By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
SK,
Why did he say those things since he couldn’t mean time?
Well, it brings to mind the old “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”—-if you are out to lure someone in, do you scream horrible things to them or do you talk nice so they will be lured in.
If I am trying to catch a dog, cat, or horse that is running from me, I do NOT shout angry words at it, I get some sweet feed or a treat and I talk baby talk to it, then I put the rope or halter over it’s head and it is caught and BACK UNDER MY CONTROL.
THAT is why a psychopath says “sweet” things to you. Just to lure you in close enough to regain control.
Far ~ Glad to hear that you’re ignoring spath. Good for you!!
Your dreams are definitely a product of your subconscious mind. I believe that it’s due to the fact that you’re still wishing it could have worked.
IT WAS NOT REAL. If you keep torturing yourself with the idea that he was anything but the evil spath under that MASK, you are only prolonging your own misery.
BLOCK him from your phone. Please take care of YOU. (((hugs)))) H2H
A friend (male) who knows the bugs has sent me this http://www.activistpost.com/2011/05/do-psychopaths-misrule-our-world.html
Maybe they feel mostly just primary impulses like those for power, control of territory, sex. Like animals but much more worse because psychopaths learn, but as they’re psychos just learn ways of increasing their power over other peoples.
farwronged… I had a dream too with him, the good illusion without flaws. The thing is, part of the relationship as a relationship I see as a good learning experience as well. Even if it was fake, it was good for me to share my living space with someone, to feel how it feels to me to live with someone. I only had one long term relationship before this one, when I was in college, and still living with my parents. I had totally forgotten after a decade what it was like to have a boyfriend, to share intimately, etc… Yes, it was the wrong guy and he faked it… but I didn’t, and it didn’t always feel fake. I think I can cherish it for the experience. That part will actually help me if I’m ever in a new relationship. And I felt the dream was telling me to take that good part for myself and cherish it, even though I should not project it onto him, which I don’t.
Superkid, Intellectually he knows that you are NOT an object. He realizes that you have free will, and make decisions about how you will live your life (even if he doubts your entitlement to) And he know you feel emotions like joy, empathy, and hurt. He doesn’t understand those emotions, because he doesn’t feel them, but because he knows YOU DO, he knows that the only way he can insure his own gratification is to manipulate YOUR feelings. He ACTS the part of the loving and remorseful good guy.
In a way, it’s the spaths that are the objects, because they are things that can’t feel….
H2H,
Thats just it, I have accepted that it was not real and never can be. These dreams have me feeling miserable. I wake up feeling terrible. I dont want to dream of him or even think of him. I cant help it! Its like hes haunting and torturing me without being present. These creeps really do a job on you.
Good advice darwinsmom. My spath was GOOD. When we were happy it was blissful and all the affection,intimacy, and words seemed so sincere. He had a thing for romantic comedies, I think thats where he got his game from. Lol
Superkid ~ Thank you. Even as current as a week ago and after being notified by my attorney to stop contacting me, my Spath sent me a text that read “101.7….don’t forget what we said”. The song playing on the radio was Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. It WAS our song at one time and if you know the song, it basically is saying that even though we are apart, I STILL LOVE YOU. Ugh, puke! When I read his text, I started laughing out loud. I found it very funny that even though I have been NC for over 8 months now and have NEVER answered his texts, he continues trying to bait me to answer.
What he doesn’t know or hasnt conceived yet, is that I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON because of him and his spath ways. I AM STRONG. I AM IN CHARGE. I AM FREE. I am no longer waiting in the wings for his every text. At his beckon call when things were getting bad for him. The shoulder to lean on when things were tough. I AM NOT THAT WOMAN ANYMORE. Right now his head is spinning because none of his BS words are working on me like they did in the past. WHY? Because I NOW KNOW WHAT HE IS! And NEVER again will I allow myself to have the wool pulled over my eyes and my heart! RIP Spath!
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN AT THOSE BEGINNING STAGES OF NC and I THOUGHT I WASN”T GOING TO MAKE IT EMOTIONALLY. BUT THROUGH GOD’S GRACE and A LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE FAMILY, I SURVIVED.
YOU CAN DO THIS! STAY STRONG! AND NC, NC, NC!
SK,
you DO play with your computer and your phone.
You manipulate both of them to get them to respond and give you feedback. They get the same sense of “satisfaction” from our responses to them, when they “push our buttons”. So that answers part of your question, but it still leaves you ruminating on WHY did he need my responses? Why did he need to torture me to get the kind of responses he got: pain and anguish. Why not just loving responses?
This is a great question because it places in the spotlight the FALSE answer that they do what they do because they simply don’t care. You are right, you don’t have empathy for your cellphone, but you don’t try to torture and destroy your cellphone. (except for Hens, who DID smash his to smithereens!! oh my! 🙂 )
The spaths act out of a DESIRE to make you suffer, anything that they might gain in the process, is only to make your suffering worse, as you see him gaining while you lose. He is driven by envy. He sees that you have something that he doesn’t have: Self-esteem.
Your self-esteem is his target. He has none of his own and he doesn’t even want it. He wants YOUR esteem and he wants it in two ways: first, your esteem means he wants you to place him in high esteem in your own eyes. He mirrors you and wears a facade so that you will admire and love him. He only exists when he exists FOR YOU, that’s why NC is so painful for them, it’s like not existing. They borrow our self-esteem and our reputations, just like Arnold borrowed Maria’s and my spath borrowed mine, so he could make a name for himself – the better to con more people.
Secondly, he wants to steal your esteem, your SELF-esteem, so that you are left with none. That’s why they slander us and slime us with shame. They do this by throwing our love back in our faces, covered with slime. They know that we loved them as a REFLECTION of loving ourselves and that we extended our self-esteem to them, only to be rewarded with slime and shame. They know that is how we fool ourselves, by believing that we could only love a person who is as good as we are, when in fact, we have thrown our pearls to swine. I used that quote with my spath ONE time and he repeated it back to me soooo MANY times. He caught the meaning as it applied to me and repeated it over and over as a sociopathic TELL.
In the end, they are vicious and remove their evil masks, to throw the fact that you were fooled into loving evil, in your face. They think that this reflects on you and brings you down to their level.
It doesn’t. But that’s the best they can do with the few tools they have: Charm, pity and rage.
Sorry, I didn’t have time to be brief. 😉
Skylar you are right about the self esteem. My spath would even try toconvince me that I was not happy with myself. Wtf? When he would assalt me and I stayed, he would make me feel worse by saying things like I obviously dont think I deserve better, huh? They dont understand that we put up with theur crap out of love even when we know theyre no good for us. My spath would pride himself on being attracted to strong women however things got ugly between us when I wasnt submissive enough for him or tried to take control. Can you say contradiction? Nothing they day makes much sense in the end.