come on, catch the beat and grooooovee with me. Yeah Yeah. Got yer groove thing, gotcher gotcher groove thing. yea yeah.
Hey ya’ll. I am groovin ’cause I got a puppy. A wee darling. I am spreading the luv.
I use two different names to specify a type of anger…
I meditated for years, and used the chakra system to go properly from grounding to the crown (very airy). Because I explored several of these chakras in so many meditation adventures I have been able to explore and recognize where a certain emotion comes from. Even if you do not believe there are actual chakras existing in our bodies, at least it’s very useful to know in which self you are an emotional mess.
Sexual longing, hunger, needing to move and make contact with nature… that is all the base chakra, the grounding one. So, hence, the first step to loving myself starts with righting the grounding. Without grounding, I cannot do much clearing and healing in the higher areas. It is normal to feel an intense need for sexual satisfaction soon after a break-up, because it is a way to ground yourself and release tension. Just do not pick the ex for it.
If I feel gutted or have a churning stomach or butterflies, then it’s related to the pure human emotional self that falls in love or pain. It is not equal to the heart for example. Instinctual fears (and also panic) and creativity and fantasy stem from the same place for me. In order to heal your human emotions and desires, it is helpful to fantasise and be creative (which is why creative writing can often be so helpful, and people who grieve write poetry). Again best not fantasise about the ex.
But not all fear is from that human emotion self. Fear for rejection, anxiety, frustrtaion and all the guilt mind-muddling is pure ego. I will feel a tightening at my solar plexus if my upsetness is ego-related. It is also the place where anger comes from: to gain control or power (and power is not always a negative to me, depends on what you do with it and what you use it for), assert yourself, or lash out because the ego is fearful or hurt. All these types of anger, I just call anger. Just like it is essential to take physica care of myself and be grounded, the ego needs to be healthy as well. The ego is the seat of the will. And when it’s not shining brightly and benevolently, I end up willing the wrong things. The best way to gain confidence again is by socialising with people who I know will support me, like here on this forum, but also in the world, and enjoying the sun of course.
After the ego, comes the heart. This is the first chakra area that belongs to the higher self, or linked to god (whichever is your belief). We tend to think of the heart as a place of emotions and love. But the heart does not know many emotions really. And its love is more related to the love like Jezus proclaims. It is all encompassing, non discriminative and unconditional. And it knows anger too… I call the anger of the heart, “wrath”. If I feel wrath, it feels like I want to rage like a storm and blow the world away. People who meditated along with me, once saw me as a tornado raging, and sanseveria leafs flying everywere. That was because I had told them that I had busted out of a coffin, feeling like Lara Croft, and one of them said they saw me as some sheep herder girl statuette, smiling in the sun, of a window sill, surrounded by sanseveria plants. When I’m wrathfull, I want to be taken seriously, so in my mind I was busting that happy-go image and ripping the plants. Wrath can work very destructively, like God getting rid of humanity in the bible with a disaster. I only learned that the heart was both the place of godlike love as well as wrath, through a meditation involving the grail and having to go through thornbushes that cut me from head to toe. The other last two emotions from the heart is that of “sacrifice” and “forgivance”. If I have been betrayed in the heart, especially if I made a sacrifice, then the wrath will purge my heart until the storm dies down and my heart is free again to forgive (not them, but myself), and love myself and my life again truly. If I love myself truly, only then can I love the world again and its people, including pity for the lost souls.
Typically, people rush to the heart, when the lower areas are not yet healthy, and cling to the heart feeling of altruism. But exaclty because they are not healthy in the ego, nor on an emotional level, let alone are well grounded, they give when and where it’s not needed, ending up being meddlesome and so destroy more than do good. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say. That is why for me: clinging to the heart emotions, while not being healthy in the lower essential, they step across boundaries. I’ve had 2-3 women friends wanting to “help” in my history and they acted on it, while their own life was a mess. I pushed them out of my life immediately, because it made me lose a potential job, a potential lover, etc…
The next one is the throat. In meditation the vision will often involve very un-3D imagery. I’d become a DNA string or something, or a thread of a giant web encompassing the universe, heck even acryl rubber tapped from the tree and being stirred or something. Sound is also often involved. This is the place of healing and growth (thyroid gland is located there), and communication (the voice chords are located there too). Hence in order to heal and grow you need to express yourself in some way. That is why this blog is a place of healing.
After that comes the third eye. This place is void of emotion, because it is the sole area where yI can look at a situation objectively and feeling uninvolved. When the eye is opened, I can see reality for what it is. Here is where the acceptance of the shell behind the mask comes in. All the lower chakras will see the spath in a skewed way for its own purposes: sexual attraction, bonding, pride, and saving them.
The last one is the crown, and the door to the universe/God/everyone. It is the seat of the spirit, and without it you cannot have faith (in anything). With faith comes also the sensation of bliss. Hence, in order to trust someone again, everything else must be healthy too.
Phew, I wanted to write something about wrath versus anger… and ended up describing the 7 steps for me to be healed.
ok Katydid – nothin cheers me up like a puppy – what dids ya get – tell us about it…..p.s. i like you too, just been in a funky mood….oh ps, i like everybody here just no where else…
Thanks for the reminder Ox. I am venting here. It feels good!! In actuality I do try with all I’ve got to find a good place inside of myself and take good care of ME. Be kind to myself. But yeah the whole fiasco pissed me off good…
I am hoping that by venting I will get the poison out which in turn makes me a happier person. And healthier too!
Liz Gilbert says in Eat, PRay, Love she beat up a sofa with a baseball bat! HaHa sounds good to me 🙂
Hens, I moved our children to the bigger cage, outside the barn, but put up some cardboard and will turn on a light for them tonight….now I won’t have to change “duckie diapers” every day! It was almost 100 degrees here today!
They are soooo cute! Eating their little hearts out! Their craws get so full they can hardly stand up. Hee hee
Puppies are cute but baby duckies are cuter!
I guess we should add that to the RED FLAGS….religious fanatics! Socios hide behind organized religion to cover up their evilness. Its the wolves in sheeps clothing!!!