By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Farwronged – Any time you feel like contacting him…….come here and let it out. We are all on different time zones but someone will get back to you either the same day or the next day.
NC is the ONLY way. The hurt, cheating, lies (for no real reason) blame shifting (usually mother’s fault), pity ploys (woe me), acting like nothing happened…. it’s all classic spath.
NC NC NC NC is our mantra. We are all at different points of healing so some posts may not mean much to you yet but keep reading.
Far wronged the al anon group might be more specific than you think, if he was doing drugs etc. and you also might contact your local domestic violence shelter and see what kind of groups they ahve available or know about….good luck. Keep on reading and learning here…but groups do help as well.
Ok gang……I’m off to the pub. Got an AGM (((((((yawn)))))
Ox Drover, yes I am still going to attend. Watching someone you care about use drugs and hurt themselves is just another type of hurt aside from the devestation caused by a P. I am dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and unanswered questions in my head. I just need some up close and personal attention. This site is great I just wish we could share our stories in person.
Farwronged
You said something very important. “All of his attention was fake”. Maybe the attention was real, but the emotion behind it was fake.
I need to remember that. Thank you.
SK
LL, that is a very interesting list. But no, my spath didn’t say any of those things. Here is a list of his top patterns. Does this make sense??
1. Mixed in lies and truth so you never knew what was really true. Lied about both important and irrelevant indiscriminately “I played Tennis on Saturday” when he played on Sunday.
2. Slept around with other women and hinted just enough so that you would suspect it, but not enough, such that if you actually SAID anything he’d say you were full of shit and you were overreacting.
3. Flattery flattery flattery, all the time a la “You’re great. You’re perfect. “.
4. Never ever communicated emotion. Tried to keep all communication on email or text. Rarely called me, I had to call him. Rarely came to see me, I had to go see him. I remember him actually belly laughing once in three years.
5. Sex was a huge huge part of the relationship. I don’t think we ever had a date where sex wasn’t the “feature”. Didn’t spend time together just to hold hands. It always went (quickly) somewhere else.
6. Mind blowing sex.
7. Then he would avoid me, forget me, ignore me, until he realized I wasn’t there, and then he’d text me with something stupid, “did you see the news?”.
8. Constant breakups and makeups.
9. He couldn’t make a decision for squat about anything. This is because most people use facts + emotions to make decisions. He had no emotions, so had to over analyze facts to try to decide. Paralysis.
10. Stingy about money. Implied he was extraordinarily wealthy. Threw money around on relatively cheap things (taxi, dinner) and never bought me ANYTHING, bought his own suits used on ebay for $25.
11. I was always EXPLAINING, EXPLAINING, EXPLAINING why I felt bad, how he was hurting me. He never said sorry, he never changed his behavior.
12. Lied to other people and sucked me into the lies. For example, introduced me as his wife and I wasn’t.
13. Was divorced, but wore his wedding ring. I asked him WTF and he said it kept other women away. Yet on other days, like, when I was mad at him, or when he was hitting on other women (probably), he took the ring off. So, it depended on his objective at the moment.
13. Everywhere we went people said “look at how in love they are”. He was a perfect gentleman, attentive, holding my hand, loving me in public. Then he’d say goodbye and drive home to his house where he lived with his Ex Wife (and lied to me about it for the longest time).
14. His teenage daughter said, “I don’t know whether he doesn’ t know the difference between right and wrong, or if he knows, and he just doesn’t care”.
15. Had no friends. Lied to close family. No apparent hobbies or interests besides money.
16. I asked him if he had any regrets in life (his parents were both recently deceased, a daughter was going off to college…so, lots of emotional things going on)…..and he said “I wish I would have learned to play the piano”. SERIOUSLY??
I DO think my spath was part schzoid.
These are all real things. I can’t react to this list because they are my reality. Does this stuff strike YOU as SPATH? Sometimes I wonder if I am just overreacting.
Superkid10,
I know it is hard! I lay in bed at night missing his warmth and cuddling watching the tube as he would be making all these promises and telling me how much he loved me. It has only been a week and I am in for a long recovery however I am glad it ended when it did. He told me he wanted a family with me and everything which I also just found out he has a child that is due in another month. He will not speak to the mother and says he is not his. What a loser!
Sk
I just read your post about your spath mine did some of the same things. One of the women I talked to said he told her his name was something else. Can you believe that? These people are very dangerous. Mine would also claim he was so faithful even put his hand on the Bible swearing he had never cheated after I found something that made me suspicious. Though, during his declaration of faithfulness he would say things like I will Fuck someone else especially when I was not in the mood for sex or having my ‘girlie’ time. I did not know you could have more than one disorders at a time. This is some sick stuff.
SK
You outlined behaviors. YES, my spath did those things. not all but MANY of them. Particularly the lies mixed in with the truth. but he could also make up the biggest stories on a dime when i’d asked if he’d been on a date, but you see this was a half true “Oh yea, I’m visiting with Jim tonight, his wife is really ill so he really needs a friend and…” LIE. He was dating some pediatrician that night and that was probably a lie too.
So many lies. When you think about the behaviors and the lies, and put it all together, it sure does make you glad you’re out.
But I’ve been missing my spath something fierce the last few days and hurting over some of the last conversations we’ve had before NC.
Just trying to understand the tactics and machinations. I don’t suppose I ever will, but I think my role with him in the relationship makes it harder a little….
They always try to pull you back in. Everytime my ex and i broke up he would contact me with my car is in the shop or lets not text come over. He knew that getting me to the house he could turn on that charm and I would enjoy his company and we would laugh and he could tell more lies thus by the end of the night we would have slept ogether and been “back in a relationship.”