By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Towanda! Was what the character Kathy Bates played in Fried Green Tomatoes said when she plowed her car into the car of some snotty kids who had deliberately scooted into a parking place she was going into….it is the “semi-official” LoveFraud BATTLE CRY!!!!!! When you do a good thing! Can’t remember who started it, but it has sort of become a LF tradition!
Glad you had a HEARTY LAUGH, when we start to really laugh again it is a good sign we are truly on the mend. I am so glad for you!!!!! (((hugs))))
dancingnancy,
you described it well. Their twisted logic is that they are superior for whom they can bring down. How can they be superior when they can’t even exist unless they are in someone else’s presence? Without the host, the parasite weakens and dies.
Hope to Heal and farwronged:
Oh, dear…that is EXACTLY what my former spath did to me…the triangulation thing!!!! I can’t believe I am reading it here. It really smacked me in the face. He played me and another girl in my office against each other and it worked like a charm. I absolutely hate her now and will never speak to her again. I think that is what he wanted…wanted to see us fighting over him. He would always tell me that she was jealous of me and I also know that he was talking about me to her. Wow!!!! This is unbelievable. But in the end, I am not sure who has really “won” here. I left my very good job to get away from both of them. Did I come out better in the end? They are both still there and I am sure carrying on their shinanigans while they are both married (I am single). Or did I come out better because I was able to leave the rat race behind and enjoy my life by being free and not having to work?? They are still slaves!
And if what they miss is the “supply,” I guess it makes me feel bad because if he is not contacting me, then he doesn’t need my supply. Makes me feel like I wasn’t exciting enough for him. I am sure it’s only because he has other sources, but can anyone relate to that feeling…the feeling that if we are not being contacted then we don’t have what they want?? I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. But I do have to say, I have come a long, long way.
Well, I got some information a day or two ago about some X friends of mine, a couple who were I think now full fledged Ps, or pushing the 30 on the PCL-R for sure….I had let them come here to stay on the farm in their motor home….he was/is disabled from a horrible back injury when he was a kid and fell off a mountain and crushed his spine…she is just neurotic and OCD as well as a thief…and I knew that about her but I felt PITY for them (can we say Oxy falls for the pity play! BOINK!!!!) and I let them come out here and park, and sure enough they tried to take over control of the place like the deed was in their name….and I caught her stealing again, and I CRIED FOR 3 DAYS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HER HER FEELINGS BECAUSE SHE KNEW I CAUGHT HER STEALING….duh! Okay, Oxy learns to set a boundary….and tells them they must leave. They leave and go mooch off his retarded brother for a while….then I had let them store the stuff they hoarded in an old building near the farm but not on the farm and they were given 90 days to remove their stuff….9 months later I hear from them….PITY PLAY delux….I do not fall for it, then they do the smear campaign with other mutual friends…friends do not fall for it, but not all friends believe what son D tells them about the couple, until the couple starts TAKING OVER THEIR PLACE….and they have to run them off….well, after nearly 30 years of marriage and co-abusing each other and others, they have split up. This split actually surprised me as I never thought that they would split up, but rumor has it that he had become very publicly verbally abusive of her…I also know his drug intake had gone way up as well and he was apparently staying stoned 24/7 on both Rx drugs and street drugs.
You know the Bible tells us we should NOT gloat over the down fall of our enemies….and I know it is NOT good to do so, but dang it is hard for me not to feel vindication when the people who have done me so much dirt, who have kicked me when I was down arrange their own down fall by their own bad behavior and the world (and our mutual friends ) see that I was RIGHT all along!!!!!!
I try to stick with SELF VALIDATION and to make SELF VALIDATION the most important thing….but it does feel good when we observe the psychopaths, the disordered ones bring themselves down. Just like ErinB’s drug dealing scum bucket husband getting arrested for dealing drugs and the whole town knew….while she vindicated herself, validated her self, I know it was a good feeling for her that now the whole town knew she was right and he was a fake, a scum bucket and now everyone knows.
I’m gonna have to work on my attitude about this couple being brought low by their own bad behavior—and believe me there were lots of grown up Eagle scouts who idolized this couple and would have done lots of things for them….until their envy and sense of entitlement and ownership of others’ property brought them down. I am grateful to them though for the fact that their bad behavior and stealing finally forced me to learn to set boundaries and not feel guilty about it. So sometimes even the worst of “friendships” helps us to learn and grow, so maybe by looking at it that way I can adjust MY ATTITUDE by being grateful to them for making me learn to set boundaries. I need to ponder on this some.
Dear Oxy ~
I guess it’s true after all. What goes around, DOES finally come around.
P.S. I think it’s only natural to feel at least a bit of “justice” in what’s happening with them.
You certainly don’t sound as if you’re celebrating their downfall. THAT would be gloating. Actually, it sounds to me as if you’re handling it quite well.
I hope you’re not beating yourself up too badly over it dear Oxy. IMHO it is undeserved. You are a good, caring person. ((hugs))
H2H
You know, the rain falls on the just and the unjust, but most of the time when people are dishonest, hateful, don’t have compassion for others, they end up shooting themselves in the foot one way or another. We may not even know about how it happens, but many many times it does.
Donna’s X has failed health and financial circumstances and yet he still tries to con others….the S-path that targeted One/Joy is so physically obese she can hardly walk and has been outed on U-tube and in court is being sued for her frauds….the ultimate outing for someone like her, ErinBrock’s X got arrested for drugs and so on….if nothing else they do not live a HAPPY OR CONTENTED LIFE…no matter how much money or fame or whatever they have they never have “enough.”
Don’t know if you remember the thing that went around on e mail for a while (it pops up every now and then) about “I wish you ENOUGH…” and being content with what we have, by not being envious of others, of being satisfied with life and the material possessions we have, not always lusting after a bigger car, a bigger home, more cash, etc. we can have a satisfying life. But if we are always DISSATISFIED by what we have, by where we live, etc. we will NEVER BE HAPPY.
I don’t mean you shouldn’t want to improve your circumstances or go to school to get a degree so you can be the X (profession) you want to be, but you know the thing is that NOTHING OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES can’t be taken away. If we are filthy rich, we can lose it all, if we have our dream job we can lose it, if we have the dream lover who loves us back, they can die….so nothing outside ourselves can be trusted to keep us happy forever. We must depend on what is INTERNAL, our internal peace, to make us happy.
I used to tell my grandmother “I will be sooooo happy when I get X, y or z” and she would tell me “don’t wish your life away child” and I didn’t realize then what she was saying, but I do now.
For many years before I actually was able to I wanted to move back to the farm where I live now…and I kept thinking “I”ll be sooo happy when I can move to the farm.” and I was glad to move here, but I started letting living here be my security and happiness….and started letting my husband be my security and happiness…rather than my internal contentment…and bingo, I lost my husband through death, and eventually came to realize that even the farm can be lost to me, but that I can be happy, content without my husband and without the farm…that THEY are external things, not what is really important and nothing outside me is really secure.
Being a registered nurse practitioner was a big part of my identity, but with the PTSD After the aircraft crash and the resulting short term memory problems, I had to retire. WOW! Cut my income and my self image all in one swell foop! But I’m still ME….with the farm or not, with my husband or not, and with my job or not…I’m actually more content now than ever in my life. I realize there is nothing external that can make me happy. I have to be happy in order to enjoy those external blessings but they can’t MAKE me “happy.” Only I can do that.
So when people are not happy (and how could a psychopath or disordered greedy person) they make their own misery even if they gain financially so ultimately, they are in the LOSING POSITION and they won’t change….even if they don’t truly understand what is going on. They bring themselves misery day by day one way or another. Even if the public down fall doesn’t happen, the internal misery does.
Dear Oxy ~ we posted over each other. Wow, you are such an insightful woman! You truly amaze me with your wisdom.
Serious question for you: Have you thought of writing books? You have so much wonderful information to share.
Dear Hope2,
I have written a couple of local history books, and thought about writing a book about my P son, may still do that, not sure….writing is a lot harder than reading that is for sure….LOL
I appreciate your feed back and I do hope that my musings and ramblings here do help others….sometimes I think I shoot myself in the feet as much as the psychopaths do….and it is hard work to DO AS I SAY…it is much easier to give adivce to others than it is to do it yourself.
Back in the days when I worked in family practice medicine clinics I spent all day in the little exam rooms telling other people how to diet and exercise, quit smoking (I smoked) and so on, a PROFESSIONAL HYPOCRITE, LOL and I didn’t take my own advice, so here I am now on the low sodium diet, low calorie diet and FINALLY actually did quit smoking. I advised others how to handle their out of control kids, and counseled depressed people, etc. and I let my P-kid totally rule and ruin my own life….so now, FINALLY I am trying to take my own advice and to put into practice what I knew then was the thing to do but somehow figured didn’t really apply to ME.
I remember when I ended up in counseling (again) I sat there feeling ashamed of being on the WRONG SIDE of the clip board, of being the patient instead of the clinical provider…eventually I realized that I am just as HUMAN as the next guy and that these things DO APPLY to me. If I smoke I will get lung disease, if I get fat I will get diabetes, if I don’t exercise I won’t be healthy, if I don’t PRACTICE good emotional health, my life will be chaos….so I started working on myself, one thing at a time, changing one habit at a time, mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, and in my relationships…I learned to set boundaries and then actually set them and enforce them. It has been step-wise over years of hard work and I’m not done yet, and expect my “self improvement” to continue as long as I have two brain cells that can communicate with each other. It is like peeling the onion as I get one layer off another one is below it. But that’s okay, they get easier to peel as you get the practice and you start to feel better, more energetic and more at peace and contentment.
The psychopaths are never content I think. Always looking for newer and bigger supply or excitement or more adrenaline…but we learn to enjoy the contentment of what we have, what we are, and who we are, finding peace within ourselves. And in the end, what else is life about without that? Not much me thinks.