By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Deceived,
I can so relate to the obsessive thinking even after all the time that as gone by. I haven’t seen S in almost 2 years. But he did try to stay in touch with me last year through e-mail, you know, ‘be friends’ he asked. I am in the US and he is in the UK.
I only responded to him because I was waiting for the right time to yank the rug out from under him as he did me so many times. I was angry with him and he didn’t even know it. But I was waiting for the golden opportunity to do to him as he did unto me.
Baltimore,
Welcome! Just got here myself but wanted to say hi.
So you dated S for 5 years? I completely understand the exploiting him factor as I have felt the exact same.
I don’t know when I’ve ever felt such tremendous pain. So angry and for good reason. I went complete NC last Dec. and it does get easier. I found LF in Jan. though, and it has been a life saver. I had no idea what I had been dealing with all that time until I found this site. Now I do, so he’s Toast!!
Ox Drover;
Great story. You inspired me to write a different take using the another animal analogy:
One day I was walking in the woods when in the distance I noticed a dog staring at me with his grey-blue eyes. While a bit rough around the edges, he seemed to be an attractive dog and looked lost, like he needed a home. I approached the dog and he was very friendly to me. However, I soon began to think he might actually be a wolf. I decided to keep my distance, but he seemed sad when I parted.
The next day, I saw him again and he was very happy to see me. Perhaps he was not a wolf? But even if he was a wolf, maybe all he needed was some attention and care and he would be tamed. So, I decided I would bring him some food. At first he was very happy, but after he finished he growled at me and walked away. I decided that this was it and I would not think about bringing him home. Even if he was a dog, he was mean to me.
I did not go to the woods the next day. Another day passed and I was surprised that the dog tracked me to my neighborhood. At first he was very distant to me, then very happy to have found me. He must not be a wolf after all I thought?
I started to see the him every day and each day he seemed more and more friendly. Except for those days when he disappeared. Perhaps the he was being cautious, afraid I would trap him?
Most of my friends warned me that he really was a wolf. They said he is dangerous and could turn any moment. But I told them that even if he was a wolf, he was different from the others — shy, gentle, a bit of a runt.
Thus, I decided to take him to my home. Instead of the cold, damp small cave he lived in, my house was warm and big. I would buy for him the best food and make a cozy place for him to stay. I would treat him better than anyone else ever treated him.
In my home, he seemed very nervous. He pissed on the rug. He did not like the food. He curled himself up and went to sleep. I was so sad. I did so much for him and he did not seem to appreciate anything.
While we were sleeping, I heard a strange noise. At first I was not concerned, but it wakened him. There was an intruder in the yard and he began to growl, protecting me from possible harm. He seemed very proud to protect me and I praised him for being brave.
After he left, I spent the whole day thinking how lucky I was to have found him. If he was a wolf, he was not a bad wolf. So, if I wanted him, I needed to patient. I could not make him feel trapped.
For a couple of days I did not see the him. He stopped coming to my neighborhood. I decided to go into the woods. Near his cave, I found the carcass of a fawn. Why would he resort to that when I would buy him the best foods? No, he could not do such a thing I thought — some other animal must have killed the fawn. I became concerned that he was in danger.
When I finally saw him, it was like he did not know me. His tail was not wagging and his eyes were cold. He even growled at me! I was crushed. I gave him everything and he turned on me.
My fiends told me I should have never tried to tame him. But they did not quite understand how friendly he was to me at first. And his sad puppy-dog eyes.
To this day, I do not understand why he turned on me and I have difficulty accepting he really is a wolf. Why he would chose a cold, damp cave over a warm and loving home?
Part of me still cares about him, but I now accept that he is a wolf and if I go into the woods to find him, he may bite me.
Dear BBE,
VERY GOOD STORY AND ANALOGY—People say the same thing about “Pit Bull dogs” and PET wolves, and PET cougars etc….but “they are different they have been raised with luvvvvvv” They are till Pit Bull dogs, wolves or cougars FIRST and “pets” secondly.
We are what we are BRED to be FIRST and our environment can only over come so much of that BRED IN THE BONE DNA….that is why sometimes if the conditions are “right” a wolf can be a “pet” and not do any damage to the “owner” but YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY WILL BITE…and no matter how you pet it, a wolf is a wolf and not a DOG….yep, they are cousins, but they are NOT brothers. Even different “breeds” of dogs have been bred to have different talents and different interests and different SKILLS and TEMPERS….
My border collies were bred to herd (chase) livestock in a controlled way, just like wolves from which they were bred, and that is why you could NEVER leave a border collie “loose” or unpenned or un tied, they will chase until they drop—or the neighbors will shoot them for running livestock. That is what they love to do, but my Great White Pyrenees dog ran loose, untied, unpenned because she was bred to STAY HOME and protect that home territory, NOT TO GO TO THE NEIGHBORS. One did his job under supervision the other did their job unsupervised—different breeding, different instincts and behavior.
All the environment/training in the world would never make a Pyr herd sheep or goats and all the training in the world would never make a Border Collie a fighter or guardian dog, just not bred in the bones. Nothing would make the wolf want to sleep inside quietly, they ENJOY THE HUNT, THE CHASE, the KILL.
We just have to learn that we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, or a lover out of a psychopath…we just have to accept them for what they are and leave them ALONE in the FOREST and avoid them like the danger they are. No more fantasy that we can “love them” into loving us back. Not gonna happen.
Hope you are doing well, haven’t seen you for a while. Welcome back.
Do you all remember the cat analogy in “The Sociopath Next Door”……..your stories made me think of that……absolutely chilling….and yet so true…..why can’t we get them out of our head even if we don’t see them or have dealings with them? Does anyone else have this problem….I have been divorced from my bio spath’s father for over 30 years and lately I have been having flashbacks of how horrible he was to me…I feel like he stole so much from me….it’s like every little thing is still etched in my memory in such great detail it scares me.
Dear Creampuff,
The various “injuries” that have been done to us by abusers (psychopathic or not) over the years of our lives unless we deal with them, they stay there, sort of like a physical wound that has not healed, covered up by a bandage maybe but still not healed. Until we get the time, energy etc. to deal with the CURRENT CRISIS we don’t have the time and energy to go and take that old bandage off and clean out that wound. Sometimes they start to “rot” and “stink” but we are so caught up in the day to day fight to save our sanity or lives from the current “bad guy” that we just don’t have time to process that old injury and work on cleaning out the debris and help it to heal.
As I have dealt with the current carp, then the old wounds become apparent and I have to deal with each layer—maybe you’ve seen where various of us call it like “peeling an onion”–we get one layer done and there is another one just under it. The good thing is though that as each layer is peeled back each one gets smaller. So take heart. Seeing and feeling these older wounds means that you are dealing with the current ones enough that you have the time and energy to deal with some previous ones you stuffed down back at the time they happened. Just keep on peeling! You’ll get to the bottom of it all sooner or later if you just keep working on it. (((hugs)))
Hello Ox Drover-
I can’t find the book name you told me about with Corrie ten Boom. AND what do you do to wind down when you are thinking about the drama makers? I met with a lawyer today– so much is stirred up. It’s hard to let all that injustice and hurt go. . . .
Dear babydoll,
It IS hard to let that injustice go….but most of the time unless it is a great deal of money it is best to let it go. Going to court with them just gives them more of our time, our minds, and our sanity. They don’t play fair, they aren’t reasonable, and they use it as a way to get to us. I’m not sure what you are seeking legal counsel over or how “big a deal” it is financially, but if you are looking for some kind of emotional closure—YOU WON’T GET IT IN COURT.
You will probably have to order the Carrie ten Boom book “The Hidiing place” off of Amazon used books…it is an old one. If you absolutlely can’t find it, let me know and I will send you the copy I have.
What do I do to wind down when I can’t stop thinking about the drama makers. One way is to pray for them. When I first started this I did not mean it, and I actually had to write out the words on paper and read them aloud, and I knew that God knew I was not sincere in wanting Him to “bless them” but as I continued to do this “Pray for those that persecute you” it became easier and eventually I began to mean it and the bitterness started to leave my heart. It is an ON GOING PROCESS though….a fight between the bitterness for what they have done and being peaceful within ourselves. The bitterness will EAT you if you allow it to stay.
Anger is the JUSTIFIABLE and LEGITIMATE and NATURAL feeling we have when someone treats us badly. Even Jesus became angry at injustice…..and I figure if it is okay for Him to be angry at injustice it is okay for me. However, Jesus told his followers to “be angry and sin not”—in other words, don’t let that anger make you do things that are wrong, and he cautioned also to “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”—-now “wrath” is not just ordinary anger but FESTERING, ROTTING, seething anger that has been FED well for a while, not just a day or so…that kind of anger turned BITTERNESS is what “wrath” is. That we need to get out of our hearts because it is poison. Not for them, but for US.
BUT IT TAKES TIME TO GET RID OF IT so don’t beat yourself up for not getting rid of it immediately.
Just don’t FEED that wrath, when you start to feel it rear its ugly head in your spirit and emotions. Tell it to STOP!!!! Then meditate on something pleasant. Read something, sing a song, Pray…do whatever is a POSITIVE THOUGHT!
I’ll tell you a llittle story about my husband’s death…he was injured in an accident and we had a young man who worked for us that was with me at the time, and he ran to my husband’s side. Three others were injured as well so I was concentrating on them for a while….during all this, my husband’s GOLD WATCH disappeared. The young man later said because the watch was hot, he had taken it off my husband’s wrist and just “thrown” it. Yea, right. He kept it. It took me a while in my own crazed state to realize that the young man had lied and had indeed stolen the watch but I was SO FURIOUS that I wanted to torture this young man, (by this time I had had to fire him for other things—like stealing a vehicle) but the bitterness about him stealing that watch off the arm of my dying husband was about to EAT ME ALIVE….the horrible thoughts I was producing and the desire for revenge was TERRIBLE—for me. I had to work my way through that terrible POISON. Sometimes that poison still rears its ugly head in my thoughts and I have to push it down and say to myself. I don’t want to be like THEM, because that is how I imagine they must feel….hateful and nasty.
Give yourself time, too…it won’t happen over night! (((hugs)))
Dear Ox Drover,
About your husband’s death. . as though it wasn’t traumatic enough, I am SO SORRY that man robbed your husband as he was dying. I remember hearing the cliche, “there’s a special place in hell for them” and never gave it much thought, and though I don’t know if I theologically agree with that, I can at least see how it would seem to be the case for somebody who would do that. I am furthermore incredibly impressed with your spiritual and emotional fortitude that has caused you to dive into that emotion and decide how you are going to choose to live in the midst of such injustice.
My sister has been “spying” on my BM for a few months now while we’ve been moving out and moving to a new place. When BM found out recently that I am pregnant she BLEW a gasket, and I realized that this is the first time in 22 years that her direct lines of STALKING ME have been broken, and that she’s very angry.
My BM has hired a hit-man in the past. It doesn’t seem like she has much money right now, but she’s good my BF duped into thinking her crocodile tears are genuine, so it seems like he’s footing her bills. PLUS she’s on the prowl for a new rich idiot to give her his $$. . .also she’s great at blackmail and getting in with the nasty crowd, so she might trade sex for a a “service”. etc.
She has had a special hatred for me because I am beautiful and a Christian.
I am writing my memoir at the moment- about how God intervened for me during childhood and preserved my sanity, etc. I have about 150 pages written already. It was a very difficult process. That being said my therapist, who works in NYC, and specializes in spiritual warfare, said that she is single-handedly the most evil person he’s ever encountered in his 35 years as a therapist.
We want to involve a lawyer to help us know what our options are for cutting her out of our lives, so that my sister does not have to stay in the “hot spot” anymore. I am not sure what the wisest actions are, our lawyer suggests making her realize the gravity of the dirt (MANY MANY felonies) that’s had on her and that if she makes any missteps there will be a smack-down, but I am considering that maybe she would enjoy that. I wouldn’t want to play into her hand. . .but at the same time feel like something needs to happen so I am not a “sitting duck” for her to attack me. I wouldn’t want to battle war against her unless I knew I would see her behind bars for at least 20 years, but with her high level of manipulation skills, I can’t see that happening, and instead see all my $$ vanishing as well as an incredible emotional war.
At the same time I can’t handle the pressure of living in the “shadows” forever. . . and being so secretive and then what about my family growing and children getting older and knowing she could be stalking them, etc. He thinks a name change is drastic, but in one way I think that’s the way to go, name change and become missionaries in another country. Is that too much?
What I want is to feel safe. She has invaded me and tormented me in ways that are unfathomable and though I see what a gift my sanity, and cognition are, I still feel so constricted and terrified. I just want to be and feel free.
On praying for our enemies- the scripture doesn’t say HOW we are to pray for our enemies. I have begun praying that BM would not prosper in anything that causes injury to anyone: that her attempts to find a rich host would be futile, that her sources would dry up, that she would not be able to speak when she is attempting a lie, that she would get found out for what she really is and especially that when she attempts to build new “scummy” relationships at bars etc, that her “offerings” and threats would be of no avail. That she would find no pleasure in causing harm to others, and that she would come to the end of herself and her power. That she would not be able to find out any information about her ex-husband, or children and grandchildren, that all spies and pawns would also be perplexed, blinded and silenced.
Do good to those who hurt you and spitefully use you: By praying for all EVIL that BM attempts to fall to the ground with total futility, I feel like I am doing her soul the best gift, confusing evil within her. Does this sound off or strange? I know Jesus didn’t play patty-cake with his enemies the pharisees, but I WAS brainwashed to play patty-cake with demons. . and frankly I’m done. They can go back to hell where they came from.
thank you for “listening” and sharing me so much depth of insight. Finally I feel like somebody “gets me”. . .whereas most people just stand back in horror and can’t seem to wrap any part of their minds around my story. . .you on the other hand have so much experience with these evil people and you have allowed it to form you instead of embitter you. I have so much to learn from you. Thank you so much!
Dear Babydoll,
Every day is a spiritual struggle to keep the bitterness down….and it isn’t something that you can “give up on” and it is done….it will return, and especially if you break NC.
My cousin is being buried today, I’d like to be there but my egg donor will most likely be there and I can’t take the chance, so I won’t go.
I don’t think you are wrong to pray that her sinful ways are frustrated and that she doesn’t damage others with her manipulations. Maybe too you could start to pray that her heart would be softened and she would see the error of her ways,, which would accomplish the same thing. But even if she were to have a TOTAL CHANGE OF HEART it still doesn’t mean that you must associate with her or trust her.
Forgiveness does not include restoration of trust…it only means that WE stop feeling BITTER in our hearts. (and I know that’s difficult)
The name change if that’s what you want, go for it….if you want to do missionary work in another country that’s okay too. Go for it.
I’m pretty much resigned to having to move from here in the next few years because My P-son gets out of prison and/or gets money from my mother’s estate. Either way he will be capable of hurting me…but I’m not going to change my name just hide, but then I don’t have little kids to put in school, or a job etc. So it is easier for me at my age and being retired.
Good luck and just keep on taking care of yourself and keep stress as low as possible and take care of those babies. That is an arm full in itself! (((hugs))) and God bless.