By Ox Drover
One of the themes that seems to run throughout the stories of many of, if not most of, the people who have had experiences with psychopaths is that we have either had repeated episodes of being abused by the same psychopath, even after we saw their dishonesty, or had episodes of being sucked into the webs of multiple psychopaths. Or, we have both of these—multiple episodes with multiple psychopaths.
Most of the people I have known who were formerly victims of psychopaths are not stupid. In fact, some of the smartest, most accomplished people I know are former victims, and have been repeatedly victimized by one psychopath after finding out that this person was dishonest and abusive. Somehow, they kept on going back to the relationship, even after multiple attempts to disengage from the abuser. Why? Why does a person who is smart, accomplished, and otherwise successful in life and business keep repeating the same behavior that allows them to be hurt?
There is an often-used quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It seems by this definition that the victims of psychopaths are “insane,” because we keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who is repeatedly abusive. There must be some reason that otherwise smart and successful people keep repeating the behavior that is unsuccessful in its outcome. There must be some common thread among victims and former victims that makes us susceptible to frequently returning to an unsuccessful and painful relationship.
Here’s a little story that may contain what may be a grain of truth that might point us toward the answer to the question of. “Why?”
The Chief and the Snake
Once upon a time there was a very wise and kind Indian chief. One day as the chief was walking through the forest, he came upon a rattlesnake in the path. He stopped and started to go around the snake, not wanting to hurt it, but not wanting to be bitten either.
As the chief started to pass around the snake, the snake spoke to him (not an unusual thing in those days) and said, “Chief, please have mercy on me, my wife and family are on the other side of yonder river, and I can’t swim, and I can’t get to them. Won’t you please pick me up and carry me across the river?”
The chief looked at the snake and laughed a bit and said, “Why, if I tried to pick you up you would bite me and I would die. I am sad that you have a problem but I must not be bitten, or I would die and my own children would starve because there would be no strong man with a bow to hunt brother deer to provide meat to my little ones. Though my heart feels sad for you, no, I must refuse to pick you up.”
The snake then spoke to the chief saying, “But such a brave man as you should not be afraid of such a small snake as I, and I promise from the bottom of my heart that I would never harm you if you were to help me across yon river. I am so afraid that if I am not able to get across, my wife and children will perish. Please help me in my hour of need.”
The chief looked at the snake and his heart was sad because he knew what it was like to have one’s children without food. His heart took pity on the snake, and he agreed to take the snake across the river, if the snake would agree not to bite him.
The chief reached out to pick up the snake and held him high over his head as he waded the swift and cold waters of the river. About half way across the river when the chief was doing his best to protect the snake from the cold waters, the snake reached down and bit him on the neck, sinking his poison fangs deep into the chief’s blood stream.
The chief was surprised and said to the snake, “Brother Snake, why did you bite me, now I will die and you will drown as well. You promised on your honor not to bite me if I would have mercy on you and help you, now we shall both die and our children starve. You promised me.”
The snake replied, “Ah yes, I promised, but you knew what I was when you picked me up,” as they both sank under the swirling cold water of the river.
What we have in common with the chief
What caused the chief to reach out and pick up a snake that he knew was poisonous, that he knew had the power to harm him, and that if he was wrong in making this decision to pick up the snake, and the snake did bite him, that his own children would suffer because of his decision?
Empathy is what the chief had, empathy for the children of the snake. Because the chief loved his own children, he assumed that the snake must also love its children. Just as the chief would do what was best for his children, he empathized that the snake would also do what was best. Since the chief knew that he would never do anything deliberately to cause consequences for his children, he did not see that the snake would deliberately do something that would cause problems for his own offspring.
Thinking that others have the same motivations that we have can get us into the same problems that the chief got into. The chief wanted to help the snake. He felt pity for the snake. He knew that he would not want someone to refuse to help him if it meant that he would die and his children would go hungry, so it never dawned on him that the snake would be willing to make a decision to do a deed that would insure that the snake-children would go hungry.
The chief’s empathy and his thinking that others had the same empathy, the same motivation for their behavior, and no reason to hurt another, even at the cost of hurting themselves or their near and dear, caused him to want to believe the snake’s promise not to bite.
The snake, however, was right. The chief knew what he was when he picked him up. When we allow ourselves to believe the promises of people who have proven that they are dishonest, we open ourselves to be repeatedly injured or even killed. When someone shows you what they are, believe your eyes. Believe what you see, not what you hear.
No Contact
“No contact” is the commonly accepted “treatment” for any abusive relationship. This means that only contact that is required by law (such as meeting that person in a courtroom due to a law uit) or the minimum amount of contact required by law to co-parent with such a person, is the only interaction between you and your former abuser. No contact allows the injuries to cease, and keeps you safe from new and repeated injuries from the abuser.
“No contact” also includes not stalking the person’s Facebook page or other social media. It means blocking or deleting any text messages, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication, including having others tell you what the former abuser is “up to.” Refusing to engage in tale carrying, gossip, or drama involved with the former abuser is also essential. If you must speak about the relationship, do it ONLY with a trusted friend or family member who sees that the relationship was/is abusive, and with assurances that the person will keep your information in absolute confidence. This process can be likened to “not renting them space in your head,” which includes wondering if they have a new relationship, and if they are making this new person happy o,r if they will change for this new person, or wondering if you were wrong about what they are.
You know what they are now, so don’t pick them up. NO CONTACT WORKS.
Star,
Many of us did know what the P was though, and we still picked them up….or picked them up again…..we fell for the pity play.
We knew they cheated (or had cheated in the past multiple times) we knew they were DISHONEST, or whatever the particular pattern was….we knew they were potentially poison and capable of venom, yet we let them get close to us again, depending on their promises when we knew they had been liars.
Your case is an unusual one in that you were not involved all that long with him, and you did kick him out when you saw what he was. Unfortunately, most of the time, we “give them another chance” because we, like the chief, have too much EMPATHY for them and we fall for the PITY PLOY.
I haven’t fallen for the pity ploy with every psychopath I’ve been involved with in one way or another—but the “love bomb” of them impressing me with what a good and honest person they are has WORKED FOR ME, and even if I was WARNED by someone else I did not believe person who warned me. LOL This is in both personal and business relationships. They come on strongly as YOUR BEST FRIEND at first….telling you how wonderful you are! And we sure LIKE THAT APPROACH! LOL It is the perfect PITCH for a con person. But now we know it is a “bait and switch”game and goes from you are the most wonderful person to you are a biatch! Then back and forth the pendulum swings….well, you got off on the first swing on that one. (the reptile site guy) I have a few times too, but mostly I rode the swinging ride for a while…..or in the case of my P son for DECADES.
As for the neighbor. I’m gonna be blunt here. Giving up your home just because of him is ALLOWING HIM TO CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOUR LIFE.
1. Accept that the Guy JUST WANTED A PIECE OF ASS, that is all he was after. ALL he was after. NOTHING else. He cared NOTHING about you except as a receptical for his junk you were not even a human to him.
2. Anyone who would act the way he acted about it and who would treat someone else the way he has treated you IS A PIEZE OF CHEET!
3. SO WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS about this? You do NOT have to you know.
He is a pieze of cheet, so why is his strutting around there important to you? YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU VIEW HIM, or if he triggers you or you DESPISE HIM.
When you look at him strutting around there, say to yourself “HEY BOZO, you just don’t know what you missed, and YOU MR. are a PIEZE OF CHEET!”
Oxy, that’s not the only reason I want to leave. But it certainly contributes. I don’t even want to share my pool space with him any more. I have wanted to get out of here for a long time.
Star I know that from your posts last year, but at the same time, even if you are upside down in your place, it is “yours” and renting a place can be problematic as well. (Ask One/Joy about that!)
Moving is also a hassle and a half…even if you take only the “bare essentials” which in your case includes snake cages!@....... Also, just wanting to leave one spot I have found is not always a good way to change residences, it is better if you feel that you are Not just leaving one thing, but MOVING ON TO SOME PLACE ELSE. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
Oxy, if i want to own again some day, I will still be able to do that. I will probably be able to get way more for my money that this tiny little place. This is not a place I’d want to stay permanently with or without the neighbor boy. In fact, he will probably move in the next year or two. So it’s not totally about him. But having him as a constant trigger when I’m feeling so vulnerable does not help my frame of mind.
I understand, Star, truly I do. Living this close to the egg donor was a trigger for a while, but I have about gotten over the worst of it now. It was like a BLACK CLOUD hung over that part of the farm. Fortunately I have a “back entrance” road that I don’t even have to go out by her house, but I can see it as I go out my drive from the woods, but when I am back here in my “hole in the woods” I can’t even see her house and the “black cloud” isn’t so bad. It was TERRIBLE there for a while.’
Also even now, if I have to go up by her house to take care of an animal or fix a fence or whatever it is uncomfortable but not triggering, the last time we did she came out on her driveway and stood watching to see what we were doing. Just standing there and I felt like she was a vulture there.
I realize too, that NO CONTACT is the ultimate pain for them, it is the taking away their ability to control us, to manipulate us and I realize that she is “suffering” from lack of control, lack of information and so on. Her e mailing me a couple of weeks ago about the portrait drawing of my husband was an attempt to get information….and I FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER—LOL but I sent the drawing to my husband’s grandson who was THRILLED at having the picture of his grandfather and so there was some good came out of the thing after all and I LEARNED A NEW AND VALUABLE LESSON…I will NOT let her trick/hook me again in the future no matter what. If I HAVE TO have contact with her because of business—AND ONLY BUSINESS—I will do so, but NOTHING ELSE. No matter how tempting it is.
LOL ROTFLMAO, yep, she “got me” there on that one, used the ONLY bait she had which was pretty good actually, but next time it won’t matter if she has a PERSONALLY AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF GOD, I ain’t biting on it! LOL (head shaking here) Every time I get to thinking I’m “100% safe” from the psychopathic con jobs, I get another lesson that says “DON’T GET COCKY, OXY, THEY ARE STILL TRICKY!”
I don’t know how you manage to do it, Oxy. I’d rather be hung upside down by my toenails and pummeled with a wet carp than live that close to my mother. LOL And a moment of sadness that we should have to protect ourselives like this from our mothers. It’s just so wrong and it’s sad that it has to be this way.
But you know, I’ve been giving it some thought, what you said. It could actually be kind of entertaining to watch the neighbor boy squirm this summer when he sees me. After all, it’s spring now. I have my door open all the time and can see his patio right through my screen door. If he wants to avoid me, he will never be able to sit out on his patio or even open his blinds. Ever. LOL And it will be fun watching him turn away and pretend he’s busy every time I go out to the pool. Even better, I’ll be working out, gettining tan and looking good, and he won’t be able to talk to me because it will be too uncomfortable for him after ignoring me for 3 months. On second thought, this could be kinda fun! ha ha ha
It’s so beautiful here in the spring. I have a pond right outside my patio. There is a pair of mallard ducks that nest there every spring. They come right up to my patio and say hello. They are not the least bit afraid. It is so adorable. And I’m doing my spring cleaning and shopping. Spring is always so good for my spirits. That’s why I’d prefer to live in a place that’s like this all year round. Costa Rica is on the hot side. But there are places in Ecuador that are in the 70’s and 80’s all year round. My mood really changes with the seasons.
Sometimes it feels as if there’s no way out on the no contact. Im in business with him and even though he resides halfway across the world, Im stuck. And…….he always, always tries to turn it personal.
It in a word sucks. Because in truth, Im far enough along where no contact as in he’s in a jail cell and Im free would be a good start.
But, Im not in that situation. Every time I hear him, every fiber in my being is torn and twisted and hurt. There are days when we are in meetings with 10 other people and I cant get up the next day, because my body takes such a beating from the sound of his voice.
I guess, if you have to maintain contact in a no fly zone, you either have to be made of steel, or begin a long term goal to get that person out of your orbit. Im financially beholden. Thats even worse, that means that every penny that drips from him to me feels coated in treachery and yet, I have to feed my child and keep the roof over our head, and until I can get my head around that and bring in more income, Im stuck.
I sure could use some advice about this, I’ve read and re-read this post on no contact a thousand times.
I once dreamed to be free. I prayed to God and the Universe to be free, to walk in the sunshine of a day that belonged to me that wasn’t haunted, painful, and where I am continually running to stay alive.
The universe, God, heard me. The day came where the opportunity presented itself for me to very carefully plan my exit. I kept my ear to the ground, stayed silent, slept with a dresser against my door every night till the day came to get him on that airplane. He did horrible things to me during that two weeks, unspeakable horrible things, and I knew I could smell that freedom, but I knew what I had to do and did it. I felt grace for the first time in 11 years.
Im tired and I want to come home, there is no home. I am newborn and dying all at once. When I walk its a strange gait, where one step feels totally out of sync with the next.
Its like its still not done yet. No contact. Do you know what that is? Its the final step to freedom.
Dear Hurt terribly,
I hear your pain lady! I definitely do that….and yes, no contact is freedom.
I unfortunately must live close (0n the same large farm) as my egg donor who was one of the ones who persecuted me, and my land/home is tied up in the same farm and I can’t sell it until after she passes away…so I too am financially HOOKED to the very ones who abused me….but I did leave once and I determined I would live in a CARDBOARD BOX before I would give in and if I decide I MUST then I will leave here, and leave behind my home and everything I have financially sunk into it.
I thought I couldn’t live without my home, but I realized that it is simply bricks and wood, it is not “home” —home is where I am peaceful and content and safe.
I’m glad you are here at love fraud HurtTerribly, I am sorry you have a need for support and healing, but it is HERE. Read the articles in the archives, educate yourself on them, and on healing, and put one foot in front of another until you are solidly on the ROAD to healing.
At first when the pain is so acute and we are so raw we don’t see things the same way we do a few days down the road….but you will. Keep NC as much as you can, and realize that YOU have control over your feelings and your emotions, you do NOT have to let them have that control! (((HUGS)))
DEar Super kid,
The “egg donor” is my biological mother—I used to call her “mama” but you know the TITLE MAMA or MOTHER I think is EARNED by more than DNA donation, it is earned by love and caring and nurturing the child, and I think she hasn’t earned the title and so I just refer to her as the “egg donor” along with my P-sperm donor—LOL
Superkid, there are 700+ articles here about the answers to your questions….all I can suggest rather than trying to re-answer them is READ and learn, and learn some more. Go to the archives and start with the articles under the “Categories” HEALING FROM A SOCIOPATH and read every article and then go to the next category and read and learn. Knowledge is power and the only way we can get our power back is to LEARN about them and learn about OURSELVES.
Each of us has to answer our own WHYS…and come to our own BLOCKING THEM AND NC and it takes TIME and introspection. You can do it….I’m glad that my ramblings have helped you and I’ll be hanging around here. I learn new things every day, this learning and healing is not a place you say “Well, I am healed I know it all now” because each day we learn more, we grow stronger and wiser and so we just keep on marching toward peace and calm and happiness. It is a JOURNEY! Not a destination! (((hugs)))
Oxy, thanks. I am definitely reading as much as I can. I am not finding anything about people who are enablers. Perhaps it’s buried. I will pursue. This is such a godsend.