By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Ox Drover,
Thanks for the tough love. I know all that. Everytime i think there is no way he can trick me again, he does (and yes, my kids now know not to let him in!). I told her to leave me alone, that I’m done with the drama, and she has. But we live in a small town, he grew up here (I didn’t but have been here 20 years), I see his friends and family and him and her EVERYWHERE. Can’t move, have two teens in high school who would be devasted to leave their friends, and can’t change phone # (it’s a work cell). I’ve done everything possible for NC, but then I see them together in the grocery store, or he calls me at my office (no caller id). My problem is that I know exactly what’s happening, have known he was a spath for 2 years maybe but only got the full import of that recently with the help of this blog and site, but still can’t get him ‘out of my head’. I’m in therapy too, with someone familiar with socios/psychos/narcissists. Just having a bad day today and needed to vent, tomorrow will probably be better.
Dear Abbri,
You need to set a good example for your kids….kids learn what they observe, so do it for your kids if you can’t do it for yourself! ((hugs)))) I know it is tough, but you are stronger than you know!
Hi Abbri,
I hope you don’t mind my chiming in my two sense. I can feel your pain because I’ve been there, and I seriously hate what these sub-humans do to people. You said in your post that he has cheated on her with you only 3 times “which is a change” since he cheated on you with many women. Trust me, he has cheated on her more times than you can imagine, with other women other than yourself. And he will continue to do so. Also, just an FYI. For the longest time I absolutely KNEW it was in my best interest to have no contact with this guy but I was so obsessed about his life and whether he was changing for his woman-of-the-moment. So, I would pick up when he called if only to tell him not to call me. Think about how crazy that is. Anyway, looking back, I gave SO MUCH energy on him when none of it mattered even a bit. But at the time, it FELT like it mattered tremendously. To this day, this guy is exactly the same doing what he has always done, and yours will too. He CANNOT be any different, NO MATTER what he is telling you. Remember that. No matter what. There is a great article on here (amongst many) written by Steve Becker. Can’t remember the exact title but something along the lines of “Sociopaths sliding back.” Read this and internalize it!!!! Plus, hen you are ready for no contact, I bet your employer would agree to change that phone number if you explain that it is imperative. He isn’t “tricking” you at all. In your heart, you know what the score is.
Hopeful6596~
Oxy, ya mean I can get in shape on here just by cyber smackin’ people? Hell, count me in. But in all seriousness, your comment about how you can see how crazeeeeeee people can get over the Spath is right on. It really is just crazy-making and such an indescribably wonderful feeling when you know you are finally free. Woot!
Hopeful6596~
Hopeful,–
You are so right. I want him to call me so I can either ignore the call or tell him to f*** off. I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH HIM, but I guess I’m still at the stage where I want to get some revenge, no matter how small. The pregnant girlfriend thing threw me for a loop. I feel bad for her and now know that their relationship is as bad, actually worse, as ours was (for awhile there i was convinced they were happy and the problem was me, but now I know much better).
I think my biggest confusion right now is why I know 100% that he is a sociopath, that he never loved me, that he will continue this way forever, but I still can’t get him out of my head. It’s like a weird obsession. My therapist (who is also a nurse practioner so can prescribe meds) has tried xanax, zoloft, and next will be dexedrine (i have ADD as well) to curb the unwelcoming thoughts. Nothing has helped so far, probably just time.
It took me so long to realize what he was for several reasons–he was in the marines and I couldn’t imagine someone like that would even join, let alone become a corpsman; his mother, who is a well-respected special ed principal at a school for “bad boys” adores him, etc.–that I’m still having some doubts. I guess it will just take time. So tired of the pain though (although the weight loss is a welcome side effect!).
Abbri,
That’s the thing. There’s a book called Mask of Sanity. The title should tell you all you need to know. They are MASTERS of charm and appearing normal. My x-spath went to college at U of Chicago and then to Harvard for grad school. Incidentally, I verified this so I know it’s true. But at almost 40 yrs old, he has squandered his entire life and mooched off people. Like most sociopaths, he is excellent at telling tales of woe (either current or past) to make people feel sorry for him. That your x-spath used his daughter to make you feel sorry for him and get you to see him again, is no surprise in the least. It is CLASSIC!! What they are very good at is acting in such a way that leaves you doubting that they are “that crazy” and then when you get sucked in, the crazy making begins once again. Abbri, they are absolute MASTERS at this. After the 3rd time I took mine back, I was so convinced that he actually “got it”. He even read a self help book in one night and could tell me exactly what it was about and would have “honest and frank” discussions with me about what we would need to change in the relationship. He laid it on so thick, you cannot even fathom. THEN, I found out that all the while he was cheating and telling at least two others (that I spoke to) the same stuff. So, what I suggest to you is to let go of the vengeance. Do you think it matters one bit to him??? It does not. You, like EVERYONE else, are inconsequential to him. He enjoys playing with you like a tortured toy, and every time you react, HE WINS!!!! The only way you win is if you have no contact. Trust me, Abbri, you will get to the point where you do not care. My therapist kept telling me this, and I just could not even fathom getting to that point, but I AM there. You will be too.
Hopeful6596~
Abbri,
Hopeful said it, “everytime you react, he wins.”
The only and BEST revenge you can have is NO REACTION, NO CONTACT. It’s exceedingly painful for them to lose their supply. So make him suffer, go gray rock if you see him, but avoid him completely if you can. They are not like us and they don’t have the same values that we have. They only want to manipulate, control and see you suffer. It’s why they do what they do.
Turn the tables, make him suffer withdrawal FROM YOU.
Skylar,
You added a great point with Abbri. “they are not like us!” And how, sistah! I think that’s one of the things that may be hard to wrap your brain around when you’re still in the crazy-making stage. WE feel all this stuff, and they have such a deficit in this area. We will never know how it is not to have a conscience or empathy. We couldn’t even play-act it if we wanted to, because we just aren’t made of the same stuff, thankfully. They can and do whatever it is they want and our pain doesn’t disturb their morning coffee. One of the things I think it is important for the “newbies” on hear to get is that they can and do say whatever it is you want to hear and will sound self-aware. It IS an act. They may even believe their own bullcrap, but the bottom line is that they cannot cannot cannot change. I’ve actually dealt with 3 in my life and it’s amazing how similar they are. And each of them are still doing what it is that sociopaths do. I have no contact but hear through the grape vine. I think another thing that is important is to LET GO of any visions of a magical, spontaneous healing with a sociopath. I think this may keep many people hoping since they always seem to have an abundance of “supply.” I wanted to be the “supply” that made a difference in his life. It was very naive thinking and potentially very dangerous. Anyway, for those that have a dream of a happy ending, it will not happen with a sociopath. Period. Let it go.
Hopeful6596~
Dear Abbri,
If you are ADD that will also be something that you need to address as well, and make it more difficult for you to focus on your healing. It makes it harder to control your impulses to call him or answer one of his calls. BUT you CAN control those impulses, it will just be somewhat more difficult.
As for his mother being “fooled”—well, the thing is that many mothers love their kids and no matter what the kids do or become they still are supportive of them, still keep up hope that the “child” who is now an adult will reform. I have a son who is a murderer in prison, and for so long, decades, I wanted to believe he would reform….because I loved him I was BLIND, so your X’s mother being blind is no surprise to me.
What is important now in your life is for YOU to put yourself first. You can’t fix him, you can’t change him. He is what he is and it is TOXIC and will ruin your life, but YOU HAVE CHOICES and you have information and it is up to you to make healthy choices for yourself. YOUR LIFE. (((hugs)))
My experience with spath went on and off for 7 years. Gruelling, torturious, and crazy….There never was an equalibrium, only drama, drama, drama.
He did pretty much what ever he wanted, and I kept beleiving if I could just get it right, I could control him.
He would get more and more out of line (no one in their right mind would put up with what I was putting up with) I would raise hell, he would accuse me of being crazy (I was.) He would leave, I would mourn, and rage. I might or might not start to feel a little more sane (one break up lasted over a year) and he’d come back, remouseful (yeah, right) having learned the error of his ways (did I say, yeah right?). This was bliss. Just what I wanted. I was in control. The tables had turned. (Said very tongue in cheek.)
Within a week or two, he was back to being an incorrigable hound-dog. I couldn’t keep him in, and I couldn’t keep him out….he was back in control and making me miserable, because I had absolutely none. I wasn’t even able to control myself. I knew he had no empathy, and no conscience, that he was using me and acting reprehensibly, that he was torturing me, and that I was being degraded and humiliated, but when he’d come back, I’d cave, always sliding back into denial, taking the bait of the wonderful feeling that I had control, and that he was sorry. Bullshit. He was never sorry, and I never had control. You don’t either.
I had to quit yearning for contol over him, and gain control over myself. That’s where you are right now. You are addicted, and that means you are out of control. The only way to gain control is to take it one day at a time, and NO MATTER WHAT, stay NC. This is withdrawl, and it sucks. But a drunk can’t stop drinking by just taking a sip, now and then….it’s cold turkey time.
And really, you don’t even know what it feels like to have power in a relationship til you go NC…it’s the only real power we have, and they hate it. LOL. They hate it, and I love it. BWAAAAHAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA.